Author reeseyummy Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 Because he's rejecting you...so you want to know why. It's an old psych trick. Human nature means it can work, especially if the target is insecure. I agree. I am very insecure to start with... I should work on that. Usually in relationships I'm not that clingy, but yes when I sense something is not right, I turn into clingy and obsessed mode, and that just screws everything up. I found that talking it out made it better, better than obsessing over it, guessing and wandering, but in this case talking about it made it a lot worse. 1
Imajerk17 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) I am a guy reading this thread and I am boggled by some of the responses. This guy is EVIL and playing the OP?? Dafuq?? Ladies, I like you and all, but your responses read to me like Monsters Under The Bed thinking. Your take Is likely completely NOT what is happening, and it is NOT helpful to the OP. I think MikeJaz gave the most accurate assessment. Look OP, it sounds to me that you are dating a nice guy. He sounds to me as if he is a bit on the shy side. He perhaps could be a bit of a stronger leader, sure. You do need to give him some sign though, that you are interested yourself, more than you have been doing now. And...there isn't anything wrong going over to someone's house on a third date, it doesn't mean sex. It was how people used to date before the Internet and all. I mean, how many times in a row can you keep going out. Edited March 28, 2017 by Imajerk17
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Wow, I've never thought of it this way. I'd never thought of a guy would be so evil to plan this manipulation... But I've only met him 3 times so I really don't know what's going on in this person's head. It didn't seem like he's the manipulative kind? But I have no experience. He's not evil, he's just kind of a geezer who can't think of any other way to get laid. He heard of this method so he figured maybe he'd give it a shot, why not. (JMO. There ARE other possibilities - for example, he could just not be interested at all and you can't get him there, he may be gay, he may be socially awkward, it could be anything but he does seem to have this silly "pull back and make her insecure" M.O. that is shining through.) Keeping your distance sounds right to me since all this is making you so insecure. It's just not really panning out. See other people.
Veb Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 He already told you what you need to know: - he is the dominant male - "it is all about 'trust', 50 shades of Grey - his actions are those of him training you to be a 'sub'. He is the 'dom' Are you into being a sub? Google what it means ASAP! If you are into that scene, then his actions should not be a surprise to you. Find out what he wants you to be! I would have told him we are not compatible as soon as he said he is the dominant male (Dom/sub) and started to mention 'trust'. Keywords! Google them! If you are ok with that then keep seeing him. I would run, because it's not my scene. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I am a guy reading this thread and I am boggled by some of the responses. This guy is EVIL and playing the OP?? Dafuq?? Ladies, I like you and all, but your responses read to me like Monsters Under The Bed thinking. Your take Is likely completely NOT what is happening, and it is NOT helpful to the OP. I think MikeJaz gave the most accurate assessment. Look OP, it sounds to me that you are dating a nice guy. He sounds to me as if he is a bit on the shy side. He perhaps could be a bit of a stronger leader, sure. You do need to give him some sign though, that you are interested yourself, more than you have been doing now. And...there isn't anything wrong going over to someone's house on a third date, it doesn't mean sex. It was how people used to date before the Internet and all. I mean, how many times in a row can you keep going out. 1. I didn't say he's evil and I don't think he's evil. I think he just doesn't know how else to get laid so he's trying this. 2. He's a "nice," "shy" guy who states he is "the dominant male" and wants to control things in order to create a 50 Shades relationship, and he's not sure he's interested but he'll know better if the OP comes to his apartment?...and then proceeds to ignore the OP for two days? Where do nice OR shy fit into all this? Is there actually a "shy" way to announce that you are a dom, intimate you want to groom a sub and that she should come to his apartment...when he's ready? That's an interesting take, that's all I have to say.
Imajerk17 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) Oh wait...I somehow missed the 50 Shades comment my first read through...yeah that was weird. It kind of changes everything. Maybe you all were right and I was the one mistaken. (I like to take charge too. But I can admit when I may be wrong ) Edited March 28, 2017 by Imajerk17
Jj66 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I can admit when I may be wrong A valuable trait in a man, or so I'm told My first take was nice guy pretending he is a dom. He either is, with all its implications, or he isn't which reeks of insecurity. But what the hell do I know. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 A valuable trait in a man, or so I'm told My first take was nice guy pretending he is a dom. He either is, with all its implications, or he isn't which reeks of insecurity. But what the hell do I know. Hmm...why would a nice guy pretend to be a dom? If the intent is to lie in this way in order to manipulate the woman's interest or responses, then he's not a nice guy. He's a lying manipulator trying to trick the woman into giving him something. (Her body, I'm guessing.) I wouldn't place that in "nice guy" territory. There may be some other reason to pretend to be into BDSM, I guess, but I don't know what that would be. It would still be a lie in any case, and the intent would more likely than not be to trick the woman into doing something the guy would want so...still not a nice guy.
