Alostsoul1995 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 First of all thank you for taking the time to read this and bare with the incredibly long story I am about to tell as I desperately need some guidance and thoughts on how I should continue with my life. So I was dating this girl for 2 years and it was truly the happiest I have ever felt in my life during that period. We were both madly in love, we both treated each other as if our happiness depended on it, we had passionate sex, talked about our dreams of a future together with kids and much much more. Needless to say we was both incredibly hooked on each other from day 1. We did however have some low points in our relationship as with every relationship out there (nothing is perfect!) but we always managed to resolve our issues swiftly and without any serious issues. However 5 months ago she decided to break up with me because of the fact that I had a bad temper and would proceed to verbally abuse her (swearing, calling names etc) whenever we got into an argument which she really hated and which I had promised not to ever do to her again because I had done it before. I accept full responsibility for this and totally respect her decision for her actions that day but deep down I love her so much and I genuinely regret what I did that day. So what followed from me was the usual begging, crying, contemplating suicide, pleading with her to remember our beautiful memories together and endless apologising over the next 2 or 3 weeks I believe. She told me that she wanted to focus more on her studies because we was both at different universities and threatened to cut off all contact with me if I continued to do keep begging her which looking back I believe she still had feelings for me deep down but wanted me to show her some improvement before she would consider getting back with me. December came round and we still continued to chat, make jokes, laugh etc even though she had technically broken up with me and to be honest I really cant tell what I was to her during this time. Was I just a friend? Was I deep down still her boyfriend? I still don't know to this day. Sometimes I text her telling her that I loved her and sometimes she would repeat the same back but sometimes she did not. I asked to meet up with her during the holidays but she would constantly decline me telling me that she was busy and had things to do which hurt me (I know its stupid of me to feel this way) because at first she went from this absolutely passionate and love struck individual who once told me that I brought true happiness into her life and that she would always cherish any opportunity to be with me etc into now this cold person. We met each other about 3 times during the holidays and we just chatted about our lives since the breakup and as the idiot I am I started dropping some hints about us maybe getting together and talking about our past love but I think this turned her off more I'm not sure. New years came around and as per usual in our "relationship" if I can even call it that at this point in time I sent a huge text wishing her a happy new year, telling her how much I loved her, cherished her, turn over a new leaf for her etc blah blah blah right at 12:00AM January 1st as we usually do on special occasions e.g. birthdays/anniversaries. She didn't reply... Until about 15 minutes later when she did wish me a happy new year albeit definitely with a more cold tone compared to last years not sure how to describe it. So January, we both started university again and I thought that it would be best if I just left her alone and let her do what she needs to do as she was busy at this moment and I only ever talked to her if she texted me first. My birthday came around and I was anxious whether she would even remember it but fortunately she did and she actually wrote me a lovely message at 12:00AM wishing me a happy birthday, telling me how special I was to her, saying how she hopes we can fix our relationship together (??) and that she loved me deeply. As you can probably imagine, I was happy to receive this message because all this time I was confused as to whether she even still cared about me yet alone even loved me. Towards the end of January I confronted her (like an idiot) asking whether she even still cared about me/loved me and she replied saying that she did love me but she doesn't know why she has been treating me like a stranger the past months and that she would try to find the love for me again which she said was lost after what I did to her. I reassured her that I was still her for her whenever she needed me and she understands given that I offered to give her support with family issues/work/school etc whenever she needed it. So February came along and so did Valentine's Day. I brought her a gift (sometimes question myself why even though we technically aren't in a relationship I'm so stupid) and brought her a card. On V day as usual we sent messages to each other at 12:00AM sharp and she reaffirmed that she loved me alot and that she wished for a future with me. She said that our relationship had been damaged by both of us (the fact I was losing my temper etc, begging, pleading with her etc) and the fact that she had treated me badly too before and after our breakup (I forgave her for this). Late February came and I had not seen her since last year and was really missing her. We agreed to meet at some point when she was free to perhaps rekindle our relationship. However I at this time due to how much I had missed her and how i yearned for her, I continued to ask her when she would be free for this 'meeting' and like a totally idiot lost my temper again when she would make excuses to not see me even though she said she would e.g. i'm busy with XYZ. At this point in time I had no idea if she was even seeing someone else in her life and just wanted to keep me as some sort of backup relationship (maybe I'm just insecure). She reacted badly to this and once again i had hurt her heart with my temper . I apologised etc etc long story cut short we met in early March and given we both was living this weird strange on off relationship long distance I told her that I was going to give her space to heal and to remember the positive memories from our relationship and to give me the chance to work on my anger management skills and to show that I am not constantly obsessing over her which she said makes her feel caged. This is the point I discover the NC rule and I began to apply it in order for me to get over with the amount of pain I had gone through missing her. One week later, she contacted me asking how I was the past week and what I was getting up to. We chatted and chatted until she starts to get angry at me for not talking properly which I denied as I was talking normally to her. She said that it didnt seem as if I really cared about her anymore after the week of no contact which I denied saying that I loved her but I did say I was going to give her some time to heal and to give me time to heal. She apologised and that was it.. Until 2 weeks later of NC (absolutely no contact), she messaged me out of the blue at 12:10AM asking 'what have you been up to'. I replied the following afternoon cheerfully saying that I was busy getting on with life going to the gym, meeting friends, going out etc (I actually was, instead of being depressed at home). She replies 'sounds good' and I agreed. No contact between us since. I found this strange too as she usually still despite us not being in a relationship calls me names such as hunny, my love, darling, babe etc but in this instance she didnt? Thats the end of my story which I tried to condense as much as I could only leaving in the important parts. My burning question right now is: 1) Is the NC working? 2) Do you think its worth me still giving her space? (I really love her and want her back so much) 3) Do you think from what I have written that she even has feelings for me? Would really appreciate some advice/guidance on my life at the moment as she is just lingering in my head even though i am trying to heal through NC. Just want to hear some thoughts. Thank you for listening.
