If you like a girl, would you "make a move" on the 3rd date?

[reeseyummy]

I've been seeing a guy 10 years older than me.

I am 28 and he is 38.

He's mature, a gentleman, and attentive.

And says he will be patient in order to build a strong relationship, which, is a huge turn-on.

 

We've been on 3 dates, message each other every day, a little bit flirty with each other, but not too much. I am starting to like him.

 

The 1st and 2nd date went on well, but he didn't "make a move" on me. And I think that's okay, taking it slow is fine. I can sort of feel the attraction between us, but sometimes also not so sure. I feel like it takes time to know this person, and he is "observing". He clearly states that we are going on a "date", not just hanging out.

 

On our 3rd date, we ate at a restaurant and had a long walk.

He still hasn't made a move on me. I think I expected he probably would want to hold my hand, or some sort, well, something.

 

Is he not interested? Or is this attraction dying off?

What do you guys think?

[smackie9]

Hah I grabbed and kissed my husband on our first date.

[smackie9]

I've been seeing a guy 10 years older than me.

I am 28 and he is 38.

He's mature, a gentleman, and attentive.

And says he will be patient in order to build a strong relationship, which, is a huge turn-on.

 

We've been on 3 dates, message each other every day, a little bit flirty with each other, but not too much. I am starting to like him.

 

The 1st and 2nd date went on well, but he didn't "make a move" on me. And I think that's okay, taking it slow is fine. I can sort of feel the attraction between us, but sometimes also not so sure. I feel like it takes time to know this person, and he is "observing". He clearly states that we are going on a "date", not just hanging out.

 

On our 3rd date, we ate at a restaurant and had a long walk.

He still hasn't made a move on me. I think I expected he probably would want to hold my hand, or some sort, well, something.

 

Is he not interested? Or is this attraction dying off?

What do you guys think?

You are not giving him the right signals.....you need to dress sexy and be very passionate, flirty, touchy feely if you want any action out of this guy.

[Gr8fuln2020]

If I feel there is mutual, physical, emotional chemistry, I make my move on the 1st date. Why wait?

[act00]

Have you touched him at all? Touch him while talking?

 

I don't know what's going on in this guy's head, but my thought is maybe he has no indication from you that you are open to it? The topic came up in conversation, so what was said? Did you express something that makes him think he needs to be really careful about moving too fast? Did he say anything that would make you think he has a need to take things super slow?

 

Next time you go out on a date, YOU make a move. Wrap your arm around his while you're walking. Touch his shoulder, his arm or something. If you touch him, you're giving him the green light to take it further. If he does not respond or reciprocate, you have to start wondering if this relationship is going to move forward. By date three, I'd be really disappointed. You'd think if he liked you enough for three dates, there's something there, but not even a hand hold? I don't know.

 

I had a 1st date last night. There was a little bit of touching, just a quick touch on a knee or something. I felt like we hit it off, and I wanted to hold his hand or touch him more, but I held back in case he didn't feel the same, which I thought he did, but you never know . (In talking to him later, he expressed the same) As we were leaving, he was walking me to my car, and I wrapped my arm around his. I got a hug and a kiss. So maybe you make a move first. It can be a small gesture, but it lets him know you're open to it.

[reeseyummy]

Have you touched him at all? Touch him while talking?

 

I don't know what's going on in this guy's head, but my thought is maybe he has no indication from you that you are open to it? The topic came up in conversation, so what was said? Did you express something that makes him think he needs to be really careful about moving too fast? Did he say anything that would make you think he has a need to take things super slow?

 

I really didn't touch him at all... He said he's the dominate male, he even mentioned 50 shades of grey. Though not in a bad way, he says it's all about trust, and he wants to build a relationship, not just sex. He told me this after our 1st date, he said he prefers to be honest with the girl he's dating. I think it's blunt and I'm fine with that, although a little shocked because this is the 1st time ever a guy says that to me. I told him I'm a little shocked and nervous about it, maybe that's why he says he will be patient.

