z3phyr Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 My ex and I split at the end of January. It was pretty brutal and, aside from a week where we tried to be friends, we’ve been no contact the entire time. He even has me blocked on Facebook. I have a website that I use to display my portfolio (I write) and to post the occasional blog entry – in order to get press coverage of certain things I have to be able to provide visitor stats to PR people, so they know I have a reach that makes working with me worthwhile. Because of this I use an IP tracker. I can see from this that my ex visits my site on a near daily basis (I know that it’s his IP from having linked him to pieces of my work when we were together). I would assume from nearly two months of no contact and a Facebook block that he wants nothing to do with me, so I don’t understand this relentless checking. I have made my peace with the break-up, but I’m having trouble moving on all the while he still has a proverbial foot in the door...
Jagged100 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I've been through something similar with my ex, in my case it was checking up on my Instagram feed. What I learned was whatever their reasons are it really doesn't matter. You are moving on, so what if he wants to check up on you? Let him. End of the day, live your life and I promise he'll get bored eventually.
Author z3phyr Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 I've been through something similar with my ex, in my case it was checking up on my Instagram feed. What I learned was whatever their reasons are it really doesn't matter. You are moving on, so what if he wants to check up on you? Let him. End of the day, live your life and I promise he'll get bored eventually. Thank you for your reply I'm not opposed to having him in my life, in fact it would be great if we could still be friends, as we share a handful of mutual friends. However, it's clear from his lack of contact and the block that he wants nothing to do with me, so I've respectfully left him alone. It seems counterproductive to me to block someone but continue to keep tabs on them!
somanymistakes Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Well, there's always the unpleasant possibility that he wants nothing to do with you but would like the ego-boost of watching you suffer over him.
Telemachus Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) He looks at your site and you look at his IP address in your visitors' register. You both have a foot in the door. It could be that he's simply interested in reading your writing: it may be what he liked best about you when you were together. That comes with having a public website - you put some of you on display for the whole world to see. That doesn't mean that he wants to interact with you, no more than noticing his IP address means that you want to interact with him. I read many writers with whom I wouldn't want to spend five minutes together, in person. I read and enjoy the work of dead writers - same goes there - I'm not dying to see them. Edited March 28, 2017 by Telemachus
Author z3phyr Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 Well, there's always the unpleasant possibility that he wants nothing to do with you but would like the ego-boost of watching you suffer over him. I wouldn't say I "suffer" over him, just curious as to why he's checking up. And I write about music, so there would be no insight into my wellbeing from him checking the site anyway.
Whodatdog Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 He has no foot in the door. Checking someones website is nothing more than idle curiousity. 1
Author z3phyr Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 He looks at your site and you look at his IP address in your visitors' register. You both have a foot in the door. It could be that he's simply interested in reading your writing: it may be what he liked best about you when you were together. That comes with having a public website - you put some of you on display for the whole world to see. That doesn't mean that he wants to interact with you, no more than noticing his IP address means that you want to interact with him. I read many writers with whom I wouldn't want to spend five minutes together, in person. I read and enjoy the work of dead writers - same goes there - I'm not dying to see them. The thing is, I have to look at my site hits, as stated in my original post. He doesn't have to look at my site. It was him that wanted to be friends originally, but I wasn't ready and cut contact again. Since then, he's blocked me. I confided in a friend about it and she said he probably misses me and that checking up on the site is a way for him to feel like he's still included in my life without having to go through the ordeal of an awkward ex-boyfriend/girlfriend conversation. I guess I will never know. I don't want to reach out to him and ask, because I don't think he knows I can see his visits and I don't want to make the situation worse between us by potentially embarrassing him.
Author z3phyr Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 He has no foot in the door. Checking someones website is nothing more than idle curiousity. Every day?! That's a lot of idle curiosity...
Altair0770 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Did you break up with him or did he break up with you?
Author z3phyr Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 Did you break up with him or did he break up with you? He broke up with me.
Jagged100 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Thank you for your reply I'm not opposed to having him in my life, in fact it would be great if we could still be friends, as we share a handful of mutual friends. However, it's clear from his lack of contact and the block that he wants nothing to do with me, so I've respectfully left him alone. It seems counterproductive to me to block someone but continue to keep tabs on them! It is counterproductive from his point of view but that's for him to deal with. You've done the healthy thing but stopping all contact. You seem like you don't want to get back together with him, but it may not be as simple for him. Blocking you was the obvious thing to do, this is a more subtle way of staying in your life. Like I said before you need to ignore it, don't message him 1
Author z3phyr Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 It is counterproductive from his point of view but that's for him to deal with. You've done the healthy thing but stopping all contact. You seem like you don't want to get back together with him, but it may not be as simple for him. Blocking you was the obvious thing to do, this is a more subtle way of staying in your life. Like I said before you need to ignore it, don't message him Thank you I fully intend to ignore him. I suppose his checking could just be morbid curiosity, however, every day is obsessive. I'd honestly prefer a message over that, as that kind of behaviour is borderline creepy.
