Which kind of abuse would you call it?

[magnesium]

Just my 2 cents, but it doesn't sound like narcissism to me. You would have noticed extreme self-entitlement, and manipulation tactics at the very least. This doesn't sound like how a typical narcissist would act.

Edited March 28, 2017 by magnesium

[lostandconfused6]

I'm not a psychiatrist, but it sounds a lot like borderline personality disorder. I've dealt with a lot of people with this and it sounds similar. I've also worked with domestic violence victims in the past, and this is definitely a form of abuse. I'd classify it as emotional/psychological abuse, which often is overlooked because people always think abuse is just physical or sexual.

 

I have been called Bitch, told to go "f" myself, been ignored after a disagreement, told I am selfish and it's all about me. Lastly accused me of cheating on him with a co-worker.

 

Some of the BPD symptoms this sounds like:

 

• A pattern of unstable intense relationships, such as idealizing someone one moment and then suddenly believing the person doesn't care enough or is cruel
  
• Periods of stress-related paranoia and loss of contact with reality, lasting from a few minutes to a few hours--> the cheating?
  

 

One time I didn't go to a graduation party with him cause my own daughter was sick, he turned to look at me as he was leaving and said" I HOPE SHES SICK" and then left????

 

• An intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection
  
• Inappropriate, intense anger, such as frequently losing your temper, being sarcastic or bitter, or having physical fights
  

 

There were times I felt I couldn't talk about certain things because I was afraid of his response or action. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells. Many times I didn't want to go home because I would dread finding out what kind of mood he would be in! The looks,,,,,oh boy the looks he would give us. They are forever embedded in my brain. The anger, it was quite scary!

 

• Wide mood swings lasting from a few hours to a few days, which can include intense happiness, irritability, shame or anxiety
  

 

I could be wrong but it definitely sounds like BPD....Good for you for getting out of the relationship!

[Confushious]

Thank you so much for your insight. Everything youve written makes sense. Now the only problem is i feel guilty and sad because i put so much work into the relationship for it to end this way. I always felt something was off with him, but in the early stages of the relationship i thought he was just very sensitive. I need to mention i asked if he would go to counseling, but he refused. Said he didnt need or want anyone to tell him how to talk to his girlfriend. Also stated that if we needed to go to counseling i might aswell pack my **** now and leave. This of course left me hopeless and sad. I have so many feelings like i just left the relationship like i abandend him, but i felt i had no choice. He would and never will change. Am i a horrible person for leaving a man with a sickness?

[Confushious]

Thank you for our reply. Very insightful.. I have so many mixed emotions to deal with and now, i just feel like a rotten person for giving up on the relationship, but his words just got more and more hurtful! i don't think counseling would have helped even though i suggested it.

[Arieswoman]

katvision,

You've had some good advice here from people who have experience with these types of disorders.

 

Personally, I'm not fond of putting labels on people.

 

Firstly it needs a psychologist/psychiatrist/mental health specialist to give a correct diagnosis.

 

And secondly, it gives people a cop-out for their nasty, cruel, antisocial behaviour. The "oh they can't help it, they are ill" scenario, which you have embraced.

 

IMO it doesn't matter if they are "ill" or not. If their behaviour is intolerable, hurting and devaluing you, then there is no obligation for you to stay around and be the butt end of their ill-humour.

 

Please stay strong and stay away. You may find some counselling helpful to work out why you allowed his behaviour to continue for as long as you did.

 

Good luck x

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you for our reply. Very insightful.. I have so many mixed emotions to deal with and now, i just feel like a rotten person for giving up on the relationship, but his words just got more and more hurtful! i don't think counseling would have helped even though i suggested it.

 

Totally understand the guilt and it's valid, however, you're not a rotten person for giving up. You need to be happy in a relationship and it sounds like he wasn't even willing to try to fix things, so why should you stick around and try? I'm a huge advocate for mental illnesses not being a choice, and going on about no one choosing to have one, which is absolutely true, HOWEVER, there comes a point where someone has to help themselves and if they don't, that lies on them. It's one thing if you're trying to get help and things aren't working but you're still actively seeking help, and another when you're just resistent to everything.

 

I dealt with an eating disorder, which is much different from a personality disorder, but there's still the component of pushing yourself to get help. I have never once wanted to recover, if it was up to me, I wouldn't have, but I've pushed myself to go to treatment and get healthy again for the people I love multiple times now. I've actually been in recovery for a while now and it's hard but I push myself everyday and make the effort, even though i still mess up sometimes.

