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I think I am the most boring person around and this was embarrassing!

Mapper71

By Mapper71
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Mr.Empty Member

Mr.Empty

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I agree there's probably a deeper issue. Either that or he's a genuine jerk but if his immature behaviour is isolated to whenever you go out, there's gotta be a reason.

 

Instead of firing back smart remarks or trying to invite him along, see if there's interest in the two of you setting a night of the week aside to go out together...either just the two of you or with a larger group.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I agree there's probably a deeper issue. Either that or he's a genuine jerk but if his immature behaviour is isolated to whenever you go out, there's gotta be a reason.

 

Instead of firing back smart remarks or trying to invite him along, see if there's interest in the two of you setting a night of the week aside to go out together...either just the two of you or with a larger group.

 

In a previous post, the OP says that husband refuses to go out with her.

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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Yes. We never go out and do anything on the weekends. He would rather sit in front of his computer all day and play his video game and drink and nap than go out and do anything. Says he's going to do all this stuff in the yard, fix his motorcycles, clean the garage, but not one thing ever gets accomplished. Always makes a big deal about how it's his weekend and he wants to be lazy. Yet when I announce I'm going out with friends he gets all smarmy and makes it seem like I'll be out having fun while he's just sitting at home doing nothing. YOU opt to do nothing most days because you're SO tired from work or grumpy or lazy that you don't want to leave the house. Then when I do go out I hear for days about how it must be nice to go out and have fun while you sit at home.

 

This seemed to start happening about 3 years ago when I went to a work thing after work and said I would probably be home by 7:30. Well it turned out to be more fun than I thought and I didn't have my phone on me and didn't leave until 8:30. I returned to the building and looked at my phone and had no call or text from him wondering where I was. Yes, I should have called and told him, but so many times he doesn't call me to tell me he's going to be late and always says "It's not a big deal. Chill out". I then call him and tell him I'm on my way and I wake him up! He NEVER goes to bed that early!! If I had been home, he'd have been sitting up until midnight playing his video game. He is very upset with me on the phone not just because I'm late, but because I woke him up. I walk in the door and he's sitting up watching tv and tells me that I woke him up and he couldn't go back to sleep. He doesn't say anything to me and when I don't say anything back he goes "So, are you going to tell me about the party?" Um, no because you're angry. He goes "I was upset because I didn't know where you were. You could have been in a ditch for all I knew." Really? Because you made no effort to try and reach me AND you were in bed when I called! You seemed really worried!! It's 9:30 and I'm home. How many times has he been out well after midnight without a call and then comes home and acts like I'm all upset over nothing?! Then for the next few days I hear "Oh don't forget to come home tonight" "Don't go out with the pool boy after work". I have never done one thing to make him think I'm cheating on him yet he takes it there every time. A few months later he went out to a gaming convention that went from 6-9 pm on a Sunday night. He tells me he probably won't even be there the whole time. So I expect him home by 10pm then. I go to bed at 10 expecting him home any minute and wake up at midnight and he's not home. I pace around the house, check his Facebook and see he's been on, check our phone records. Finally at 1:30 I send him a text "Where are you?" I get a text back that he's hanging out at his buddies house and is just about to leave. He gets home at 2:30 am and tells me everything is fine and it's not a big deal. Me getting home at 9:30 (calling at 8:30) was the biggest deal ever and I heard about it for days, but you getting home and 2:30, at least 4-5 hours later than you told me, ISN'T a big deal??? How does that work??

 

5 months later I had made plans to go out to dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in 6 months. I told him and he was fine for about 5 seconds and then went "Oh fine I see how it is. You are going to go out and have fun while I sit at home and order a pizza. No go have fun I'll just hang out by myself and do what I always do". Then she called me to firm up plans later in the evening and he goes "Oh is that my competition on the phone? Are you 2 secret lovers"? I was on the verge of tears. I ended up cancelling on her because he made me feel so bad. He tells me he was just kidding and to go out but by that time the damage was done. Then the night we were to go out, it dawned on him that I was supposed to be out with her and he asks why I didn't go and I made up an excuse that I just didn't feel like it. He then apologized and said he was sorry.

 

I carry those two incidents with me now and am afraid to make plans with anyone.

BettyDraper Established Member

BettyDraper

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If you're afraid to go out with your friends, then you are being isolated which is controlling and abusive behavior.

 

Stop allowing your husband to keep you at home all the time. You should be able to have a social life that doesn't include him, especially since he is fine with going out and having you at home.

 

Your husband sounds like a domineering type.

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BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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No he is just being a jerk...

 

Bottom line.

 

If you two cannot figure out what is going on through "Real" Marriage Counseling with someone that knows what they are doing, you need to get out.

 

This type of stuff does not get any better without some outside help from someone skilled.

 

Past that, end it...

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

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Next time just go and don't worry about him and his reaction. He was being a big jerk and totally doing it for your reaction, which you gave him and he won.

 

I don't understand why you'd give him that much power over you. You're a strong willed woman and it's kind of shocking that you cave to him over and over again.

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Unforseen Established Member

Unforseen

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I feel ashamed reading this thread. It could very well be my wife complain about some behaviors I was guilty of.