preraph Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 He says he's a dominant male? All talk and no action sounds like wishful thinking to me. Maybe that's just the kind of porn he likes and he is actually a virgin. I would say more info needed and actions need to add up. 1
Author reeseyummy Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 He already told you what you need to know: - he is the dominant male - "it is all about 'trust', 50 shades of Grey - his actions are those of him training you to be a 'sub'. He is the 'dom' Are you into being a sub? Google what it means ASAP! If you are into that scene, then his actions should not be a surprise to you. Find out what he wants you to be! I would have told him we are not compatible as soon as he said he is the dominant male (Dom/sub) and started to mention 'trust'. Keywords! Google them! If you are ok with that then keep seeing him. I would run, because it's not my scene. I've never been a sub, but I know I would like to. In my previous relationships I was the leader, but I didn't want to be. Now that he's telling me straight away and with action he shows he's leading the way, I'm glad and want to be a sub. I've googled Dom/sub, and found some disturbing stuff like spanking, ropes, and I told him those things scare me, and I think it's insulting to women. He says he's not into that, and thinks it's more "roleplaying" in the bedroom. However I real life he says we will talk about it, when it is Dom/sub, and when it's not. He says he completely ok with whatever, he just says he likes to be in control in the bedroom. It was intriguing, and I thought it might be ok for me mentioning 50 shades of grey after our 1st date, he just wanted to know that the girl he's interested in dating won't be opposed to the idea. He hasn't contacted me so far after the awkward talk last night. but it hasn't been too long after that, so I'm patiently waiting... I still can't figure either he's shady, or he just wants to respect my space. I'm feeling he wants to respect my space more, he says due to his experience (he's been with about 10 gfs) if kiss on 1st date will scare me off, but he wanted to try something on the 3rd date, where I unintentionally decline. But my question is, if he wanted to do something, holding hands or kissing isn't just limited in a apartment. We were at a park, though with people around, there's clearly many chances of that. But then again, I'm being distant to him, not showing enough affection for him to go for it.. Ugh, just still pretty confused, and wondering what he thinks of me now.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 You don't seem attracted to him as a person...you mentioned that "wall" where you don't want him to touch you. If you want to explore BDSM, I think there are sites for that?
TheBathWater Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 So... An update. I actually just asked him if he felt anything with me. Am I a friend or what? He said he doesn't know yet, he says we get along well but he can't tell becuase nothing has happened yet. He wanted to check if we had that chemistry by inviting me to his apartment that day, which he says I've hinted that I wanted to see his place. (Although I really have no idea I did) he was confused that I seemed to ignore his invite. For me, going to a guys place is too much for the 3rd date. Going to a guys place indicates sex, and I don't want to rush that. He says for him it doesn't actually mean sex, but can lead to other intimacy, which was what he was hoping that would happen. I feel extremely embarrassed and I thought his response was kind of cold. It was more like, "ok, yea so we misunderstood each other. Fine, ok. " I feel like the ball is in his court, and I can either wait for him to inciate contact, or just get prepared to move on if he hasn't contacted me in 2 days. Gosh I wish I could turn back time. I'm starting to think he's just not very smooth. Does he seem experienced with women?
Author reeseyummy Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 Oh wait...I somehow missed the 50 Shades comment my first read through...yeah that was weird. It kind of changes everything. Maybe you all were right and I was the one mistaken. (I like to take charge too. But I can admit when I may be wrong ) Haha, I admit saying he's into 50 shades was sooo weird after the 1st date. So I think I'm more alert and careful with this person, especially when he asked to go to his apartment, I may be naive but I still know how to protect myself. The reason why he mentioned 50 shades and I still went out with him is becuase of his honesty and how explained 50 shades. If didn't seem like tie-you-up and toss you like garbage kind, it sort of just felt like he likes to be the one in charge. And for me, that's a huge turn-on, plus he was attentive and cares about the little things I say(and remembers the small details) so I affections grew. My question is, being the dominate male(taking care of stuff) is generally a type of guy behavior, which is quite common for all men. Him mentioning 50 shades is kind of weird though......
