act00 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Im not sure why youre referring to him as boyfriend in quotes. I never called him that. I didnt use that word at all. <snip> I used quotes because he's not really a boyfriend in the sense of commitment. I used the term itself as an identifier. Men that young are just rather "flaky" in general, or what I perceive as flaky. I don't know that any of them (male/female) really grew up in a world where active planning in advance really ever took place. We grew up w/o cell phones or computers and we planned, in advance, we didn't talk daily (landline is all we had), and we showed up when were supposed to. It's a major generation gap in just how people do things, because a lot of young people simply grew up in a world with instant communication and more constant communication as well. It is inconsiderate to keep you hanging, and I certainly understand when you decided to jump back into the "pool." I have a 35 year old "boyfriend" who is quiet adept on non-communication until the night he feels like getting together...I'm done with him. 1
Author grays Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 so what exactly is the problem then lol? I mean if you don't truly care hes your boyfriend and you don't care that hes only with you then why care if he doesn't lock you down on plans? if you truly do not care then what I said at the beginning should be easier. what am I missing? Is it really true that i should only care how he treats me if im willing to demand exclusivity? I dont understand. I also dont understand the animosity here.
kendahke Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I dont expect him to be a boyfriend, tho. I dont even know if Id be willing to be exclusive w him. I dont expect him to only be with me. If this is true, then act like it. You aren't the desperate girlfriend who is afraid she's getting dumped. You are a free agent who can be with men who treat you way better than this. Don't demote your worth with this guy. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Is it really true that i should only care how he treats me if im willing to demand exclusivity? I dont understand. I also dont understand the animosity here. No animosity just confusion. What I am trying to understand is if you don't care about exclusivity with him why care if he doesn't make plans with you or he makes it on his terms when it's highly probable he is busy elsewhere? You two have a set up that encourages him to not have to lock down any plans with you so im super confused on a) why do you care when this is the type of relationship your suppose to be okay with b) why is it hard to do what I said earlier which is focus on other people and not worry about him when this is the type of relationship you two have set up....I'm trying to understand what exactly do you expect from the guy in this type of relationship.
frus69 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) I used quotes because he's not really a boyfriend in the sense of commitment. I used the term itself as an identifier. Men that young are just rather "flaky" in general, or what I perceive as flaky. I don't know that any of them (male/female) really grew up in a world where active planning in advance really ever took place. We grew up w/o cell phones or computers and we planned, in advance, we didn't talk daily (landline is all we had), and we showed up when were supposed to. It's a major generation gap in just how people do things, because a lot of young people simply grew up in a world with instant communication and more constant communication as well. It is inconsiderate to keep you hanging, and I certainly understand when you decided to jump back into the "pool." I have a 35 year old "boyfriend" who is quiet adept on non-communication until the night he feels like getting together...I'm done with him. hmm i don't agree young men are flaky in general. i have never met a guy who makes last minute plans or cancel plans last minute or gets back to me the next day. i guess i must have nipped them in the bud. I would not reply anymore as soon as someone started taking 10 hours to answer. it's not a problem of being young, it's a problem of being not interested Edited March 29, 2017 by frus69
Author grays Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) No animosity just confusion. What I am trying to understand is if you don't care about exclusivity with him why care if he doesn't make plans with you or he makes it on his terms when it's highly probable he is busy elsewhere? You two have a set up that encourages him to not have to lock down any plans with you so im super confused on a) why do you care when this is the type of relationship your suppose to be okay with b) why is it hard to do what I said earlier which is focus on other people and not worry about him when this is the type of relationship you two have set up....I'm trying to understand what exactly do you expect from the guy in this type of relationship. I care because I really like him and I also value my own time. I would hang out with a friend who treated me this way and id want them to treat me better. My FWB guy never does that kind of thing and I never do it to anyone else. Plus I never said I dont care about exclusivity. I think about exclusivity a ton and I care about it a ton. Im nkt so sure that I want it with this guy partly because I would ceel even ****tier if he was doing this to me if I had chased everyone else out of my life and felt like I couldnt go out. Its been six weeks for christ's sake. Are we really at the point where I need to know exactly what I want this relationship to be? ETA: You say this is the "type of relationship Im supposed to be okay with" but I never agreed to any "type of relationship." And I would never agree to a type of relationship where I let this happen. You dont have to be exclusive with someone to becrespectful or even to put them first in your life. Edited March 29, 2017 by grays
kendahke Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Its been six weeks for christ's sake. Are we really at the point where I need to know exactly what I want this relationship to be? You're getting close to the point in all new relationships where the representatives are being dismissed and the 'real you' for both of you comes to the fore. It's also the time where weak foundational relationships fall apart. You dont have to be exclusive with someone to be respectful or even to put them first in your life. True, if you're not trying to have a sexual relationship with them. Once sex is introduced, things change and they change for a variety of reasons, as no two people have the exact same reasons for doing what they do. 1
