When to reach out to ex

[lostandconfused6]

What does contacting her accomplish?

 

I think you should answer this question in details, outlining several different scenarios. Then we can talk about what you can achieve by contacting, or not contacting her.

 

As for saying she still wants you as part of your life, it may or may not happen. I told my ex (who I broke up with) that we could still be friend, but when I saw him after we broke up he was obviously still hoping we could get back together. Unless both parties no longer have feelings for each other, you cannot remain friends. You cannot be friends with someone when, if they have another SO, you wish you could replace that SO and be the most intimate person with them. That's not how friendship operates.

 

It accomplishes getting to talk to someone who I care about. Part of our breakup was due to her mental health issues that she needs to deal with and I'd like to know how she's doing. Neither of us in our hearts wanted to break up but she seemed to think like it was the logical thing and what she needed to do. I don't know, it's been 2 months so I guess she still feels she made the right decision.

 

I'm not gonna lie, I definitely still have feelings and definitely would have a hard time being just friends but I also know I care about her as a person. She didn't set out to hurt me it was just an unfortunate consequence of the circumstances, so as much as I want to hurt her for how heartbroken I felt/still feel, I don't want to risk losing her from my life completely. I guess I'm hoping it could still work at some later point, but I also miss talking to her.

[lostandconfused6]

How have you improved your self in the last 2 months?

 

Well we broke up mainly because of her issues and in the beginning i was putting all of the blame on her. But after a lot of self-reflection I've been able to shift away from the tunnel vision I had and see that I obviously did contribute to the break up. But in regard to self improvement, I first got a hold on my own mental health. I'm in med school and obviously things are stressful. I started to relapse with bulimia that I've been in recovery for for 3 years now. In the past 2 months I've fixed that by getting a therapist and nutritionist. So I'm back on track with that.

 

I also feel a lot more self confident. I was devastated by the break up and it took a big hit to my self esteem but working through it has enabled me to make some improvements- realize what I'm worth and what I deserve, what I want/need in a relationship, that not everything is my fault, etc.

 

Definitely more work to be done but I've come a long way in 2 months, if I was told at the start of this that my depression would have significantly improved by today, I wouldn't believe it.

[lostandconfused6]

Ok, I see all my other tovarisch weighing in here.

 

Lemme hit you with some perspective. I chased my ex for 3-4 months. I let my emotions run wild, needed closure, gave gifts, proposed marriage, and did everything wrong a lovesick idiot can possibly do. Nothing, and I mean nothing made a even dent.

 

Now, those that have read my thread know what a game player mine was, so it's not all my fault. Lol

 

Do nothing, say nothing, reach out 0 times going forward. Nothing is accomplished, and you aren't ready emotionally to handle any response. When you are, it won't matter anyway.

 

Food for thought, after I got beat up enough and finally went nc, she contacted me after a month. Hers was more games, yours might not be so inclined.

 

Work on yourself. I think I've read almost everything on the interwebs about breakups now. Even those redpill weirdos.

 

This is a time for you to focus on you. I've taken up new hobbies, long distance running, have developed a solid financial plan, won awards at work, and am moving.

 

My ex is dating a guy who shovels snow for a living. God love karma. Lol

 

Op, everything will be ok. Stay centered.

 

Dave

 

Thanks for the advice. I totally understand your situation. A few years ago I was in a relationship with someone very similar. We were on and off a million times because of all the game playing and manipulation. Now, having gone through that I promised myself to never date someone anything like that again. I can spot it a mile away. My current ex isn't someone who would play games, just not her personality. She's a very kind person, just going through some hard times at the moment. Might sound like I'm making excuses for her, maybe I am, who knows anymore lol I've been overthinking this situation to the max.

 

I think I'm gonna continue to work on myself for now, still a consideration, but i'd prefer she reaches out. I guess I'm just scared that she might want to but thinks I'm still mad.

 

Good for you! Isn't it great when karma comes around? The manipulative ex I mentioned earlier is with someone who's unemployed, I laughed for days.

....hoping my most recent ex is still single like she said she would be.

[Gillys]

Like others have said the friendship route with an ex is a hard pill to swallow.

I tried remaining friends with mine. When she told me she started dating someone new that she met on an online dating site (after she told me she wasn't looking to date) I felt like I got dumped all over again.

 

I was so terrified of losing my best friend completely, I tried to act unaffected and attempted to keep the friendship going.

