Maxi.Cee Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Hi all! I guess I'm here because I need help! A little background. I'm 31 and married (separated) to a woman that I've been with for 10 years. A little over a year ago we had a beautiful boy. Prior to that we were really struggling in our relationship and the result was that a few months after he was born we separated. She remains to this day my best friend and we have cohabited since. She's the most amazing woman and I don't want her to have to work so I take care of everything financially for her and baby. She wanted (and still does) to get back together and we were working on things. A few months on (like 3 or 4 months after separating) I went to another city for a boys weekend. Long story short, I met someone. As soon as I met her I knew that she was special so I completely cut it back to friendship with my wife. It was hard because I knew how much she wanted us to be together and I know that it hurt her but sometimes you feel the spark with someone and I knew that it would turn into more with the new woman so it was the right thing to do. I chatted with this new woman for a few months and eventually it turned into a full on relationship that lasted 6 months or so. We ended it very recently for a number of reasons... ultimately the 1000+ mile distance got to us. Also she is very young (20 years old) and I always had in the back of my mind that she needed to experience life before getting into something so serious with someone my age. My biggest fear was hurting my wife by telling her I've moved on for someone so young that in a year or two may realise that she still has a lot of living to do and that she needs to be single. She was also scared by my situation - living with the mother of my child and she was worried that one day I'd leave her for my family. There was so much more that I don't want to bore you all with. It was just a really messy situation. We ended it yesterday. I realised all the negatives of the situation and I wanted to do the right thing by her. It was very mutual. I've honestly never felt anything like this for anyone ever and she is the same. It's like it was the perfect relationship at the worst time possible. We still want to be friends but who knows if thats the right thing. I feel like no contact would be better? I guess what I'm looking for is for validation that I've made the right decision? I've seriously never felt so much that this is the right person for me. I'm madly and deeply in love with her but I also feel that she needs to live a little first. Who knows maybe in a few years? Doesn't really help with the pain right now though! Much love and thanks for reading
Jagged100 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 That's a hard situation you've got yourself in, firstly you need to sort out the living situation with your wife. File for a divorce and allow her to move on with her life without hoping to salvage your marriage. Be honest with her, you owe her that much. As for your girlfriend only she can decide if you're what she wants, if you both really want to be together it's worth a shot. The timing may never be perfect, and you'll have given up on a chance to be happy
candygirl985 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 she has a little living to do and experience to gain without a relationship. you have some unfinished business to handle. If your feeling for her doesn't change in a year or two there's no reason why you cant try it then . A year or two seem long to wait .It's quick but yet it is long enough to test people and allow them to find out what they want in my opinion
DontBreakEven Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I don't know. I don't get it exactly. Someone that I have a very strong connection with recently went NC with me due to our messy situation as well. But. I don't get it. If you have such a strong connection with someone, I don't see why people let it go. Just my two cents
Author Maxi.Cee Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 Thanks so much for all of your responses! @DontBreakEven Honestly I think that sometimes the situation gets the better of you... she's just so young and that scares the life out of me and my situation scares the life out of her! I think that I could move past it but as much as I adore her I think that it's best for her if I sort my life out and give her the chance to live a little. I started with my wife at basically the same age as she is now and TBH as much as it pains me to say I do regret it as in some ways I didn't get to experience life without being in a relationship.
DontBreakEven Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Thanks so much for all of your responses! @DontBreakEven Honestly I think that sometimes the situation gets the better of you... she's just so young and that scares the life out of me and my situation scares the life out of her! I think that I could move past it but as much as I adore her I think that it's best for her if I sort my life out and give her the chance to live a little. I started with my wife at basically the same age as she is now and TBH as much as it pains me to say I do regret it as in some ways I didn't get to experience life without being in a relationship. Well then, to me it sounds like you've answered your own question in that you did the right thing?
Author Maxi.Cee Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 So a little update on my situation... after a few days of NC I decided to text my now ex girlfriend to see how she is doing? She replied straight away that she is depressed and sad but feeling a tiny bit better every day. I told her that I felt the same and to try not to be sad because this was such a perfect relationship, that ended for the right reasons and that if the time is ever right I'd let her know and that there is nothing that would stop us being together. She agreed that we are perfect for each other but the time is so bad! ' It hurt like hell but I can see that she needs to go NC for a little while so I said that's what I'm going to do! I wished her the best out of life and told her that I'm always here if she ever needs anything! She was so good about it, told me that she always wants me to know that she thinks the universe of me. So long story short this is the first time in my life that a relationship has ended in the nicest way possible. I guess I feel relief and I really want to try to rebuild my relationship with my wife - even if it's just for my baby boy! This isn't to say that I don't want her in my life as a friend in the future. I value her so much as a friend! Has anyone had any experience with becoming friends with someone that you've had such an intimate, physical and close relationship with? I've never wanted to be friends with any of my exes but this one is different... not straight away, but maybe in a few months we could start again as friends? Or should I let it go and move on completely never having her in my life? Would love to hear all of your thoughts?!
DontBreakEven Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I still don't understand it. You are madly and deeply in love with this woman and yet going to stick it out with your wife for now and then hopefully in a couple years when this woman lives a little you'll reconnect? How is that fair to your wife, getting a half-a**ed love from you? Doesn't she deserve to find someone who is madly and deeply in love with her too? Does your wife know that you are posting on a forum all twisted about this woman? So odd .. 1
Maldives Posted March 30, 2017 Posted March 30, 2017 I don't know. I don't get it exactly. Someone that I have a very strong connection with recently went NC with me due to our messy situation as well. But. I don't get it. If you have such a strong connection with someone, I don't see why people let it go. Just my two cents I get why they let it go and it's wat i shld have done. In my case she had kids and I knew that's not wat i wanted and it would be hard 6 yrs of trying because of the deep connection no doubt we had a deep connection and we broke up we just couldn't make it work and now I have t ok work wth her and am in a akward spot that's why this should happen in messy situations to save his the worse heartache later down the track. Unfortunately it's a mystery to me why usually these strong connections are always so mismatched wth really bad timing go figure
Author Maxi.Cee Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 I still don't understand it. You are madly and deeply in love with this woman and yet going to stick it out with your wife for now and then hopefully in a couple years when this woman lives a little you'll reconnect? How is that fair to your wife, getting a half-a**ed love from you? Doesn't she deserve to find someone who is madly and deeply in love with her too? Does your wife know that you are posting on a forum all twisted about this woman? So odd .. I really appreciate your questioning... it's 100% valid! Who knows what's right and wrong in this situation. The only thing I'm certain of is that at this point it can't work with the girlfriend. All that I can say is that for the sake of my boy and even my wife it's worth a try isn't it? Of course I need to get to a point where the girlfriend is not on my mind 24/7 so right now isn't the time to jump back in with the wife but in time, I hope NC will help get her off my mind so much and then I can fully give myself to trying with my wife! Also, of course my wife doesn't know... we aren't together (separated) so I can't see why it's so odd? All I know is that she wants to try... I love my boy so much that I think its worth a try!! Time will tell!
breadbin Posted March 31, 2017 Posted March 31, 2017 Sounds like you're having your cake and eating it. You have to be honest in a relationship - well thats what i've been told but to be fair it hasn't worked for me too well. The right thing to do is tell your wife about the girlfriend. But maybe the best thing is that maybe your wife would prefer not to know. It's up to you as a person. Are you comfortable putting your wife and son through this when it's not what you want? Previous poster is right, your wife deserves someone to love her for who she is. Not just seconds. She will know that your mind is elsewhere, your son will know too. They might even hate you for it.
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