 

In my case it was my passive aggressive way to get attention and pander to my insecurities. It also showed how I was lacking in confidence and trust. It is still a struggle for me to not act this way. Because I felt insecure I had to control my wife and try to make her feel guilty for 'having fun without me.' I feared in losing control of her she would figure out what a jerk I was and find something or someone better. It was also why I needed the constant reassurance that I was still important to her even though she was 'ditching' me to be with her friends or family.

 

Unless you have in the past given him some reason to mistrust you, odds are he is just displaying his personal issues in this hurtful and passive aggressive manner.

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lucy_in_disguise Established Member

lucy_in_disguise

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Totally agree with all the posters above. He is just being selfish and insecure (not to mention annoying). And you are playing right into it.

 

Stop engaging in these "arguments" with him. You already know the outcome and if you don't trust your own judgement on this, you have our confirmation that his behaivior is immature and unacceptable.

 

Invite him out with you, but don't try to persuade him to come. When he pulls this s!ht, just make a joke. I think he will drop these tactics as soon as they stop working, and either suck it up and start going out with you more, or suck it up and deal with it quietly.

 

But for the love of god don't let him be the reason for you staying home bored out of your mind all the time.

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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Well he's coming to the show with us. He never gave me a straight answer when he said last Friday "Oh and I can't come?" following up with me saying he can and then him going "Well I don't want to ruin girls night, but I'll come if I must". I had no idea if he wanted to to or not or he was just playing. I ask him again yesterday since we were getting tickets and he said he did want to come. Why can't he let me do this with my 2 female coworkers?? There's times where I'd like to go to a pub after work with him like he does with his coworkers but he never asks me and I don't bitch about it. Even last night he was going on about how much fun he had with his buddy on Friday night and how he felt like a kid again. I said to him"Yup I was living the dream of a Friday night at home watching tv" to which he replies smarmily "Well I was out having fun!" Turn the situation around and have me say the same thing he did, he'd accuse me up and down of hanging out with my "boyfriend".

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Mapper71 Established Member

Mapper71

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I was out to lunch with 5 of my female coworkers last week as we met up with the girlfriend of our boss for a ladies lunch. I barely know her, but everyone was talking about something going on in their life. One was talking about how she was doing a climb for cancer, another talking about her son who just got his first job out of college, another talking about visiting colleges with her son, another talking about the latest trip she'd been on, another talking about this all day seminar she was heading up. I was the only one who had absolutely no news. They all turn to me and ask me what's been going on in my life and I say "Not much" then the girlfriend of our boss goes "Well can you at least make something up?" That made me feel awful! I basically go to work, go home and clean and do yardwork and then sit on my butt all night watching tv while my husband sits on his butt in front of the computer. I work for a European travel company and I'm the only one there who has never been to Europe.

 

I'm so damn afraid to do anything because I feel like I'm going to be horrible at it or nobody will talk to me. I mean seriously, we had a new intern start at our work yesterday and we were being introduced and the first girl that got introduced shook her hand and this new person was all smiles and then I got up to shake her hand and she literally looked at me like "Wow, you're weird" even though I was smiling and simply told her my name. THAT is the type of response I seem to garner no matter where I go. Or if I do actually talk to people I barely get a reaction like I'm talking about the strangest stuff.

 

Even the couple who live next door, especially the woman, who are in their late 20s sort of act like they don't see me when we are outside so they don't have to talk to me and when they do it's basically 2 or 3 words. It's like just the look of me, which isn't anything out of the ordinary, makes people think I'm odd! Even when I go over to our main work building I see people and they look at me but don't say anything or look away.

Edited by Mapper71
BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

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You understand that this situation is untenable, right?

 

It is only a matter of time until one or both of you get resentful enough to have an affair or do something else destructive.

 

Either talk about this for real and get it worked out or start thinking divorce. I know that sounds radical, but this type of passive aggressive stuff really leads down a bad road in the long run...

 

Why does he act this way???

CaliforniaGirl Established Member

CaliforniaGirl

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Is he by any chance depressed?

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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I was out to lunch with 5 of my female coworkers last week as we met up with the girlfriend of our boss for a ladies lunch. I barely know her, but everyone was talking about something going on in their life. One was talking about how she was doing a climb for cancer, another talking about her son who just got his first job out of college, another talking about visiting colleges with her son, another talking about the latest trip she'd been on, another talking about this all day seminar she was heading up. I was the only one who had absolutely no news. They all turn to me and ask me what's been going on in my life and I say "Not much" then the girlfriend of our boss goes "Well can you at least make something up?" That made me feel awful! I basically go to work, go home and clean and do yardwork and then sit on my butt all night watching tv while my husband sits on his butt in front of the computer. I work for a European travel company and I'm the only one there who has never been to Europe.

 

I'm so damn afraid to do anything because I feel like I'm going to be horrible at it or nobody will talk to me. I mean seriously, we had a new intern start at our work yesterday and we were being introduced and the first girl that got introduced shook her hand and this new person was all smiles and then I got up to shake her hand and she literally looked at me like "Wow, you're weird" even though I was smiling and simply told her my name. THAT is the type of response I seem to garner no matter where I go. Or if I do actually talk to people I barely get a reaction like I'm talking about the strangest stuff.