I held it together every time she was in front of me gushing over how wonderful her new bf was, how he did things that I never did and how perfect he was, etc. However, I was in tears the moment she walked away. Friendship with an ex is tough while you're still in love. Speaking from someone who got dumped while in professional school too, focus on your studies as much as possible, exercise and remain NC. Just work on yourself and do well in school. Don't let this girl ruin your chances of getting into a good residency or failing out of med school by consuming your mind.

[Jj66]

You might be able to become friends later, after a substantial period of no contact but right now things are too fresh. My last gf and I are friends now, but neither of us reached out for six months and then as fortune would have it I ran into her in a town 500 miles away while on a dive trip. It really is a small world. We don't hang out together. It wouldn't be appropriate since we are both involved with others now, but we are friends. We make occasional contact relating to scuba diving which is a keen interest we both share. If we had tried to stay friends during the healing process it just would have made things worse for both of us.

[Blanco]

It accomplishes getting to talk to someone who I care about. Part of our breakup was due to her mental health issues that she needs to deal with and I'd like to know how she's doing. Neither of us in our hearts wanted to break up but she seemed to think like it was the logical thing and what she needed to do. I don't know, it's been 2 months so I guess she still feels she made the right decision.

 

I'm not gonna lie, I definitely still have feelings and definitely would have a hard time being just friends but I also know I care about her as a person. She didn't set out to hurt me it was just an unfortunate consequence of the circumstances, so as much as I want to hurt her for how heartbroken I felt/still feel, I don't want to risk losing her from my life completely. I guess I'm hoping it could still work at some later point, but I also miss talking to her.

 

You will need to grow accustomed to not talking to her. I don't doubt that you care about her, but your desire for communication is, in some part, fueled by the natural thought process that she cannot forget about you/discount a relationship with you so long as you are in her world. This is understandable, but also a guaranteed way to keep you emotionally stuck.

 

The truth is, the reasons that broke you up are not easily resolved. You will likely get nothing but false hope waiting around for her to work out those issues.

 

You must break the habit of talking to her, which seems impossible now. But it's like breaking any other habit. You wanting to continue doesn't justify foregoing the harder path.

[Blanco]

....hoping my most recent ex is still single like she said she would be.

 

And this is why you need to let go. You are holding her to something that she cannot guarantee. We don't generally chose who we meet and when. Most people, even if they intend to be single, are not going to pass up a good potential match should one present itself.

 

By staying tethered to this idea that she will remain single just because she said she would be is, frankly, a naive mindset that will probably end in emotionally crushing fashion if and when she meets someone. You need to prepare yourself for that, because unless she's going to pack up and move to a convent, she will meet someone new eventually.

[dumbass2]

Well, you have your answer due to the distance and there is nothing at all you can do about it. You're young and have a bright future so focus everything you have on med school. If everything else in the relationship was good, then she won't forget about you anytime soon. Sure there's a chance in the future with her or even someone better. The fact is that you were okay with the distance but she ended up not being okay with it. She did the right thing for her and you have to accept that. She was not going to make you choose her or your school so there was nothing to talk about in her mind. There's a very good chance she may contact you a ways down the road, as long as you stick to solid NC. Any contact now will push her away and leave a lasting impression. Focus on yourself now and great things will happen. You can't even just be friends right now. It will eat you alive so please don't consider that until a ways down the road when you are not as emotional.

[foofightingguy]

Ok, I see all my other tovarisch weighing in here.

 

Lemme hit you with some perspective. I chased my ex for 3-4 months. I let my emotions run wild, needed closure, gave gifts, proposed marriage, and did everything wrong a lovesick idiot can possibly do. Nothing, and I mean nothing made a even dent.

 

Now, those that have read my thread know what a game player mine was, so it's not all my fault. Lol

 

Do nothing, say nothing, reach out 0 times going forward. Nothing is accomplished, and you aren't ready emotionally to handle any response. When you are, it won't matter anyway.

 

Food for thought, after I got beat up enough and finally went nc, she contacted me after a month. Hers was more games, yours might not be so inclined.

 

Work on yourself. I think I've read almost everything on the interwebs about breakups now. Even those redpill weirdos.

 

This is a time for you to focus on you. I've taken up new hobbies, long distance running, have developed a solid financial plan, won awards at work, and am moving.

 

My ex is dating a guy who shovels snow for a living. God love karma. Lol

 

Op, everything will be ok. Stay centered.

 

Dave

 

I absolutely did the same thing as Dave, chased trying to get back with my ex for a good 5 months. Still meeting, still having ex sex, still trying to get back, and still texting.

