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Fail at NO CONTACT : What to tell myself when he keeps contacting me

candygirl985

By candygirl985
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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candygirl985 Member

candygirl985

Posted
Posted (edited)

Please don't think im dumb for staying in it for this long

 

I initially was dating a guy. He contacted me 4 months after his friend stopped talking to me out of no where wanting to get to know me. I was hesitant because it sounded sketchy. I had him ask his friend first. We talked for 3 months and i held back and kept my wall up until toward the end. He spent all of his time with me. He asked to come over all the time. He was completely smitten with me. He said I was the first girl he felt this way with since his ex and it scares him. He ended things with his ex 2 years earlier. he left for college to play football and I was told that she got pregnant with his friend a month later. I could feel the pain when he said that. That is was still there.

 

2 months after we starting dating I went to see my mom in Hawaii and he went home for the holiday. The whole time he was there he contacted me daily about how much he couldnt wait to see me. He even offered to pay for a flight back earlier (I declined) . I was while I was away that I realized I've fallen fall him. I came back and everything he did, the way he breathe, the way he held me as if he was scared of something when he slept, the way he just come over to just do nothing and say nothing with me and then we'd go to sleep together without feeling like it was awkward. I already fell in love with him. I never told him that I love him until things ended. He was the one who kept telling me how much he had feelings for me. I reciprocated his words even though I already knew I love him.

 

a week after I got back he started acting different. I'm not someone who texts much, if anything he's always complaining about how i take 20 minutes to reply. He started texting me once a week and stopped coming over. he would ask to come over and never show. I finally asked him what was up and he said he was honestly just hooked on to a video game. I gave him his space for a week to not be clingy and let him play his video game or whatever. this went on for 2 weeks and those 2 weeks i was running a thousand scenario in me head. He started ignoring texts as well. I finally asked him to come over to talk. I asked him what was going on. why is he acting different. has his feeling changed? and he didn't have a response. I cried , right there, and he just held me in his lap for 2 hours before I just told him he had to leave.

 

I told him since I love him and he doesnt want to be with me I needed space. I dont have answer to being friend or anything right now. All he said was he's sorry and that i should know how he feels about me. He said I was too hung up on what we were . I never asked him to be in a full on relationship I was willing to date him for a really long time until that time came but it was the fact that he had nothing to say and no explanation.

This getting over process with him was painful. I couldn't do anything for about 2 months except laying in bed. The whole time he messaged me on a off as if nothing changed despite me telling him to stop. I just ignored.

 

For the last 3 years since we stopped talking I have blocked and unblocked him..I have never initiated contact. For the first years the text were consistent I miss you every month. some time i responded but that was rare. For the last 3 years I can count on him to contact me at least once every 2 months. When I respond he would cut the convo short and stop replying. when i dont respond he would then start calling or face timing and it would repeat. Our actual relationship lasted 3 months. This on and off thing lasted 3 years. The 3 times that we have attempted to talk to each other again, he would talk to me as if nothing has happened. He likes to reminisce and recall things. He would initiate dates, make plan and then bail. then he would disappear and in exactly 2 months he would contact me again. Every time we talk he would say things that give me hope such as, "I want you to just be patience" . Be patient for what ? i never figured this out. For him to date other girls? fix himself? make it to his drem of playing in the NFL ? what ?

 

I know his number by heart because it hasnt been saved in year. I know that because i never stopped loving him, even after everything , I still have some hope that one day he figures himself out and come to me (it's stupid).I also question whether he is just boosting his ego but he had 3 years of opportunity to have sex but he we only did that twice and that was during the first year we stopped talking.

He finally graduated and left my state. I took this as the opportunity to renew myself. Said my farewell to him and took a vacation alone to japan. He contacted me right when I got back and talked to me for a month. I didn't really get the point since we dont live in the same state anymore. He said he has to come back to my state to handle some business one more time and want to see me. We talked for a month, he told me his flight and when he landed and asked to spend the night at my place. I message him the night before his flight, n response. I waited to hear from him when he landed in the morning. He never contacted me. Later that night I found out that he was here . I broke, all over again. For being so stupid. I messaged him and said, please dont contact me ever again.

