druk-kosz Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 First timer here, Need some advice please. I have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months now, we both love each other, but last week we got into a big argument about her opposite sex friends. Let me also add that I am 36 and she is 35. Last Thursday I called my gf at 7pm, she didn’t answer called her again after 9pm. She hang up on me (accidentally she said) and then shortly after called me back. She said that she was hanging out with her friend John and played games at her house. Alone, just two of them! I told her that that’s very weird that she is hanging out with a strange to me man (I met him once at a concert for like 10 minutes) in her house without even mentioning it to me, and when I asked why she didn’t answer she said she didn’t hear it ring. Now she is very upset with me because she thinks I made a huge deal about it and doesn’t want to talk to me and I should trust her. Let me also mention that that wasn’t the first time thing like that happened. Day after Halloween we were chilling at home and I was ready to leave, said good bye and give her a kiss when all the sudden a guy knocks on her door (unannounced). She opened the door wearing only shorts and a t-shirt and introduce him to me and started unloading the dishwasher. She has big boobs, DD I don’t think I have to explain what happens when you bend over to pick up the dishes. I got so upset that I left and at the end I asked her to put some clothes on. Till today she still thinks its wasn’t a big deal and I she wasn’t half naked even though she didn’t were a bra or underwear. I probably should have stayed and see what is going on but I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do at that moment and because I was on my way out I just left. I never said that she cannot see her friends, but telling me that after the fact and hosting them at her home is unacceptable to me. Now she is taking her time because “she is not ready to talk yet and needs to get things straightened in her head first” I love her very much and I truly believe that she loves me too, but she doesn’t understand that situations like that are very inappropriate and truly hurtful. I am heartbroken....
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) A few thoughts here. 1. Look, being faithful in a relationship isn't just about "not doing anything inappropriate", it is also about avoiding doing things that even LOOK inappropriate. Your girlfriend needs to get this, even if "nothing" is happening with any of these guys. 2. At the very least, your girlfriend is playing dumb when it comes to these guys' interest in her. She enjoys the attention but doesn't want to admit it. It is also quite possible that something may be happening between her and one of these guys. That she is upset with you makes that she is cheating on you EVEN MORE of a likelihood. 3. After 9 months, I am surprised that the two of you didn't have a talk on boundaries yet. Or if you had, that she isn't on the same page as you. Women actually respect a man who sets the parameters and limits (without going overboard and being controlling). That she doesn't get that her behaviour is inappropriate means it is time to end the relationship. Ironically, you ending it might be what gets her to see her behaviour in a different light (see 3. above) Edited March 27, 2017 by Imajerk17 4
hippychick3 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 First timer here, Need some advice please. I have been dating my girlfriend for 9 months now, we both love each other, but last week we got into a big argument about her opposite sex friends. Let me also add that I am 36 and she is 35. Last Thursday I called my gf at 7pm, she didn’t answer called her again after 9pm. She hang up on me (accidentally she said) and then shortly after called me back. She said that she was hanging out with her friend John and played games at her house. Alone, just two of them! I told her that that’s very weird that she is hanging out with a strange to me man (I met him once at a concert for like 10 minutes) in her house without even mentioning it to me, and when I asked why she didn’t answer she said she didn’t hear it ring. Now she is very upset with me because she thinks I made a huge deal about it and doesn’t want to talk to me and I should trust her. Let me also mention that that wasn’t the first time thing like that happened. Day after Halloween we were chilling at home and I was ready to leave, said good bye and give her a kiss when all the sudden a guy knocks on her door (unannounced). She opened the door wearing only shorts and a t-shirt and introduce him to me and started unloading the dishwasher. She has big boobs, DD I don’t think I have to explain what happens when you bend over to pick up the dishes. I got so upset that I left and at the end I asked her to put some clothes on. Till today she still thinks its wasn’t a big deal and I she wasn’t half naked even though she didn’t were a bra or underwear. I probably should have stayed and see what is going on but I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do at that moment and because I was on my way out I just left. I never said that she cannot see her friends, but telling me that after the fact and hosting them at her home is unacceptable to me. Now she is taking her time because “she is not ready to talk yet and needs to get things straightened in her head first” I love her very much and I truly believe that she loves me too, but she doesn’t understand that situations like that are very inappropriate and truly hurtful. I am heartbroken.... This is called gaslighting, and she's looking for excuses to breakup/explore other options. There was nothing appropriate about a woman in an exclusive relationship having a man at her house "playing games" alone. 3
Imajerk17 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Actually I have to strengthen what I said earlier. I was too subtle before. She is outright cheating on you. Getting upset w you on calling out inappropriate boundaries? Saying she needs space because of you (quite appropriately) calling her out? Sorry no ifs ands or buts. We see threads like this a lot and that is always what was really happening after all. I agree w hippychick Edited March 27, 2017 by Imajerk17 1
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 What she is doing is not appropriate AND she knows this. I agree with the others....this is grounds for a breakup. IMO you have ever right to call her out on it. Her response is telling. If she really loved you she wouldn't be asking for space to get her head straight.... 1
Author druk-kosz Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I might be naive but I believe that she is not cheating. We do everything together, go to all the parties, she actually got upset because I didn't want to go to her best friend uncle birthday party, we spend every weekend together, her house is full of our pictures etc. She involves me with pretty much everything she does. Could it be that she is just very immature in that subject? I love her and I truly believe she loves me.