 

So, you're definitely not rotten. You did the right thing. If he's not willing to help himself, he doesn't deserve your help either. Nothing you say or do is going to change him, he's gonna have to come to that realization that he needs to work to change all on his own.

[Downtown]

Putting labels on people.... gives people a cop-out for their nasty, cruel, antisocial behaviour.

Aries, there is a world of difference between explaining abusive behavior and excusing it. If Kat's exBF really does exhibit bipolar or BPD behavior, it is important -- for his own well being -- that he be held fully accountable for it. Otherwise, Kat would be harming him by enabling his behavior. She would be destroying any incentives he has to learn how to manage his emotions (if BPD is his issue) or stay on his medication (if bipolar is his issue). This is why nobody on this thread has suggested that she protect him from the logical consequences of his own bad behavior. We all agree that the logical consequence -- her walking away from abusive behavior -- is best for both partners.

 

Moreover, I disagree with the view that acquiring basic knowledge about mental disorders is harmful or dangerous because that knowledge might be misused -- e.g., as a "cop-out." Of course, ALL human knowledge can be misused. This is not a good reason, however, to remain ignorant about everything. If this knowledge about BPD and bipolar warning signs were dangerous, hundreds of mental health centers would not be describing these warning signs on their public websites in an effort to educate the lay public.

 

Further, I note that Kat -- the OP of this thread -- is seeking help to better understand what went wrong in her failed R/S. Indeed, the topic of the thread is "Which kind of abuse would you call it?" It would be inappropriate for us to withhold information that may help her better understand what she was dealing with -- and may help her avoid running into the arms of another man just like the exBF she left.

 

Firstly it needs a psychologist/psychiatrist/mental health specialist to give a correct diagnosis.

Nobody on this thread has stated otherwise. I cautioned, "Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD." After dating her exBF for 8 years, Kat should be able to easily spot any strong occurrences of BPD behaviors. There is nothing subtle about verbal abuse, impulsiveness, and temper tantrums.

 

Before Kat graduated high school, she already could identify the selfish and very grandiose classmates -- without knowing how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. She could identify the class drama queen -- without being able to diagnose Histrionic PD. She could spot the kids having no respect for laws or other peoples' property or feelings -- without diagnosing Antisocial PD. And she could recognize the very shy and over-sensitive classmates -- without diagnosing Avoidant PD. Similarly, Kat will be able to spot any strong BPD traits whenever they occur.

[Confushious]

Let me just say you all have your own thoughts and experiences and opinions. All of which is very helpful. In the last 8 years I have seen a lot. I have put up a lot and maybe more than what I should have because I am a firm believer don't give up on a relationship until you have exhausted all options. I blamed everything outside of his personality for his behavior. Things like thyroid meds, his job, family stress, but never did I consider it to be a MPD/ OR Bipolor, UNTIL, I started to see it escalate into things I really could not explain rationally. So I want to thank you all! Keep talking to me, I am not a Doctor by far. I am just someone who fell in love with a man who I believe has some sort of disorder or whatever you want to call it and by the time I asked for help, or realized we needed help, it was / is to late. I have been so severely hurt and my self esteem destroyed it is to late. All I can do now is learn from it, sell the house we share and move on. I use to think I could change him, or he would change. The man is 51, I don't think he is about to change for anyone, I question now how much he did/does love me cause he wouldn't even consider counseling. That really hurts and makes me feel like I am not worth it to him. He has a hard time taking any of the blame.

[Confushious]

Totally understand the guilt and it's valid, however, you're not a rotten person for giving up. You need to be happy in a relationship and it sounds like he wasn't even willing to try to fix things, so why should you stick around and try? I'm a huge advocate for mental illnesses not being a choice, and going on about no one choosing to have one, which is absolutely true, HOWEVER, there comes a point where someone has to help themselves and if they don't, that lies on them. It's one thing if you're trying to get help and things aren't working but you're still actively seeking help, and another when you're just resistent to everything.

 

I dealt with an eating disorder, which is much different from a personality disorder, but there's still the component of pushing yourself to get help. I have never once wanted to recover, if it was up to me, I wouldn't have, but I've pushed myself to go to treatment and get healthy again for the people I love multiple times now. I've actually been in recovery for a while now and it's hard but I push myself everyday and make the effort, even though i still mess up sometimes.