 

 

Next time you go out on a date, YOU make a move. Wrap your arm around his while you're walking. Touch his shoulder, his arm or something. If you touch him, you're giving him the green light to take it further. If he does not respond or reciprocate, you have to start wondering if this relationship is going to move forward. By date three, I'd be really disappointed. You'd think if he liked you enough for three dates, there's something there, but not even a hand hold? I don't know.

 

yea, I assumed "some" touching. We were at a crowded place and when I said I am too short to see through the crowd, he sort of tried to lift me. That was the only action I got. Does that count... as a move?? I was a bit taken by surprise by it though. It was a cold day so my hands were in my pockets almost the whole time... Maybe my body language is too cold..

 

I hope he messages me throughout the week, and asks me out on a 4th date... I feel like I need a 4th date with him to see if he's really interested, or I'm K.O. on this 3rd date.

Edited March 26, 2017 by reeseyummy

[TheBathWater]

My sister's husband didn't make a move on her until their fourth or fifth date. She was actually about to give up on him because of it. I guess good things come to those who wait.

 

As long as you're interested, and as long as he keeps asking you out, keep going with it.

[Gr8fuln2020]

My sister's husband didn't make a move on her until their fourth or fifth date. She was actually about to give up on him because of it. I guess good things come to those who wait.

 

As long as you're interested, and as long as he keeps asking you out, keep going with it.

 

The opposite is true as well in this case. Your sister almost gave up. It sounds more like, he got lucky he didn't wait too long.

 

OP, yeah, go with it, but some ladies will begin to have doubts about your interest if you don't become at least touchy.

[act00]

No, it doesn't count as a move. YOU need to make a move, open up your body language. Wrap your arm around his and lean in for some body heat while you're standing there in the cold. This would say, I'm totally okay with some affection.

 

I don't understand the "dominant" thing and I can't use 50 Shades in context, as I never read it. I heard it was abusive, and I divorced abuse. I'm highly sensitive in this context, and if he is the "dom" and if you are "not allowed" to take the lead or show affection, and he he is withholding affection as part of his dominance "game", I would be out the door on this romance, like fast.

[reeseyummy]

No, it doesn't count as a move. YOU need to make a move, open up your body language. Wrap your arm around his and lean in for some body heat while you're standing there in the cold. This would say, I'm totally okay with some affection.

 

I meant, was that "his" move? Trying for some physical contact?

I would definitely take your advice and make a move myself, if.. i get a 4th date...

 

I don't understand the "dominant" thing and I can't use 50 Shades in context, as I never read it. I heard it was abusive, and I divorced abuse. I'm highly sensitive in this context, and if he is the "dom" and if you are "not allowed" to take the lead or show affection, and he he is withholding affection as part of his dominance "game", I would be out the door on this romance, like fast.

 

I don't understand it either, but he stated pretty clearly that it's only when 2 people are both comfortable. I don't think he is withholding affection to play games with me, I feel like he's pretty flexible, but then again, I don't understand "dom" either, so I can't be sure. Maybe that's the reason I feel like I need to be careful, so I'm a bit guarding up myself from him...? Or... is this a instinct thing? Maybe he is a lunatic... ?

[Arieswoman]

What's the rush?

 

Get to know this guy.

 

Smile, touch his hand, slowly develop a connection. Schedule a date where you can maybe hold hands and get a bit closer.

 

IMO the best relationships start slowly.

 

Good luck

[GemmaUK]

He hasn't even held your hand yet?

Have you tried to hold his?

 

Do you two flirt at all or is this just a friends thing?

[reeseyummy]

He hasn't even held your hand yet?

Have you tried to hold his?

 

Do you two flirt at all or is this just a friends thing?

 

No, he hasn't held my hand yet. I think I might be a little uptight on body language. We hugged at the end of the date, but that hug was a little platonic kind of hug I guess. When we are out I enjoy everything he says and I laugh at his jokes a lot, there's is not obvious flirting, just a tiny bit teasing, kinda like 3,4 out of 10 if you put it on a scale.

