Addictedtohim80 Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 Ok it's a VERY complex situation so please keep an open mind about it and read it all before responding. Background: -Dating 2.5 years. He has 3 kids (11,12,14) from a marriage and I have 2(8,10). -He's been divorced for about 5 or 6 years now. -He runs a small business with his ex-wife. Before meeting me, he was in a 3 year relationship with a girl and bought a house with her. They broke up at the same he got sick with GBS (temporary paralysis for 80 days). He needed help getting his body and life back and went to live temp at his ex wife's house with the kids while he recovered. They weren't getting back together but never told the kids either way. Just that he was coming to live there. He moved out after a while but still was very close by to take care of kids. That's when he met me. Shortly after, the business could not pay the mortgage on the big house the kids were in and they had to downsize to a small rental home and he promised to move back in to help them adjust. He tried to also find another job while she ran the business but it didn't work out and he's back at the business again doing well. This was 2 years ago. It's been a struggle with his daughters acting out badly, older daughter cutting herself and son struggling in school. I have been very patient with this whole situation and very supportive of his decisions, his business and even his ex wife. (she does know about me, only his kids and his extended family do not). In our own little bubble we are perfect. He sleeps at my place 6 out of 7 nights a week and is there for me for whatever I need. I don't doubt his love/devotion/fidelity in the slightest. MY children met him around the 8 month mark simply because it made spending time together easier when he came over. My kids adore him as do i. You can imagine the toll this can take on our relationship at times and we've had a few upsets and quick decision "breakups" that last 24 hours but are intense (and are initiated by me). His past reasons for not telling his kids have always been because of the kids and money. Now that we can both see the kids are better, business is better our relationship is better, I've raised the issue again simply because his kids are asking "where do you go at night?" and "are you sleeping here tonight?" are getting more and more obvious. His response is he's not comfortable telling them right now until he sees a period of time where WE are doing well. (no intense fights or break ups). His fear (and his exwifes) is like before with the other girlfriend he had they will be introduced and get close to me and then we'll break up and they will be heart broken. I need advice. Am I being impatient? Breaking up is not really in the cards. THis is not a "should I leave him" post. He IS the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I do have faith that ONE day he WILL tell his kids and he WILL move in. We've talked marriage and engagement rings we've even gone to a wedding trade show and ring shopping. I just want to understand better and most importantly I fear holding back this info from HIS kids will effect their relationship him HIM and ME when they do eventually know. (sorry for the long post).
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 Ok it's a VERY complex situation so please keep an open mind about it and read it all before responding. Background: -Dating 2.5 years. He has 3 kids (11,12,14) from a marriage and I have 2(8,10). -He's been divorced for about 5 or 6 years now. -He runs a small business with his ex-wife. Before meeting me, he was in a 3 year relationship with a girl and bought a house with her. They broke up at the same he got sick with GBS (temporary paralysis for 80 days). He needed help getting his body and life back and went to live temp at his ex wife's house with the kids while he recovered. They weren't getting back together but never told the kids either way. Just that he was coming to live there. He moved out after a while but still was very close by to take care of kids. That's when he met me. Shortly after, the business could not pay the mortgage on the big house the kids were in and they had to downsize to a small rental home and he promised to move back in to help them adjust. He tried to also find another job while she ran the business but it didn't work out and he's back at the business again doing well. This was 2 years ago. It's been