Author reeseyummy Posted March 28, 2017 Author Posted March 28, 2017 (edited) I'm starting to think he's just not very smooth. Does he seem experienced with women? He doesn't "seem" experienced, but he has around 10 gfs so far. (He's 38, he says that's a reasonable number) I'd say he plans the date well, and doesn't try anything wierd, just being quite easygoing and gentleman. Maybe that's why I am confused he's not interested, guys I've been out with would at least "hint" a bit. Those who didn't just wasn't interested, but hes both, interested by conversation, but physically not yet..? Edited March 28, 2017 by reeseyummy
lionlover1973 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 On our 3rd date, we ate at a restaurant and had a long walk. He still hasn't made a move on me. He said he's the dominate male, he even mentioned 50 shades of grey..he says it's all about trust Hmmm. Maybe he is grooming you. (that is what the male character did in the movie) Or, he needs your 'written consent' first. . Let's assume he is just shy or he is being respectful. However, this part: He wanted to check if we had that chemistry by inviting me to his apartment that day is interesting... That piece of information is suggestive of someone who is, well, not so 'shy'. Be vwewy quiet … he's hunting wabbits. 1
olivetree Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 If after three dates a guy basically said he didn't know if he was interested in me, I would lose all interest. And sorry, but that is such a turn off that he needs to "check" if he feels anything by bringing you back to his apartment. Set your standards higher, girl! 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Haha, I admit saying he's into 50 shades was sooo weird after the 1st date. So I think I'm more alert and careful with this person, especially when he asked to go to his apartment, I may be naive but I still know how to protect myself. The reason why he mentioned 50 shades and I still went out with him is becuase of his honesty and how explained 50 shades. If didn't seem like tie-you-up and toss you like garbage kind, it sort of just felt like he likes to be the one in charge. And for me, that's a huge turn-on, plus he was attentive and cares about the little things I say(and remembers the small details) so I affections grew. My question is, being the dominate male(taking care of stuff) is generally a type of guy behavior, which is quite common for all men. Him mentioning 50 shades is kind of weird though...... AFAIK, there's a lot more to being the dominant individual in a BDSM association than just taking care of things or taking charge in general. You may want to look into this a bit more. Who knows, it may be for you. But you said you just don't really feel attraction for him, right? So...why, with this guy? If you have discovered you may have this desire shouldn't you explore it with someone you want/are attracted to? It's not about the guy taking the menu out of your hands at dinner and saying "the lady will have..." or filling your gas tank or something. Generally sex/sexual/intimate/physical pleasure IS involved heavily so you can't say "well, this daddy type of guy I can't imagine sleeping with would be the perfect BDSM partner." At some point you're going to have to see him in chaps. (Or whatever his "roleplaying" entails...) It almost sounds to me like you're trying to talk yourself into being with this guy even though you're not turned on by him. Why? Have you asked yourself this question? Are you just afraid of being alone?
Imajerk17 Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 1. I didn't say he's evil and I don't think he's evil. I think he just doesn't know how else to get laid so he's trying this. 2. He's a "nice," "shy" guy who states he is "the dominant male" and wants to control things in order to create a 50 Shades relationship, and he's not sure he's interested but he'll know better if the OP comes to his apartment?...and then proceeds to ignore the OP for two days? Where do nice OR shy fit into all this? Is there actually a "shy" way to announce that you are a dom, intimate you want to groom a sub and that she should come to his apartment...when he's ready? That's an interesting take, that's all I have to say. Acknowledged @CaliforniaGirl. You are right. I now agree w your take more than my original take. When I wrote my first post, I somehow had completely missed that the guy had brought up 50 Shades on the first date. That fact changes everything. 1
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Acknowledged @CaliforniaGirl. I now agree w your take more than my original take. When I wrote my first post, I had completely missed that the guy had brought up 50 Shades on the first date. That fact changes everything. Oh, I see. Thanks for clarifying, this makes sense. I'd have probably thought something similar if not for all the 50 Shades stuff, the obvious pullbacks and all that.
