Jrugby7 Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 So i checked her phone this morning and i see a call from his work! What is killing me is that she hasn't told me. I will see her at lunch, what do I say? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Ask her, IS there anything you need to tell me, because now is the time -NO matter what it is, I need to know. Hiding things, even the SMALLEST of things right now is not a good idea. Hopefully she didn't speak to him when he called. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby Ok, now we have been to counsoler and more came out. She confessed, they did have sex. She swears it was only once, and she has felt terrible ever since. yada yada yada. It hasn't happened since i got the phone call, so she says. I'm 99% sure its over. Just to clarify, we have been together for 8 years, married for 1, so the honeymoon was over a long time ago. There are times when I'm torn, i love her and i want things to work, but all i can see is disgusting images of the two of them. Some things came out during therapy that explain alot. She will never be satisfied, as soon as she makes a decision, she wishes she picked something else. I have told her that she has to stop all communication and if i ever see his number on the phone bill, or an email, he talks to her at a bar, its over. I'm totally torn here. Dont let this go away lightly,....TAKE A STRONG STAND NOW....she needs to understand you mean business......dont tip toe... Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay Dont let this go away lightly,....TAKE A STRONG STAND NOW....she needs to understand you mean business......dont tip toe... Agreed. But bear in mind that she might be just as thrown by this as you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 you're right. There needs to be serious consequences for this. The only problem is that she goes to NYC tomorrow for her sisters B-day party. She's going with family, we live in St. Louis so i know he's not going. This guy works close to me, i've got the itch to go to his office and strangle him! I think i will have a calm talk with her and if i don't like what i hear, when she comes back, her **** will be boxed up and she will be moving out! Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Agreed. But bear in mind that she might be just as thrown by this as you are. this is true.....if he called her.....technically she didnt contact him.....unless he was calling her back.... did ya look to see if it was just a missed call or was it a timed call?. If it wasnt a missed call...you should have checked the time lenght of the call....that way you would now if the actually talked..... as for your packing her ****.....just dont make any decisions in an angry state of mind.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 It was a timed call, not a missed call. So i'm almost positive they spoke. Iknow i shouldn't make any decisions when I'm angry but i can't go on being lied to. If she even trys to play dumb with me or turn this back on me she's out. I made is very specific to her that she was never to speak to him again. I don't know how much clearer i could have been. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 It was a timed call, not a missed call. So i'm almost positive they spoke. Iknow i shouldn't make any decisions when I'm angry but i can't go on being lied to. If she even trys to play dumb with me or turn this back on me she's out. I made is very specific to her that she was never to speak to him again. I don't know how much clearer i could have been. then I say you call her on it....CALMLY...state your position and consequence of the contact.... tell her she has one week to find a place to live after she reutrns from NYC.... Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by ThumbingMyWay then I say you call her on it....CALMLY...state your position and consequence of the contact.... Yeah. How long did it last btw? 30 seconds means she told him to f**k off. 30 minutes means they're back into the affair. 5 minutes is ambiguous. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo Yeah. How long did it last btw? 30 seconds means she told him to f**k off. 30 minutes means they're back into the affair. 5 minutes is ambiguous. agreed.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 I didn't look, but when i talk to her i will make sure to find that out. 30 minutes and counting down. I absolutley hate the way this makes me feel. I am so pissed i could explode. All of this brings me back down to rock bottom. My only hope is that she told him to get lost. What do i do about this guy if he just keeps calling? Do i need to have his number blocked? Restraining order? Kick his ass? I know thats not the right thing to do but it would make me feel so much better. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 I didn't look, but when i talk to her i will make sure to find that out. 30 minutes and counting down. I absolutley hate the way this makes me feel. I am so pissed i could explode. All of this brings me back down to rock bottom. My only hope is that she told him to get lost. What do i do about this guy if he just keeps calling? Do i need to have his number blocked? Restraining order? Kick his ass? I know thats not the right thing to do but it would make me feel so much better. if he is married?....then tell his wife or go to his work....and in front of everybody there....in a calm voice...tell him to stop all contact with your wife.....and if he doesnt you will get a restraining order put againts him.....stand strong and calm... dont kick his ass.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 NO wife, he's divorced, abviously his x saw this coming a long time ago. The problem is that if i see him, the chances of my hurting him are high. I am a very emotional person and although i don't have an anger problem i can be very physical. This comes from years of rugby and wrestling and the last thing i need are assult charges. Maybe i should call him, or have her call him infront of me and tell him to never contact her again. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by Jrugby7 What do i do about this guy if he just keeps calling? Do i need to have his number blocked? Cross that bridge when (and if) you come to it. Start with her asking him politely to stop calling. For most guys, that will be quite sufficient. Especially if she is prepared to repeat it. Asskicking is best left to the realm of your fantasies. Right now, calm down. Your first assumption should be that she will work with you on this. Not because it's certain, but because this is the best way to treat her in case it *is* true. You can easily move to buttkicking mode in 3 seconds if she won't work with you... try to keep it calm though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jrugby7 Posted July 27, 2005 Author Share Posted July 27, 2005 OK, so it was a short conversation, she needed to see if he was going to coach this year. She has tried to get the Athletic Director to let her coach something else but as i mentioned earlier he was reluctant. I again told her that they can find another coach because if she is my wife then she is not coaching with him. She agreed and is setting up a meeting for when she gets back from NYC. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Sorry you are going through this. I agree w/ everything you have been told. As for calling him, I would, if she has told him already not to call. When my H was having his A during our seperation (but were talking about getting back 2gether) he got upset w/ me b/c I called the OW. I told her to stay away from him until we decided what we were going to do, D or reconcile. I got a letter from my lawyer from H's lawyer not to contact her in any manner or she would take legal actions. So I quit calling her. I have children, I didn't need anything happening. Two months later he broke it off w/ the OW and she kept calling but I was never around (we were still seperated and I was living in a different town). While visiting H the exOW called. I called her back after H got off the phone w/ her and told her to stop calling or there would be he!! to pay (meaning a restrainer order, H said he was going to get one if she didn't stop calling, she thought I meant I was going to kick her a$$) That was the last time she called H. It's funny how he was so upset I kept calling her to stay away from him but as soon as we got back together he didn't care WTH I said to her. I would give your W the opprotunity to tell him herself to stop calling, if she doesn't and still has contact w/ him I would kick her to the curb until she can get her act 2gether. It's either you, or him, she can't have both. If she tells him to stop calling and he doesn't, I would call him. GL, I hope this all works out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Do the call together or sit with her and do an email to him. Make sure you're there when it gets sent out. With a CC to your email account. Make sure you add that if he contacts your wife in ANYWAY whatsoever, charges will be laid against him. She has to follow the same, she is not to contact him EVER. The closure should have happened already, now it's just dealing with the fallout of it all. I hope for her sake it's completely over and she isn't still feeding off feelings of the A. Keep posting and hope all goes well. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup Do the call together or sit with her and do an email to him. Make sure you're there when it gets sent out. With a CC to your email account. Make sure you add that if he contacts your wife in ANYWAY whatsoever, charges will be laid against him. She has to follow the same, she is not to contact him EVER. The closure should have happened already, now it's just dealing with the fallout of it all. I hope for her sake it's completely over and she isn't still feeding off feelings of the A. Keep posting and hope all goes well. WWIU, this restrainer thing has got me thinking. Can they put a restrainer on the OM? Could my H of put a restrainer order on the OW? When my H and I were going through our problems and he was having an A he was always stopping by the house, unannounced. There were times were we argued and told him to leave. He never hurt me or verbal abused me, I just didn't want him there. My parent's told me to call and get a restrainer against against him so I did. The officer told me that I could not get a restrainer order against him unless he was threatening me or hurting me physically, he wasn't, so they couldn't put a restrainer order on him. I wonder if this is the same everywhere else? I think if there is a person who is coming between a couple's M (the OW/OM) they should be able to get one w/o there being any questions asked about threats or abuse. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 I don't see why not. If she is pursuing him and he wants NOTHING to do with her, why can't he go file charges? And get a restraining order on her? That's called harrassment and nobody should have to put up with it. Threats don't always have to be made to have a restraining order to come about, as far as I know of. I could be wrong, but don't think so. Or just ever time they show up at the door say you have 10 seconds to leave otherwise I'm calling the cops. Invasion of privacy and again, it's harrassment. Same goes for phone calls. Hope this helps and hope you're doing OK. Link to post Share on other sites
StillHurtin Posted July 27, 2005 Share Posted July 27, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup I don't see why not. If she is pursuing him and he wants NOTHING to do with her, why can't he go file charges? And get a restraining order on her? That's called harrassment and nobody should have to put up with it. Threats don't always have to be made to have a restraining order to come about, as far as I know of. I could be wrong, but don't think so. Or just ever time they show up at the door say you have 10 seconds to leave otherwise I'm calling the cops. Invasion of privacy and again, it's harrassment. Same goes for phone calls. Hope this helps and hope you're doing OK. That is what I think. H never got to the point where he had to get a restrainer order. He talked about it b/c she kept coming by the house or calling but he never told her he was going to. It took me to tell her to stop calling b4 she stopped. I don't think H was aggressive enough about it like I was. As for how I am doing, doing great, well, besides being layed off from my job for the rest of the summer and wishing my unemployment check would hurry and get here. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
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