venusinlibra Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Am I right to be concerned? I'm mid 30's and never married before. I keep running into the stereotypical dude: between 45 and 50 who are divorced. The first marriage was high school sweetheart and I can verify they've been divorced between five and ten years. I am to the point where I clarify and ask the guys if they've only been married and divorced once. They say yes. After further research, I learn they had a brief second marriage. I quizzed one guy again and he admitted the second marriage. I just found out a few hours ago about the new guy being divorced twice. It instantly turned me off. I was unsure about his original story: married high school sweetheart after ten years of dating, two years of marriage before she divorced him after an affair with her boss. Then he claimed to have three or four long term relationships lasting about a year or so. He just didn't say the one relationship after his first divorce ended up being his second ex wife. He has been pretty good so far; he even has a baby book for his ten year old dog where he listed all of the firsts and has the classified ad about the dog taped into the book. But I'm so turned off by the second divorce that I discovered on my own. I don't even think I want to ask him about it. I'd almost rather go back to my verbally-abusive ex boyfriend who omitted/lied that he was sleeping with a girl in the past who had an STD, yet he swore he didn't have one. I never slept with him because of the lie. But at least I know where he has been. I'm his first girlfriend and he's never been married. I hate that I have to keep making excuses. Like, at least they don't have kids, at least they got out quickly, etc. I was going to marry my college sweetheart but realized our differing viewpoints on money were not good, and I ended it. I've had to make a big exception on my old criterion to date a guy who has been divorced once. But twice? I had it rough growing up, but these are guys who come from solid families with parents who are still married. I don't know what's worse: to be divorced twice or to lie about it. Edited March 27, 2017 by venusinlibra
coolheadal Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I am been married once, no kids and divorced. I have nothing to lie about it. Your in mid 30s you are catch for men because those who want kids would seek you out in heart beat. I would like to have kids but again my ex-wife played mean games and didn't want to be a mom even though she came from loving parents who are sill married. Hear dad was player with over 15 kids to his name. You are just running into the wrong type of men. I ran into the wrong type of women. I've met so many and yet they all have been married more than me. 2, 3, and 4 times. 4 times is a lot to be married and divorced. Those who have been married 3 times do not want to be married again. Right now I don't want to think about marrying again because it would have to be just right and I am not seeing anything like they care to be married either. Guys that lie to you and tell you they have been married once, are not telling you the truth. I am not lying at all. You can always check to see if they're lying or not. You need to find someone who's not playing mind games and can tell you upfront they're either married or divorce or once or twice. Your never married so it's hard for you to relate to these married men. Then the other issue if they compare you to their ex-wife you need to get the heck out of that relationship ASAP because you do not want to be like their ex-wife or even come close to it. Odd you keep meeting the same type of me, might be something in your profile or how you go about meeting them. A lot of me by age 40 are married already. I have friend he's been married 5 times and he's on his 5th wife who has been married twice and he's her second marriage. He has so many kids too. She has 2 kids. I tell him 5 times married that's a lot. In a women I wouldn't have much in common with them when they're married 2 or more times. I did meet a woman in 2017 who was married for 10 years with her first, 4 years each with the 2nd and 3rd husband and 4 months with the 4th husband. I would run to the hills with her. What would I be the 5 th husband, I don't think so she told me she was unpredictable and might hurt my feelings..
PegNosePete Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I don't know what's worse: to be divorced twice or to lie about it. Why is it bad to be divorced twice? Surely you can't know unless you know the reasons for the divorce. What if his ex wives cheated on him and divorced him? That is not his fault, not "bad" that he got divorced, in fact he would have had no choice in it whatsoever. In fact getting married shows he isn't afraid of commitment and doesn't let one bad experience put him off. The lying, however, is totally his fault. He was 100% in control of that. It must make you wonder what else he is lying about. I would see that as a major red flag. 4
viatori patuit Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 As a twice divorced guy I find your condescending attitude very offputting. Who wants to be with a judgmental person? I am even surprised one would lie about that. I am totally upfront about my two divorces because I want to avoid judgemental people. Of course if he did lie then he is a pos. More importantly he is a moron. How does something like that not get found out? 2
act00 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I haven't had anyone lie to me about their divorce history or omit it. I know they don't like saying it, because two divorces. Will that be a red flag? The first one, in my experience, was when they were really young, and just before going off to the military, and it just didn't work out. Divorce or a string of long-term relationships, does it really matter?