a struggle with his daughters acting out badly, older daughter cutting herself and son struggling in school. I have been very patient with this whole situation and very supportive of his decisions, his business and even his ex wife. (she does know about me, only his kids and his extended family do not). In our own little bubble we are perfect. He sleeps at my place 6 out of 7 nights a week and is there for me for whatever I need. I don't doubt his love/devotion/fidelity in the slightest. MY children met him around the 8 month mark simply because it made spending time together easier when he came over. My kids adore him as do i. You can imagine the toll this can take on our relationship at times and we've had a few upsets and quick decision "breakups" that last 24 hours but are intense (and are initiated by me). His past reasons for not telling his kids have always been because of the kids and money. Now that we can both see the kids are better, business is better our relationship is better, I've raised the issue again simply because his kids are asking "where do you go at night?" and "are you sleeping here tonight?" are getting more and more obvious. His response is he's not comfortable telling them right now until he sees a period of time where WE are doing well. (no intense fights or break ups). His fear (and his exwifes) is like before with the other girlfriend he had they will be introduced and get close to me and then we'll break up and they will be heart broken. I need advice. Am I being impatient? Breaking up is not really in the cards. THis is not a "should I leave him" post. He IS the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I do have faith that ONE day he WILL tell his kids and he WILL move in. We've talked marriage and engagement rings we've even gone to a wedding trade show and ring shopping. I just want to understand better and most importantly I fear holding back this info from HIS kids will effect their relationship him HIM and ME when they do eventually know. (sorry for the long post). I can see why he would hesitate and I actually support his decision. It is clear that your relationship IS NOT sound right now. Or hasn't been long enough for him to feel comfortable. I can also see your frustration, but for now I believe you should take some time fortifying the relationship and then approach him again. Is there anyway to meet the kids as 'friends?' Just a thought. I have two kiddos about your children's ages and I would be very cautious myself. Especially if you two have threatened breaking-up on a few occasions. 1
Author Addictedtohim80 Posted March 26, 2017 Author Posted March 26, 2017 Well we would definitely start the process of just being "friends" absolutely. The process of introducing someone to children is always a slow process. My concerns are more that his kids being older than mine will have more resentment that he's kept this "friend" a secret from them for so long. They aren't little anymore. They understand relationships now. Mine are still impressionable and easy gullible. On top of that, as far as OUR relationship goes, I feel like I've done so much despite the tough times we've had. I picked up moved myself to the next borough so I could be closer to him and now starting a new life here. I don't know what else I can do to show him that no matter what kind of fight we have (which we have both improved upon) that I'm not going to leave him or ever kick him out etc. My kids are anxious too. They don't quite understand WHY they haven't met his kids. What the hold up is. It's very hard.
spiderowl Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 It sounds like he is too embroiled in his family and ex-wife's life to really commit to you. I don't see why he should hide you away at this stage. I can understand him not wanting to hurt the children but it seems to me he is unsure of the relationship with you. Whether this is because of the break-ups you've had, I don't know. I doubt it because I suspect they were about the same issue - but only you know what they were about. At the moment, he has two distinct lives - the one with you and the one with his wife and family. Maybe you are not getting the whole story here? Just a thought. Like you, I would be uneasy about the lack of introductions at this stage. Really, it all depends whether you can tolerate that and whatever it means to you and him. It is reasonable for you to wonder what this really means.