 

Now it feels like the first time he broke my heart. I know im responsible for this . I know he's going to contact me again and I dont know what to do. I love him but this is not right. He wouldnt make a good husband or boyfriend or anyone in my future. But I love him. How do I stay away and not be tempted to feel something when I do hear from him in a month. I can gaurantee that I will hear from him but what do I do when that time come. I dont want to be like this anymore. It affects my school, my life. I cant eat or sleep and all i do is cry and replay what is wrong with me?

 

What does he contact me and keep leading me on? what does he gain from this? :(:(:( did he ever care about me at all or is this some sick game that i was dumb enough to fall victim to ? I'm failed every NC rule out there. I think that if I block him, one day he might really reach out to me for something important EX: car accident. I think this way because I dont have many people in my life and I might have no one one day, not to love, but just someone to talk to in your darkest days.

Edited by candygirl985
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candygirl985 Member

candygirl985

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Posted (edited)

He had no response when I asked him what he wanted and how he felt about me so i told him to stop contacting me . thats 4 Years ago

 

he contacts me after i tell him not to everytime . Every 2 months for the last 4 years

 

 

he's currently saved on my phone as " He doesnt love you".

People say we should move on ways that help us.

blocking hurts me more than anything so instead I want to go the ignoring route and personally deleting his text before opening when he does text me.

 

I need to practice my will power to no fall into his lies, false promises and not respond:confused:

 

OR do you think that even if it hurts more, blocking and burning bridges is the better solution

Edited by candygirl985
Telemachus Established Member

Telemachus

Posted
Posted

Tell yourself that he doesn't exist; that he isn't real. If you don't respond, eventually he'll stop initiating contact. What does it cost him to text you? Nothing and almost no time. They certainly aren't grand gestures.

 

Consequently, treating his texts to be nothing and from no one is spot-on.

 

You can't say that the instruction-not-to-contact-you clock is at 4 years. Every time you respond to him, even to tell him to stop, you're re-setting the clock to zero. Stop doing that.

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candygirl985 Member

candygirl985

Posted
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Posted (edited)
Tell yourself that he doesn't exist; that he isn't real. If you don't respond, eventually he'll stop initiating contact. What does it cost him to text you? Nothing and almost no time. They certainly aren't grand gestures.

 

Consequently, treating his texts to be nothing and from no one is spot-on.

 

You can't say that the instruction-not-to-contact-you clock is at 4 years. Every time you respond to him, even to tell him to stop, you're re-setting the clock to zero. Stop doing that.

 

thank you , this whole thing really does make me feel like an alcoholic. One sip and it's all back to square one. I should consider myself as someone who is really sick huh:sick:

 

whatever my fellow posters suggest i promise to follow. i dont want to be here in this same place anymore

Edited by candygirl985
JohnnyStreet Member

JohnnyStreet

Posted
Posted

Four years? really? As this is unhealthy for your well-being, I suggest you cut contact immediately and move on with your life. Next time he contacts you, I would suggest one last message to him such as the following:

 

"After some thought (four years worth), I'm ready to cut contact with you. I don't see it as either helpful nor detrimental to our health and growth to associate with one another. As for the past, that's blown away in the breeze as far as I'm concerned. I won't be going out of my way to reciprocate seeing as it's been quite some time since we parted. I do, however, see it a bit unhealthy to hold onto any hope since neither of us are unaware of what the future holds. Quite a lot still reminds me of you but I don't let it influence me and I just wish the best for you."

 

Change your number, e-mail and other means of communication ASAP! Be kind to yourself and heal. Good luck!

dumbass2 Established Member

dumbass2

Posted
Posted

Yes, you should block immediately because that bridge should have been burned a long time ago.

EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

Posted
Posted

It hurts to block them. I've just done it. To someone that I'm very much still in love with.

 

The pain at blocking them is more than pain at loss of someone after four years, its fear of being alone and not mattering to them any more. You're using him as a security blanket but at the same time stopping yourself from healing and finding something more fulfilling. You've already lost the relationship. Now you're existing on text messages.

 

I don't think that blocking someone is always the solution and I've had amiable splits where we maintain a boundaried friendship. And you've given so little detail of what the backstory is here that I don't think any of us can tell you the right thing to do.

 

But by blocking them you say more for what you will not tolerate than you ever could with words.

 

i chose to do it after my partner developed a drinking problem. First we seperated but remained in the same house. He kept ignoring my boundaries about not being here while drunk. So I asked him to leave. But we both kept hanging on to the connection. I was a security blanket and giving permission to his alcohol misuse by still allowing him contact.

 

And more importantly having contact with him never brought anything I needed, always upset me and stopped me focusing on the things I need for me to build a happier life.

 

I had a close enough relationship with him I felt most comfortable telling him kindly and firmly what my reasons were and that we could be in contact down the road after he had stopped drinking and had help.

 

For me the pain from blocking gets worse when I think about it stretching out and never seeing or speaking to him again. So I don't think about that. I just focus on this being the right thing to do for me right now.

 

I wrote his number on a piece of paper and taped it somewhere hard to get then deleted every trace of his contact details. It helps for the moment knowing I can contact him if I really need to.

 

And whatever your reasons for not being with him anymore, none of them can happen without a proper break first.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted

Yes block.

 

But to be honest if you're still feeling this way after 4 years I think you need to talk to a professional about it.

Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
He had no response when I asked him what he wanted and how he felt about me so i told him to stop contacting me . thats 4 Years ago

 

he contacts me after i tell him not to everytime . Every 2 months for the last 4 years

 

 

he's currently saved on my phone as " He doesnt love you".

People say we should move on ways that help us.

blocking hurts me more than anything so instead I want to go the ignoring route and personally deleting his text before opening when he does text me.

 

I need to practice my will power to no fall into his lies, false promises and not respond:confused:

 

OR do you think that even if it hurts more, blocking and burning bridges is the better solution

 

 

Why haven't you blocked him? Beyond that, you just need to get resolved and focused on YOU and your life now. Every 2 months for 4 years???? That's just plain ridiculous.

BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
thank you , this whole thing really does make me feel like an alcoholic. One sip and it's all back to square one. I should consider myself as someone who is really sick huh:sick:

 

whatever my fellow posters suggest i promise to follow. i dont want to be here in this same place anymore

 

Which is why you need to block him. After 4 years, you still haven't moved on. It's always the same reason that people can't move on after all these years. They keep the door open. He might not be a part of your physical space, but he's still very much a part of your mental space. You still very much have some type of relationship with him in your mind. That is what keeping the door open does.

Save

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candygirl985 Member

candygirl985

Posted
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Posted
It hurts to block them. I've just done it. To someone that I'm very much still in love with.

 

The pain at blocking them is more than pain at loss of someone after four years, its fear of being alone and not mattering to them any more. You're using him as a security blanket but at the same time stopping yourself from healing and finding something more fulfilling. You've already lost the relationship. Now you're existing on text messages.

 

I don't think that blocking someone is always the solution and I've had amiable splits where we maintain a boundaried friendship. And you've given so little detail of what the backstory is here that I don't think any of us can tell you the right thing to do.

 

But by blocking them you say more for what you will not tolerate than you ever could with words.

 

i chose to do it after my partner developed a drinking problem. First we seperated but remained in the same house. He kept ignoring my boundaries about not being here while drunk. So I asked him to leave. But we both kept hanging on to the connection. I was a security blanket and giving permission to his alcohol misuse by still allowing him contact.

