lostandconfused6 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 Hi, so I've been reading these forums for a few weeks now and I never thought I'd post but I'm losing my mind tbh. I was completely blindsided by a break up 2 months ago and I can't seem to move on. We were long distance, but in my opinion it wasn't too bad- about two hours. We both live in California, so honestly it wasn't terrible. I'm in med school (so the distance would last a while) and she's working. We ended up breaking up because she couldn't do the distance and didn't feel like she could give the relationship everything it deserved, plus she needs to deal with some stuff within herself. I'm 24 and she's 25. I thought everything was fine though. She did nothing to indicate it would be ending. I know the distance might last a while because I'm in school but I figured either we could make it work and I'd eventually move closer or she'd find a way to move closer, we had discussed both of these things before. I don't know. We're trying no contact but I suck and keep messing it up, it's been a few weeks now though. I just want answers, but there's never anything new. It's taking everything in me not to text again tonight. I don't really even know what I'm asking. Is there still a chance if I wait it out? I feel like she made a mistake but maybe my judgement is clouded. How do I get past this? I feel insane.
Altair0770 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 You *must*continue no contact. Maybe she has feelings for you, but the physical aspect of a relationship is a must or else it's a fantasy. This is often why LDR simply do not work out. And if the physical aspect isn't something that can be visited frequently, eventually people just get bored with each other. I'd take the 6 months to finish med school and work on yourself. It's quite an achievement to finish med school. Maybe break the NC after you finish and she what she's up to. Reconnect. But for now you need to jump right into NC. Anything you do now will only push her away - everyone will say that. People have NO idea what they gave up until it's really gone and out of their control. As for preventing yourself from contacting her again - whenever you have that urge just remind yourself that NC is the best way and no matter what you say it will only push her further away.
la74219 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 No contact is the only way to heal my friend. Post on here..and no contact. I am going through something similar. It was lots of back and forth so I finally just told her do not contact me unless you want to work things out. That's all you can really do. Regardless if she ever reaches out..you need to heal and get your life back together. Do your best to not let it affect your education and your life. Best of luck in medical school. Keep posting if it makes you feel better!
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 You *must*continue no contact. Maybe she has feelings for you, but the physical aspect of a relationship is a must or else it's a fantasy. This is often why LDR simply do not work out. And if the physical aspect isn't something that can be visited frequently, eventually people just get bored with each other. I'd take the 6 months to finish med school and work on yourself. It's quite an achievement to finish med school. Maybe break the NC after you finish and she what she's up to. Reconnect. But for now you need to jump right into NC. Anything you do now will only push her away - everyone will say that. People have NO idea what they gave up until it's really gone and out of their control. As for preventing yourself from contacting her again - whenever you have that urge just remind yourself that NC is the best way and no matter what you say it will only push her further away. Yeah :/ Trying really hard to continue no contact so I can hold onto my last shred of dignity. I'm the one who has initiated all contact, mostly because I was stupid and felt like I needed answers while in highly emotionally-charged states. For the most part she has been very nice and I think she feels really guilty...or she says she does. But idk I was trying so hard to make LDR work. We got to see each other, just not as often as one would like. I actually won't be done with med school in 6 months unfortunately, lol I wish. Got 2 more years and then my residency, but I had hoped we could live together by the time I was doing my residency and had graduated. I am working on myself though, which is kind of nice. I just miss her so much but gonna do my best to just throw myself into my studies since finals will be coming up soon. It's soo hard to focus though, I wish I could shut my brain off from thinking about her. Feels kind of pathetic. You're right though, thank you. I don't want to push her away.
