bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. We moved out together last year and this year we are looking to buy a house. Everything has been great for the most part. We don't really fight and get along very well and we are both building a future together. Unfortunately though, I do have insecurity issues. He has never given me a reason to doubt him for him cheating on me or lying. However, I am insecure with my looks and just overall. He is very intelligent and I don't feel as smart as him or as pretty as the girls he has dated. I do see some of the pics he likes on IG from other women and it messes with my head. (I know, it's just social media, who cares right?) Another thing is I found out (before we dated) he hooked up with a female coworker of his who he still has on social media (she moved away and is engaged) however, it kinda bothers me - why keep her there? He says they don't speak - if they do (rarely) it's about business. ANYWAY - the reason for this post is because I did something stupid. I went on to his phone and deleted that girl and blocked her from snapchat. I felt great after but the next day (today) I woke up feeling like an a-hole. Like a crazy b*tch. Mind you, I have never searched through his phone. He's a good guy once again and has never given me doubt of him cheating or anything. I think what drove me to do this was me asking myself WHY does he need her there? I feel like a jerk - should I confess and tell him what I did? I feel like I disrespected him and he won't trust me anymore.
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Yes you should, BUT before you tell him you need to let him know about your insecurity issues at length. Tell him what you did, how you feel remorseful you feel and admit you have a problem. The easiest thing you should have done in the first place is just came right out and tell him you feel having this girl still on his IG isn't appropriate when you two are moving forward with your relationship. A simple discussion would have fixed this. If you want a future with him, you have to learn to "communicate" any time you feel uncomfortable about something....you should never struggle with your insecurities alone because you start to make poor choices, loose control, and can cause damage to your relationship. 5
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I don't know what the way out is here. I've felt insecure my whole life. How do I begin to fix this?
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I don't know what the way out is here. I've felt insecure my whole life. How do I begin to fix this? You go see a therapist. You might have an anxiety disorder. 4
KBarletta Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Should I confess and tell him what I did? I feel like I disrespected him and he won't trust me anymore. He will eventually find out, so yes, I think you should tell him first unless of course this is something you can quickly un-do before any harm is done. Either way, though, you need to have a conversation with him and discuss your insecurities. If he is a good guy who has never given you a reason not to trust him, then I think you have to allow him the space to have friends of the opposite sex without getting jealous. Personally, I have many friends of the opposite sex, even one who is an ex girlfriend, but I would never and have never cheated on my GF. I think the two of you need to discuss this and you clearly need to work on being able to trust your partner. If he's never given you a reason not to trust him, he deserves the benefit of the doubt, not somebody secretly sabotaging his social media accounts because of their own insecurities. Good luck. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I'm scared that this will now ruin things between us and he will no longer see me the same, trust me or continue this relationship with me. I feel like a psycho.
CptInsano Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Either way, though, you need to have a conversation with him and discuss your insecurities. If he is a good guy who has never given you a reason not to trust him, then I think you have to allow him the space to have friends of the opposite sex without getting jealous. I mean, what choice would she have anyhow? It's nothing that she can control. He will have contact with the opposite sex, it's not something for her to decide. The question simply comes down to whether she can learn to trust him. 1
CptInsano Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I'm scared that this will now ruin things between us and he will no longer see me the same, trust me or continue this relationship with me. I feel like a psycho. Just explain yourself and promise that you won't do it again. Are you trying to keep him away from women in other aspects of life, too?
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I'm scared that this will now ruin things between us and he will no longer see me the same, trust me or continue this relationship with me. I feel like a psycho. This is your anxiety talking......... 1
KBarletta Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I'm scared that this will now ruin things between us and he will no longer see me the same, trust me or continue this relationship with me. I feel like a psycho. You did something stupid, but plenty of relationships have survived worse. You being honest with him about your insecurities is the first step toward solving this problem. The issue is your insecurities and your ability to trust, and being honest about your feelings and your actions is the only way to get past that. Your fear of telling him is of course normal because you don't know what will happen next, but not telling him is not going to solve anything. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 Just explain yourself and promise that you won't do it again. Are you trying to keep him away from women in other aspects of life, too? My issue is I don't trust this girl - and I do feel threatened, as she is very intelligent, speaks different languages and has things in common like him like the love for politics and US history...and she's pretty. I guess this is my insecurity speaking?
