Electrogrrl Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 My b/f and I have been having some problems lately (as anyone of you who've read my posts will know). Last night we were having an argument because I'm really beginning to feel like he's just not that into me anymore. It's usually me that tries to be affectionate with him lately. He almost never initiates stuff like that anymore (he says this is because there's a time and place for everything and I always get that wrong--he's not a particularly affectionate or emotional person though). But it seems like every time I try and tell him something about the way I feel, he thinks I am attacking him. Should I just keep my feelings to myself? Or write them down? Talk to a friend about it or what? I guess I always thought that if you were in a relationship with someone you should be able to talk about that kind of stuff and be open about what you're feeling (even if it's not always positive) but any mention of the word "feel" or "feelings" and his guard is up and he's ready to fight. Well I told him that I felt frustrated and sad about this aspect of our relationship last night, and he came back with "what selfless thing have you done for me lately?" I don't really keep track of what I do for him, so I was a bit taken aback by this question. And everything that I came up with he shot down. Like a couple weekends ago, I took him on a date to the botanical gardens cause I thought he'd really enjoy it, as he likes nature (and he did enjoy it) but he said that because I had been wanting to go myself, that the date wasn't really for him. I also bought a really nice bottle of wine and some great food for dinner last night as a thanks for taking my dog to the vet when I couldn't get the time off of work, but he said that was also for me too! So my question is, what is something I can do for him that is totally selfless? Could it be that I am so self absorbed that I don't even know what a selfless thing to do is? I am so confused and I just want to be a better girlfriend.
A Fly onThe Wall Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 I had a girlfriend that I felt the same way your BF feels.. I felt that she was too selfish and OUR relationship revolved around her and her life. She was a twin and was used to being spoiled by her dad.. I couldn't compete I never was able to get it thru her head that I was only looking for the little things.. ie: hand rubs or something little that I would know I was important to her. Try the little things..
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Have you just simply asked him what he would like you to do? Tell him you can't read his mind and don't expect him to read yours.
Author Electrogrrl Posted July 27, 2005 Author Posted July 27, 2005 MWC: Yeah, I did ask him what he wanted me to do, but I got no answer, only more arguing and with the same question--which made me wonder if he was just saying that to fight or if he really meant it. It feels like I am just going to have to play guessing games until I get it right. A Fly on the Wall: I think I do little things for him. I give him massages all the time, last week I cleaned his apartment cause it was trashed and I didn't want him to come home from work to a total mess (and no, it was not my mess ) One time I went to an out of the way liquor store to get his favorite beer from England cause he was homesick. I thought those were small things. I'm pretty much out of ideas on small things though. Maybe the problem is I don't do them frequently enough?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 He sounds like an ass. What does he do for you? Maybe he wants BJ.
d'Arthez Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Electrogrrl Maybe the problem is I don't do them frequently enough? And maybe the problem is, is that he believes he has the right to a personal assitant, with all the benefits that come with your presence, without having to undertake any work to make the relationship work? A relationship consists of 2 people! You can't make a relationship work by yourself. He needs to make an effort too - and he does not seem to be doing that, judging by this thread only at least. Originally posted by Electrogrrl So my question is, what is something I can do for him that is totally selfless? Break up with him. It will make him a better person. It might hurt for now, but make him better in the long run.
crazy_grl Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Electrogrrl I don't really keep track of what I do for him, so I was a bit taken aback by this question. You shouldn't have to keep track, and you should have felt taken aback, because he shouldn't be keeping track either. It's unreasonable for him to quantify how much he's getting from the relationship and base this on how many completely selfless acts you've done for him. And everything that I came up with he shot down. Like a couple weekends ago, I took him on a date to the botanical gardens cause I thought he'd really enjoy it, as he likes nature (and he did enjoy it) but he said that because I had been wanting to go myself, that the date wasn't really for him. I also bought a really nice bottle of wine and some great food for dinner last night as a thanks for taking my dog to the vet when I couldn't get the time off of work, but he said that was also for me too! It shouldn't matter if you took him because you wanted to go too. The important part is that you took him when you very well could have left his ass at home and taken someone else. Does he expect you to take him places that he'd love but you'd be miserable? How much fun can a person have if they're out somewhere where their SO is hating it and wishing to be somewhere else? And you didn't have to share the wine and dinner with him either. You could have kept them all for yourself. So my question is, what is something I can do for him that is totally selfless? Could it be that I am so self absorbed that I don't even know what a selfless thing to do is? I am so confused and I just want to be a better girlfriend. You could get him a prostitute. That'd be selfless. I'm exaggerating to make the point that you shouldn't have to go out of your way to find something selfless to do for him. I don't think it's you who's self absorbed, but him. I think you just need to make him understand that you are thinking about him when you take him places and do things for him. You could just as easily not do those things, but you do, and in a relationship, those should be enough.
New_Wife Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Push him in front of a moving car, then selflessly administer first aid. You'd be a hero! Okay, sarcasm aside (DISCLAIMER: That WAS Sarcasm - do not push man under moving car!), there should not be a running tally in a relationship. If he can't think of a specific thing he'd like done, or a specific thing he feels you failed to do, he's just flinging poo. Give yourself a break here, and let it go for a day or two. Guys don't communicate the same way we do, he may tell you what's really bothering him after he's worked it out in his own head.
Mary3 Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 He sounds selfish and unappreciative of the things you do for him. He sounds like he is not worth keeping because he is openly hostile with you and is trying to start fights so he can be an a** and piss you off....maybe to end things ?
Author Electrogrrl Posted July 28, 2005 Author Posted July 28, 2005 Maybe he wants BJ LOL! This would be funny if only... The other night when he was watching TV, I was feeling a bit frisky and tried kissing him and then offered him a BJ. He replied with 'Not now. Later in bed' I thought that this was odd. I mean, a guy turning down a BJ?! But I respected it cause I know I can't expect him to be in the mood all the time. It's when I do stuff like this that he says that my timing is off and he doesn't like to do stuff (sexually) if it's not in bed. He constantly turns down my sexual advances, coming up with similar excuses. I'm kinda embarrassed to even admit that he does this, it makes me feel unwanted by him. I told him this as well, and he says that sex is not everything (which I agree) but it's annoying as he always makes comments about the attractiveness of other women. He will even tell me how he thinks one of his female friends is a beautiful and great girl (she's also a friend that happens to be clearly interested in him) but then he will get upset when I get jealous about him saying that and accuse me of not wanting him to have any female friends. On the other hand he is constantly telling me how much he loves me and how he's in love with me and how he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me. I've been with this guy for almost 2 years (this September) and I'll have to admit, I am in love with him (either that or I'm a sucker for abuse). I don't know anymore though. Lately this relationship and all its problems have started to take a toll on me. I've been so stressed about our fighting this past week that I've neglected a lot of other important things in my life. All for a guy that constantly tells me he's not even going to stay in this country forever (he's not a US citizen, and only here on a work permit). Typing this out and reading it make me think ' Am I crazy?!? ' I guess I just don't want to give up on us.
Mary3 Posted July 28, 2005 Posted July 28, 2005 This is clearly emotional abuse. I would not tolerate the way he is treating you. You are clearly a vibrant desirable woman and he needs to head out the door for good. Thats bullc@#$p what he is telling you.
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