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 10, 2017 Author Posted March 10, 2017 No contact is the only way to heal my friend. Post on here..and no contact. I am going through something similar. It was lots of back and forth so I finally just told her do not contact me unless you want to work things out. That's all you can really do. Regardless if she ever reaches out..you need to heal and get your life back together. Do your best to not let it affect your education and your life. Best of luck in medical school. Keep posting if it makes you feel better! I'm sorry you're going through something similar, this is honestly the worst feeling ever. I've gone through break ups before, but this one is definitely the hardest. Definitely trying not to let this affect my education, that's been my biggest issue so far with the relationship ending. Hard to stay focused, but I'm getting better about it. Good luck to you too and I hope things start looking up!
la74219 Posted March 10, 2017 Posted March 10, 2017 I'm sorry you're going through something similar, this is honestly the worst feeling ever. I've gone through break ups before, but this one is definitely the hardest. Definitely trying not to let this affect my education, that's been my biggest issue so far with the relationship ending. Hard to stay focused, but I'm getting better about it. Good luck to you too and I hope things start looking up! Thank you. Try your best not to contact her. Is there a chance of getting back together? I have no idea...the world works in mysterious ways. I know it's difficult to let go of that hope, but you have to for yourself. I know all too well how difficult it is to grasp that concept, but you're well being is what's most important. What she does, how she feels, etc. should no longer be your concern. I know that's one of the more difficult things when your mind starts floating and wondering what she's doing, who she is with, etc. I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with that. For me, I listen to music and exercise. Be kind to yourself man..keep posting and get it all out.
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 14, 2017 Author Posted March 14, 2017 I've posted before but I'm struggling a lot today. It's been about 7 weeks since the break up and 2 1/2 weeks NC. We unfollowed each other on social media, I guess to try to make things easier. But I don't want it to be over and I know I sound like I'm in denial but it seems that all the reasons we broke up our circumstantial. I just don't know what to do though. I initiated all contact after the break up trying to get more answers. My friends think she's trying to respect me and give me time to move on by not contacting me but I don't want to move on and I want to talk so badly. I'm not going to contact her again because I need to hang on to my last shred of dignity, but I'm so scared that she's forgetting about me now that we don't follow each other on social media. I know logically if that's the case then this is for the best but we were so good together and if life/timing wasn't so ****ty I think we'd be together. I'm just having such a hard time, could use some advice. To me it feels like she made the wrong decision here. Of course I can't speak for someone else but idk gut feeling.
springy Posted March 14, 2017 Posted March 14, 2017 I'm not sure what advice you are looking for, since you do not want to move on, but NC is a good start to feeling better. How long were you together?
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 I'm not sure what advice you are looking for, since you do not want to move on, but NC is a good start to feeling better. How long were you together? idk I mean I want to move on but I don't because I still care about her so much. We were only together for a year but it was very intense and if we weren't long distance I think we would've made it, but I was in med school.
Arya1 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I empathize with you. I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm new to the site and happen to be the dumped I was with my fiance for 5 years then boom it's over. Packed his stuff within 2 weeks and gone. First 3 weeks were brutal wanting to do all those unhealthy things like call, text, etc. How I didn't do it was my support system. All said if I have the urge to do any of those things I was to call them instead and I did all day and night. My br date was feb. 4th our engagement anniversary. I don't know how guys are about crying, but let it out! I still do either daily or every other day.
Altair0770 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 Serious question - what was your third grade teachers name?
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 I empathize with you. I know exactly what you are feeling. I'm new to the site and happen to be the dumped I was with my fiance for 5 years then boom it's over. Packed his stuff within 2 weeks and gone. First 3 weeks were brutal wanting to do all those unhealthy things like call, text, etc. How I didn't do it was my support system. All said if I have the urge to do any of those things I was to call them instead and I did all day and night. My br date was feb. 4th our engagement anniversary. I don't know how guys are about crying, but let it out! I still do either daily or every other day. lol I'm actually a girl, trust me I've been crying A LOT
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 Serious question - what was your third grade teachers name? lol excuse me?
breadbin Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 If it's any consolation I think my ex made the wrong decision too dumping me but at the end of the day it doesn't change anything. It's still her decision. Something was amiss and she wanted something that I couldn't give her. You will be lucky if she sticks with the no contact. It is tough but short lived. I and a few others on here are still hurting months later because our exs keep contacting for whatever reasons. You've plenty work in med school to keep you distracted from her!
