CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I only ask ONE question with respect to exes on dates: "What are your thoughts on staying in contact with exes?" I don't continue to date them if they talk about their exes much and I don't date them if ask me more than a few, simple questions about my divorces. The topic of divorce does come up and keep the answers short, polite and to the point without being negative. I hate "tests" like this. I tend to bail if I think I'm being tested, even if I KNOW I'd answer somehow "favorably." It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. My date isn't my superior. He isn't my teacher, my counselor, my driving instructor or my job interviewer. I understand wanting to know about things like this, I do. But such questions are so condescending and the unavoidable air of "let's see how she answers...right, she's in; wrong, she's out" has me getting myself out ahead of time...just no thanks. Now, the date volunteering tons of negative info about the ex? That I can see being a turnoff. It really is and that does show some red flags, IMO, even if only because she (in my case, he) can't stop talking about an ex. It has more to do with that, really. JMO.
mikeylo Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 So what if 2 divorces ? I guess it's a bolder decision to quit the 2nd time. It's because of this ' stigma ' that so many people stay married in terrible 2nd marriages. Others are extremely quick to judge them and label. Lying about it is not right though.
coolheadal Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Stop going out with men who are married twice or more who have lied about it. There is nothing you can do they if they lied, were married, more than once and got divorced. You have to understand why things are. Many will say they're single after there divorced. Divorce is over marriage is done no more. Wife has moved on might have re-married again and again. She's out of the picture. If you don't want a guy who has been married then don't date them. If that's all you running into there is reason why? Ask them? If they lie then don't do anything with them. But just remember a lot of them got married for a reason for love, everyone was raised to get married. But sometimes the marriages go sour. It happens. Listen you might get married and learn that marrying isn't what you had expected it would be like? When you marry someone your life changes you are now together, there is a certain bond. There is more love, there is more togetherness, your with him, he's with you. You share, your life and happiness together. Most of all your loyalty is with him only. You don't date other men you don't cheat. Where the marriages end could be all sorts of reason, major ones are cheating.. But again think about why how these men you meet-up with are divorce, so single guy who never married is what you are looking for, not a single guy who was married and now divorce would be a different guy because he has learned how to be married and what to expect in a marriage and also what not to do to make his marriage end up in another divorce. 1
Popsicle Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 People judge you for everything. They judge you for being divorced twice, they judge you for being divorced once, they judge you for never have been married, they judge you for staying in a bad marriage. Pick your poison. You can't make everyone happy. Whatever it is that you want to know and are sensitive to, just straight out ask them within the first or second conversation/text. You can not do anything about people who blatantly lie. 1
Popsicle Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 And to the OP, really you should only be dating NEVER married men. Not men who've only married once. You're playing with fire there. Just stick with never married.
Curiousroxy86 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Am I right to be concerned? I'm mid 30's and never married before. I keep running into the stereotypical dude: between 45 and 50 who are divorced. The first marriage was high school sweetheart and I can verify they've been divorced between five and ten years. I am to the point where I clarify and ask the guys if they've only been married and divorced once. They say yes. After further research, I learn they had a brief second marriage. I quizzed one guy again and he admitted the second marriage. I just found out a few hours ago about the new guy being divorced twice. It instantly turned me off. I was unsure about his original story: married high school sweetheart after ten years of dating, two years of marriage before she divorced him after an affair with her boss. Then he claimed to have three or four long term relationships lasting about a year or so. He just didn't say the one relationship after his first divorce ended up being his second ex wife. He has been pretty good so far; he even has a baby book for his ten year old dog where he listed all of the firsts and has the classified ad about the dog taped into the book. But I'm so turned off by the second divorce that I discovered on my own. I don't even think I want to ask him about it. I'd almost rather go back to my verbally-abusive ex boyfriend who omitted/lied that he was sleeping with a girl in the past who had an STD, yet he swore he didn't have one. I never slept with him because of the lie. But at least I know where he has been. I'm his first girlfriend and he's never been married. I hate that I have to keep making excuses. Like, at least they don't have kids, at least they got out quickly, etc. I was going to marry my college sweetheart but realized our differing viewpoints on money were not good, and I ended it. I've had to make a big exception on my old criterion to date a guy who has been divorced once. But twice? I had it rough growing up, but these are guys who come from solid families with parents who are still married. I don't know what's worse: to be divorced twice or to lie about it. I think the problem is that they lied about it. I am concerned that you wondered if going back to a man who is verbally abusive AND lied is better??? question. say a man didn't lie. say a man your seeing is thus far great to you but was honest about the fact that he have had two failed marriages in the past. would you stop seeing him?
Popsicle Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I think the problem is that they lied about it. I am concerned that you wondered if going back to a man who is verbally abusive AND lied is better??? question. say a man didn't lie. say a man your seeing is thus far great to you but was honest about the fact that he have had two failed marriages in the past. would you stop seeing him? She may value die-hard commitment above all else. Maybe her ex was abusive and a liar but would never leave her. People value differ things.
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