Jagged100 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Thank you I fully intend to ignore him. I suppose his checking could just be morbid curiosity, however, every day is obsessive. I'd honestly prefer a message over that, as that kind of behaviour is borderline creepy. He's hurt, when we're hurt we do stupid things that we wouldn't do when we're in a good space. He will be fine in time and he'll disappear
Author z3phyr Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 He's hurt, when we're hurt we do stupid things that we wouldn't do when we're in a good space. He will be fine in time and he'll disappear I hope so. I would eventually like for us to be friends, but I guess he's just not there yet, and I'm not going to hold my breath for that to ever be the case either. It is strange behaviour, since he is the one who broke up with me and he seemed perfectly fine with the break-up too. He was initially really angry when it first happened and didn't want to speak to me. After he'd calmed down, he approached me about remaining friends. It was me who fell apart after the break-up and begged for reconciliation. In the end, I cut all contact because I was finding getting over him too difficult. I can't tell if him checking up on me is coming from a place of the situation finally having sunk in and him genuinely hurting, or if he's just a narcissist who misses me pining over him. I guess either way it no longer matters.
Author z3phyr Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 So today I did something that was perhaps a little unwise - I snapped and text him. Not without cause, however. I found out that he's been taking posts from my site and using them as a means to probe one of our mutual friends for information about me. In my text I began my outlining the fact that I can see that he is visiting my site and that I know he has been involving our friend in the situation. I said I was happy to keep away from him but respectfully not to involve third parties in my/our business. I was civil and to the point. Not sure if I'll receive a reply or not but hopefully it puts a stop to all of this!
mightycpa Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 As an additional measure, why don't you just block/redirect visits from his IP address? It's incumbent upon us human beings to help good people be good.
Author z3phyr Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 As an additional measure, why don't you just block/redirect visits from his IP address? It's incumbent upon us human beings to help good people be good. I'm not really sure how I would go about doing that! Hopefully now he knows I can see him looking he will stop anyway. I guess we'll see!
BC1980 Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 So today I did something that was perhaps a little unwise - I snapped and text him. Not without cause, however. I found out that he's been taking posts from my site and using them as a means to probe one of our mutual friends for information about me. In my text I began my outlining the fact that I can see that he is visiting my site and that I know he has been involving our friend in the situation. I said I was happy to keep away from him but respectfully not to involve third parties in my/our business. I was civil and to the point. Not sure if I'll receive a reply or not but hopefully it puts a stop to all of this! Did he reply to your text?
Author z3phyr Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 Did he reply to your text? Not yet. I'm doubtful that he will, as I imagine he's embarrassed that I know he's been snooping. However, with stuff like this - if he does reply - he will take his time, as he likes to pick his words carefully. As creepy as what he was doing was, I was happy to ignore it. But I draw the line at him dragging our friends into it.
Author z3phyr Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 Okay, so no reply to the text. But now he knows I can tell when he's visited he's started using a proxy server instead. Am I correct in thinking that this has shifted from curiosity to intensely creepy? Or am I overreacting?
Jagged100 Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Okay, so no reply to the text. But now he knows I can tell when he's visited he's started using a proxy server instead. Am I correct in thinking that this has shifted from curiosity to intensely creepy? Or am I overreacting? How do you know it's him? I think it's weird but like I said people who hurt do strange stuff. What do you think?
Author z3phyr Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 How do you know it's him? I think it's weird but like I said people who hurt do strange stuff. What do you think? When you use a proxy server, the only thing that changes is your location, and it will be logged as a proxy, all of the computer details stay exactly the same. It's definitely him. I thought it was a little odd before but was prepared to ignore it. Now it's outright scary. Imagine someone is following you down the street and you make them aware you know they are doing so. Instead of stopping or explaining themselves, they put on a Groucho Marx disguise and continue to do so. You'd be scared, right? I'm also intensely pissed off that he is involving third parties. I am so over all of this drama. I get that he may not want to talk and is dealing with all of this in his own way. However, selfish as it sounds, I wish he would do it in a way that's less obnoxious to me.
Author z3phyr Posted April 1, 2017 Author Posted April 1, 2017 An update: He text me back, basically along the lines of "oh I knew you could see me looking. I only used a VPN as there was one I've been mean to try out for ages" I don't believe that for a second. He is embarrassed and lying. If he had a new VPN why would he want to test it out on my website?! I also know that he's not been on there since I called him out, so what he said is definitely a lame excuse. I just fired back "it's not you looking that I have an issue with, it's the fact you're involving other people" I really hope this puts an end to it.
Jagged100 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Definitely sounds like a lie on his part. He should have just admitted he missed you instead of being a creep. The involving of other people is unacceptable though and I hope he stops. He is being immature and it's stupid
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