Altair0770 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 lol excuse me? You said you're worried about your ex forgetting you. Do you remember the name of your third grade teacher? If so, why are you worried about someone you dated just forgetting about you? It's a common fear, but is really illogical. I remember my first crush when I was like 8 years old. Do I dwell on her? Hell no. I remember the first time I got broken up with when I clearly wanted out of the relationship. The pain lasted like 5 minutes, because I felt guilty for ever starting it. But I remember it. You at one point had feelings for someone and they had feelings for you. That's not just something people forget about. 1
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 15, 2017 Author Posted March 15, 2017 You said you're worried about your ex forgetting you. Do you remember the name of your third grade teacher? If so, why are you worried about someone you dated just forgetting about you? It's a common fear, but is really illogical. I remember my first crush when I was like 8 years old. Do I dwell on her? Hell no. I remember the first time I got broken up with when I clearly wanted out of the relationship. The pain lasted like 5 minutes, because I felt guilty for ever starting it. But I remember it. You at one point had feelings for someone and they had feelings for you. That's not just something people forget about. lol sorry took it seriously for a minute. That makes sense. I mean maybe not forgetting about me, but moving on, realizing she doesn't need me. I shouldn't worry about these things but this was a very sudden, out of the blue break up which I think is what makes it so hard to cope with.
marky00 Posted March 15, 2017 Posted March 15, 2017 I was in a LDR for many years, so I know exactly how you feel. With LDR's there is always CIRCUMSTANCES.
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 Okay so I've posted before but I'm really struggling. Short story, my ex broke up with me 2 months ago. Last time we talked was 3 weeks ago because I initiated contact. Basically was told that she still cares but needs to figure out how to deal with her life right now. We're long distance. I'm in med school, she's about two hours away. I sort of understand her point of view and why she felt like she needed to end things since she was depressed, felt like she couldn't give everything the relationship deserved, long distance, etc. But I love and miss her so much and want to make things work. I don't want to reach out to her again, I've done all the reaching out post break up because she's trying to give me space I think. She told me last time we talked she didn't want to cut me out of her life but felt like emotions were still high right now. I don't know- do I have a chance? Even if not right now, maybe in a few months?
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I want to reach out to my ex and see if we can be friends. I was the dumpee. We've talked since the break up happened which was 2 months ago but we've been NC for a little over a month. TBH I'm definitely not completely over it, but I'm doing better and I miss my best friend. I know some people say that you should never reach out as the dumpee and the dumper should be the one to reach out. However, our breakup was circumstantial sort of. We both still care about each other a lot, but she can't be in a relationship due to her current life circumstances, plus long distance. I'm just conflicted, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Or if I should even be the one reaching out. Last time we talked we kind of cleared the air after I reached out while overly emotional and both explained our point of views which was good, but she didn't respond to my last text. I don't know if it's because I was possibly beating a dead horse or because she wants no contact. I'm very confused. But just to clarify, she did say she wants me in her life still eventually. I know this is prob confusing, I'm confused to. What should I do?
Dandannydandan Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Ask yourself this question: "If you are friends, are you going to be ok when she eventually starts dating someone else, they might get serious, get married, have kids. She'll tell you all about it, are you going to be ok with that?" 99% of the time the answer for all dumpee's is no. You've had the chance to talk about it and get everything off your chest to her. Now's the time to go NC. Edited March 27, 2017 by Dandannydandan
niji Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I don't know if it's because I was possibly beating a dead horse or because she wants no contact. I'm very confused. But just to clarify, she did say she wants me in her life still eventually. I know this is prob confusing, I'm confused to. What should I do? What does contacting her accomplish? I think you should answer this question in details, outlining several different scenarios. Then we can talk about what you can achieve by contacting, or not contacting her. As for saying she still wants you as part of your life, it may or may not happen. I told my ex (who I broke up with) that we could still be friend, but when I saw him after we broke up he was obviously still hoping we could get back together. Unless both parties no longer have feelings for each other, you cannot remain friends. You cannot be friends with someone when, if they have another SO, you wish you could replace that SO and be the most intimate person with them. That's not how friendship operates.