 

In the beginning it was 50/50 on both parties, as time goes by it slowly became me doing most of the initiation. This is what will happen in many cases, the ex will still get the emotional support and at the same time move on while we cling on thinking there is hope.

 

I found LoveShake too late and made all the mistakes. Had I known, I would have gone NC right away and work on myself while leaving a better image of me (not that it's bad in any way now) in my ex's eyes.

 

If you really hope for a reconciliation, which I know in your state of mind now that's what you want, the only thing to do is to let go first and work on yourself. Really let go, and assume it is forever gone, that's probably the only chance you might have a shot in the future (probably months or years down the road). This is from a lot of wise people on here and I am trying to do the same myself.

 

It's hard, but it's the only way.

[lostandconfused6]

Like others have said the friendship route with an ex is a hard pill to swallow.

I tried remaining friends with mine. When she told me she started dating someone new that she met on an online dating site (after she told me she wasn't looking to date) I felt like I got dumped all over again.

 

I was so terrified of losing my best friend completely, I tried to act unaffected and attempted to keep the friendship going.

I held it together every time she was in front of me gushing over how wonderful her new bf was, how he did things that I never did and how perfect he was, etc. However, I was in tears the moment she walked away. Friendship with an ex is tough while you're still in love. Speaking from someone who got dumped while in professional school too, focus on your studies as much as possible, exercise and remain NC. Just work on yourself and do well in school. Don't let this girl ruin your chances of getting into a good residency or failing out of med school by consuming your mind.

 

Yeah, honestly I've been slacking a bit with school due to this, wish it had happened over the summer tbh if it had to happen. Thanks for the advice, I hope you were able to get through your professional schooling, it sucks to have to focus when you're depressed.

 

You might be able to become friends later, after a substantial period of no contact but right now things are too fresh. My last gf and I are friends now, but neither of us reached out for six months and then as fortune would have it I ran into her in a town 500 miles away while on a dive trip. It really is a small world. We don't hang out together. It wouldn't be appropriate since we are both involved with others now, but we are friends. We make occasional contact relating to scuba diving which is a keen interest we both share. If we had tried to stay friends during the healing process it just would have made things worse for both of us.

 

Yeah, I mean if I'm being real with myself I think I wanted to try to be friends and hope it led to more, which I know is naive.

 

You will need to grow accustomed to not talking to her. I don't doubt that you care about her, but your desire for communication is, in some part, fueled by the natural thought process that she cannot forget about you/discount a relationship with you so long as you are in her world. This is understandable, but also a guaranteed way to keep you emotionally stuck.

 

The truth is, the reasons that broke you up are not easily resolved. You will likely get nothing but false hope waiting around for her to work out those issues.

 

You must break the habit of talking to her, which seems impossible now. But it's like breaking any other habit. You wanting to continue doesn't justify foregoing the harder path.

 

And this is why you need to let go. You are holding her to something that she cannot guarantee. We don't generally chose who we meet and when. Most people, even if they intend to be single, are not going to pass up a good potential match should one present itself.

 

By staying tethered to this idea that she will remain single just because she said she would be is, frankly, a naive mindset that will probably end in emotionally crushing fashion if and when she meets someone. You need to prepare yourself for that, because unless she's going to pack up and move to a convent, she will meet someone new eventually.

 

Yeah, I know its naive. I'm more so hoping because she said she needs to be single in order to figure out her issues, which I won't go into detail about because doesn't matter and not mine to share. But again, I know that she could still meet someone, I'm not completely delusional (yet lol). I have no way of knowing if she is because we disconnected on social media. I guess I should figure out how to deal, it's just hard and i wanna reconnect with her.

 

Well, you have your answer due to the distance and there is nothing at all you can do about it. You're young and have a bright future so focus everything you have on med school. If everything else in the relationship was good, then she won't forget about you anytime soon. Sure there's a chance in the future with her or even someone better. The fact is that you were okay with the distance but she ended up not being okay with it. She did the right thing for her and you have to accept that. She was not going to make you choose her or your school so there was nothing to talk about in her mind. There's a very good chance she may contact you a ways down the road, as long as you stick to solid NC. Any contact now will push her away and leave a lasting impression. Focus on yourself now and great things will happen. You can't even just be friends right now. It will eat you alive so please don't consider that until a ways down the road when you are not as emotional.

 

:/ I know you're probably right, I just wish it wasn't the truth. Thank you though! I needed to hear it.

 

I absolutely did the same thing as Dave, chased trying to get back with my ex for a good 5 months. Still meeting, still having ex sex, still trying to get back, and still texting.