 

So, you're definitely not rotten. You did the right thing. If he's not willing to help himself, he doesn't deserve your help either. Nothing you say or do is going to change him, he's gonna have to come to that realization that he needs to work to change all on his own.

 

 

Thank you. There is so much help for me here its incredible.

[Downtown]

In the last 8 years I have seen a lot.

Kat, it would be helpful if you would tell us whether his dysfunctional behaviors were persistent over those 8 years. If he exhibits a persistent problem with BPD, for example, the warning signs likely would have started appearing right after the wedding, if not before. I therefore ask again whether you saw many of these same abusive behaviors for many years prior to the first surgery? So far, you've only told us that he was "moody" before the surgeries but "very nasty and angry" following the surgeries.

[Confushious]

There was jelous rite from the start. There were mood swings and angry words as well. It has progressively gotten worse. After the surgery was when things really got out of control. Little things would make him upset, example throwing a bag of chips away that was practically empty. Before the surgery I just didn't know what would set him off, when I left I was very careful ad to what I did or said ca use it seemed I couldn't make him happy no matter what I did. Towards the end what made me decide to leave was the fact he just plain scared me with his verbal abuse. Constantly making me feel very little and feeling like my point of view and thinking was always wrong. He has been out on disability for 6 months which isn't helping, but all of what I've mentioned earlier was there prior to the surgerys. I just put up with it. The only reason I guess I got the strength to leave was because I saw my daughter deter eating and one day looked at me and said mom he treats you like ****. That came out of a 14 year Olds mouth. That was a big wake up call for me. I believe he was very jelous of her and I relationship as he was never close to his kids. My daughter is from another marrage. We are not married, his choice, not mine. Thankfully we didnt. Blessing in disquise.

[coolheadal]

To anyone who will read or reply. Yes I did a very stupid thing. Fell in love with a man 8 years ago, bought a house together thinking we would eventually get married. 8 years later he tells me " I just don't want to get married" No more to it. But that is not the problem. I have a 14 year old daughter who had seen me get verbally and emotional abused by this man. I just put our house on the market because I decided I had enough of being so emotionally distraut over this guy and left. Two days before New Years. At first I was ok, I was so buisy trying to move the hell out as fast as I could before I changed my mind, but now that everything has calmed down and im living with my mother, not so much. I'm thinking, I'm crying and scared. Another problem I am only 3 minuets from the house that he is still living in, or should I say using as a batchlor pad.

 

So its been 2 and a half months and all I want is the house to sell and move on. Is March and I live in NJ we just had a hug snow storm.....ughhh. Like walking away from everything I had isn't bad enough, now I am going stir crazy sitting in the house. I miss him, I still love him, but this isn't the first time I left. I left back in November and went back cause I wanted to see if we could work things out, I would never know if I didn't try andi could not live with knowng that. We both knew the things we had to work on.

 

Well here I am 4 months later, I left him, took my daughter and ran. That is how miserable I was. He would say the meanest things to me, look at me in the nastiest ways and I would feel like I was walking on egg shells all the time. Never knew what to say or how to say something in fear hed blow up. The last straw was him calling me a bitchin front of my daughter. Im sorry is it wrong for me to feel like there is no respect there for me? Then tells me I have been called worse. As if that makes it better?

 

What would I be teaching my daughter if I continued to let him treat me this way. I don't want her to think it is right? I need some help getting threw this. There is so much more to tell, so much emotional damage that has been done to both of us, im just trying to reach out to other people and get a unbiost view. It hurts like hell to hear my 14 year old daughter tell me "Mom he treats you like ****" That's pretty powerful! Help anyone......

 

You did the right thing to get away from his abusive blank (will not swear) not my nature too. So he wasn't the man you thought he was. He shows you his real side and you tolerated to the point your child has to tell you what her dad is doing to you as your in denial. But you see there is more to this just not the abusive only. I had happen to me with my ex-wife I wish we kids will I mean kids in general I learn today she wouldn't been a good mom, as she was a lousy wife and she would have been a lousy mom. So I would be better with someone who would have done a better job. The man you had I wouldn't call him a true man because he was abusive and more to you. You couldn't stand it no more. All those negative unhealthy comments aim at you was to pull your self-esteem down and you could control you and your life to his bidding. No women nor any man should be treated like that but no one. But you like me we fall into the love trap, where you are so much in love with them thus you look the other way thinking they would change. But now you know after several attempts their abusive nature is not going away it just gets worst. If he's a drinker then the physical abuse starts you telling us only about the verbal and emotional abuse. He I am sure had some abuse from his own family as well.

