Is this too inconsiderate or am I being oversensitive?

[clia]

I think you've brought a lot of unneeded stress upon yourself by making assumptions about his intentions and initiating and accepting last minute plans.

 

2 days ago I mentioned monday was a good night for me to see him, he said nothing in response to that...

 

He said nothing, so you had no plans with him. You were free to make other plans.

 

7 pm yesterday he asks if ive seen a particular movie, I text him back that if he wants he can come over and watch it for free am w me, he didnt respond till this morning, so I have it in the back of my mind till like 9 that maybe he'll end up coming over, it was a bummer of course

 

Don't do these last minute invites so early on. All it did was lead to "will he or won't he" for you.

 

11 am this morning he says I wanna take you up on that, i texted back pretty quick, great, when do you wanna come over? I was assuming he meant tonight since I had earlier told him monday was good and i know hes got plans for a lot of the week

 

You assumed he meant tonight, which only caused you more stress. He never said it was tonight, and he never responded previously when you told him you were free on Monday. It was a bad assumption on your part.

 

3:45 today realize i havent heard back and ive now spent half my day thinking im hanging out w him tonight but maybe not, maybe he just meant sometime not necessarily tonight, i texted him and said hey, i was thinking you meant tonight but now i realize things are pretty vague so please let me know. That was an hour ago and nothing.

 

This is all on you -- he never gave you any indication he wanted to hang out with you on Monday.

 

In a minute Im gonna text him and say Im making other plans. My only other night available is wednesday, Id love to see you then.

 

I read ahead and saw how this turned out, but why even bother texting him to tell him this? Just go ahead and make other plans, and if he decides to get back to you, say "Sorry, I didn't hear back so I made other plans."

 

You have to stop accepting (and initiating) this last minute stuff if you want him to start making plans with you in advance. If he doesn't make a plan, go on your merry way and make other plans.

[grays]

Ok, to play the devil's advocate here, in your OP you mention you never see him on his phone which is a GOOD thing, one of the things I love about my bf as well. So MAYBE when he's not with you, he's also not glued to his phone all of the time. If he's working, spending time with friends/hobby, maybe that's why he's slow to respond. Now, I would have an issue with someone waiting hours and hours or until the next day to reply/confirm plans, but I try to not get upset if my bf doesn't get right back to me, because he doesn't get back to other people when he is with me.

 

Yes! I do think this might be part of it. And I love it that hes not on his phone when hes w me. I think he might be less attached to it than most of us are. And I do think that could explain some of this but probably not all of it.

 

Also, I have wondered how much of it could be shyness or insecurity. I know that sounds weird bc the way I described it sounds more like game playing or deliberately making me wait but there have been times that its felt like he was too insecure to come out with it. This is possibly more wishful thinking on my part, but I did sense it before this became an issue.

 

And I just remembered that I kinda called him on this very early like after our first date. He had bedn texting me all day but then disappeared at the exact time i was supposed to be free and ready to meet him. And I cant remember what I texted but it was pissy. I never get pissy, but i was really like wtf??? And he responded right away very apologetically, similar to this time. At the time i wondered if other women had gotten pissed at the same thing in the past.

[grays]

Clia, I hear you and I wish I was more like that. I feel like I cant go on my merry way if Im just hoping he'll want to be with me. Its not like im in a great mood at those times. Im sad and anxious about it. And I also have very little free time. If I dont see him on my free night (sometimes two) in a week I have to wait a whole nother week. And Im dying go see him. So the idea of making other plans is depressing. Then i just cant see him.

 

Yesterday i did make other plans and then he wanted to see me. I had wanted to see him so bad and maybe i could have, but i had a stupid date! Of course the part of me that wants to give him a big **** you thinks that was just as well. But the part of me that wants to be hugged and adored is pretty frustrated.

[preraph]

Omg im losing my mind. Im literally walking out the door to meet this other guy and now he texts saying he wants to see me. Wtf??? I told him like 4 hours ago that i wanted to see him but i was makingvplans if he didnt and he passed. Now ive made other plans. Unbelievable.

 

You have to straight up tell him if you don't hear back, you assume he's not available and make other plans. Do it with a smile. You're busy, not vindictive.

[joseb]

I I'll do devils advocate too, so why not call instead of text to set up plans? Maybe he really is one of the few people who isn't glued to his phone today (though if so he should have explained that to you really).

 

Personally I usually don't read messages (or take calls) when I'm working as it breaks my concentration. If I have time I'll check them at lunch but depends, so for me 4 hours isn't that long.

But I let people know that.