 

In the beginning it was 50/50 on both parties, as time goes by it slowly became me doing most of the initiation. This is what will happen in many cases, the ex will still get the emotional support and at the same time move on while we cling on thinking there is hope.

 

I found LoveShake too late and made all the mistakes. Had I known, I would have gone NC right away and work on myself while leaving a better image of me (not that it's bad in any way now) in my ex's eyes.

 

If you really hope for a reconciliation, which I know in your state of mind now that's what you want, the only thing to do is to let go first and work on yourself. Really let go, and assume it is forever gone, that's probably the only chance you might have a shot in the future (probably months or years down the road). This is from a lot of wise people on here and I am trying to do the same myself.

 

It's hard, but it's the only way.

 

Thank you, this all just sucks haha, but we all know that.

 

I guess my biggest question then is how do I get rid of hope? I feel like that's what is holding me back. Any advice?

[Dandannydandan]

Definitely not okay with that yet. She told me she has no plans to date anyone anytime soon because she needs to be single and figure things out, but obviously things change, who knows life is weird.

 

I think I'm going to continue NC for now and maybe re-evaluate at a later point. But I really do miss her and want her in my life. Maybe I'm still looking at this with rose colored glasses though.

 

My Ex said the same to me "can we be friends" and I know I never can without wanting something more.

 

We all look through things with rose coloured glasses, as the dumpee it's instinctive to (Im the same), we just have to try and get through it.

[Gillys]

Yeah, honestly I've been slacking a bit with school due to this, wish it had happened over the summer tbh if it had to happen. Thanks for the advice, I hope you were able to get through your professional schooling, it sucks to have to focus when you're depressed.

 

Completely understand, I was the same way. I can remember driving home during my OB/GYN clinical rotation just to cry during my lunch hour because I was so depressed. Maybe talk to a therapist, it may help.

But definitely try to focus on school. I ended up failing my licensure board exam the first time and losing a job after graduation. (Recently passed but I had to live in shame for months. While all of my former classmates are working, buying cars, getting engaged, having babies... i'm currently interviewing for jobs and praying I land one before my student loans kick in)

 

Looking back I know all of this could have been prevented if I had just focused on school, exercised and took care of myself vs. being depressed and obsessing over keeping a friendship with my ex.

 

It's going to take time to let the feelings fade, perhaps months. Heck its been months since my RS ended, i think about her every day but I no longer have an urge to reach out. Whatever you do, try to put yourself and career first right now until the breakup daze wears off. I dont believe many people think clearly after a breakup. I'm sure many crappy lifetime movies could be made based on many relationship endings on this site haha. Just my .02

 

Take care and good luck with school!

[lostandconfused6]

Completely understand, I was the same way. I can remember driving home during my OB/GYN clinical rotation just to cry during my lunch hour because I was so depressed. Maybe talk to a therapist, it may help.

But definitely try to focus on school. I ended up failing my licensure board exam the first time and losing a job after graduation. (Recently passed but I had to live in shame for months. While all of my former classmates are working, buying cars, getting engaged, having babies... i'm currently interviewing for jobs and praying I land one before my student loans kick in)

 

Looking back I know all of this could have been prevented if I had just focused on school, exercised and took care of myself vs. being depressed and obsessing over keeping a friendship with my ex.

 

It's going to take time to let the feelings fade, perhaps months. Heck its been months since my RS ended, i think about her every day but I no longer have an urge to reach out. Whatever you do, try to put yourself and career first right now until the breakup daze wears off. I dont believe many people think clearly after a breakup. I'm sure many crappy lifetime movies could be made based on many relationship endings on this site haha. Just my .02

 

Take care and good luck with school!

 

Ugh damn, breakups are terrible. It's insane that one person can affect you so deeply. But yeah totally get that, I basically just get up, go to classes, do what I have to do, and as soon as I'm able to I'm back in bed crying. Although I don't cry every day anymore so that's a plus I guess haha. I'm actually talking to a therapist, it's nice to vent but doesn't take the pain away. I've been trying to do yoga an I'm gonna attempt to commit more to focusing on school.

 

It's been 2 months so I should be closer to moving on, but, can't control my feelings. Thanks for the advice and good luck to you too!

[Sweetfish]

Well we broke up mainly because of her issues and in the beginning i was putting all of the blame on her. But after a lot of self-reflection I've been able to shift away from the tunnel vision I had and see that I obviously did contribute to the break up. But in regard to self improvement, I first got a hold on my own mental health. I'm in med school and obviously things are stressful. I started to relapse with bulimia that I've been in recovery for for 3 years now. In the past 2 months I've fixed that by getting a therapist and nutritionist. So I'm back on track with that.

