Her ex is still contacting her? wtf?

[act00]

In this day and age, we have this handy little tool called "block." If she is truly over this guy, and he keeps after her, she should have made use of this tool a long time ago, and there is also this thing called a restraining order, if the situation is that bad.

 

I suspect she has talked to him over the past few months, here and there, which is why he continues to sniff after her. It encourages him. She may feel very guilty and is trying not to hurt him, and is hoping he just goes away, but again, this just encourages him and he holds out hope.

 

You state she's lying because you came into the picture in January, and she said she told him she was seeing someone in September. She may have been seeing someone in September, just not you. Not a lie. She may have told him she was seeing someone in September, hoping this would make him back off. Understandable lie.

 

I think the bigger lie is whether or not she still communicates with him...she says she doesn't, but I think she does, and this is not to say she's giving him hope with loving type of talk, but she does try to let him go gently, and he's just not accepting it.

 

If she has, in fact, never contacted him or talked/texted at all since September, this is stalkerish, and I can understand fearing blocking, as this could make him escalate...bigger issues than an annoying ex in this situation

 

This situation seems to be a deal breaker. She put this situation in your lap, so it is now your business, and on one hand, it's good she's open about it, but on the other hand, I think you have every right to expect her to cease and desist with this man and take necessary measures to remove him, like block. Ask her about it. "Why don't you block him?" Get a dialogue going. What is the reason for not fully blocking him? If she refuses to cut him off, and this is going to be a constant source of contention for you, move on. Let her have her personal drama with stalker-boy all by herself.

[vanhalenfan]

If she wanted him to stop contacting her, she would make it happen by blocking him on ALL social media & blocking his number. Since she hasn't done that, she clearly wants to keep in contact with him.

 

Exactly this. There is no other way to look at this.

[curiouslysearching]

Uh ya..................

 

this is getting to be GOOD...drama central

[crossingbridges]

In this day and age, we have this handy little tool called "block." If she is truly over this guy, and he keeps after her, she should have made use of this tool a long time ago, and there is also this thing called a restraining order, if the situation is that bad.

 

I suspect she has talked to him over the past few months, here and there, which is why he continues to sniff after her. It encourages him. She may feel very guilty and is trying not to hurt him, and is hoping he just goes away, but again, this just encourages him and he holds out hope.

 

You state she's lying because you came into the picture in January, and she said she told him she was seeing someone in September. She may have been seeing someone in September, just not you. Not a lie. She may have told him she was seeing someone in September, hoping this would make him back off. Understandable lie.

 

I think the bigger lie is whether or not she still communicates with him...she says she doesn't, but I think she does, and this is not to say she's giving him hope with loving type of talk, but she does try to let him go gently, and he's just not accepting it.

 

If she has, in fact, never contacted him or talked/texted at all since September, this is stalkerish, and I can understand fearing blocking, as this could make him escalate...bigger issues than an annoying ex in this situation

 

This situation seems to be a deal breaker. She put this situation in your lap, so it is now your business, and on one hand, it's good she's open about it, but on the other hand, I think you have every right to expect her to cease and desist with this man and take necessary measures to remove him, like block. Ask her about it. "Why don't you block him?" Get a dialogue going. What is the reason for not fully blocking him? If she refuses to cut him off, and this is going to be a constant source of contention for you, move on. Let her have her personal drama with stalker-boy all by herself.

 

I have been going through exactly the same thoughts you described. She is a very wholehearted but vulnerable girl who probably feels sorry for him in many ways, depending on what she told me. I think she just wants him to go away gently. But maybe I am just hoping that to be true, that's why I reached out. I forgot to mention that after their initial "break up" he left her alone for 2 months or so, then he started calling again. And it seems as if he only calls and communicates late in the night during weekends when he is drunk because those are the only times I have witnessed it. I think that is very disrespectful if he knows she is seeing another man.

