Sidewinder85 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Hey girls/guys. NEED ADVICE I met a girl online about 2 years ago. We basically talked now and then and then it escalated over time. She lived with her kids daddy but was in a terrible situation. She basically hated the guy but didn't have much choice to stay with him for the sake of the kids and herself. No job, no license, no car. He basically kept her in a prison and controlled her. I knew it was risky to get involved with her but over time the more we talked the more involved I got. Eventually we fell in love and started a long distance (secret) relationship. She said she was gonna leave him the first chance she got. We talked when he was at work and never on nights and weekends when he was home and things went that way for a while and then finally he asked her to go on a vacation with him. Since she never got to leave home hardly and go out of town I said it was okay. One night while they were away she got drunk and had sex with him. She said she cried in the shower and regretted it like crazy. Later I find out she had had a couple more encounters with other men online (showing nudes and stuff) when we broke up or had a fight. Honestly she is a very sweet girl but has huge self esteem problems and men to her are like a drug used to sedate her emotions and validate herself. After the vacation she had a fight with him and blurted out that she was in love with me and has never loved anyone but me. He kicked her out. He wasn't faithful either btw. She moved in with her dad and sank into a depression because her Dad's live-in was a bitch and kept her downstairs in a basement (no ****). At that same time I found out I was sick. So for our last 4 months together we fought quite a bit but we're both confident that I needed to move there and us start our lives together and get out of this long distance mess. I went to see her and we had a good time and she knew I was gonna ask her to marry me and told everyone how excited she was. Then we had a fight over something petty and she told me to leave and broke it off. A few weeks later she already had another relationship. My good friend texted her to tell her how bad my sickness was and she flipped and accused us both of making it all up and blocked me and her both. We haven't talked for 3 weeks now. I did send her a letter to try and clear things up and told her I cared about her a lot and she never needed to feel she couldn't contact me. After that I have been on no contact. I'm absolutely certain she loves me and I'm also certain (because she told me so) that this new guy is her emotional airbag. Like all the other men he is a sedative. I just don't get how anyone can walk away like that and be so cold. I realize our situation is riddled with complexity and problems and I've painted a bad picture mostly but we both felt so certain we were soul mates. Finished each other's sentences and both fell harder than ever. I know advice is likely to be "dude she has mega issues and you need to walk away" but it wasn't just her. Me knowing I was sick made me put lots of pressure on her to spend time with me and I may have suffocated it out. Idk. Anyway ladies I'd appreciate your input (guys too) on how or what she is thinking. Some have told me to fight for her and prove how valuable she is. Others say, move on. I honestly don't care if we become a couple again, I just want her to and I to not be enemies and I want her to one day build up her self esteem and be okay for her and her boys who I also love very much.
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Dude she has mega issues and you need to walk away. She was using you as an "exit affair". Have you ever even MET her??? Now she is away from her ex, she has no further need for you. And she has moved onto someone else. She has mega issues and you need to walk away.
Author Sidewinder85 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Yes we have met and spent time together. I'm not sure about being an "exit". She almost lost her kids for leaving him for me. Had she kept our relationship quiet to all her friends and family I could see that but she broadcasted it to everyone she knew. Me & her dad even had the "pre-engagement talk". When someone has been abused as long as she has I expected there to be some crap to deal with and even tho she does have problems I didn't wanna walk away and confirm them. If I had to do it all over I wouldn't have been such a pushover and let her know that yes I care about her but I'm not gonna put up with as much and just suspended the relationship until things got worked out. After the few online episodes I mentioned and the thing with her ex (so-called) I became over-protective. Never good but like I said it wasn't all her. Again I know I need to walk away but what I'm trying to understand is "Why"? What is going on in her head and what can I do now if not to get her back but to show I still love her? I wish life was all logic and reason but love doesn't work that way. When a man loves a woman there isn't much else to say. Edited March 27, 2017 by Sidewinder85
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 What is going on in her head "Woohoo I am free from that abusive jerk ex of mine! I can do whatever I like, wheeeeee! I'm going to sleep with that guy, and that guy, and that guy and that guy and...." what can I do now if not to get her back but to show I still love her? Absolutely nothing. Your best course of action is to completely cut her off.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Good heavens, this was a disaster from Day 1, OP. You knew this wasn't a good idea and ignored all the red flags. Now you don't understand how it all went wrong - really? Forget about her. She's not girlfriend material at all.