Edited March 28, 2017 by joseb

[grays]

Aiight. He came over. We had a really great time. Talked for like two hours, crazy sex, lots of cuddling, and then went out for pancakes. I felt like he was falling all over himself to make it right and make sure I felt ok. It was really sweet and Im happy I had my tantrum and it brought the issue out into the open.

 

I really didnt wanna talk about it by the time we got to that. But I told him I just couldnt wait around all day worried that he was gonna not going to come thru and Id be left high and dry on a rare free night ending up home alone. And he swore he wasnt doing it on purpose and that that only happens when he gets really focused on what hes doing (which rings true bc sometimes I feel like hes pretty open and responsive by text). He said he was going to try not to let it happen but that if it does I should just call him on it and he'll give me an answer. And he said he was planning on seeing me last night and hadnt really realized that we didnt have a firm plan and was surprised when I said I was out.

 

I about 95% believe all that. I really dont think its about stringing me along and keeping his options open.

 

This whole thing has made me feel both more comfortable with him and into him and more like hes really not a long term option. I never really thought he would be. Hes 15 years younger than me and he wants to have kids and stuff and he should. But something about this whole episode has put him into better perspective somehow. Maybe removed the rose colored glasses, made everything more real.

 

I feel good right now. And i feel like i'll be more comfortable saying something if it happens again.

[Whodatdog]

I am proud of how you have handled this. People will treat you the way that you let them; you let him handle you as little priority to him long enough. Now, he sees that you will not wait around for him if he decides to not make you a priority. Good for you!

 

Bet he doesnt do that again.

 

Or maybe one of these other guys will float your boat. At any rate, good for you!

[grays]

I I'll do devils advocate too, so why not call instead of text to set up plans? Maybe he really is one of the few people who isn't glued to his phone today (though if so he should have explained that to you really).

 

Personally I usually don't read messages (or take calls) when I'm working as it breaks my concentration. If I have time I'll check them at lunch but depends, so for me 4 hours isn't that long.

But I let people know that.

 

I actually hate talking on the phone.

 

I dont expect any texts during his workday and hes only texted me during work once ever. I have to admit tho that I notice when hes off work and hope to hear from him soon after. Sometimes I do, but not always. And I try to do my part, initiate at least some of the time.

[grays]

I am proud of how you have handled this. People will treat you the way that you let them; you let him handle you as little priority to him long enough. Now, he sees that you will not wait around for him if he decides to not make you a priority. Good for you!

 

Bet he doesnt do that again.

 

Or maybe one of these other guys will float your boat. At any rate, good for you!

 

Thank you! I do feel like Im learning something about how to navigate all this.

[preraph]

This is another example that baffles me….

 

 

 

 

 

Why don’t more women have this mindset?

 

 

Why when women have so many options, choices being treated like crap is seemingly a turn-on?

 

Folks I get this is learned behavior and goes way back, I guess when you read so many discombobulated human train wreck stories you wonder what is the quickest way to “unlearn” allowing men to treat you less than you deserve? It should not be stressful!

 

Women constantly complain about why the men that they’re dating aren’t willing to put in the right amount of effort. He never calls only texts, never wants to leave the house, never wants to go on a real date or is simply unromantic and aloof, ghosts, selfish, rude.

 

Women don’t realize is the man IS putting in effort, as much as he sees necessary for what he wants. If a man acting like a jackass gets him what he want, that is exactly how he will be.

 

 

There is only one-way of dealing with poor behavior, just don’t!

 

The unfortunate answer to this is simply that a whole lot of guys do not respect or treat you well. Sometimes it seems like they're all little boys or just always lying or evading or multidating and being secretive. It's truly hard to find one who isn't doing something wrong, and to be fair to men, it is a balancing act. They can't be too at your feet or that seems like a problem too. It's just not simple deciding what flaws to accept.

[preraph]

It's fine he said to call and remind him, but I wouldn't do that every time. At least half the time, I'd just still face reality that you're not important enough to get his focus long enough for a text and just make other plans. Do not let this guy monopolize your time and keep you waiting on the sidelines, because if you do, it will never ever end.

[clia]

Aiight. He came over. We had a really great time. Talked for like two hours, crazy sex, lots of cuddling, and then went out for pancakes. I felt like he was falling all over himself to make it right and make sure I felt ok. It was really sweet and Im happy I had my tantrum and it brought the issue out into the open.

 

And what brought this on? You making other plans and moving on your merry way with another guy. You should seriously take note of this the next time you want to suggest a last minute date or want to wait around for him to get his act together and ask you out.