Art_Critic Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 When I was single and dating I dated a girl that said she had never been married before but a few months after dating I found out she had been married before for about 6 months.. she had been divorced about 2 years so it should have been fresh in her mind... She told me that since she wasn't married in her mind and it only lasted 6 months she felt she could say she had never been married My experience with her wasn't good, she lied about a lot of things.. So I would think if a guy would lie about his second divorce then the rule of what else are they lying about would apply.
Jj66 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I've had plenty of women omit that they were divorced twice. None have lied about it, however. The second divorce is a red flag but isn't a deal breaker to me. Lying about it would be. 1
Simple Logic Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 As a twice divorced guy I find your condescending attitude very offputting. Who wants to be with a judgmental person? I am even surprised one would lie about that. I am totally upfront about my two divorces because I want to avoid judgemental people. Of course if he did lie then he is a pos. More importantly he is a moron. How does something like that not get found out? That cuts both ways. If I were looking for marriage, I would never date a woman who was divorced twice. Who wants to risk marriage with person with a history of bad judgement? 2
Arieswoman Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I agree with Jj66 post #7 The second divorce is a red flag but isn't a deal breaker to me. Lying about it would be. Simple logic, you say If I were looking for marriage, I would never date a woman who was divorced twice. Who wants to risk marriage with person with a history of bad judgement? ^^^ and that's bit harsh. People are very clever at putting the best version of themselves forward. It's too simplistic to blame a failed marriage on "bad judgement" by either party.
CloudyHead Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Lying about being divorced is different than omitting being divorced so make sure that you ask the right question. As far as being divorced twice in one's 40's/50's, that is common place. Oftentimes the second marriage is with the "transitional person". As you grow older, you will encounter it more. It's just a fact of life. 1
LookAtThisPOst Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I've always would be taken aback by those who were divorced twice...becuase it may be indicative of poor life choices. But you still have to hear them out. I once had a twice divorced woman find it odd I was never married, where I found it odd that she had two failed marriages. lol I would say never having been married would be better.
viatori patuit Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 That cuts both ways. If I were looking for marriage, I would never date a woman who was divorced twice. Who wants to risk marriage with person with a history of bad judgement? There are a million reasons people break up. A million more why they get divorced. I could go crazy trying to second guess someone's life choices. And inserting motives for those choices just makes that all the nuttier. I do understand we have to have standards. If you haven't been married then it is fine to pre judge a bit those that have failed at it. but if you have been divorced there is no way that one can cast aspersions. It is the whole glass houses thing. How can we say one or three is any different? 2
kendahke Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I don't know what's worse: to be divorced twice or to lie about it. Lying--about anything--is worse. At least they're divorced!!! They're not still married, but separated for a gazillion years with no intention on dragging the state into it to dissolve it, and bringing you into that mess. After a certain age, expect for most people to have been married at least once. Then expect for a large part of that group to have married twice and so on. If you want someone who has never married at the age of 50, you're going to have to look hard. I mean, I'm one of them--and I expect that any guy I talk to over the age of 57 has a couple of ex wives in his rear view mirror. People marry for a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with judgement. People do the best they can do until they figure out how to do better. 1
Jj66 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Because almost everyone I meet is divorced, some question I have learned to ask to filter people: What are some good qualities that your ex has? If I asked your ex, what reason do.you think he would give for the divorce? What lessons have you learned? These questions are surprisingly good at rooting out people who cannot accept responsibility for anything (next!); for showing which ones are introspective (an important quality to me).