Author grays Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 You're getting close to the point in all new relationships where the representatives are being dismissed and the 'real you' for both of you comes to the fore. It's also the time where weak foundational relationships fall apart. True, if you're not trying to have a sexual relationship with them. Once sex is introduced, things change and they change for a variety of reasons, as no two people have the exact same reasons for doing what they do. I agree that six weeks is getting toward the time of another level. And I think thats why Im having this issue now. Gotta deal with this either by changing how hes treating me or getting rid of him. And yes, sex complicates things. But Ive had great non-exclusive mutually respectful sexual relationships.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I care because I really like him and I also value my own time. I would hang out with a friend who treated me this way and id want them to treat me better. My FWB guy never does that kind of thing and I never do it to anyone else. Plus I never said I dont care about exclusivity. I think about exclusivity a ton and I care about it a ton. Im nkt so sure that I want it with this guy partly because I would ceel even ****tier if he was doing this to me if I had chased everyone else out of my life and felt like I couldnt go out. Its been six weeks for christ's sake. Are we really at the point where I need to know exactly what I want this relationship to be? ETA: You say this is the "type of relationship Im supposed to be okay with" but I never agreed to any "type of relationship." And I would never agree to a type of relationship where I let this happen. You dont have to be exclusive with someone to becrespectful or even to put them first in your life. "Type of relationship your suppose to be okay with" meaning y'all are not exclusive and y'all can date other people. Isnt this the case for you two? You too are not exclusive and can date others right? If so then how is it disrespectful that he is not locking down a set time with you when he can date other people? If he is not obligated where is the disrespect? Why should he put you first if y'all are not exclusive and y'all can date other people? I'm sorry I'm still not understanding where you coming from with this. The fact of the matter is this...he doesn't have to lock a time and he doesn't have to put you first just like you don't have to care when he has shown you that he don't care to lock a time for sure (which he have already shown you). You don't have to keep asking what he wants to do. You don't have to wait on him. That was all I was trying to get you to understand. I get you may like/liked? him. I get that maybe you considered exclusivity with him and maybe not. But whether we are talking exclusivity. Whether we are talking about making set plans. It's a 2 way street. You have no control over what he does. But you can control what you do. So if you asked about plans and he acting wish washy you can choose to make plans with someone else and not worry about what he going to do. If he wants to see you he can catch you another time. And since y'all are not exclusive and can date other people then to me that's all the more reason to make the choices that I and other people on this thread encouraged you to do. Good luck.
Author grays Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 "Type of relationship your suppose to be okay with" meaning y'all are not exclusive and y'all can date other people. Isnt this the case for you two? You too are not exclusive and can date others right? If so then how is it disrespectful that he is not locking down a set time with you when he can date other people? If he is not obligated where is the disrespect? Why should he put you first if y'all are not exclusive and y'all can date other people? I'm sorry I'm still not understanding where you coming from with this. The fact of the matter is this...he doesn't have to lock a time and he doesn't have to put you first just like you don't have to care when he has shown you that he don't care to lock a time for sure (which he have already shown you). You don't have to keep asking what he wants to do. You don't have to wait on him. That was all I was trying to get you to understand. I get you may like/liked? him. I get that maybe you considered exclusivity with him and maybe not. But whether we are talking exclusivity. Whether we are talking about making set plans. It's a 2 way street. You have no control over what he does. But you can control what you do. So if you asked about plans and he acting wish washy you can choose to make plans with someone else and not worry about what he going to do. If he wants to see you he can catch you another time. And since y'all are not exclusive and can date other people then to me that's all the more reason to make the choices that I and other people on this thread encouraged you to do. Good luck. I guess I just disagree with your whole attitude. And those arent my rules. I dont care if we're exclusive or not. If we ****ed yesterday, I expect you to treat me respectfully today even if you have a date with someone else. You can still say, hey Ive got other plans, how bout another time. And if youre kinda hoping to go out w someone else but keeping me as a back up, I wouldnt like it, but i do think it would be fair to say, "im not sure what my plans are tonight, can I let you know later." Im not demanding that he treat me like a girlfriend. Honesty and respect, tho, are important. More than anything this is about respecting my time. If hes not down to hang out with me, he nedds to lmk so i can make other plans and not end up sitting home bored on a night i would have really liked to be out having fun.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I guess I just disagree with your whole attitude. And those arent my rules. I dont care if we're exclusive or not. If we ****ed yesterday, I expect you to treat me respectfully today even if you have a date with someone else. You can still say, hey Ive got other plans, how bout another time. And if youre kinda hoping to go out w someone else but keeping me as a back up, I wouldnt like it, but i do think it would be fair to say, "im not sure what my plans are tonight, can I let you know later." Im not demanding that he treat me like a girlfriend. Honesty and respect, tho, are important. More than anything this is about respecting my time. If hes not down to hang out with me, he nedds to lmk so i can make other plans and not end up sitting home bored on a night i would have really liked to be out having fun. Ok this does clarify what you mean by disrespect cause I was very confused on that one. Though I understand how one can find it disrespectful....I personally don't see it as disrespect. I imagine he may not either. And I'm only saying that because I'm currently dating and talking to multiple guys myself and I personally dont think it's any one guys business what plans I may or may not have at a particular date. The only thing he needs to know is what I tell him (yes, no, maybe). For the record I'm not saying I do this but I'm saying I don't necessarily have to be open about what's going on. So I just want to reiterate that he doesn't have to do anything. He doesn't have to "let you know". You have the power to make plans with or without him. And that's the thing about dating. People don't have to do anything that you think they should. And the more people realize that and not put themselves in the position to be moved when someone goes left when you think they should be right the less negativity they would feel when it happens. Like you sitting at home and being bored doesn't have to happen even if he continues being wishy washy ya know? You can choose to not stay at home while he procrastinating....
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