Simple Logic Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Hey girls/guys. NEED ADVICE I met a girl online about 2 years ago. We basically talked now and then and then it escalated over time. She lived with her kids daddy but was in a terrible situation. She basically hated the guy but didn't have much choice to stay with him for the sake of the kids and herself. No job, no license, no car. He basically kept her in a prison and controlled her. I knew it was risky to get involved with her but over time the more we talked the more involved I got. Eventually we fell in love and started a long distance (secret) relationship. She said she was gonna leave him the first chance she got. We talked when he was at work and never on nights and weekends when he was home and things went that way for a while and then finally he asked her to go on a vacation with him. Since she never got to leave home hardly and go out of town I said it was okay. One night while they were away she got drunk and had sex with him. She said she cried in the shower and regretted it like crazy. Later I find out she had had a couple more encounters with other men online (showing nudes and stuff) when we broke up or had a fight. Honestly she is a very sweet girl but has huge self esteem problems and men to her are like a drug used to sedate her emotions and validate herself. After the vacation she had a fight with him and blurted out that she was in love with me and has never loved anyone but me. He kicked her out. He wasn't faithful either btw. She moved in with her dad and sank into a depression because her Dad's live-in was a bitch and kept her downstairs in a basement (no ****). At that same time I found out I was sick. So for our last 4 months together we fought quite a bit but we're both confident that I needed to move there and us start our lives together and get out of this long distance mess. I went to see her and we had a good time and she knew I was gonna ask her to marry me and told everyone how excited she was. Then we had a fight over something petty and she told me to leave and broke it off. A few weeks later she already had another relationship. My good friend texted her to tell her how bad my sickness was and she flipped and accused us both of making it all up and blocked me and her both. We haven't talked for 3 weeks now. I did send her a letter to try and clear things up and told her I cared about her a lot and she never needed to feel she couldn't contact me. After that I have been on no contact. I'm absolutely certain she loves me and I'm also certain (because she told me so) that this new guy is her emotional airbag. Like all the other men he is a sedative. I just don't get how anyone can walk away like that and be so cold. I realize our situation is riddled with complexity and problems and I've painted a bad picture mostly but we both felt so certain we were soul mates. Finished each other's sentences and both fell harder than ever. I know advice is likely to be "dude she has mega issues and you need to walk away" but it wasn't just her. Me knowing I was sick made me put lots of pressure on her to spend time with me and I may have suffocated it out. Idk. Anyway ladies I'd appreciate your input (guys too) on how or what she is thinking. Some have told me to fight for her and prove how valuable she is. Others say, move on. I honestly don't care if we become a couple again, I just want her to and I to not be enemies and I want her to one day build up her self esteem and be okay for her and her boys who I also love very much. This women has screwed up her life and you think you are the white knight that will save her. Why?
Altair0770 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Let me tell you my story because it's so similar. Met a girl online on a video game. I didn't think I'd ever do a LDR, but we connected and got super close. Dropped love bombs. She talked about kids and marriage. Made me promise that I could handle her anxiety issues. She also told me her darkest secret that no one in her family knows. I went to visit her after 4 months of online flirting. Everything was perfect. Night time hit and she had a panic attack. Turns out she has PTSD. After that I became the blame for all her issues. So much hostility. I took all the hate she had built up for the people that hurt her. She broke up with me 3 months after I got back after falling into depression and anxiety. I spent 2 months NC. I saw how terrible she was becoming because of her decision. She was crying every night, missed me terribly. Despite me having suicidal thoughts for the first couple of weeks post-breakup, I quickly was healing faster than her. So, I came back. I felt so much empathy. INSTANTLY my returning made her super happy, made her feel like herself. I was there for her and we texted every night like we were together again. Then I learned from a mutual friend she has been texting someone else, and was interested in them. So I'm back into NC for 2 months, haven't heard a word from her (I did tell her I don't want to know she exists). What did I learn? Some of these girls online want to live in a fantasy far away, to escape their harsh reality because they are unhappy. They are looking for someone else as an escape. Then it becomes real. ALL relationships have ups and downs. And some can't handle their picture perfect relationship idea becoming something it's not, so they seek somewhere else. Sorry mate, this girl never loved you. She loved the idea of you. Unfortunately having a relationship online hides ALL the flaws. (I mean, this girl smelled unbearably terrible the third day). Once she saw she can't handle reality, she bailed to go back to that picture perfect relationship online with someone else. This girl has a lot of issues she needs to figure out on her own. I know it's difficult. Trust me. I researched for months how to help and live with someone that has PTSD. It sounds terrible, but I'd have done it for this girl. But she didn't want to reconcile because reality wasn't what she pictured in her fantasy. Unfortunately, we cannot be the white knight. Nor is that a healthy relationship. It's what they seek in a fantasy, but it's not possible.
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