 

The flirting and teasing is more by text message I guess, he's very attentive and I find myself looking forward to his messages. But when I see him in person, he's all cool and not that flirty? Neither am I that flirt in person either.... So the 3rd date I kind of felt like, ok... Did you just want to hang out? I can't get a hold of what he wants!

 

Btw, 3rd day is lunch and a walk, it lasted about 3,4 hours, and I think there were a couple moments when he tries to lean in closer, showing me stuff. But when he walks he isn't walking close (usually with guys I find them walking close, and has that stare on you, you know he's looking) I'm just confused has he decided I'm just a friend material on this 3rd date?

[Versacehottie]

sounds like he is trying to be respectful and respond to your signals. Give him some!! hurry before the whole thing turns into a snore for the both of you. Don't lose momentum

[smackie9]

No, it doesn't count as a move. YOU need to make a move, open up your body language. Wrap your arm around his and lean in for some body heat while you're standing there in the cold. This would say, I'm totally okay with some affection.

 

I don't understand the "dominant" thing and I can't use 50 Shades in context, as I never read it. I heard it was abusive, and I divorced abuse. I'm highly sensitive in this context, and if he is the "dom" and if you are "not allowed" to take the lead or show affection, and he he is withholding affection as part of his dominance "game", I would be out the door on this romance, like fast.

Ya this was my feeling too....I like a guy that is romantic and affectionate to show he desires me....make me feel sexy and appreciated. This on the other hand feels cold and calculating...not for me.

[MikeJaz]

I've been seeing a guy 10 years older than me.

I am 28 and he is 38.

He's mature, a gentleman, and attentive.

And says he will be patient in order to build a strong relationship, which, is a huge turn-on.

 

We've been on 3 dates, message each other every day, a little bit flirty with each other, but not too much. I am starting to like him.

 

The 1st and 2nd date went on well, but he didn't "make a move" on me. And I think that's okay, taking it slow is fine. I can sort of feel the attraction between us, but sometimes also not so sure. I feel like it takes time to know this person, and he is "observing". He clearly states that we are going on a "date", not just hanging out.

 

On our 3rd date, we ate at a restaurant and had a long walk.

He still hasn't made a move on me. I think I expected he probably would want to hold my hand, or some sort, well, something.

 

Is he not interested? Or is this attraction dying off?

What do you guys think?

 

He may just be pretty passive like me. One of the girls I've dated on the second date kept bumping into me as we were walking down the river. Eventually I just grabbed her hand and she said she really liked that. But if she wasn't """""accidentally""""" bumping into me I probably wouldn't have.

 

Same goes for this other girl I dated. Second date and she was giving me a tour of her campus. However she wasn't really giving me the green lights. In the end I never grabbed her hand (which I still very much regret) which I believe ultimately killed her interest. Either that or the fact that she was 18 and I'm 24 and her sister found out lol.

 

 

Sometimes you just need to give him the right signals so he feels it is appropriate to make a move.

[reeseyummy]

So... An update.

 

I actually just asked him if he felt anything with me. Am I a friend or what?

He said he doesn't know yet, he says we get along well but he can't tell becuase nothing has happened yet. He wanted to check if we had that chemistry by inviting me to his apartment that day, which he says I've hinted that I wanted to see his place. (Although I really have no idea I did) he was confused that I seemed to ignore his invite.

 

For me, going to a guys place is too much for the 3rd date. Going to a guys place indicates sex, and I don't want to rush that. He says for him it doesn't actually mean sex, but can lead to other intimacy, which was what he was hoping that would happen.

 

I feel extremely embarrassed and I thought his response was kind of cold. It was more like, "ok, yea so we misunderstood each other. Fine, ok. "

 

I feel like the ball is in his court, and I can either wait for him to inciate contact, or just get prepared to move on if he hasn't contacted me in 2 days.

Gosh I wish I could turn back time.

[MikeJaz]

So... An update.

 

I actually just asked him if he felt anything with me. Am I a friend or what?