 

Even the couple who live next door, especially the woman, who are in their late 20s sort of act like they don't see me when we are outside so they don't have to talk to me and when they do it's basically 2 or 3 words. It's like just the look of me, which isn't anything out of the ordinary, makes people think I'm odd! Even when I go over to our main work building I see people and they look at me but don't say anything or look away.

 

Have you ever seen a counsellor? Reading your posts, I can't help but think that you are very attention seeking and you have your own issues with self esteem. Counselling, would really be helpful...

 

And, to say it again... Your life is what YOU make of it. If you want to live a more interesting life, you need to get off the sofa and go out and do something. Who knows, you may actually meet some interesting people, have some new adventures, and create some great memories. But, it's all up to you...

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Almond_Joy Established Member

Almond_Joy

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I'm so damn afraid to do anything because I feel like I'm going to be horrible at it or nobody will talk to me. I mean seriously, we had a new intern start at our work yesterday and we were being introduced and the first girl that got introduced shook her hand and this new person was all smiles and then I got up to shake her hand and she literally looked at me like "Wow, you're weird" even though I was smiling and simply told her my name. THAT is the type of response I seem to garner no matter where I go. Or if I do actually talk to people I barely get a reaction like I'm talking about the strangest stuff.

You sound like me here, from my early 20's. Never reallly comfortably in social situations and hyper sesntiive to how other people engage with you.

 

Please understand, none of that matters. You can embody every trait that you think makes the perfect social butterfly and there will still be someone who thinks you're wierd or seems to not acknowledge you. Other people's reactions are not always about you or something you're doing or not doing.

 

You need to work up the gumption to go do the things you're interested in regardless of whether someone goes with you. Do you want to do these things for other people or for yourself? Because if you want to do these things for yourself you don't need another person with you to make the experience fun. The friends I have now I met while I was out doing things by myself. You find the people you want in your life by going out and living your life, not waiting for someone to validate an activity by going with you.

 

My bf's also a couch potato, but he doesn't guilt trip me like your husband does. When he does seem remorseful about activities I'm doing that he's not involved in, I tell him he can put together something to do anytime. Your bf's laziness and insecurity isn't your problem, regardless of what he tells you. It's just not.

 

I think it would be perfectly reasonable of you to tell him to stop complaining to you. You've all you can for him by inviting him along for things and he always finds a reason not to go out. You'not responsible for his social life just as he's not responsible for yours.

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Blanco Established Member

Blanco

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So what are you going to do about it? I know forums like this are a nice place to vent, but judging by your other threads, you seem supremely unhappy about a lot of things and people in your life. You're only in your forties. Do you plan to just keep doing this for several more decades until it's time to lie down in a box (or be a heap of ashes)?

 

Your husband is part of the problem. PART. You are still in control of your own life, so maybe it's time to break this habit where you believe your happiness and life is completely in the hands of other folks.

 

Cheers.

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Spring23 Established Member

Spring23

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Then tells me last night that he's going to a concert with a coworker in August and never asked if I wanted to go.

 

I find that very weird. If my husband told me this I'd be angry. My guess is that you're both very young and married too soon. But then I read that you're in your 40's and now it seems even weirder. He might be having an affair. IDK.

Edited by Spring23
Raena Established Member

Raena

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A good friend of mine has a husband just like yours in a lot of ways except he never or very rarely goes anywhere without her. She learned a long time ago that if he was going to sit on the computer all the time that she needed to make a life for herself that doesn't revolve around him. And she does, she runs/exercises, does volunteer work through her job and outside of it on the weekends sometimes, walks the dogs, meets up with coworkers occasionally and spends time with family all while he sits at home playing on the computer alone. She used to be just like you though. Eventually you are going to have to figure out a way to have a life of your own outside of your relationship with him and how to make time for the both of you that is just for the two of you. They bought a camper and periodically go on camping trips as their way to spend time alone together or with other family members/friends. You two need something like that. That one thing you do together to escape from the drudgery of life and separate hobbies for the rest of the time.

 

If he is going to continue to guilt trip you for having a life of your own without him then you need to directly address that with him. If you don't, it won't stop. You have to flat out tell him that your needs are not being met when you are expected to just sit at home in front of the tv constantly with little to no interaction with him. Stop making excuses for it and just go live your life. If he doesn't like it, he'll either change or he won't. If he doesn't adapt, then you may need to consider that you two are just not a good match for each other.

bsbmom579 New Member

bsbmom579

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Sorry you are feeling so lonely. It does sound like his behavior was known before you were married....but you found something in your relationship that led to marriage, so perhaps its just a matter of getting back to that? Do you have any interest in his games? Sometimes showing interest in his activities might lead to him showing interest in yours? Perhaps even if you begin an activity together, and he quits, don't let that stop you from continuing...maybe that you got started might make you feel more at ease to continue? I am also a proponent of even the healthiest of marriages seeking counseling...is that an option for the two of you?

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