 

And more importantly having contact with him never brought anything I needed, always upset me and stopped me focusing on the things I need for me to build a happier life.

 

I had a close enough relationship with him I felt most comfortable telling him kindly and firmly what my reasons were and that we could be in contact down the road after he had stopped drinking and had help.

 

For me the pain from blocking gets worse when I think about it stretching out and never seeing or speaking to him again. So I don't think about that. I just focus on this being the right thing to do for me right now.

 

I wrote his number on a piece of paper and taped it somewhere hard to get then deleted every trace of his contact details. It helps for the moment knowing I can contact him if I really need to.

 

And whatever your reasons for not being with him anymore, none of them can happen without a proper break first.

 

Thanks, I kept the detail out because in my experience, people don't like sob stories.

 

He's an odd guy. Close to his family even though it's somewhat broken (divorce parents), trust few people. Despite playing football, ask any guy on the university football team and they'll tell you he's an old soul, a nice guy and they don't really know much about him (he doesn't act like 98% of athletes). From listening to him talk I always got the vibe he saw his teammate/friend as nothing more than competition and he is friendly enough to gain their trust as his teammate and kill time while he's in college. It seems like he never let off much of himself but that's really just his personality.

 

If I had to guess he was probably in love the ex who broke his heart She got with his friend and got pregnant the month after he left for college. She probably found if boring. I think most girl would find guys who don't express much boring after a while and seek out excitement. I think she was ready to end it for a long time but thought he was too nice. When he met me it was about 2 years after they ended.

 

I'm not making excuses for him and how he behaves but I really do think that these things affect who he is. He keeps everything inside even when it destroys him because he doesn't trust anyone. I was surprise he trusted me enough to share the story with his ex to express how he's scared because i'm the first girl he felt this way with since his ex.

 

Long story short, he fell for me long before i fell for him. I eventually fell for him. He started acting different (ignoring, disappearing, breaking plan, acting indifferent). I asked him the real reason why he was acting different and how he felt about me and if his feeling changed. He sat and held me in his lap as I cried and made a decision that it hurts too much to stay in the relationship. I told him to let me go . I told him if he care about me, don't contact me.

The first year was push and pull , he didnt give me no contact like i asked and the feeling was strong so we stayed back and forth and saw each other a few times. The last 3 years was where we weren't seeing each other or having any intimacy at all, just the random texts he send me. Yet he continue to text me every couple months . The few time that i bothered to allow conversation he pretend as if nothing ever happened. And when we ever did talk about the past he would say he's working on it and that he just needs me to be patience. After a why I didn't engage in convo anymore because it never had much depth so I started ignoring completely. It seems like he text me , his feeling gets hurt that I ignored. He disappear to build himself up again and then text me again. The cycle repeat.

 

 

He's still in the process of trying to make it in the NFL and is waiting for the draft next month, it is definitely me holding on, but sometimes I wonder if he is maybe trying to get himself to where he feel successful first ?

 

@EmilyJane but that's pretty much the story

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candygirl985 Member

candygirl985

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Which is why you need to block him. After 4 years, you still haven't moved on. It's always the same reason that people can't move on after all these years. They keep the door open. He might not be a part of your physical space, but he's still very much a part of your mental space. You still very much have some type of relationship with him in your mind. That is what keeping the door open does.

Save

 

You're right, He is very much part of me, though not physical, i allow him to be a part of me. I hate myself that I don't love myself more. I want him to remain a part of me .

What got me to where I want to change is I'm goal oriented . I can't focus on my future when I'm stuck on this. I want to be successful , have a career and i can't do that when i can't get myself to function at 100%. Which is why I'm here now, trying to get support. I have no doubt that I still love him. I love my mom more than I love him though. She want to see me succeed because she know how much I have to offer so I'm using that as my drive to get through this. The whole loving myself, I've learning. Ive just been putting the people I love before me my whole life. I really would sacrifice my life for the people I love. Loving them make me, me. That's naive for the world we live it but pretending I don't love someone, albeit toxic when I do ... it's really conflicting with who I am.