He said he doesn't know yet, he says we get along well but he can't tell becuase nothing has happened yet. He wanted to check if we had that chemistry by inviting me to his apartment that day, which he says I've hinted that I wanted to see his place. (Although I really have no idea I did) he was confused that I seemed to ignore his invite.

 

For me, going to a guys place is too much for the 3rd date. Going to a guys place indicates sex, and I don't want to rush that. He says for him it doesn't actually mean sex, but can lead to other intimacy, which was what he was hoping that would happen.

 

I feel extremely embarrassed and I thought his response was kind of cold. It was more like, "ok, yea so we misunderstood each other. Fine, ok. "

 

I feel like the ball is in his court, and I can either wait for him to inciate contact, or just get prepared to move on if he hasn't contacted me in 2 days.

Gosh I wish I could turn back time.

 

Isn't it technically the 4th date? The ball is in his court, what? He invited you over to his place to either yes have sex or just spend intimate time together which may just end up kissing. But you ignored his invite, don't give him many signals if any at all and expect him to feel more for you and that the ball is still in his hands? In my eyes it just seems like you aren't interested. Which is probably why he said "he didn't know yet".

 

Granted take this with a grain of salt since I am not expert at dating.

[CaliforniaGirl]

So... An update.

 

I actually just asked him if he felt anything with me. Am I a friend or what?

He said he doesn't know yet, he says we get along well but he can't tell becuase nothing has happened yet. He wanted to check if we had that chemistry by inviting me to his apartment that day, which he says I've hinted that I wanted to see his place. (Although I really have no idea I did) he was confused that I seemed to ignore his invite.

 

For me, going to a guys place is too much for the 3rd date. Going to a guys place indicates sex, and I don't want to rush that. He says for him it doesn't actually mean sex, but can lead to other intimacy, which was what he was hoping that would happen.

 

I feel extremely embarrassed and I thought his response was kind of cold. It was more like, "ok, yea so we misunderstood each other. Fine, ok. "

 

I feel like the ball is in his court, and I can either wait for him to inciate contact, or just get prepared to move on if he hasn't contacted me in 2 days.

Gosh I wish I could turn back time.

 

Yup. He is playing you.

 

He is trying to get you wondering and in the vulnerable position of having to outright ask if he's interested. Once you have done that, now he pulls back further to make you feel even more insecure. (And it's working!!!) Now you're insecure, which means you're more likely to do what he says once he finally throws a crumb at you.

 

Since you're wondering and uncomfortable your eyes are always on him, like a dog wondering what its master's next command will be.

 

Now that he has positioned you, he is able to make that ridiculous statement about only being able to see if there is chemistry if you're both in his apartment. LOL!

 

Then he continues to have you insecure about your attractiveness by still breezily saying nothing might happen at all.

 

He wants you to the point of ripping his clothes off and begging for it on your knees just to get him to react somehow and hence prove your own attractiveness to yourself since he is making you feel meh/not particularly wanted.

 

I had my suspicions with the lame 50 Shades reference but now with this new info it's pretty clear. He wants you lowered to the point of begging for scraps. "Trust" my azz.

 

He doesn't even do 50 Shades right. I'll bet you're his first attempt.

 

Yeah, nope. Flush.

[smackie9]

uggghhhh throw him back!

[Jj66]

Edit: Wrote this before I read rhe rest of the thread.

 

To me it's all a dance. It requires two people to give alternating signals of interest and receptivity. If a woman held back not showing clear interest and attraction I don't know if I would ever "make a move" but if I am interested and she's signalling a willingness to dance with me, I don't wait. It doesnt matter if it's out first date or 8th or even if we just met by chance 10 minutes ago.

 

Example from current r/s:

 

First date while sitting on a couch at a wine bar I knew she was attracted ao I kissed her then I pulled away. I said very cockily, "Now you dont have to wonder whether I am going to kiss you or not" I smiled, she appeared receptive so I kissed her again. She bit my lower lip very gently. Talk about receptive. I already knew I was going to ask for a second date before the kissing, but after that kiss I almost couldn't wait for the next date. When I walked her to her car we held hands and arranged for a second date. I kissed her gentlemanly and then went home alone.