RecentChange Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 Alright I admit that I am far from immersed in the BDSM culture, but I have a bit of experience with Dom/sub play in the bedroom (and how it affects outside of the bedroom dynamics). First, I have heard that 50 shades (I have never watched/read it) is a terrible example and really not what BDSM is about. Dominant men do not necessarily need a women who is just going to roll over and play sub - many like the challenge of an assertive female (as long as everything leads to consenting fun!) If he is really into BDSM play in the bedroom - most would put spanking well within the realm of vanilla - if he is referencing 50 - I don't know that this guy would really be satisfied with vanilla sex. He may not be telling you the whole story for fear of scaring you off. From what you have told us, this guy does not strike me as Dom at all. Dominant men are usually very clear in their actions. They are assertive. They command respect not confusion. I do think his behavior is making you feel insecure - which again is counter productive to a Dom/ sub relationship which is based upon extreme trust and mutual respect. 1
Medsop Posted March 28, 2017 Posted March 28, 2017 I've been seeing a guy 10 years older than me. I am 28 and he is 38. He's mature, a gentleman, and attentive. And says he will be patient in order to build a strong relationship, which, is a huge turn-on. We've been on 3 dates, message each other every day, a little bit flirty with each other, but not too much. I am starting to like him. The 1st and 2nd date went on well, but he didn't "make a move" on me. And I think that's okay, taking it slow is fine. I can sort of feel the attraction between us, but sometimes also not so sure. I feel like it takes time to know this person, and he is "observing". He clearly states that we are going on a "date", not just hanging out. On our 3rd date, we ate at a restaurant and had a long walk. He still hasn't made a move on me. I think I expected he probably would want to hold my hand, or some sort, well, something. Is he not interested? Or is this attraction dying off? What do you guys think? He is probably shy like me and would need to be in the right environment to make a move. Like a romantic atmosphere with you and him sitting together.
SevenCity Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 He is probably shy like me and would need to be in the right environment to make a move. Like a romantic atmosphere with you and him sitting together. Surprisingly, some guys will be like this, probably more than I think. They don't feel comfortable with PDA. Op - did you mention to him how you were the leader in your previous RLs and how you didn't like it? If so, this could have caused him to pretend to be a leader because he likes you. He could be shy and introverted and just not comfortable making a move. I don't see him being clever enough to try and train you into being a sub. He doesn't sound evil or manipulative from what you've said. Take advice here with a grain of salt - no one knows him like you do. Don't let angry people here ruin a potential good RL with a nice guy. Just keep your eyes open.
RecentChange Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 I have a hard time reconciling shy and Dom. One makes his desires known, leads, assertive, clear. The other is a bit too timid to make their desire known. Guy is a mystery, I'll give you that. 2
Author reeseyummy Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 Surprisingly, some guys will be like this, probably more than I think. They don't feel comfortable with PDA. Op - did you mention to him how you were the leader in your previous RLs and how you didn't like it? If so, this could have caused him to pretend to be a leader because he likes you. He could be shy and introverted and just not comfortable making a move. I don't see him being clever enough to try and train you into being a sub. He doesn't sound evil or manipulative from what you've said. Take advice here with a grain of salt - no one knows him like you do. Don't let angry people here ruin a potential good RL with a nice guy. Just keep your eyes open. He doesn't seem shy, he seems quite experienced and should know when to make a move. I agree he isn't that desperate to train me into a sub, he could just move on to the next girl actually.,... He just msged me and I think I'll see how he replies tmr, maybe we will still go out once and see,, After so many opinions and ideas, I think I'm quite surprised how people are so willing to help out. I think I'll give this guy a chance, but also be aware of all the shady stuff too...
Author reeseyummy Posted April 3, 2017 Author Posted April 3, 2017 So...... an update. I was away for the weekend, and we chatted a little here and there while I was away. He's a bit standoff-ish on msg, and doesn't get some of my msg jokes. OK, I can take that because sometimes it's hard to detect sarcasm on msg. But he was kind of rude, and called me a "princess" and a "prude", he misunderstood my msges and thought I was confronting him. It was a joke obviously.. He admitted he's not good at detecting jokes on msg, and apologized. Now, after that he was alright, we had light jokes, and he asked was I back in town the night I told him I was going to be back. He asked if I was free the very next day to hang out, if I wasn't tired from the traveling. I said okay we can hang out, but I had to cancel on him because I had a bad cold and literally didn't feel well the next day. He was alright with it and we msged a lot chatting. I think we will reschedule on the weekend, if I feel better by then. I'm thinking, I'm going to give this person another chance. He really is a bit of a mystery, I think I need to know him more to actually decide. Thanks guys, for the advice.
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