 

I asked her if she had already told him that she was dating another man, that´s when i heard the story about the time in september when she said she was seeing another man to get rid of him. So you misunderstood me when I said she lied, she lied to him about that and that is understandable as you said. She also said one time he tried to reach out, he asked if she was still seeing that other guy, and she answered yes. So in his mind, she has been dating another man since september.

 

Your answers have given me more insight but I still don't think she wants to keep in contact with him. We will see. I will definantly talk to her about this the next time i witness this as I think she should get rid of him if she says so. At least I don't want him interrupting us late at night trying to get into bed with her, thats just so disrespectful towards me. Don't you think?

[kendahke]

She has told me everything about this guy and she wants nothing to do with him.

 

But, there is always a but. I have a thought and I want to express it. She told me that her final break-off was in september and she has not answered his calls or texts since then. She also told me she deleted him off facebook. How come he is still contacting her?

 

If that was true, she wouldn't be giving him access to contact her. She wants him to contact her. Full stop. If she didn't, he'd be on block. Not a hard thing to do if you're done with someone, they don't mean anything to you and don't want to be bothered with them.

 

On friday nights he will still send her messages or call her and I can hear her cursing about it. Fortunately she tells me about it, at least when it's possible that I find out anyway.

Is she keeping him as a back up in case you and she doesn't work out? Probably... also, she may like his attention, no matter how much cussing and spitting she's doing for your benefit (aka--performing).

 

My thought is, would he still be trying so hard if she wouldn't talk to him or give him a sense of hope once in a while? I find it hard to believe that she has not answered him or told him to stay away and he still acts like this...

At least I would never do that. It's been more than half a year since this ended.. What are your thoughts?

She's keeping hope alive and she's feeding his hope by leaving the door open. She is putting his feelings on par with or above yours. Who is her boyfriend? Why isn't she acting like it? Edited March 26, 2017 by kendahke

[Imajerk17]

I asked her if she had already told him that she was dating another man, that´s when i heard the story about the time in september when she said she was seeing another man to get rid of him. So you misunderstood me when I said she lied, she lied to him about that and that is understandable as you said. She also said one time he tried to reach out, he asked if she was still seeing that other guy, and she answered yes. So in his mind, she has been dating another man since september.

 

Your answers have given me more insight but I still don't think she wants to keep in contact with him. We will see. I will definantly talk to her about this the next time i witness this as I think she should get rid of him if she says so. At least I don't want him interrupting us late at night trying to get into bed with her, thats just so disrespectful towards me. Don't you think?

 

 

So she HAS interacted with him.

 

If there is anything I've learned, it is follow someone's ACTIONS, not their WORDS. She might be cussing about him contacting her (in front of you anyway), but if she really wanted no more communication from him, then she would have blocked him everywhere already.

 

His communication is getting through to her when the two of you are in bed together! If that isn't a sign that she isn't keeping some sort of door open for him then I don't know what else is.

 

Meanwhile, I would be doubly wary of women with sad-sack exes, especially if they tried breaking up with their ex more than once. Quite often these women will end up cheating on you with said loser ex. And the worse they talk about the guy, the more likely it is to happen. Cynical but true.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Imajerk17

[crossingbridges]

Is this a lost cause? What would be the best way to tackle this?

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, but I have to agree with the general sentiment that she's not that bothered by him if she has not blocked his number. I have a feeling they have talked here and there, because most other guys would have given up by now if they were given zero glimmers of hope.

 

I would tell her that you are uncomfortable and unhappy about the fact that he is able to contact her, and ask her why she hasn't blocked him. Observe her reaction. Don't say anything more than that initially - let her explain and fill in the blanks. I think you will learn a lot from her response to you.

[coolheadal]

Iv'e been seeing a girl for 3 months now and her ex-partner is still calling her and messaging her. To be clear, he was not he ex-boyfriend but rather her ex-playmate or dating partner for 4 months. He was not a good match for her so she broke it off. She has told me everything about this guy and she wants nothing to do with him.