 

They get it from somewhere, mostly their own family. Mine was the same in all counts. But you still love this guy, that's another issue you have to over come and I feel you will never because you share a child with him. Sell the house good, you move out of NJ and start a new life in another state with your child. You get a job or have your current job transfer you to a better state. Get apartment, condo or townhouse. Find yourself again, before you start ever looking for a man. you might choose not to find anyone because of the abuse you had gone through with the kids dad. That has damaged you emotional and physically for life.

[Downtown]

There was jealous rite from the start. There were mood swings and angry words as well. It has progressively gotten worse.

Kat, I'm very sorry to hear that. I was hoping he was simply exhibiting a temporary flareup of what otherwise is a normal level of BPD traits. If he exhibits both strong and persistent BPD symptoms -- as you believe -- the problem likely would have been established in early childhood and the strong symptoms would have started showing when puberty hit in the early teens. After that, the strong symptoms would not have disappeared for any lengthy period.

 

It is very likely, however, that his strong BPD traits disappeared for several months during the courtship period. His infatuation over you would have convinced him that you are the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to save him from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation would have held his two fears (abandonment and engulfment) at bay, preventing you from triggering them. When the infatuation started to evaporate -- as typically occurs about 4 to 6 months into the R/S -- the fears would have returned and you would have started triggering them.

 

I believe he was very jealous of her and I relationship as he was never close to his kids. My daughter is from another marriage.

Due to their great fear of abandonment, BPDers typically become very resentful of the time and attention that the partner devotes to his/her own children and family members. My BPDer exW, for example, hated to see me spending any substantial time with my foster son.

[airborne3502]

Hello there!

Thank you for a response. I really enjoyed reading your comment. I love the Quote. Id like to chat with you some time on here. Seems we both have a positive out look n dealing with our broken hearts. I think I get better everyday, but it helps so much to be able to talk to people going threw the same thing. Looking forward to hearing from you again.

 

 

To parrot what others have said, you're better off having removed yourself from that situation. Your heart just needs to catch up with your brain. I'm sorry you have issues with the house you still have to get through, but eventually you'll get past that obstacle.

 

I never thought I'd post on a board like this, but it has been extremely helpful.

 

I read what women put up with, and I feel like a pretty decent guy by comparison.

[Confushious]

ok here is a tricky question. How do I do no contact when there is a house to sell involved. For the most part the only communication between the two of us has been strictly text message since I left and we put the house on the market. Messages regarding me moving our and the realtor. This is what happened. I got a message from the ex yesterday stating he does not know how I am because he has not heard from me( why should he honestly I was the one who moved out and left) Then goes on to write I hope you and (my 14 yr old daughter) are both well. Strange since he has been nasty up until this point with me. I agreed I would help him with half the mortgage every month until the house sells. Well that is what he was texting me about. instead of just leaving the message at "I mailed it yesterday you should be receiving it today or tomorrow", I added to it. I replied " There is a lot I want to say to you but what's the point you wont believe me anyway. I am extremely hurt you think: was/ am whatever cheating on you. BIG MISTAKE. He then replies " My name, its been 3 long months since you moved out ,left. You say it was because I accused you of cheating. You seemed to in a hurry and didn't have anything to say then but now you have a lot to say. I think if you had any thing to say you would have said it."

Well that just sent me back thinking, and being so angry and wanting to just go at it with him, but I didn't. I simply replied :There were a lot of reasons(why I finally left him)....and I did what I did cause I didn't know any other way how( meaning moving out so quickly). I should have just told him the check was in the mail and left it at that. The thing is I feel like we need to have closure. There is so much I want to say to him, but I don't necessarily want to see him. I guess I just want him to understand why? So what do I do? Should I just wait until the house sells, to finally say goodbye, or try to talk to him now? It could be months before we sell the house? My daughter is not his and we are living with my mother. There are absolutely no other financial strings attached just the house. We are NOT married so what do you think I should do? What is the best way to handle this. it isn't like we are stalking each other or harassing one another I just feel like I left and I never got a real chance to explain why. Help!

