centered Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 For the guys who have been in love, then had their heart ripped out: How long did it take after the breakup with the woman you loved to be open to feeling love again? And, as a data point, how long was the relationship where you felt true love?
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 with me it depends how far I fell for her.. But generally takes me about 6-8 months before I'm ready to my heart ripped out again.. No.. Wait.. I don't have a heart left anymore.. Just a lump of scar tissue
J dub Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by A Fly onThe Wall No.. Wait.. I don't have a heart left anymore.. Just a lump of scar tissue Sounds to me like he's still a little bitter
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by J dub Sounds to me like he's still a little bitter Nah.. Not bitter.. I'm in my 40's.. After the last 2-3 stompings my heart finally just said fu*k it.. Now the only thing left is a pile of scar tissue..
Icarus Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 I was 19. Head over heels after about 3 mos; lasted a year. Didn't feel that again until I was 32. That one was after a little over a month. Both broke my heart. Last one took a good 6 mos. to get over (First one didn't take 13 yrs ... I was just lazy). But ... bring it on ... I'll take the highs and risk the lows any day!!!
Dasani Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 a rebound... with a lot o' sex and being cooked for.. REALLY speeds it up
J dub Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Dasani a rebound... with a lot o' sex and being cooked for.. REALLY speeds it up Totally agree
TUDOR Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 I'm with Dasani a whole lot of good things can help get over a bad past. For me it took a little over 2 years before I let another woman close enough to me again. Even now I think I am jaded in some ways and have held back from truely giving into love.
Author centered Posted July 27, 2005 Author Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Dasani a rebound... with a lot o' sex and being cooked for.. REALLY speeds it up Well, he's had *two* rebound girlfriends already, had lots of kinky sex with one and lots of home cooking with the other. And now he's getting *both* (lots of sex and lots of home cooking) with me It's been 5 months, and things are going well, but he's aware of his damage in opening up again to the L word.
TUDOR Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by centered Well, he's had *two* rebound girlfriends already, had lots of kinky sex with one and lots of home cooking with the other. And now he's getting *both* (lots of sex and lots of home cooking) with me It's been 5 months, and things are going well, but he's aware of his damage in opening up again to the L word. My advice is just don't push but rather let him fall in love again. Sounds like things are on the right track.
Dasani Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by centered Well, he's had *two* rebound girlfriends already, had lots of kinky sex with one and lots of home cooking with the other. And now he's getting *both* (lots of sex and lots of home cooking) with me It's been 5 months, and things are going well, but he's aware of his damage in opening up again to the L word. In that case hes riding the gravy train! just dont fall for the overly sensitive guy who is using you for the ALWAYS welcome sex and cooking... mmmmmm sex and cooking ::homer drool::::
Author centered Posted July 27, 2005 Author Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Dasani In that case hes riding the gravy train! just dont fall for the overly sensitive guy who is using you for the ALWAYS welcome sex and cooking... mmmmmm sex and cooking ::homer drool:::: I can just picture Homer saying that! LOL Yeah, he's got it pretty good with me right now, and I'm going slow and staying patient. He's a good guy. But I hear ya' about the "sensitive" thing. I do tend to prefer the take-charge kind of guy, and he seems a little broken in this regard. But he's also very complex, very witty, a lot of fun, and really trustworthy. So I think he's a keeper. I hope he feels the same about me.... Time will tell! I just hope I don't have to wait YEARS to find out!
