Someone123 Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 (edited) Not sure if ''addiction & recovery'' better suits my situation and need for help, but here goes. I have broken up my 4 year relationship back in november 2016. main reason was that ''I needed to work on myself and love myself untill i could take care and really love someone else the way they deserve''. I truly believed what I said back then, still do to some point. But looking back, I realize I said that back then so I could further feed my addiction to Methylphenidate (Ritalin) without someone there to care about me, and destroy myself peacefully. I really hate life and all else it offers, since the only thing that I ever loved and was loved in return has now been destroyed by me. I needed her gone, so I thought, to get rid of my addiction. Now I realize that what I really need is her here to help me through it. But we decided to go no contact, especially on my part, so she could forget me and have the life she deserves, since she's in a good place in life right now, and I did not want to take that away from her. We haven't spoken since November 27th, so 4 months tomorrow. The words I hated so much back then are the ones I miss the most right now. The desperate calls for me to come to bed at 3am instead of wasting myself away at night, I used to hate them. Now I need them. I feel like I will die soon, my body has never been as bad as it is right now, every organ hurts usually, and I sleep very little. combined with early wakings for work, theyre destroying me very fast. I need to fix this by myself without anyone knowing about my addiction, just compassion and love is what I need, the rest I have to do myself. But I don't know how. I do know that I desperatly miss my ex-gf and feel like I need her right now, but I absolutly do not deserve her. I also dread calling her or texting her out of fear that she realized how useless I am and/or has already moved on. I don't know if I'm ranting or actually want advice, but all advice is welcome. I'm 21 years old, soon to be 22. she is 20, soon 21. if it matters at all. We were each others first love. and broke up in a mature way, I guess. We both loved each other very much still. I also made sure she knew this. Which was stupid to do, looking back. p.s; if someonne decides this more fits another section, please move it accordingly. thank you for reading Edited March 26, 2017 by Someone123
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