James1902 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Hi, new to the website and I felt the need to get something off my chest So quick information :Ive been dating a girl for a year now and we have been going incredibly slow (in my opinion) but recently she has just gone cold. So we havent had sex and I am okay with that, she is scared and I understand. She is a virgin, I am not. The things that really bother me is that we used to be intimate regularly, perhaps once every 2 weeks at the least. But this year she just has been giving me the cold shoulder. Whenever I bring it up it sparks an arguement and she tells me its not that she doesnt want to or she cant... but then wont really give me a clear answer why. I think this whole 3 months we have been intimate maybe twice. She cannot tell me she loves me which I understand if she doesnt, but she tells me she feels that way she just cant say it. I think in our whole relationship we have stayed the night at eachothers houses maybe 4 times which seems weird to me but once again she said its not because she doesnt want to just every excuse is that she is trying... but there is absolutely no progress whatsoever.. she doesnt initiate any intimacy doesnt ask me to visit or stay over, never asks to stay over and always rejects my offers. Now I may be the dumb idiot that is in denial about a lot of things, and I admit I think sometimes it is all my fault for expecting something. And feel free to let me know. But im just getting so depressed over it and I cant find the strength to break it off with her. I dont care about moving forward, i just want to feel valued. Sorry if this is all over the place im very frustrated. I just dont understand how someone can claim to want me and put all these words into saying how change is coming... and then spend the next 2 months doing absolutely nothing.... she doesnt particularly jave a busy life and neither do I so there is time... just always excuses
ExpatInItaly Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Whatever the reasoning, she is not emotionally open enough to be in an intimate relationship, it seems. How old are you both? I can understand being scared of losing one's virginity, but there seems to be more going on. She is effectively avoiding intimacy of all types and a healthy relationship isn't really possible in these circumstances. Any chance there's been some trauma in her background? 2
Author James1902 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 We are both 20 and she is 4 months older. No trauma I know of, none she will share anyway, family is really nice although my gf seems to have a clingyness to her mother in a way that almost seems repressive like. But honestly I dont know what the issue is. We were going ok for a while and then all of a sudden we just stopped and she cant really give me a reason I can understand. I know we are young and honestly i think breaking up is the best option but I cant bring myself to do it. Now i like to think ive been pretty patient, i just dont think i can keep it up
gorf Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 We are both 20 and she is 4 months older. No trauma I know of, none she will share anyway, family is really nice although my gf seems to have a clingyness to her mother in a way that almost seems repressive like. But honestly I dont know what the issue is. We were going ok for a while and then all of a sudden we just stopped and she cant really give me a reason I can understand. I know we are young and honestly i think breaking up is the best option but I cant bring myself to do it. Now i like to think ive been pretty patient, i just dont think i can keep it up She probably didnt want to be intimate to begin with so now shes more settled in and thinking about her needs. And she needs to back off of what she was never really comfortable with from the start. Probably a mix of reasons: unsure about you and your long term intentions, a reason she was a virgin to begin with religiously/family values etc, again youre intentions (and her own) not wanting to be hurt. Giving youself to someone who you physically bond with, who could pick up and say they are done and not feeling it and gone at the snap of a finger is potential in any relationship. Could be a mix of things but a virgin who has sex with their first, they are putting a lot of weight on that person to be solid and lasting. Probably a wall to keep from getting physically attached and then hurt. Or, could be backing off cause its uncomfortable for her in some way. Nerves and shes not relaxed and loosened up during sex so its uncomfortable for example. But not just sex, physical on different levels will manifest in the same way or shying away from physical. Another reason maybe she is unsure if you, like a lot of guys can be, are in a relationship....ultimately.... for the physical. So shes backing off to see if she can confirm it. Again, lots of possible reasons, I mean anyone could write all day long, yourself included. A honest talk between the two of you is going to be the real answer here. She might not open up right away, but there is a reason for the change of pattern and honestly the more you ask around, the more variety of reasons you will come across and it could go on and on and just confuse you more. Its going to take you and her to figure it out
smackie9 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Break it off, and don't date virgins if you want a sexual relationship. 2
spiderowl Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) It sounds like she is not going to have sex with you any time soon. She may have problems on that front or is just not interested in that. You need to decide whether you like her enough for her personality to do without sex. If you really want sex, then best to find someone who does want that too, if not in the short term then in the not-too-distant future. You need to talk about it with her. I think you've waited a long time and if she really likes you, there should be some desire on her part even if she wanted a commitment before having sex. Edited March 27, 2017 by spiderowl
OatsAndHall Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Break it off, and don't date virgins if you want a sexual relationship. Yup... Too many cold showers for me. I dated a woman for a month when I was in my early twenties who was staying a virgin for religious reasons. But, she was very aggressive physically. She would show up at my apartment wearing a dress and no panties and would want to do everything "but" while completely naked. It was fun at first but became exceptionally frustrating.
Simple Logic Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Unless she has told you she is not having sex until marriage, you are wasting your time.
kendahke Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 If you want to feel valued, then you're going to have to find your spine and break up with her and find a woman who wants to value you. They are out there, but you wont' find it by staying in denial with this chick. She's emotionally stunted--I feel sorry for any guy who crosses her path. She's just one of those women who can't abide intimacy and unless you want to be her therapist or emotional tampon, then you need to cut her loose and find someone who is willing to communicate and share intimacy with you. She's not going to do it no matter how many years of your youth you waste with her. And don't fall for the "I'll have sex when I get married" lie. Nope--you really won't have sex once you get married.
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