 

When I was little people would tell me to stop being nice because id get taken advantage of . They told me to fight back when other girls said mean things. I hated it because it wasn't me . I was mad but i couldnt do it . It feels the same way with this love. I know it hurts me but I can't hurt people that I love.....

It's a lot that I have to work on. I am learning though. I'm just trying to find a balance where i can love myself and stay true to me . it's a long process:confused:

Whodatdog Established Member

Whodatdog

Posted
Posted

This is not love or friendship, this is an addiction on your part. As with drug addicts, you may not be able to beat this on your own. How long do you plan on this guy ruining your life. He's already had 4 years of your life, how many more will you give him?

 

I would say totally block him right now, right this minute, if you can. Im pretty sure you can't, but you need to. This is really unhealthy.

EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

Posted
Posted
Thanks, I kept the detail out because in my experience, people don't like sob stories.

 

He's an odd guy. Close to his family even though it's somewhat broken (divorce parents), trust few people. Despite playing football, ask any guy on the university football team and they'll tell you he's an old soul, a nice guy and they don't really know much about him (he doesn't act like 98% of athletes). From listening to him talk I always got the vibe he saw his teammate/friend as nothing more than competition and he is friendly enough to gain their trust as his teammate and kill time while he's in college. It seems like he never let off much of himself but that's really just his personality.

 

If I had to guess he was probably in love the ex who broke his heart She got with his friend and got pregnant the month after he left for college. She probably found if boring. I think most girl would find guys who don't express much boring after a while and seek out excitement. I think she was ready to end it for a long time but thought he was too nice. When he met me it was about 2 years after they ended.

 

I'm not making excuses for him and how he behaves but I really do think that these things affect who he is. He keeps everything inside even when it destroys him because he doesn't trust anyone. I was surprise he trusted me enough to share the story with his ex to express how he's scared because i'm the first girl he felt this way with since his ex.

 

Long story short, he fell for me long before i fell for him. I eventually fell for him. He started acting different (ignoring, disappearing, breaking plan, acting indifferent). I asked him the real reason why he was acting different and how he felt about me and if his feeling changed. He sat and held me in his lap as I cried and made a decision that it hurts too much to stay in the relationship. I told him to let me go . I told him if he care about me, don't contact me.

The first year was push and pull , he didnt give me no contact like i asked and the feeling was strong so we stayed back and forth and saw each other a few times. The last 3 years was where we weren't seeing each other or having any intimacy at all, just the random texts he send me. Yet he continue to text me every couple months . The few time that i bothered to allow conversation he pretend as if nothing ever happened. And when we ever did talk about the past he would say he's working on it and that he just needs me to be patience. After a why I didn't engage in convo anymore because it never had much depth so I started ignoring completely. It seems like he text me , his feeling gets hurt that I ignored. He disappear to build himself up again and then text me again. The cycle repeat.

 

 

He's still in the process of trying to make it in the NFL and is waiting for the draft next month, it is definitely me holding on, but sometimes I wonder if he is maybe trying to get himself to where he feel successful first ?

 

@EmilyJane but that's pretty much the story

 

Let it go.

 

There are hints there at someone who cannot tolerate being close to people. Who finds life less painful alone and is suspicious of others.

 

That isn't someone who magically turns around and can give you a fulfilling relationship.

 

It's time to let it go honey. You've kept the door open for too long and you are stuck. It's one of the saddest things I've learnt as an adult. That the world is full of people who crave love and intimacy but are incapable of reciprocating and sustaining it.

 

Follow the nc guide now. Build more into your life.

 

There will be more love in your life.

Just it can't happen while you are hanging on to someone that can't love you back

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candygirl985 Member

candygirl985

Posted
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Posted
Let it go.