[Downtown]

I feel like we need to have closure.... I guess I just want him to understand why? So what do I do?

Kat, if he exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits as you believe, it will be impossible to achieve a lasting "closure" with him. Because a BPDer is unable to regulate his emotions like a mature adult does, he experiences intense feelings very often -- feelings that distort his perception of your intentions and motivations.

 

Significantly, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to intellectually challenge those intense feelings. Instead, he generally accepts strong feelings as self-evident "facts." This is why you cannot change his view by appealing to reason and evidence. Moreover, as his feelings change -- and they WILL change if he is a BPDer -- his perception of "facts" will suddenly change. A BPDer's perception of your intentions and motivations is largely dictated by whatever intense feeling he is experiencing AT THIS VERY MOMENT.

 

One result of this instability is that it is impossible for you to build up a store of good will or appreciation on which to draw during the hard times. Whatever appreciation he has for your latest efforts and sacrifices will be washed aside by the next intense feeling flooding his mind.

 

Another result is that it really doesn't much matter what impression or "closure" you leave him with on your last visit. As soon as his feelings change, his view of you will change. That's how emotionally unstable people behave. Trying to build a lasting sense of closure is as futile as trying to build a lasting sandcastle beside the sea.

[coolheadal]

ok here is a tricky question. How do I do no contact when there is a house to sell involved. For the most part the only communication between the two of us has been strictly text message since I left and we put the house on the market. Messages regarding me moving our and the realtor. This is what happened. I got a message from the ex yesterday stating he does not know how I am because he has not heard from me( why should he honestly I was the one who moved out and left) Then goes on to write I hope you and (my 14 yr old daughter) are both well. Strange since he has been nasty up until this point with me. I agreed I would help him with half the mortgage every month until the house sells. Well that is what he was texting me about. instead of just leaving the message at "I mailed it yesterday you should be receiving it today or tomorrow", I added to it. I replied " There is a lot I want to say to you but what's the point you wont believe me anyway. I am extremely hurt you think: was/ am whatever cheating on you. BIG MISTAKE. He then replies " My name, its been 3 long months since you moved out ,left. You say it was because I accused you of cheating. You seemed to in a hurry and didn't have anything to say then but now you have a lot to say. I think if you had any thing to say you would have said it."

Well that just sent me back thinking, and being so angry and wanting to just go at it with him, but I didn't. I simply replied :There were a lot of reasons(why I finally left him)....and I did what I did cause I didn't know any other way how( meaning moving out so quickly). I should have just told him the check was in the mail and left it at that. The thing is I feel like we need to have closure. There is so much I want to say to him, but I don't necessarily want to see him. I guess I just want him to understand why? So what do I do? Should I just wait until the house sells, to finally say goodbye, or try to talk to him now? It could be months before we sell the house? My daughter is not his and we are living with my mother. There are absolutely no other financial strings attached just the house. We are NOT married so what do you think I should do? What is the best way to handle this. it isn't like we are stalking each other or harassing one another I just feel like I left and I never got a real chance to explain why. Help!

 

 

First off pay with cashier or teller check in the name of the mortgage bank and account number on it. This way he can't use the money for anything else. Just don't cut a check to him for CASH or his Name on it.

 

Okay you do not need to talk with him about anything else ever again. If he has rights to see his 14 year old he can but you should not allow him into your house or where you staying. He has mental and emotional issues. He's your ex and you do not have to put up with his nonsense and comments. Be tough with him do not give in. Do not show weakness he'll walk all over you if you do. Your from NJ you can be tough then do so!

 

You don't have to explain anything to him. You left you did the right thing the abuse was way too much for you and your child had to talk to you for you to get out of there. Now your on your own. Coop and learn how to adjust. He will get on your nerves because he knows what buttons to push before you loose it and then get into heated argument with each other in front of your child. No need for that stay cool try not to have any contact with him while the house is in market for sell!