coolheadal Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 Ok it's a VERY complex situation so please keep an open mind about it and read it all before responding. Background: -Dating 2.5 years. He has 3 kids (11,12,14) from a marriage and I have 2(8,10). -He's been divorced for about 5 or 6 years now. -He runs a small business with his ex-wife. Before meeting me, he was in a 3 year relationship with a girl and bought a house with her. They broke up at the same he got sick with GBS (temporary paralysis for 80 days). He needed help getting his body and life back and went to live temp at his ex wife's house with the kids while he recovered. They weren't getting back together but never told the kids either way. Just that he was coming to live there. He moved out after a while but still was very close by to take care of kids. That's when he met me. Shortly after, the business could not pay the mortgage on the big house the kids were in and they had to downsize to a small rental home and he promised to move back in to help them adjust. He tried to also find another job while she ran the business but it didn't work out and he's back at the business again doing well. This was 2 years ago. It's been a struggle with his daughters acting out badly, older daughter cutting herself and son struggling in school. I have been very patient with this whole situation and very supportive of his decisions, his business and even his ex wife. (she does know about me, only his kids and his extended family do not). In our own little bubble we are perfect. He sleeps at my place 6 out of 7 nights a week and is there for me for whatever I need. I don't doubt his love/devotion/fidelity in the slightest. MY children met him around the 8 month mark simply because it made spending time together easier when he came over. My kids adore him as do i. You can imagine the toll this can take on our relationship at times and we've had a few upsets and quick decision "breakups" that last 24 hours but are intense (and are initiated by me). His past reasons for not telling his kids have always been because of the kids and money. Now that we can both see the kids are better, business is better our relationship is better, I've raised the issue again simply because his kids are asking "where do you go at night?" and "are you sleeping here tonight?" are getting more and more obvious. His response is he's not comfortable telling them right now until he sees a period of time where WE are doing well. (no intense fights or break ups). His fear (and his exwifes) is like before with the other girlfriend he had they will be introduced and get close to me and then we'll break up and they will be heart broken. I need advice. Am I being impatient? Breaking up is not really in the cards. THis is not a "should I leave him" post. He IS the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I do have faith that ONE day he WILL tell his kids and he WILL move in. We've talked marriage and engagement rings we've even gone to a wedding trade show and ring shopping. I just want to understand better and most importantly I fear holding back this info from HIS kids will effect their relationship him HIM and ME when they do eventually know. (sorry for the long post). Simply put leave now before it's too late. He's not ready for you and your two kids do not need a sort of life so complex, so complicated why would you put them and yourself though all of this!!! Think about it? His ex-wife is still in the picture she'll always be there. Him Ex-Wife 3 Kids You 2 Kids Total involved = 8 Should be only 7 the extra is the issue and he's not letting her go because he knows her longer your still a stranger to his wife and 3 kids. This is the problem for him and his ex. You need to find a man without a complicated lifestyle. Otherwise you'll never be happy with him at all.. Think about you and your 2 kids. There are much better choices out there and don't settle for this guy! If he wants to be with you he would make more of effort. Now tell him your leaving and your not returning back. Lets see what he does but if you do not see things going your way then say that's it we're done! 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 This doesn't look good. Kids are a tricky area, but why does his extended family know nothing about you either? 1
act00 Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 I totally get not introducing the kids to the boyfriend/girlfriend right away, but you've been going out for 2-1/2 years now, and he's practically living with you. You have reached the point of "family." Yes, there is always that possibility that your relationship crumbles, and everyone will suffer a loss. You two are together, and you can't blend families/kids without actually making the relationship known and spending time together. There has been a great deal of turmoil in these kids' lives (dad's and mom's too) with some behavior issues, so I understand some of the fear and hesitation, but two-and-a-half-years, and he's living with you a majority of the time and in a stepfather role. His kids should be let in on the secret by now and have an opportunity to know their stepmother and stepsiblings. It seems your boyfriend's approach (and the ex-wife) is that this relationship is destined to fail, so leave the kids out of it. This bothers me the most. He's behaving like this this is temporary. He's not behaving like this is permanent. Meanwhile, you are. He's living with you and living in the family way with your children, but not including his own children because what? Six months from now he's out the door? Chew on that, because I wonder if this is a relationship you wish to continue. It seems like he has one foot out the door if he doesn't wish to incorporate his own children into your family. 2