jamili Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 The 3rd grade teacher post was brilliant. The dumper wont forget you, minus a case of Alzheimer's. Go NC and stay NC. Dont go LC, dont respond to breadcrumbs (if any), and dont ever contact him. Only shot you have. 1
Sweetfish Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I want to reach out to my ex and see if we can be friends. I was the dumpee. We've talked since the break up happened which was 2 months ago but we've been NC for a little over a month. TBH I'm definitely not completely over it, but I'm doing better and I miss my best friend. I know some people say that you should never reach out as the dumpee and the dumper should be the one to reach out. However, our breakup was circumstantial sort of. We both still care about each other a lot, but she can't be in a relationship due to her current life circumstances, plus long distance. I'm just conflicted, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Or if I should even be the one reaching out. Last time we talked we kind of cleared the air after I reached out while overly emotional and both explained our point of views which was good, but she didn't respond to my last text. I don't know if it's because I was possibly beating a dead horse or because she wants no contact. I'm very confused. But just to clarify, she did say she wants me in her life still eventually. I know this is prob confusing, I'm confused to. What should I do? How have you improved your self in the last 2 months?
Bromeo Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I want to reach out to my ex and see if we can be friends. I was the dumpee. We've talked since the break up happened which was 2 months ago but we've been NC for a little over a month. TBH I'm definitely not completely over it, but I'm doing better and I miss my best friend. I know some people say that you should never reach out as the dumpee and the dumper should be the one to reach out. However, our breakup was circumstantial sort of. We both still care about each other a lot, but she can't be in a relationship due to her current life circumstances, plus long distance. I'm just conflicted, I don't know what the right thing to do is. Or if I should even be the one reaching out. Last time we talked we kind of cleared the air after I reached out while overly emotional and both explained our point of views which was good, but she didn't respond to my last text. I don't know if it's because I was possibly beating a dead horse or because she wants no contact. I'm very confused. But just to clarify, she did say she wants me in her life still eventually. I know this is prob confusing, I'm confused to. What should I do? Ok, I see all my other tovarisch weighing in here. Lemme hit you with some perspective. I chased my ex for 3-4 months. I let my emotions run wild, needed closure, gave gifts, proposed marriage, and did everything wrong a lovesick idiot can possibly do. Nothing, and I mean nothing made a even dent. Now, those that have read my thread know what a game player mine was, so it's not all my fault. Lol Do nothing, say nothing, reach out 0 times going forward. Nothing is accomplished, and you aren't ready emotionally to handle any response. When you are, it won't matter anyway. Food for thought, after I got beat up enough and finally went nc, she contacted me after a month. Hers was more games, yours might not be so inclined. Work on yourself. I think I've read almost everything on the interwebs about breakups now. Even those redpill weirdos. This is a time for you to focus on you. I've taken up new hobbies, long distance running, have developed a solid financial plan, won awards at work, and am moving. My ex is dating a guy who shovels snow for a living. God love karma. Lol Op, everything will be ok. Stay centered. Dave 3
Author lostandconfused6 Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 Ask yourself this question: "If you are friends, are you going to be ok when she eventually starts dating someone else, they might get serious, get married, have kids. She'll tell you all about it, are you going to be ok with that?" 99% of the time the answer for all dumpee's is no. You've had the chance to talk about it and get everything off your chest to her. Now's the time to go NC. Definitely not okay with that yet. She told me she has no plans to date anyone anytime soon because she needs to be single and figure things out, but obviously things change, who knows life is weird. I think I'm going to continue NC for now and maybe re-evaluate at a later point. But I really do miss her and want her in my life. Maybe I'm still looking at this with rose colored glasses though.
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