[Confushious]

We got an offer on the house today and he wanted to counter offer so we did. I have not heard anything from the realtor at all today. When him and I spoke yesterday on the phone he was very nice to me. So of course now im thinking I overreacted to his behavior and maybe I am just sensitive? I know this is crazy thinking, as to so many of you have told me I did the right thing by leaving him. So why the heck am I replaying all the situations in my head as if they weren't so bad. Is this the hurt and confussion, and wishing it could have worked out coming back to haunt me. Is this a classic case of he was nice today but tomorrow or next time will be a manipulative jerk? Why do they have to have such extreme behaviors? Why does he put me threw this. Why am I still replaying in over in my head? Does this go away after awhile? is it normal to rehash it in your head blaming yourself. I keep thinking if I just stayed and delt with it I wouldn't be this miserable right now. Asking myself "Was it really that bad" Maybe most couples fight like this and treat each other like crap, that doesn't mean you just pack up and leave. Am I having doubts? I really cant believe i'm doing this to myself!!!! Anyone with any thoughts? Id like to think i'm just still mourning the relationship ending.

[Downtown]

So why the heck am I replaying all the situations in my head as if they weren't so bad? Is this the hurt and confussion, and wishing it could have worked out coming back to haunt me? Is this a classic case of he was nice today but tomorrow or next time will be a manipulative jerk? Why do they have to have such extreme behaviors? Why does he put me threw this? Why am I still replaying in over in my head? Does this go away after awhile? is it normal to rehash it in your head blaming yourself?

Kat, you likely already know the answer to each of those questions. As Airbourne succinctly stated, "Your heart just needs to catch up with your brain" (post 39). At an intellectual level, you already understand the hows and whys. At an emotional level, however, you are having great difficulty believing it.

 

This is to be expected. After being in an abusive R/S for 8 years -- especially if it was with a BPDer as you believe -- you should expect the intuitive emotional part of your mind to take a year to catch up with the logical rational part of your mind. Indeed, when I walked away from my 15-year marriage, it took me at least two years before I was largely healed. I had no desire to date anyone for two years.

 

Gaining an intellectual understanding of his abusive behavior is the easy part. What is hard is convincing the intuitive, emotional part of your mind that your newfound knowledge is true. It therefore takes time to convert that intellectual knowledge into a gut-level feeling that it is correct. Converting knowledge into wisdom usually is a rather slow process.

 

So please stop beating up on yourself and feeling like a failure. You have been making real progress over the past 3 months. Because BPDers typically exhibit many childlike characteristics, it is very painful and difficult to walk away from a long-term R/S with them. You may feel like you're walking away from a sick child who desperately needs you. Or you may feel addicted to the sporadic periods of being adored and loved passionately. As you observed earlier, leaving is "so hard when they have a wonderful side as well." Generally, when BPDers are behaving well, they usually behave very VERY well.

 

This is why a BPDfamily poll (of about 430 BPDer relationships) revealed that nearly 75% of such relationships had 3 or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. Indeed, 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least 6 breakup/makeup cycles before eventually ending.

[Confushious]

Surprise I got a taste of Dr. Hyde today. Had to speak with the ex to agree on a counter offer today. He was not so nice this time, as to on Saturday. Funny how that is, I thought maybe he was coming round and was going to be pleasant again. To my surprise he did not like the offer we got in return and was very angry, raising his voice. I simply calmly said....." don't yell at me please".. What I got in return was " Im not yelling, you want me to Yell cause I can yell!" I am actually really proud of myself for remaining calm and just getting him to agree on our next offer and hang up. Boy this is exhausting, helped me realize again why I left. He is so Dr. Jekyl and Mr hyde I cant stand it!!! Anyway, kudos to me for being strong and standing up to him. I pray the buyers ACCEPT our offer. I just want to move on with my life!! Everyone please pray for me to get out of this mans life!

[Glhx]

He does have a lot to say.

 

He is heart broken about the whole situation. Counting the days for you to come back and forgive him for who he is that he can't help or doesn't know how.

 

His anger has intensified because you left

He probably has abandonment issues from childhood somewhere.

 

Having another man drop you off does put mistrust on a relationship. Would you feel ok if another woman dropped him off?

 

He sounds angry because he's in serious pain. He could use some anger management. He might have to go way back to find out what he's angry about but he could fix this. His pain makes him angry that he suffers.

We can only hold so much, than we lose it. With intensified pain it's holding that back and then holding whatever else back he was messed up about if he was even messed up.

 

Would therapy help him.....maybe behavioral or maybe his own therapy. He knows something is wrong with him. He doesn't like that he's angry.

 

See......anger in the energy of battle Physical and mental.