kendahke Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 He has a temporary/transient view on your relationship. His behavior says children and family are permanent to him: you're not. Doesn't matter that you've been with him 2+ years--by now, he should know that he wants you to be a permanent fixture in his life, his children's lives and his family's lives. It's not like he's 17 and relationships are new to him. I wouldn't have anyone like that sleeping in my children's home with them there. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 @Addictedtohim80. I totally disregarded the 2.5 years of dating. Wow. I agree with others. He should definitely know that you are serious, but I do go back to his previous failed 3-yr relationship. He doesn't want another repeat of that. He really is in no position to take on another family. He is barely coping with his own family's problems. From the purchase of a house to his medical issues, I would imagine that he has a lot more baggage that you should not be willing to carry into your own family. Think about your own children...protect them from further grief. I know what it's like. 4
Author Addictedtohim80 Posted March 26, 2017 Author Posted March 26, 2017 Thanks to those that posted responses I appreciate your thoughts and opinions. As far as my kids go I don't have my kids every night or every weekend because of split custody so they don't often spend tons of time with him. He has recently spent a weekend with us at a friends cottage and they are easily attached. He seems them briefly once or twice during the week for a couple hours before bed. My biggest concern is that his kids will find out some other way and be more hurt that he delayed it so long rather than hurt about us being together. HIs plan essentially is to to tell them and move out of the house at the same time o as to rip the bandaid off in one shot. He feels once he tells them he has a girlfriend that everytime he spends time with me that he's choosing ME over them. My concern is every kid is going to feel this way in this process. It's not easy to date while having kids but if you have found who you love you need to do it anyway and learn to deal with it cautiously. As for his ex wife. She is beyond frustrated that he lives there ONLY because she has trouble trying to date while her ex is still under her roof. She express to my BF that she goes on dates but they can never go anywhere because he's there. So he offers to leave and then she says no because she doesn't want them to go through what they did with the last girl. They are treating their kids like glass and for some good reasons sure but it can't be like this forever. She has her "cake and eat it to". He stays there at the house to keep the kids happy, help out around the house and raise the kids, cleans up does his part in exchange technically for room & board and not paying child support. Her friends are constantly telling her to get him out but she relies on his help so much, and being there allows him to be a big part of his kids life. So THAT part i understand I just want to be a part of it too.
act00 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 The thing is, this man is living like a family with the OP, and I can only assume fathering HER children. Meanwhile, HIS children don't even know he's in a relationship and living in a family way with the OP, and to add insult to injury, the extended family doesn't even know. There's something seriously wrong with this. The OP is very well aware of the medical and financial hardships over the years and is fully invested in this man (with her children) and the boyfriend is not. He's pretending like this life with the OP and her children doesn't exist at all when it comes to his children and his extended family. It's like an extramarital affair on steroids. 2
angel.eyes Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 His fear (and his exwifes) is like before with the other girlfriend he had they will be introduced and get close to me and then we'll break up and they will be heart broken. Don't your children face the same risks? In fact, I would argue your children will be hit even harder by any breakup as they have bonded with him now for almost two years. I need advice. Am I being impatient? Breaking up is not really in the cards. THis is not a "should I leave him" post. He IS the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I do have faith that ONE day he WILL tell his kids and he WILL move in. We've talked marriage and engagement rings we've even gone to a wedding trade show and ring shopping. I just want to understand better and most importantly I fear holding back this info from HIS kids will effect their relationship him HIM and ME when they do eventually know. (sorry for the long post). At the crux of your dilemma is the fact that after two and a half years of dating, you both view the relationship very differently. You're clearly all in and fully committed to spending the rest of your life with him. He on the other hand, leads two completely separate lives--one with you and your kids that's hidden from his kids and family, and the other with his kids and ex-wife that is fully public to everyone and the entire world. While you clearly see this relationship as forever, his behavior and even the reasons he gives you for keeping you hidden from those most important to him, clearly highlight that he sees things ending. Like it or not, from his perspective, your relationship is temporary and has an expiration date so he has no interest in involving his children even after years of being involved with you. You can claim that you don't see things ever ending and won't even contemplate that possibility from posters, but at some point you're going to have to face the reality that he does. 1