 

Second date, I had her drive to my place since it was [intentionally] on the way, then I drove us the rest of the way to our event. (She told me later she was hesitant but she liked me so she agreed to meet me there). Afterward, I invited her inside for a glass of wine. She accepted. We began making out on my couch (of course). She was caressing my leg dangerously close to Mr. Happy but I could tell she was holding back waiting for me to escalate. The second my hand went on her breast she took that as a signal to go ahead and touch me there.

 

I didn't know how far things would go when I invited her in but I knew we would be at least doing some heavy smooching and I was ok with whatever happened. I took the lead but I followed her receptivity cues. Just like dancing, don't twirl a girl who doesn't want to spin. In retrospect, I was probably a little too slow putting my hand on her breast. But usually better to be too slow than too fast.

[preraph]

This may just be a product of a different generation. In my day, we had one generation we called "the bad batch" because they were so backwards socially and sexually. He's probably just operating on fear and social anxiety.

[reeseyummy]

But you ignored his invite, don't give him many signals if any at all and expect him to feel more for you and that the ball is still in his hands? In my eyes it just seems like you aren't interested. Which is probably why he said "he didn't know yet".

 

You're right, I've actually also thought am I physically not attracted to him? I feel the urge but when I'm near him I feel a bit blocked in some way? Just not as flirty as I would with other same aged guys, I feel like he is more mature, and different than the guys I've dated so I don't how to react "date-flirty" to him?

 

Am I just really not physically interested?

Then why am I obsessing over him now?

[CaliforniaGirl]

You're right, I've actually also thought am I physically not attracted to him? I feel the urge but when I'm near him I feel a bit blocked in some way? Just not as flirty as I would with other same aged guys, I feel like he is more mature, and different than the guys I've dated so I don't how to react "date-flirty" to him?

 

Am I just really not physically interested?

Then why am I obsessing over him now?

 

Because he's rejecting you...so you want to know why.

 

It's an old psych trick. Human nature means it can work, especially if the target is insecure.

[reeseyummy]

Yup. He is playing you.

 

He is trying to get you wondering and in the vulnerable position of having to outright ask if he's interested. Once you have done that, now he pulls back further to make you feel even more insecure. (And it's working!!!) Now you're insecure, which means you're more likely to do what he says once he finally throws a crumb at you.

 

Since you're wondering and uncomfortable your eyes are always on him, like a dog wondering what its master's next command will be.

 

Now that he has positioned you, he is able to make that ridiculous statement about only being able to see if there is chemistry if you're both in his apartment. LOL!

 

Then he continues to have you insecure about your attractiveness by still breezily saying nothing might happen at all.

 

He wants you to the point of ripping his clothes off and begging for it on your knees just to get him to react somehow and hence prove your own attractiveness to yourself since he is making you feel meh/not particularly wanted.

 

I had my suspicions with the lame 50 Shades reference but now with this new info it's pretty clear. He wants you lowered to the point of begging for scraps. "Trust" my azz.

 

He doesn't even do 50 Shades right. I'll bet you're his first attempt.

 

Yeah, nope. Flush.

 

Wow, I've never thought of it this way. I'd never thought of a guy would be so evil to plan this manipulation... But I've only met him 3 times so I really don't know what's going on in this person's head. It didn't seem like he's the manipulative kind? But I have no experience.

 

I think the best way is for me to keep distance from now on.. See how he reacts. I still kind of like the guy, if he's not manipulative, he might think I'm needy and desperate, which is very undesirable.... He may have lost all interest in me.

 

On the other hand, if he still thinks it can be something( and not in a hey she'll do whatever I want now- way) I'm hoping he will ease off the awkwardness, and sort of hangout again.

 

But yeah, I'm definitely going to be careful now, since I'm in such a vulnerable position, and this person is indeed kind of tacky in some way probably, but my gut tells me not to judge so soon...

 

You guys have great insight, thank you all for that

Edited March 28, 2017 by reeseyummy