Author centered Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Everything he does, every gesture, glance and touch, is so loving.... He takes my hand when we're driving somewhere or walking. He guides me with a hand on the small of my back. He calls me every day, even if we're going to see each other later that day. He includes me in things he does with friends and even family. He introduces me as his girlfriend. He enjoys tender things like steadying my hips when I get something out of the oven, or brushing stray hair out of my eyes. He sometimes takes my face in both hands and gives me long, passionate, deep kisses when I least expect them. He gets a gleam in his eye when I step out of the shower. He holds me close at night, spooning, and buries his face in my hair. He pulls out the chair at the restaurant. He takes heavy shopping bags and trades them for the light ones. He talks about the future, his finances, his house, and plans he's making a year or two down the road -- and he mentions me in those plans. It's a little confusing, really! I mean, I'm getting all the signals from him that this is the real deal and he is in love with me, but he has specifically told me he just can't open that part of himself -- at least, not yet. I was determined not to tell him how I felt, or to say it first; but a few weeks ago he insisted I tell him what I was keeping from him. He thought there was something dire I wasn't telling him all because I had little silences sometimes when I wanted to say "I love you" but caught myself. So he kept insisting, and I knew he wasn't going to say it back, but I didn't want to lie to him, and we don't keep anything from each other. So I whispered it. And he said he knew, and it was so obvious to him that I loved him with everything I said and did for him, and he treasured the gift of my love, but he just couldn't honestly say he loved me, too. I cried a lot when he said this. But he took the time to reassure me that he didn't want to be with anyone else, and that he just needed time and was hoping that he would heal someday. Then a week later, he brought this up again, and mentioned how it might take years for him to heal and be able to feel love again. Years?! That's what prompted this thread. I don't think I could stay with someone for years, having an unrequited love. I mean, it's not real love if it's not mutual, you know? It can't be all one-sided, or it's really just a crush, just infatuation. But things have deepened for us so much that it *feels* like love from him. Is it possible he is feeling love but is just scared to say it? <sigh> This is hard. So, meanwhile, I'm just going to enjoy what we have, keep on hoping, and be patient. I don't want anyone else, either. I can actually imagine myself growing old with him, sitting on the porch swing watching the sun set and holding hands....
alphamale Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by centered How long did it take after the breakup with the woman you loved to be open to feeling love again? 5 years before I felt again. but i broke a few hearts myself during that 5 yrs
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 It sounds like he loves you and is afraid to say it. Either way, he is treating you very well. You could ask him if his feelings for you are growing, so at least you have a better idea of where things are headed. I don't think he's going to just wake up one day and not feel any pain of his past. He has to PUT it in the past and the sooner the better. You only live once and I believe that love is worth taking the risk and laying your heart on the line.
Merin Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Hmm.. My Boyfriend went through a divorce and yeah it made him bitter as hell about Love. We've been together for 8 months now.. and Damn it hasn't been easy. The first date we had, he actually said to me "Damn Merin you're so amazing.." Followed with "I'm never getting married again!" WTF I was like "Uh.. okay.. so is a movie still good to go with you or no?" About 2 months or so into our relationship we were sitting at a restaurant and he said "I'll be with you forever BUT I'm never getting married again" my response "Okay, can I have the salsa?" 3 months or so into things.. he says "You'll never hear the words I love you come from me.. but know I do" Alrighty.. 4 months.. "Merin Love is a powerful word... being in Love scares me" 5 months "I love you Merin.. I'm not ready to live together.. but know I love you" 7 months "Have you thought about us living together Merin?" This doesn't come easy to him.. we're still working on things.. My advice to you at this point.. DON'T tell your Guy you Love him again in words unless or until he says it to you first.. keep showing him you love him, watch for his actions that tell you he feels the samew way. Good Luck
alphamale Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by Merin This doesn't come easy to him.. we're still working on things.. he's a smart guy...at least when it comes to dealing with women