 

There are hints there at someone who cannot tolerate being close to people. Who finds life less painful alone and is suspicious of others.

 

That isn't someone who magically turns around and can give you a fulfilling relationship.

 

It's time to let it go honey. You've kept the door open for too long and you are stuck. It's one of the saddest things I've learnt as an adult. That the world is full of people who crave love and intimacy but are incapable of reciprocating and sustaining it.

 

Follow the nc guide now. Build more into your life.

 

There will be more love in your life.

Just it can't happen while you are hanging on to someone that can't love you back

 

thank you Emily , yesterday ... I considered unblocking... thankfully I didn't . Having read your message also gave me a little more strength. I few like a kid that need someone to remind me every few days why I came to this decision. I really am and addict. If only they had sponsors for someone like me . I think that's the jobs of friends . But mine are all living their own lives .

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BC1980 Established Member

BC1980

Posted
Posted
When I was little people would tell me to stop being nice because id get taken advantage of . They told me to fight back when other girls said mean things. I hated it because it wasn't me . I was mad but i couldnt do it . It feels the same way with this love. I know it hurts me but I can't hurt people that I love.....

It's a lot that I have to work on. I am learning though. I'm just trying to find a balance where i can love myself and stay true to me . it's a long process:confused:

 

Are you saying that it will hurt him if you cut contact? Because then you are saying that you are willing to hurt yourself for the sake of him. I don't think it will hurt him that much. if you never speak to him again. I think he will forget you and move on. If he broke up with you and only reaches out every 2 months, he obviously doesn't think about you very often or consider you a necessary part of his life. He's perfectly willing to be without you. So it seems silly to continue to hurt yourself for the sake of an ex who only wants you in his life occasionally and at arm's length.

 

I do think you have to find a balance because you can't always put yourself first. There are times when you need to put someone else's needs first, but this situation is not that time. An ex is not the person you do to for comfort if that is what he is doing.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

How is it no contact if you haven't blocked him from contacting you? C'mon, take responsibility. You can stop this if you wanted to.

EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

Posted
Posted
thank you Emily , yesterday ... I considered unblocking... thankfully I didn't . Having read your message also gave me a little more strength. I few like a kid that need someone to remind me every few days why I came to this decision. I really am and addict. If only they had sponsors for someone like me . I think that's the jobs of friends . But mine are all living their own lives .

 

You are strong honey. And courageous.

 

You can do this.

 

Focus on each moment. Do one thing every day that gets you closer to the things you need for your future.

 

And it is addiction. Just one hardwired into humans. It is not your fault.

 

You just post here every time you want to contact him. And wait for someone to reply before you do anything. There's an awful lot of us on here struggling with the same thing. If you like one of my posts it pings my phone and I get straight to thst thread. So you can do that if you specifically want me to reply ok?

 

Xx

Steffi Member

Steffi

Posted
Posted

Your friends have their own lives just as you have your own life. Reach out to them, that is what friends are for. Try and replace him with something more worth while.

 

EmilyJane My situation is similar to yours. My ex partner couldn't put me before the drink. Cutting contact is hard but for the best.

 

I believe it is the best for both when a relationship is not healthy.

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EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

Posted
Posted
Your friends have their own lives just as you have your own life. Reach out to them, that is what friends are for. Try and replace him with something more worth while.

 

EmilyJane My situation is similar to yours. My ex partner couldn't put me before the drink. Cutting contact is hard but for the best.

 

I believe it is the best for both when a relationship is not healthy.

 

It's the worst thing I've ever experienced. He didn't even drink when we met. It was like watching someone die of cancer. He just wasn't there anymore.

 

Figured that cutting my losses was the only way.

 

Plus the strongest way I could tell him what he was doing to himself and me was absolutely not ok.

 

The blocking him - that bit was just for me. Now I can do silly things and think about the good times but he can't throw my life and emotions into turmoil anymore.

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