It is primal and unhandicapped. You had to get mad to be ready to fight long ago or you just died. Think of it like a tigers growl. He's telling you something.

 

So with that, what does anger mean?

It means, something is wrong.

People often don't know this.........but it means something is wrong

 

Emotions are signs.......

 

Happiness means something is right

Panic mean get the hell out of there

Anxiety is your fear of the future

Fear is a warning that harm may come to you

 

And then there is anger.....there is a threat.....perceived or otherwise.

You may not be the threat, you probably are not. But other men may be and that shows he values and cares about you. These people can say what they want but we all experience these things. We all have anger and jealousy and anyone here who's significant other that was dropped off after a party would think the same thing. It may not even be that they don't trust you......it may be that they don't trust them in the car with you and people can succumb to situations

 

He's probably good sometimes and there is a reason you stayed so long.

 

He has accepted you leaving but still doesn't want you to leave. He is more than likely very sad that you left.

 

The people on here threw a bunch of titles and names without knowing his side or hearing from him. In a sense.......no one here knows him

 

 

 

So to end this.

 

After 7 years my ex left and said all the same things about me.

 

Ok......

 

She too was dropped off by a man one night after going out

 

I too was furiously angry and had accused her of cheating on me.

The next day, she did as you did. She left with my daughter.

 

I was in the house alone missing her. And a whole lot of emotions ensued.

 

Ok...

 

 

Fast forward 4 months , man that dropped her off

 

Said

He ruined my life

Sent nude pictures of her to me

Told me they were cheating for months

Told me to mess with the right girl next time.....and I would have never been left

And a whole lot of other nasty things

 

She turned into a nightmare and I discovered she was a full blown narcissist on every level with every action. I haven't seen my kid in 3 weeks now as she's using her as a weapon. I never knew anything was wrong and she was the love of my life. I thought we had an amazing relationship.

 

She's still screwing this MARRIED MAN who denies dropping her off

 

 

And when she was dropped off by him that night .

 

I was furiously angry and I was right. The woman I loved......I never saw her again but the nightmare she became stayed.

 

Silent treatment and more emotional abuse than one person should ever see.

 

 

I was .......It's called .......discarded in narcissist terms

 

 

 

Did YOU personally do anything......maybe not.

But it was perceived that way. Maybe your ex was wrong about you. But I was not about my girlfriend.

 

Point is.......it happened and it could have been your boyfriend was right or wrong....he never knew..so he assumed because it looked like an affair.

 

 

 

 

 

I became angry and went crazy. More anger than I'd ever felt. I had a melt down yesterday as she told me she wanted him to leave his wife and he was to raise my kid. But I get her on the weekends maybe.

 

I was angry because something was wrong....I was furiously angry because a lot of something was wrong all at once...I actually went. Numbnand froze.

My friend found me ten minutes in and it took half an hour till it wore off.

 

 

She would not and has not talked to me. But she did admit to the cheating finally. After his wife caught them. She took him back and they continue to have the affair.

 

 

So I came unglued and screamed and let it all out. Cried my eyes out for two days.......she never knew.....maybe you don't know.

 

I was in our house for months like this.....angry....and she never knew. I had to leave and go to a patient friends house to heal. She sold the house and I had to move out.

 

I cried every day she was gone. But she said all the same things about me that you said about him.

 

I became ridiculously angry and am now sorting out why. I don't think my anger was as bad as your boyfriends.

 

 

 

 

See......her being a narcissit, she would do things that no one else did and I would become angry.

 

 

 

Why

 

Well

 

 

 

Do you know why people get angry

 

Influence

 

When they try to influence you to do something and they fail and get angry.

People like this like consistency and order.

You going out kills the consistency and order. He's not in control of himself and is afraid of losing you. This is insecurity.

But you were dropped by another man.......insecurity was either created or enhanced.

 

 

Where am I going with this.

It might give you some insight on how he feels.

 

I know narcissism very very well.

But I don't know borderline. I read that it's treatable.

 

I'll look at it and see if I am one.

 

Or

 

Maybe I'm mad about a lot of stuff not going right in my life.

 

Like back surgery or fear of being abandoned.....

 

Maybe you could work through it. Maybe he could.

Bit it will take being educated. I guarantee you he doesn't want to be this way.

 

If you do talk to him.

He will play games......he doesn't want to seem vulnerable.

But he is.