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Because almost everyone I meet is divorced, some question I have learned to ask to filter people: What are some good qualities that your ex has? If I asked your ex, what reason do.you think he would give for the divorce? What lessons have you learned? These questions are surprisingly good at rooting out people who cannot accept responsibility for anything (next!); for showing which ones are introspective (an important quality to me). Jj66, are you serious? You actually ask the ladies these questions? And they respond w/o indignation? 1
Jj66 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Jj66, are you serious? You actually ask the ladies these questions? And they respond w/o indignation? Absolutely. Indignation equals not for me. Whenever she first mentions something bad about her ex I ask her about his good qualities. If he doesn't have any then why the heck did she marry him, no?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Absolutely. Indignation equals not for me. Whenever she first mentions something bad about her ex I ask her about his good qualities. If he doesn't have any then why the heck did she marry him, no? Ah, so you don't initiate. Anyway, bold.
OatsAndHall Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I have been divorced twice. My first wife and I rushed into it (we hadn't even dated a year) as we were both graduating college, we loved each other and we felt like it was the "right thing to do" according to societal standards. We both decided that we weren't happy about two years in, separated and divorced. My second marriage was a flipping nightmare that I won't get into. I have been open about this with women that I have dated in the past. Some women are okay with it, some aren't and I understand. Unfortunately, timing is a tough call if when I was using OLD sites. I would meet a women, we'd have a lot in common, enjoy a few chats over messages or texts and but I would tell them that I had been married twice before asking them on a date. It slammed the door pretty hard almost every time. So, I started waiting to bring it up on the first date or two and only had one women become angry over it and not see me again.
Jj66 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Unless asked earlier I bring my starter marriage up on the third date.
CloudyHead Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I've asked similar questions. I have also asked "what were your ex's complaints about you" and vice versa. It takes two to make a marriage work and, to be honest, there is usually fault on both sides for a marriage's demise. And, I do like playing the devil's advocate at times. Some people handle it well. Others don't.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 The most I've asked is whether she has a good or bad relationship with their ex. Additional information is voluntary, but I see the value of knowing more.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Unless asked earlier I bring my starter marriage up on the third date. Holy cow...if anything would be a red flag to me it would be someone calling his marriage a "starter marriage." I think by now it's pretty clear we all have different ideas of what constitutes concern as far as how many marriages, how long the marriages were and so on, but the OP's question was actually about lying about/hiding a previous marriage. I think that's terrible, and for me the lying would be a deal breaker. That is NOT something to lie about. JMO. Not that there are any hood things to lie about, but hiding a marriage? Marriage is a big deal. Or of should be. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce (and I am once divorced, BTW), your marriage was, or your marriages were, a big decision/big decisions. A really big decision. Literally sweeping that under the rug...just no.
OatsAndHall Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I only ask ONE question with respect to exes on dates: "What are your thoughts on staying in contact with exes?" I don't continue to date them if they talk about their exes much and I don't date them if ask me more than a few, simple questions about my divorces. The topic of divorce does come up and keep the answers short, polite and to the point without being negative.
SevenCity Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I don't see how divorcing more than once is any different than a breakup from a committed relationship. As women do most of the dumping (and divorcing) it's not uncommon for a middle aged guy to have a second failed marriage. If these guys were 30 I could understand, but 45-50 two marriages seem reasonable. Would it be better to meet a guy who never wanted to get married after the first divorce? As far as not being upfront I don't blame them. Look at your reaction. I'm sure you don't list all of your less than ideal qualities as soon as you meet a man.
RecentChange Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Hum, I may get piled on for this..... I would bristle at twice divorced. I have a hard time wrapping my head around "yes, this one for ever, till death do us part" followed by whoops, not that one, this one! Yes forever till death do us part - whoops not that one either - next? My mother, and her 5 marriages, and 5 divorces really jaded me on that idea. My siblings as well - heck, I was with the same man for 14 years before we tied the knot, and my sister and brother have been married 20 and 25 years respectively. There are always outliers, but third marriages on average have a 25% success rate. If I was looking for a husband, I don't think I would be thrilled with the notion of being his third wife. 1
Recommended Posts