SevenCity Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Just so you understand, NC is not some kind of secret weapon to get your ex back, it is meant to heal you. Sometimes they might come back, and usually won't if you constantly chase them. But the reasons for contacting you might not be to get back together. From listening to others here, dumpers make it clear when they want you back. She sounds hurt and still cares about you but not enough to come back. Look at her actions not her words. She knows you are there if she wants and it makes you less attractive. You have to give her space. Regardless if you love her and want her back. The decision to leave was hers and the decision to come back has to be hers as well. 2
Simple Logic Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I'd say she still cares about you, but she knows you are toxic to any future relationship.
jamili Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Sounds like you went NC wayyyy too late, which is fine, it just delays you. Her little breadcrumb text sounds pretty typical... but you broke NC by replying. Reset the timer. For NC to actually be NC (and to create any chance of her maybe coming back someday), you gotta be strong and apply REAL NC. That means when she texts you asking what's up, you must IGNORE it. Do not reply back. Each time you reply, understand you killing the chances more and more. Its hard to do, trust me i know. But its the only way. So keep NC, its going to be a long time. No replying to ANYTHINg she sends unless its along the lines of "i want to get back together with you".
Author Alostsoul1995 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I am committed to NC now, having done a bit more reading about it. What do I do if she reacts badly to me ignoring her messages because she has done before by getting angry at me (if she does initiate contact btw) because usually she texts me on Facebook messenger. I can ignore her messages but I can escape the fact that she will be able to see that I have been online but not replying (dont think blocking her completely will help)
SevenCity Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Sounds like you went NC wayyyy too late, which is fine, it just delays you. Her little breadcrumb text sounds pretty typical... but you broke NC by replying. Reset the timer. For NC to actually be NC (and to create any chance of her maybe coming back someday), you gotta be strong and apply REAL NC. That means when she texts you asking what's up, you must IGNORE it. Do not reply back. Each time you reply, understand you killing the chances more and more. Its hard to do, trust me i know. But its the only way. So keep NC, its going to be a long time. No replying to ANYTHINg she sends unless its along the lines of "i want to get back together with you". I always find this advice interesting. I suspect most dumpers would give up if ignored. I like the way Craig Kenneth says to handle. Don't ignore them but unless they start talking about reconciliation, reiterate your position of uninterested in friendship. I think it also has to do with timing. If they send a hello text after 6 months I don't think it would be good to ignore unless you don't want them back.
Bromeo Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I always find this advice interesting. I suspect most dumpers would give up if ignored. I like the way Craig Kenneth says to handle. Don't ignore them but unless they start talking about reconciliation, reiterate your position of uninterested in friendship. I think it also has to do with timing. If they send a hello text after 6 months I don't think it would be good to ignore unless you don't want them back. Agreed. This advice is the best of both worlds, and is flexible enough to apply to multiple situations. Op, for real. Don't fret. I am an old man at 38, and chased mine for months. Like an idiot. After I finally went nc, she contacted me after a month. More games, but you get the point. Jamili has been there, as I, and marky, and sweetfish, and everyone else when dealing with those yummy breadcrumbs. Be patient, work on yourself, let the emotions drain out. All will be well.
spiderowl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I could not tell you if the no contact is working in terms of getting your girlfriend back - only time will tell. The point of no contact is to allow yourself to heal and to stop the interactions that are only bringing back the hurt and turmoil. As I see it, the big problem here is your temper. If someone has got sufficiently angry with you that it makes you feel insulted and afraid of what they will do, it is very hard to regain trust. I think that is the issue. However much your ex loved you, she is always going to be wary. She is probably torn about it too because she did love you and wanted to be with you until the anger surfaced. I don't know if you have tackled this problem or not but I think you should focus on getting counselling and help for your anger problems. This may help you cope with your feelings for you ex too because it sounds like you need some support. Anger has cost you a lot. If you deal with the anger issue she may come back, but trust has been damaged. Don't let anger ruin any future relationships.
Whodatdog Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I am committed to NC now, having done a bit more reading about it. What do I do if she reacts badly to me ignoring her messages because she has done before by getting angry at me (if she does initiate contact btw) because usually she texts me on Facebook messenger. I can ignore her messages but I can escape the fact that she will be able to see that I have been online but not replying (dont think blocking her completely will help) How will you know if she reacts badly if you are NC? Yes, blocking her completely will help.
basil67 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 What steps have you taken in terms of learning anger management? While it's unlikely I would give a second chance, the one hope for them would be if they had successfully undertaken some type of behaviour modification program and they were able to explain the insight gained into themself and the anger management strategies learned during the program. Apologies and promises to never do it again simply wouldn't cut it.
Dandannydandan Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I always find this advice interesting. I suspect most dumpers would give up if ignored. I like the way Craig Kenneth says to handle. Don't ignore them but unless they start talking about reconciliation, reiterate your position of uninterested in friendship. I think it also has to do with timing. If they send a hello text after 6 months I don't think it would be good to ignore unless you don't want them back. Seven City thanks for name dropping Craig Kenneth! I've just checked out a couple of his videos and he seems to give some great advice. I'm almost thinking of signing up to one of his one/one help sessions.
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