Author centered Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Alpha, I'm sure you were *born* to break hearts Some woman will be very lucky when you finally find her. MWC, I think things *are* growing. He mentioned feeling some little threads of emotion the other day, but he wants to be careful not to grab hold of them and consider himself "healed." His wife left 2 years ago, and he's been living on his own since then. The divorce will be final in early 2006, and that may have something to do with it. It's all amicable, and he and the ex are still friends, and I like her, too, so it's all good. But he thought he'd be with her forever, and that's hard to recover from. Even harder, though, is his second rebound which lasted about 5 months, moved way too fast, and they both said "I love yous" to each other early on. He tried to push himself into loving her, but ultimately realized he just didn't really love her *that way*, they had little in common, and she was the one who had rushed him into a hasty relationship. I found him through a dating website -- and both of us were just looking for potential friends with common interests at the time. He was still with rebound #2 when we first met, and after 2 weeks, when it was clear we were becoming more than just friends, he broke up with rebound #2. But he felt terrible about that breakup. He spent 12 hours breaking up with her, but didn't tell her he'd found someone else. He waited another 2 months to tell her about me. Meanwhile, she was still calling him constantly and trying to get back together. He was so afraid of hurting her, he just couldn't make a clean break. Some damage there to his thought processes regarding love, I think. Or maybe just plain old inexperience (rusty?) with dating and dealing with women.... Merin, I like your story -- he sounds so sweet. And you're handling it just perfectly. I think your advice is really good, too. I had told him right after that first time that I wouldn't say it again until he was ready, but he said that was silly -- that if I felt it I should say it, and he wasn't going to flinch or run off from hearing it. So in our case, I use it sparingly, when I really am filled with the feeling, and he smiles and gives me a hug. I think it reassures him to hear it, so it's not a bad thing. But I worry about it fading if he just can't reciprocate. Okay, I need to get off the hamster-wheel and stop over-analyzing. So far, it's a good thing we've got going! He's promised me if he ever decides he really *doesn't* love me, he'll tell me straight out and not put me through a 12 hour ordeal! Meanwhile, I'm still hoping.... And if I'm rebound #3? Well, it's all a learning experience, I guess.
alphamale Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by centered Alpha, I'm sure you were *born* to break hearts Some woman will be very lucky when you finally find her. I'm already with her CENTERED....we've been together for 4 yrs.
Author centered Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale I'm already with her CENTERED....we've been together for 4 yrs. This thread of yours confused me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56943/ And there are other threads, too. So.... nevermind.... Congrats, I guess.
alphamale Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by centered This thread of yours confused me: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56943/ And there are other threads, too. So.... nevermind.... we were broken up for 4 months back then. its on and off
TUDOR Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale we were broken up for 4 months back then. its on and off are we talking about your sex life or the relationship?
Author centered Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale we were broken up for 4 months back then. its on and off Well, congrats, then!
Pyro Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by centered For the guys who have been in love, then had their heart ripped out: How long did it take after the breakup with the woman you loved to be open to feeling love again? And, as a data point, how long was the relationship where you felt true love? Like a fly on the wall said, it depends on the feelings that you have for the individual. I have only felt true love twice in my life. The first lasted almost two years. Since she was my first and I was inexperienced in dealing with the kind of emotions that were involved in a breakup, I was a mess. It took me almost a whole year before I was open to love again. Relationship #2: we were together for a little over a year. Now, I was experienced and was ready to deal with a breakup, and because of what happened in the relationship and how it ended, I refused to let myself become an emotional wreck and to let her get the best of me. It took me only two months to be open for love again. In those two months was not sorrow and depression, but preparing myself to be willing to trust another female.
clynn Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale he's a smart guy...at least when it comes to dealing with women ha ha ha ha ha ha hah!!!!! Actually, I think that Merin is the smart woman, at least when it comes to dealing with men!! ha ha ha, good on you Merin. i love the, okay but how about the movie? Okay, pass the salsa.... Men are sooooo funny.. Remember, they usually do things that scare themselves! Its so funny! In other words, this guy does love you. If you believe that love is what you DO and not what you SAY. He is behaving in a loving fashion and love is not just a noun but a verb. He may not admit it or even realize it, but he is loving you, actively, all the time, in very nice ways, as you've pointed out. The men in my family (my dad and two brothers) are fabulous wonderful partners to their significant others. But they are very reticent to express love verbally. It is unfortunate for their spouses, however, if being loyal, honest, committed and giving is love, then they definitely are that!
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