 

And he said he was planning on seeing me last night and hadnt really realized that we didnt have a firm plan and was surprised when I said I was out.

 

LOL. I don't believe this one bit. But ok.

 

My impression is that you've been needy enough toward him that he thought he could do what he wanted, that he had you wrapped around his finger, but you going out with another guy scared the hell out of him because it made him question things. So now he's making excuses that he thought you had plans. Did you ask him when exactly he thought he made plans with you?

[frus69]

This guy is playing you hard I can't believe you cant see it. I can't believe you actually think he's being extra nice because he cares.

To see if a guy likes you, you need to observe his behaviour after the date, not during the date. You got it completely wrong Gees..

When you are around he doesn't give a flying F about how you feel, when you told him you are seeing others he panicked but not because he cares about you, more because his narcissistic self can't handle it. So he put on his good behaviour just to lure you back in again so he can take control again. Now he knows he's got you back on hook, he will get flaky again. You will see very soon

Edited March 29, 2017 by frus69

[ashy555]

Be Careful Gray!

 

From what you have written, I can't fully trust this guys intentions. If he does it again, let him go. It will not get better.

He really has to pull his socks up NOW if he really likes you and wants to continue sleeping with you.

 

Did he ask you about the other guys you are dating? Did he say anything about being exclusive? Anything to give you any idea that he may want a relationship with you? Or was it just having fun and sex?

[act00]

He'll do what he needs to do to keep you hooked up for sex, and he doesn't like the idea that you are seeking other men, maybe genuinely interested, but not interested enough to prioritize you. This will be a pattern. He will always have more important things on his agenda, of which he is quite responsible in maintaining and planning. He clearly cannot plan with you, or place your life in an important place. He likes that you'll just be around when he has the time. When he feels insecure that you are straying, that is when he will put in the extra effort, after which, he will drop off again. I do hope that he makes changes, but don't hold your breath.

[grays]

 

LOL. I don't believe this one bit. But ok.

 

My impression is that you've been needy enough toward him that he thought he could do what he wanted, that he had you wrapped around his finger, but you going out with another guy scared the hell out of him because it made him question things. So now he's making excuses that he thought you had plans. Did you ask him when exactly he thought he made plans with you?

 

I dont think he thought we had an actual time set, but I think in his (slightly self-absorbed) mind him saying lets see this movie plus me saying yes, lmk what time meant we were planning on seeing the movie and to him setting the time was an unimportant detail. Part of the reason it was unimportant to him tho was prob that he just figured he could do it whenever was best for him and id be there waiting.

 

I do really believe him. And while i think he was being inconsiderate and taking me for granted, I dont think hes done anything awful. It is true that this relationship may not be good for me and definitely wont if he reverts right back to this. I do think it surprised him and was a bit of a wake up call. But I wouldnt be surprised if he slides back into it pretty quick.

 

So about the possibility of him multidating and whether or not he wants to be exclusive... I dont think i want to be exclusive. I have been seeing other guys (more now that we had this snag) and Ive been debating the whole time ive been seeing him whether i could give them up (one specific fwb who ive been seeing for a year now would be hard for me to lose) or whether i could feel satisfied w just him alone. Definitely could not while hes acting this way. If i felt like he was prioritizing me more, maybe, and maybe I need to find that guy. At this point tho i kinda wanna see whats gonna happen with us. Today was really nice and hes gonna come over tomorrow and spend thursday with me. Im okay to wait and see.

 

ETA: I did tell him the one thing that would really bother me is if he was purposely stringing me along in case something better came up. He swore he wasnt doing that and I believe him. Of course, I know its poss he was doing that. Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. I can always change my mind. I dont have to do anything difinitive right now.

Edited March 29, 2017 by grays

[AndOrchid]

No, no, no. I don't believe a word out of this guy's mouth. Sorry but he's lying to you and not even convincingly. Why would he think you had plans for Monday? If anything he ignored ANY text referencing Monday (the first text you sent him to tell him you were free that night, the text about coming over for the movie, and the one after asking him to let you know). Then, when you offered Wednesday, all of a sudden he answered within minutes. It sounds like he had something else planned that night and when that fell through, he texted last minute to see you.

 

Sorry to say but you also have a part to play in this dynamic because you've made it so easy for him. The way he's treating you shows no respect for your time and yet you've continued to chase him. If you are not emotionally invested and don't see this guy as a long term option, that's fine. Just be aware that he's definitely keeping his options open and saying what he needs to say to keep you on the hook. And even if this is just casual for you too, you should not let him away with this behaviour because it is stressful for you.