darkmoon Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) maybe she is very naive, and 100% prizes friendships, the T-shirt was a bad idea, maybe he is innocent, unless you talk to him, meh he may not fancy her as you do I have big boobs (Gs) never knew they show much when bending, only now I do reading this thread Edited March 27, 2017 by darkmoon 1
preraph Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 This is a talk that her dad ought to have had with her if they have any kind of communication and she respects him. Coming from you, she'll say it's just jealousy. Any way you go here is going to make her mad. But if she has good parents she can talk to OR an older brother she doesn't loathe, I would ask one of them to clue her in about how most guys hanging around to be her friend also have some attraction for her and that going braless and slinging her double Ds around is too much for most men and that some immature men even see that as in invitation or flirting. If there is no one better to do it than you, then I guess it will have to be you. Try to find some article or something about how visual men are and how easily turned on. You know I was in my late 20s before I really got a clue about that and very experienced by then in most ways. A guy I worked with commented on a camisole I wore on my day off coming in to work for a minute between being at the pool and he was a friend and he told me "You girls just have no idea what it does to guys." I mean, it was a revelation to me. I didn't even have big boobs so it hadn't been apparent to me like it would with a big busted girl. She ought to know better but she probably thinks of this guy like her little brother, but you know he probably has noticed and is just being neutral probably to keep hanging around getting a load of her boobs and hoping something will happen. Don't do this when you're mad. Get someone else on your side about it that has no other motive.
Author druk-kosz Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 Thank you preraph. I actually called and spoke with her mom. Will meet them after work to discuss everything. They are an amazing people so hopefully they can help.
moebius Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Thank you preraph. I actually called and spoke with her mom. Will meet them after work to discuss everything. They are an amazing people so hopefully they can help. Are you going to talk to a 35 years old woman's mom? That's weird. Your gut says she isn't cheating on you. And probably she isn't. But that's no the point. She shouldn't be doing this to you. She's making you suffer. If I were you I'd tell her: "What you are doing with these guys is extremely hurtful for me, and you know it. Yet you keep doing it. And you get mad at me if I complain about it. Probably I feel like this because I'm too insecure. But I'm breaking up with you not because I think you're cheating. But because you don't care about how I feel." The reason I would say this is you don't know if she's cheating on you. But you do know she keeps doing it and she even punishes you for complaining. 3
phineas Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 screw that noise. She has most likely had sex with them in the past and let's be honest here, why would a guy be hanging out at a woman's house alone at night if he wasn't getting something out of it. I know i wouldn't. got better things to do. Go NC. let her "think" forever about this. Sounds like a manipulation tactic to me so she can keep having her cake and eating it too. sorry dude but sounds like you GF'd a low quality woman. Get checked for STD's. 1
BluesPower Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Do not waste your time... She either wants to break up or she just wants to sleep with all these guys. She is/has/will cheat. You should have not put up with this as long as you have. No woman is that naïve. Dump her, ghost her...
dumbass2 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 She's turned it on you when you should be the one upset and taking some time to figure out what YOU want to do. I had an ex do this to me and after the argument I was like "wtf just happened?". You need to be in control of this, not her.
kendahke Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Thank you preraph. I actually called and spoke with her mom. Will meet them after work to discuss everything. They are an amazing people so hopefully they can help. OMG.. you told on her? Narc'd her out to her parents? What kind of adult even does that? When she finds out, because their first loyalty is to her and not you, your relationship will be over. Heck, it's over now. When she did the bit about entertaining a friend scantily dressed, that was when you needed to end this relationship. Now you've crossed over into desperate land and that's never a good look to a woman. This is done. Stick a fork in it. Edited March 28, 2017 by kendahke 1
phineas Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 OMG.. you told on her? Narc'd her out to her parents? What kind of adult even does that? When she finds out, because their first loyalty is to her and not you, your relationship will be over. Heck, it's over now. When she did the bit about entertaining a friend scantily dressed, that was when you needed to end this relationship. Now you've crossed over into desperate land and that's never a good look to a woman. This is done. Stick a fork in it. ew. 35yrs old and doesn't know how to drop a disrespectful women? 1
bubbaganoosh Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Sounds like she ant you to play by her rules and in case you don't know it, you are. Now you have to wait around until she's ready to talk to you even though she's the one acting inappropriately. If it's me, when she calls, I let her know that you ain't a happy camper and let her know exactly how you feel about it. If she gets pissed off and wont cool it then you know where you stand, the the choice is yours to either stick around and continue putting up with it or move on. Basically it's called lack of respect for you. Your choice.
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