angel.eyes Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 They are still together because their relationship and living together works for both of them. Among many other things, he has avoided the bulk of his living expenses (rent, alimony, child support, etc.). He also has greater access to his children. And most importantly, he and his ex-wife are there for each other whenever needed. I'm sorry, but why would he ever walk away from this arrangement, especially when he has a long-suffering girlfriend on the sidelines who is bending over backwards to accommodate this? This is going to continue indefinitely while he feeds you empty promises of telling his kids and moving out someday. All that ring shopping? Did all that activity and empty talk lead to a proposal and an actual ring on your finger? A concrete wedding date? Whenever you get frustrated with the status quo and put your foot down (and not even a saint could continue in limbo for this long), he'll claim that he can't trust that you won't end things and use that as additional ammunition to not acknowledge your existence to his kids and family. So he continues to have his cake and eat it (you and the ex-wife) while you walk on eggshells, choking down your needs and trying to be patient and understanding. You're the other woman in this triangle. It's been two and a half years. Think carefully about how many years you are willing to waste on this exercise in futility. Five? Seven? Ten? Longer? While you think about that, please read the threads in the Other man/Other woman forum. Yes, the ex-wife knows about you, but in all other respects the dynamic is much the same as being the other woman. Thanks to those that posted responses I appreciate your thoughts and opinions. As far as my kids go I don't have my kids every night or every weekend because of split custody so they don't often spend tons of time with him. He has recently spent a weekend with us at a friends cottage and they are easily attached. He seems them briefly once or twice during the week for a couple hours before bed. My biggest concern is that his kids will find out some other way and be more hurt that he delayed it so long rather than hurt about us being together. HIs plan essentially is to to tell them and move out of the house at the same time o as to rip the bandaid off in one shot. He feels once he tells them he has a girlfriend that everytime he spends time with me that he's choosing ME over them. My concern is every kid is going to feel this way in this process. It's not easy to date while having kids but if you have found who you love you need to do it anyway and learn to deal with it cautiously. As for his ex wife. She is beyond frustrated that he lives there ONLY because she has trouble trying to date while her ex is still under her roof. She express to my BF that she goes on dates but they can never go anywhere because he's there. So he offers to leave and then she says no because she doesn't want them to go through what they did with the last girl. They are treating their kids like glass and for some good reasons sure but it can't be like this forever. She has her "cake and eat it to". He stays there at the house to keep the kids happy, help out around the house and raise the kids, cleans up does his part in exchange technically for room & board and not paying child support. Her friends are constantly telling her to get him out but she relies on his help so much, and being there allows him to be a big part of his kids life. So THAT part i understand I just want to be a part of it too. 1
Author Addictedtohim80 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 (edited) Oh I am the OP The reason his extended family (only his sister knows I have met her) is because his kids DON'T know and they don't want someone else saying something to the kids before he does. His extended family also knows that he's not WITH the exwife. That they are co-habitating and co-parenting but are letting the kids assume the relationship even though they sleep apart and never are together. So I guess my main question is are his concerns about protecting his almost teenaged kids from getting hurt if we were to break up valid this far into the relationship? I know the situation is NOT ideal in the least but I do believe he will tell them I just don't see the point in holding off I feel its only detrimental to his kids to keep putting it off. Whats he going to say? How are THEY going to feel about this "betrayal". He says he wants to see consistency in our relationship and I can see that, but I think we are past that point now. I don't know what MORE TIME will do at this point. I don't want to leave him at all. I don't want to lose him I just want him to understand where I am coming from. This is so hard. Edited March 27, 2017 by Addictedtohim80