[Arieswoman]

I feel sorry for the other guy who did nothing wrong and got cancelled

[grays]

I feel sorry for the other guy who did nothing wrong and got cancelled

 

Wait!!! Who got cancelled on? I didnt cancel on anyone!

[act00]

So you have a FWB and are actively dating other men, of which is known to this "boyfriend" (and should be). This changes the whole scope of the problem, because I don't know why you'd expect "the boyfriend" to put that much effort into you, if he's just one of your playthings. You state you are unwilling to abandon this FWB, nor this lifestyle of dating multiple men, as you don't want to settle down. Why in the world would you expect "this boyfriend" to give you his undying devotion, when you have all kinds of relationships on the side?

[TheTraveler]

ETA: I did tell him the one thing that would really bother me is if he was purposely stringing me along in case something better came up. He swore he wasnt doing that and I believe him. Of course, I know its poss he was doing that. Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. I can always change my mind. I dont have to do anything difinitive right now.

 

You're 15 years older with kids and he's a younger man.

 

You're a side bang to this guy. He'll keep you around while he bangs others and pursues what he really wants which takes time(finding the right one doesn't happen overnight). You're fodder for his lonely days.

 

No different than you with a FWB of over one year and going out on dates with others.

 

To me you're both just pissing in the wind otw to find what both of you really want.

[Arieswoman]

Grays,

 

Theres another guy who wants to take me out tonight and Im pretty close to ready to let go of this one just over the way he makes plans

.

 

I'm confused. I thought you were going to arrange a date with guy No2 because No1 wasn't coming through.

 

My mistake:o

[grays]

So you have a FWB and are actively dating other men, of which is known to this "boyfriend" (and should be). This changes the whole scope of the problem, because I don't know why you'd expect "the boyfriend" to put that much effort into you, if he's just one of your playthings. You state you are unwilling to abandon this FWB, nor this lifestyle of dating multiple men, as you don't want to settle down. Why in the world would you expect "this boyfriend" to give you his undying devotion, when you have all kinds of relationships on the side?

 

Im not sure why youre referring to him as boyfriend in quotes. I never called him that. I didnt use that word at all. If he wanted to be my boyfriend i think Id have a hard time resisting that. Like ive said repeatedly, i really do like him. It would definitely have to be a temporary thing, tho. Im 47 and I do think he needs to find some nice girl his own age and settle down before too long. I could totally see, tho, loving having him as a boyfriend for a while if we were able to spend a reasonable amount of time together and he was a little more straight forward about stuff like making plans.

 

I had been, until sunday, basically faithful to him tho we had not talked about being exclusive. I have no idea whether he was/is dating other people, but I wanted to be able to say i hadnt been w anyone else if he asked -- until it started really looking like he wasnt interested in something that substantial. When I started feeling pretty sure I wasnt his priority, I thought it was time to start looking again.

 

I didnt start this thread to complain that he had not given me his undying devotion. I was feeling upset bc he seemed to be treating me disrespectfully. I havent behaved in a way that would make it reasonable for him to feel like I treated him ****ty. No matter how many people i was or wasnt dating i never misled him or gave him any justification to treat me badly.

 

Im not sure where your animosity is coming from. I never said anything on this thread to imply that we were jn an exclusive relationship. In my OP I said we had been dating for six weeks. I think it takes a lot of people longer than that to get to "the talk" or to consider their partner a "boyfriend."

 

ETA: I dont have any playthings. During the time we've been dating, I've considered myself to have one FWB who is someone ive been seeing for a year that I care a lot about and who I have told about Matt. I hadnt been sleeping with him during the time ive been with Matt, though, if you must know, I did on sunday because I felt like there was no reason not to. Do you think it was wrong of me to feel like i was free to do that??? Pretty much everybody on the thread things hes ****ing around. And we've never talked about being exclusive. So im not sure why you think i deserve to be talked to that way about my FWB.

Edited March 29, 2017 by grays

[grays]

Grays,

 

.

 

I'm confused. I thought you were going to arrange a date with guy No2 because No1 wasn't coming through.

 

My mistake:o

 

Yes! I did arrange the date, and then went on the date and had a great time.

[Curiousroxy86]

I know there's a lot of truth here.

 

I dont expect him to be a boyfriend, tho. I dont even know if Id be willing to be exclusive w him. A week ago i wouldve, probably, but even then I had misgivings about that. I dont expect him to only be with me.

 

 

so what exactly is the problem then lol? I mean if you don't truly care hes your boyfriend and you don't care that hes only with you then why care if he doesn't lock you down on plans? if you truly do not care then what I said at the beginning should be easier. what am I missing?