 

But, there is always a but. I have a thought and I want to express it. She told me that her final break-off was in september and she has not answered his calls or texts since then. She also told me she deleted him off facebook. How come he is still contacting her? On friday nights he will still send her messages or call her and I can hear her cursing about it. Fortunately she tells me about it, at least when it's possible that I find out anyway.

 

My thought is, would he still be trying so hard if she wouldn't talk to him or give him a sense of hope once in a while? I find it hard to believe that she has not answered him or told him to stay away and he still acts like this...

At least I would never do that. It's been more than half a year since this ended.. What are your thoughts?

 

No matter what she tells you about him you can't believe a word she said. Because she likes the fact that he contacts her still. This way she can keep him on the side lines while you think she doesn't want nothing to do with him. If she really wanted him gone she would have done it long before you met you. But she has him still in her life. You would need to talk to him to find out the truth. She's not giving you the whole story? Why should she tell you want she's really doing. She's doing whatever she pleases. You two are not engaged, nor married. You just seeing each other. All she has to do is download app that would block his number by ID or physical number. That's if she really wanted him out of her life. She can swear/curse to she drops at him but don't you find that she still doing it. Red flag either tell her "if you don't stop talking to this guy and leading him on" I am going to walk and I am not walking backwards I walking forwards out of your life!

[FastHands]

She'll just say even though he's my ex he can still be my friend- line.

[smackie9]

Is this a lost cause? What would be the best way to tackle this?

Communication......................man up and tell her this is unacceptable.....which it is. Continue to have that conversation.

[curiouslysearching]

Communication......................man up and tell her this is unacceptable.....which it is. Continue to have that conversation.

 

Smackie, you are a "tell it like it is gal" that is very impressive and I agree

with you. Dudes-----"just spit it out" and see where it goes

[kendahke]

Is this a lost cause? What would be the best way to tackle this?

 

tell her to go sort out her ex and her feelings for her ex and leave you alone while she does it.

 

a woman who is done with her ex acts like it. She doesn't give him access to contact her and she sure doesn't use the lame excuse of not wanting to hurt his feelings. His feelings should have no more weight in her world if she's done with him and wants to be with you.

 

She's not 100% with you. She's reserving a portion of her intimacy for him. That's someone who is not committed to you. She's committed to both of you. If you don't mind sharing...

[BluesPower]

What you do is this...

 

You tell her since she cannot figure out how to block someone from her phone and all social media, you will show her how to do it.

 

Then you take out your phone and block her number as you are showing her, and do all the other stuff.

 

Then tell her to Kiss your A** and walk out the door.

 

Are you always this obtuse or is it just with this one girl?

 

Get a clue already...

[BettyDraper]

Dude she is lying and playing you for a fool.

 

This. Time to set some boundaries and be prepared to walk away if your girlfriend insists on talking to her ex.

[crossingbridges]

Do you guys out there that have girlfriends expect a lot of support from your girlfriends? I mean like emotional and nurturing support?

 

Would you want them to send you cute texts, compliment you, hug you from the back, do nice things for you, ask you about your day?

 

If you were facing a big challenge, would you want her to wish you good luck and then ask you how it went? Be curious about your well being?

 

Is that what defines a loving relationship rather than a friends with benefits relationship?

 

Can you share any insight on these matters for me? And also, what do you value most in your relationships? What behaviors do you value most?

 

Girls you are welcome to share your insights as well, how do you show your man that you care about him.

Thanks!

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
moved thread to General Relationship Discussion ~6

[Imajerk17]

Is this a rhetorical question or is it a real question? In case it is the latter, the answer is of course, yes, I would expect (and have gotten) emotional support from my girlfriend.

 

[]

Edited April 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redacted off topic content ~6

[mikeylo]

We are all emotional beings. The most macho of guys and cold women, need emotional support. If they say they don't, they aren't lying. They just have had a hard life and dealt with stuff themselves.