Author Addictedtohim80 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 They are still together because their relationship and living together works for both of them. Among many other things, he has avoided the bulk of his living expenses (rent, alimony, child support, etc.). He also has greater access to his children. And most importantly, he and his ex-wife are there for each other whenever needed. I'm sorry, but why would he ever walk away from this arrangement, especially when he has a long-suffering girlfriend on the sidelines who is bending over backwards to accommodate this? This is going to continue indefinitely while he feeds you empty promises of telling his kids and moving out someday. All that ring shopping? Did all that activity and empty talk lead to a proposal and an actual ring on your finger? A concrete wedding date? Whenever you get frustrated with the status quo and put your foot down (and not even a saint could continue in limbo for this long), he'll claim that he can't trust that you won't end things and use that as additional ammunition to not acknowledge your existence to his kids and family. So he continues to have his cake and eat it (you and the ex-wife) while you walk on eggshells, choking down your needs and trying to be patient and understanding. You're the other woman in this triangle. It's been two and a half years. Think carefully about how many years you are willing to waste on this exercise in futility. Five? Seven? Ten? Longer? While you think about that, please read the threads in the Other man/Other woman forum. Yes, the ex-wife knows about you, but in all other respects the dynamic is much the same as being the other woman. I completely understand from an outside looking in how it sounds. Trust me I have taken a long hard look at it many times and YES some of our fights have been about the current arrangements. What benefit is it to carry on the struggle of having 2 lives ? It's a lot of work. As it is,he gets up at my place, leaves to go "home" and wake the kids get them up and drives them to school, he goes to their office and gets that open for business while she is home sleeping in, she comes in around 11, he leaves the office around 4:30 to get the kids ready for extra curricular activities or dinner, she comes home around 7 for dinner with the oldest after swim practise, they eat dinner he spends some time with them or goes to the gym and he's at my house for 9ish each night. To be honest if he lived with me the schedule would still be mostly the same. He wants to be there for his kids. I can't be upset at that. I WISH my Ex would put as much work into my kids as my BF does for his. So everyone thinks he's maliciously living a double life and I am doomed? And if today he goes ahead and tells his kids about us...then what?
lurker74 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 I'll try to make this short....it's been nearly three years... Yes you should meet them and you should meet them now. If not, you are likely in an endless loop from which you can never escape, in which case you should consider shielding your children from the relationship because it cannot last forever this way. 1
kendahke Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Stop enabling a situation that isn't working out for you. He's not invested in you any further than what accommodates his convenience. There is absolutely no reason why he is keeping you hidden other than he doesn't view you as a permanent fixture in his life. If his children are going to have a severely negative reaction to finding out about you, then he's going to do everything in his power to make sure you don't pop out into the light and cause hurt for them, hence his living a complete lie-by-omission. This might not fix itself by the time they are all 18 and off to college--this can continue on indefinitely. Are you prepared to squander your youth like that, being kept on hold indefinitely? Are you positive he's even got an executed divorce decree? Have you seen it or looked it up in the county court office?
kendahke Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 are his concerns about protecting his almost teenaged kids from getting hurt. This is what his concerns are period. No qualifiers pertaining to you. He's going to protect his children no matter if you get hurt in the process. And he should protect his children from unnecessary hurt. That's what parents do to the best of their abilities. If them realizing that their parents aren't ever going to get back together permanently will cause a tsunami of pain for them, he's going to do everything in his power to stem that tide.
preraph Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 You should stop worrying about him telling the kids and open your eyes wide and see if your relationship is really on solid ground or not. I mean, that comment about waiting until your relationship is going well isn't very encouraging. Is he happy? Are you happy? Do you feel he is still very glued to his wife? Does she seem to have influence over him? He may be thinking they'll get back together or something if they're working together okay. Just keep your eyes open. If it goes on too long and there's no further move with him towards a commitment with you, then you have the option to pull the plug or tell him you're no longer exclusive and begin dating others.
DaisyMae17 Posted April 2, 2017 Posted April 2, 2017 Looking in from the outside, it does sound like he's living 2 separate & distinct lives - 1 with you & your children & another with his ex-wife & their children - that he is unwilling to co-mingle. Do not concern yourself with the "then what?" or how his kids are going to feel towards him if & when he co-mingles these lives as you have no control over either one. You are only responsible for yourself & your children. Instead of expending more emotional & mental energy on things you have no say in, try focusing on how this whole 2 lives situation is affecting you & your kids. Consider taking some mental, emotional & physical steps away from him & the duality of his chosen life style to clarify the situation. Good luck.
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