A letter to my love who left. (wanted to put it here rather than end up sending! )

[animation]

Dear my love that left.

 

It's been just over 5 weeks since you left me, alone 1500miles from anyone else that could help. It's been just over 5 weeks that I rushed home excited like a child at Christmas to see you after merely 3 days apart, calling your name as I walked through the door wondering why you wasn't excited to see me. And then I saw the letter you left and I knew, pages of cryptic words that have left me weak ever since - I was alone my darling, with such a huge weight to carry and you, my comfort, my love and my happiness had deserted me in such a cold, bitter way.

I struggle to accept this a lot of the time, the betrayal, the anger and hurt and I can barely find the will to get out of bed some days. Whilst other times I'm fine, and remind myself the hurt is temporary and life works itself out.

I have my first opportunity to play at international level and will represent England very soon. I didn't realise it would upset me as much as it has not being able to share this with you because it was you that gave me the motivation in the first place - how I would have loved to share that excitement with you instead of it hurting.

I wish you knew how much I had sacrificed for you and your happiness, maybe then you would have felt appreciated- although I now know that wasn't the reason anyway.

I still have the letter you wrote, I still have pictures and messages from you on my phone that I just can't bring myself to destroy and I so wish I could.

I found out who you moved in with, I wish I hadn't. It deconstructed your riddles I guess, and clarified your reasons to me, I'm just sad you didn't have the vitamims to tell me, though I should expect that as it isn't the first time you haven't been transparent. To me it indicates you know how ****ty it is, not to preserve my feelings but to protect your ego, after all you clearly don't care for me after the way you did that. I know you had that planned, that hurts.

 

I know I wasn't perfect, but I loved you like you'll probably never be loved again and I was willing to better myself as much I could, something I no longer believe as true for you.

I feel a fool, we were together for 3 years and living together for 2 and a half years - with each other constantly and that is how you leave things? It devalues everything we had built.

I know you blame me for a lot, for some I accept the blame but for most I feel you blamed me for the things you weren't doing that ultimately was your choice - you pinned those things on me subconsciously and resented me for it.

Now I am able to be the person I am without the sacrifices I made for you. I have been seeing a lot more of my friends, including those that I had stopped seeing not because you asked but because I knew it made you uncomfortable, I eat and spend my money as I choose and have more time to spend doing the things I enjoy without being made feel guilty because it wasn't a shared interest.

So many nights I have felt you tapping me as you often did in your sleep when you needed to be held, and I always did. Only to realise I was dreaming and to feel reality hit me again and realise it was just my mind.

You were my hand to hold when I needed it, my support and my purpose and you took that away and made me realise I cannot put that trust in somebody again so carelessly and I know you have convinced yourself that I'll brush this off because subconsciously you know that makes your callousness easier to deal with but I want you to know that isn't the case, I am broken and feel destroyed. I am hurt and angry and I cannot deal with my mind. I am fighting escapism but often find myself indulging and you know what in but I find it hard to stop myself, especially now.

You won't ever see the me you knew, and vica-versa for the person I believed you were never really existed and the person I was has been darkened and ruined by love that he no longer exists. I hope one day I can forgive you for that but I'm not sure I will.

My darling that was, I'm ashamed to say that I regret replying to that first ever message. I wish I didn't, but I now only feel resentment toward you for everything you have made me feel. I will never blame you for your thoughts, that you cannot help - but this hurt, pain and suffer was very avoidable, I wish you cared about and respected me enough to not knowingly inflict me with torment, alas that wasn't the case- we could have spoken.

 

Your love that was.

[FoundLove]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much...

 

The only way I could get through my heartbreak was by writing letters such as yours. I've written pages and pages of letters by hand, only to tore them up and throw them away.

 

It really does help to get everything 'out' there - even if she'll never read them.

 

Hang in there, things will get better.

[breadbin]

It gets better animation and you might not believe it now but it will. The day will come when you won't spend your days thinking about them. You're right to post the letter here and not to them. Definitely don't let them read this. I'm guessing you're male but just rereading your post I can't tell for sure - not that it matters! It's probably just because I can identify with this and I'm male. Sorry if I got that wrong.

 

You don't have to destroy the pictures that you have of them. A time will come when you won't care for them at all. I'm sure you have pictures of previous exs that don't hurt when you see them. I find filling my life with friends, family and fun is a good way to move in the right direction. Exercise is always good and work keeps the mind busy. It's true what they say 'devil makes work for idle hands'.

 

It's still early on in your grief. I'm 5 months down the line and still struggle sometimes and get overcome at times. The more you think of your ex, the more you will miss them so stop thinking about them! Distract yourself. Post on these threads when you are having a moment of weakness and people here will support you.