 

He just wants it back the way it was......order

Consistency....

 

I don't know what to tell you. Work it out with him or don't.

You sound like you love him. Maybe get to know eachother again and sort through.

 

You find another man and he knows......he will get angry because he still,lives you and always will.

 

Heal time on a ten year is supposed to be 2 years.

I was in 7

 

I hope to God I'm over this in 14 months....

 

However.......I'm looking at narcissistic triangulation.

 

Personally, not knowing you. I would say you should both take a break and work through some stuff patiently. Dealing with his anger and whatever is wrong with you. If there is and there always is. We all have flaws.

 

Calling it quits......maybe. Life is short and it is said that when you go looking we sometimes find other people and have to deal with all their flaws.

 

 

 

I wasn't angry before her but I sure am now.

You don't sound like my ex.

 

Good luck.

 

If you want to call me let me know.

[Glhx]

I read this wrong about the ride home aspect. My apology as it would not let me edit it. I'm thinking of my own situation a lot and see what I think about all the time. I've read so much it's a blur

 

The co worker beating him up was mixed up with the co worker dropping you off. It would have a very similar effect.....any other man in any picture in your life. Especially a co worker can have this....Because we spend a lot of time with them. Usually more than with our significant other.

 

Still yet......could t have helped his already weak self esteem.

 

 

He also sounds like when he says certain things like throwing in the towel.

What he's doing is asking you to tell him you will never leave him. He's crying out.....sure it's weird. It's like

 

I dare you to abandon me. If you stay then he's validated and order is restored

If you leave he's created his worst fear by pushing you away.

He will push you away ......and hope you don't leave. Calling him on his bs disarms that.

 

Like........you don't have to say throw in the towel.....just because your back is hurting and you feel vulnerable .......I'm not leaving. So feel safe.

I'm not going anywhere and I stick by you. Enough of that and stuff like that will stop. He's just scared. Love isn't conditional. Understanding through education

 

 

And not sayin it's too late. That fixes all.

Both of you would let your guard down if peace were established.

 

 

Same with a lot of the other stuff. It's an abandonment thing.

A lot of the quotes from him scream that.

 

As for me.....mine is a narc. They are a different species and she has no hope.

Edited April 5, 2017 by Glhx

[Confushious]

I moved out 4 months ago with my daughter and talked to him the other day in regards to our house being on the marke. Now I am starting to miss the hell out of him. We have both been doing really well with the NC rule, I told him I thought we needed to talk about the house a little more and get on the same page as to certain things, like price, when to drop the price, things like that, he hasn't responded except to say" Im confused what do you mean we are not on the same page?" So I explained better in a reply via text. That was last night. Have not heard a thing. That was yesterday, almost has just left me hanging? I also exsplained we could discuss it over a cup of coffee or over the phone I would be ok with that too. Let me know. I guess the no reply is telling me what? Hes thinking about it, or is he blowing me off? Why respond" Your not sure what im saying and then ignore me when I explain myself better? Im going nuts HELP!!!!!

[Goodguy05]

I moved out 4 months ago with my daughter and talked to him the other day in regards to our house being on the marke. Now I am starting to miss the hell out of him. We have both been doing really well with the NC rule, I told him I thought we needed to talk about the house a little more and get on the same page as to certain things, like price, when to drop the price, things like that, he hasn't responded except to say" Im confused what do you mean we are not on the same page?" So I explained better in a reply via text. That was last night. Have not heard a thing. That was yesterday, almost has just left me hanging? I also exsplained we could discuss it over a cup of coffee or over the phone I would be ok with that too. Let me know. I guess the no reply is telling me what? Hes thinking about it, or is he blowing me off? Why respond" Your not sure what im saying and then ignore me when I explain myself better? Im going nuts HELP!!!!!

 

A lil more info did u leave him or he left u?

 

Sounds like his hot n cold about the contact why I'm not sure share more about why u guys split

[Zahara]

Are you truly wanting to talk about the house or are you upset that he's ignoring you because you were trying to provoke an emotional response?

 

Start writing down all the verbal and emotional abuse he put you through. When you start missing him, read that list again to remind you of what your relationship was actually like rather than getting caught up romanticizing him.

 

There is no need to chat over coffee. Keep your communication strictly about the house and try not to take his non-response personally. You ended the realationship for a reason.

Edited April 11, 2017 by Zahara