 

I also feel a lot more self confident. I was devastated by the break up and it took a big hit to my self esteem but working through it has enabled me to make some improvements- realize what I'm worth and what I deserve, what I want/need in a relationship, that not everything is my fault, etc.

 

Definitely more work to be done but I've come a long way in 2 months, if I was told at the start of this that my depression would have significantly improved by today, I wouldn't believe it.

 

I know this thread is about trying to reconcile with the love of your life at the moment; however, you need to reconcile with the real love of your life: Yourself. It is amazing how many people on this forum put sooo much effort into someone else and its not until they are separated from their S.O. do they grow.

 

The most important thing I want to convey is the bulimia. Please work on that to your fullest. The condition will destroy you slowly and I hope you can resolve this 100% before getting into any relationship. If you want to talk about it in PM let me know as I know someone who had bulimia and the results in the long run is very damaging and un-repairable. I am very glad to hear you are working on that and good luck on that endeavor.

 

The break-up will hurt and it may hurt months on end. It is your right to feel pain, cry, remember the good and the bad. Eventually, at one point though you are going to have to come to terms that the relationship is terminated forever and any reconcile will be a new and different relationship that may not be as fresh and new or great as the prior relationship with the same person.

 

The best plan of attack is to improve your self in every way possible (and for your own personal self worth) not for anyone else. Does not matter what happens in the future with or without your EX.. she is simply a stage in your life that will either continue with or with-out you on your journey of self improvement. She doesn't have to be there every waking point in your life of your universe for it to be amazing and possibly she was just a passing planet or shooting star in your path. You just have to appreciate that passing and move forward...because if she did not leave, your tunnel vision would have proceeded how long? How long would self reflection take? Be thankful for this hidden blessing and take it and exploit it as much as you can for it will take more than 2 months to see with absolute clarity.

[lostandconfused6]

I know this thread is about trying to reconcile with the love of your life at the moment; however, you need to reconcile with the real love of your life: Yourself. It is amazing how many people on this forum put sooo much effort into someone else and its not until they are separated from their S.O. do they grow.

 

The most important thing I want to convey is the bulimia. Please work on that to your fullest. The condition will destroy you slowly and I hope you can resolve this 100% before getting into any relationship. If you want to talk about it in PM let me know as I know someone who had bulimia and the results in the long run is very damaging and un-repairable. I am very glad to hear you are working on that and good luck on that endeavor.

 

The break-up will hurt and it may hurt months on end. It is your right to feel pain, cry, remember the good and the bad. Eventually, at one point though you are going to have to come to terms that the relationship is terminated forever and any reconcile will be a new and different relationship that may not be as fresh and new or great as the prior relationship with the same person.

 

The best plan of attack is to improve your self in every way possible (and for your own personal self worth) not for anyone else. Does not matter what happens in the future with or without your EX.. she is simply a stage in your life that will either continue with or with-out you on your journey of self improvement. She doesn't have to be there every waking point in your life of your universe for it to be amazing and possibly she was just a passing planet or shooting star in your path. You just have to appreciate that passing and move forward...because if she did not leave, your tunnel vision would have proceeded how long? How long would self reflection take? Be thankful for this hidden blessing and take it and exploit it as much as you can for it will take more than 2 months to see with absolute clarity.

 

I've only recently started to focus more on improving myself and my image of myself. It's definitely difficult but I'm hoping it will be a positive improvement.

 

Thank you for your kind words! Eating disorders of any sort are very hard to deal with, and so detrimental to your health. Luckily (or not so luckily? haha it's unclear), I've been dealing with it for the past 14-15 years now so I've got a pretty good idea on what I need to do in order to fix it, the hardest part is just implementing it. I've been through treatment many times now and have no desire to reach a point where I would need inpatient care again, so I'm very on top of my health. I'm working with my therapist on this a lot.

 

I think crying is actually really helpful, I'm kinda getting to the point where I'm cried out over the relationship, hopefully that lasts, kinda sick of crying lol...I really liked the point you made about it being a new relationship. That seems like a great way to think about it and realistically we would not be able to get back together at this moment in time and have a healthy relationship, it's just not possible under the given circumstances.

 

Trying not to be too hopeful, but maybe somewhere down the line when my heart is a little more mended I can reconnect with her.