KBarletta Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 My issue is I don't trust this girl - and I do feel threatened, as she is very intelligent, speaks different languages and has things in common like him like the love for politics and US history...and she's pretty. Fact: He is always going to be around other women. You need to learn to live with that. If he loves you and you love him and you trust each other, this should not be a problem. There are plenty of men (like me) who are good guys who meet beautiful, intelligent women *all the time* and still have never cheated on their partners. 2
CptInsano Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 My issue is I don't trust this girl - and I do feel threatened, as she is very intelligent, speaks different languages and has things in common like him like the love for politics and US history...and she's pretty. I guess this is my insecurity speaking? Yes, because there will always be attractive women, and there is nothing you can do about that, except trusting your partner. He picked you for a reason. 2
viatori patuit Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 This is the kind of stuff that will drive him away. trust me, as a guy no one wants that girl who is clingy and needs constant affirmation. It gets old fast. tell him. If he flips out then screw him. You messed up, admitted it and tried to address it with him. If he doesn't see that as a super desireable trait than you don't need him. No matter what get the anxiety looked at. I understand that you are scared of it, but do you don't have to live like this. Go and find a happier place. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Just explain yourself and promise that you won't do it again. Are you trying to keep him away from women in other aspects of life, too? To answer your question, no. I am not keeping him away from any woman. I simply do not like this girl or their history - the fact they hooked up and worked together until recently - the fact they speak every now and then - i don't like her or any contact - I feel like there shouldn't be contact because shes engaged and he's with me - why even bother keeping each other on social media? she's an attention seeker and I feel like she still wants him. I feel like he'll always have something for her. She basically hooked up with him in the middle of her breakup with her now Fiance. I don't know... I could be wrong but it's just what I feel. Edited March 27, 2017 by bluefairy812
KBarletta Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 To answer your question, no. I am not keeping him away from any woman. I simply do not like this girl or their history - the fact they hooked up and worked together until recently - the fact they speak every now and then - i don't like her or any contact - I feel like there shouldn't be contact because shes engaged and he's with me - why even bother keeping each other on social media? she's an attention seeker and I feel like she still wants him. I feel like he'll always have something for her. I don't know... I could be wrong but it's just what I feel. Remember, these are your feelings, but they don't necessarily represent reality. If she's engaged, why would you think she wants him? Why can't they be friends? There are ALWAYS going to be other women who want him, too, in the future. But if you trust him, that should not matter. That's the issue you need to address, because if you don't, even if he blocks this woman, there will be another one in the future who sets off your insecurities and raises the same issue again. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 That's the issue you need to address, because if you don't, even if he blocks this woman, there will be another one in the future who sets off your insecurities and raises the same issue again. Thank you for this.... This is something I needed to realize and take into account.
viatori patuit Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Remember, these are your feelings, but they don't necessarily represent reality. If she's engaged, why would you think she wants him? Why can't they be friends? There are ALWAYS going to be other women who want him, too, in the future. But if you trust him, that should not matter. That's the issue you need to address, because if you don't, even if he blocks this woman, there will be another one in the future who sets off your insecurities and raises the same issue again. There is nothing wrong with setting expectations that all contact with exs will be severed. I do it. Who wants to deal with a person who won't commit fully? If I found out my wife/girl friend was in contact with exs I would be out. Not worth that kind of trust issue. If it was just a friend of the opposite sex then fine. I don't see an issue with that. But that is apparently not the case here. 1
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 It's not an ex though - just someone he hooked up with. but - you're absolutely right - I severed all contact with exes. I don't speak to them or have them on social media. He has it easy with me.
KBarletta Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 There is nothing wrong with setting expectations that all contact with exs will be severed. I'm not sure I agree with this 100 percent. If there was infidelity in the past, then, yes, by all means I think this is accurate. But trustworthy people can be friends with exes and maintain perfectly healthy relationships in which they would never consider straying. I think the issue is not that he has an ex (or a hookup or whatever) on social media, it is that she has a problem trusting him. If it isn't this woman, it will be another in the future. The issue is trust, not staying friends with exes.
Author bluefairy812 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I'm not sure I agree with this 100 percent. If there was infidelity in the past, then, yes, by all means I think this is accurate. But trustworthy people can be friends with exes and maintain perfectly healthy relationships in which they would never consider straying. I think the issue is not that he has an ex (or a hookup or whatever) on social media, it is that she has a problem trusting him. If it isn't this woman, it will be another in the future. The issue is trust, not staying friends with exes. Maybe I should clarify, I trust him. I just don't trust her....
CptInsano Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 It's not an ex though - just someone he hooked up with. but - you're absolutely right - I severed all contact with exes. I don't speak to them or have them on social media. He has it easy with me. But that is you. I personally don't have a problem with exes on social media. The key point here is though: There is nothing for you to gain if you can't learn how to let go of these insecurities. And you will need to discuss things with your partner, otherwise your expectations will not be met, because he may not know them or may have a different perspective altogether. 1
CptInsano Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Maybe I should clarify, I trust him. I just don't trust her.... Sounds like you don't either trust him or yourself. Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue. 2
KBarletta Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Maybe I should clarify, I trust him. I just don't trust her.... I get that. But she's engaged, no? Also, remember that it takes two for something to happen. She can't force him to do anything he doesn't want to do, and if he's smart and he loves you then he won't even put himself in a position to allow her to do anything that would jeopardize your relationship. Being friends on social media doesn't mean much of anything. 3
Tressugar Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Is there any way you can add her back? If so, no foul, no harm done.
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