 

That said, emotional support from a partner is a basic need. Without it, relationship won't last.

[crossingbridges]

I can see why you think it is a rhetorical question haha, and it probably is. Of course you expect some support in any form but to what extent?

 

When does is become platonic?

 

I am asking because the girl I have been seeing seems to be shy to show any support/care for me. She seems to be interested but never quite reaches out to the level of being vulnerable or caring. She may say good luck or good night but she would not do that out of the blue so that the meaning would be emphasized ( I hope you know what I mean). I wonder if it is some kind of a defense mechanism, she doesn't want to seem too invested.

 

I'm pretty sure I won't handle this forever and sometimes it frustrates me. That's why I was wondering about the level of support couples show each other on daily basis, and how much you value it?

 

We have been seeing each other close to 4 months now FYI.

[d0nnivain]

At 4 months in I never offered a lot of emotional support to some guy I was dating. At 4 months I don't know how much a relative stranger can do for you anyway but if it was something major I was listen, I would hug the person, I might make food, or offer to drive. texting didn't exist -- at least not as we know & use it now -- the last time I had a new relationship.

 

 

Can you be more specific about what you want vs what you are getting?

 

 

My husband had a test today which helps to determine promotions & raises at his job. I offered to help him study last week; I wished him luck this morning & send him a cute text a while ago.

 

 

When his grandmother died I went to the funeral with him. When he lost his job I paid the bills. When he's sick I make him soup & bring him his meds but basically leave him alone as he prefers.

[Robert]

I can see why you think it is a rhetorical question haha, and it probably is. Of course you expect some support in any form but to what extent?

 

When does is become platonic?

 

I am asking because the girl I have been seeing seems to be shy to show any support/care for me. She seems to be interested but never quite reaches out to the level of being vulnerable or caring. She may say good luck or good night but she would not do that out of the blue so that the meaning would be emphasized ( I hope you know what I mean). I wonder if it is some kind of a defense mechanism, she doesn't want to seem too invested.

 

I'm pretty sure I won't handle this forever and sometimes it frustrates me. That's why I was wondering about the level of support couples show each other on daily basis, and how much you value it?

 

We have been seeing each other close to 4 months now FYI.

 

Since this is no longer a general question, we've merged three threads for context. ~6

[crossingbridges]

At 4 months in I never offered a lot of emotional support to some guy I was dating. At 4 months I don't know how much a relative stranger can do for you anyway but if it was something major I was listen, I would hug the person, I might make food, or offer to drive. texting didn't exist -- at least not as we know & use it now -- the last time I had a new relationship.

 

 

Can you be more specific about what you want vs what you are getting?

 

 

My husband had a test today which helps to determine promotions & raises at his job. I offered to help him study last week; I wished him luck this morning & send him a cute text a while ago.

 

 

When his grandmother died I went to the funeral with him. When he lost his job I paid the bills. When he's sick I make him soup & bring him his meds but basically leave him alone as he prefers.

 

I don't mean it like that, nothing happened. I don't need any comforting so to speak. It's just that extra something to show the other person that you are really into her. Someone might say that showing up to dates and agreeing to spend time with me would be enough but I feel there is something missing.

 

I've never been in a long term relationship so I'm pretty new at this and pretty insecure. That's why I'm not jumping to conclusions and leaving, I am taking my time to assess.

 

What I feel is lacking is her expression of love basically. Damn this sounds stupid when I write that but anyways. She really seems interested and wants to pursue something more (Im pretty sure) but still she does not express any genuine care.

 

For example the five love languages, she only speaks one. She likes to touch me when we are together. Thats basically it, other than that, we are platonic friends basically. You know what I mean? No romantic gestures......

 

I probably sound like a guy who is frustrated that my date doesn't love me, I feel as it should be there already...... or I am misunderstanding different types of people.