Her ex is still contacting her? wtf?

[crossingbridges]

I really need your help on this one! Any insight would be helpful.

 

I'm a 24 year old guy seeing a 24 year old girl. We met on a ball on new years eve, spent the night together and we had a lot of fun. We have no mutual friends. So we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months. She has shown a lot of interest and been very affectionate for the whole time, especially when we are together face to face.

 

However, when we started dating she gave me a warning and even implied that she would understand if I would decide to run away. She told me she has "daddy issues" aka. trust issues and she has found it almost impossible to fully connect on an emotional level. At the time I did not understand what she meant because she was very open and told me all about her vulnerabilites and personal stuff. I thought she might be overreacting.

 

So as time has passed I have noticed that it seems to be me spinning all the wheels here.I'm very attracted to this girl so I've kept it going but it's starting to get to me and I'm beginning to doubt the relationship. On the other hand I'm thinking if I'm expecting to much of her and myself is failing the man role. To break it down:

 

• I make all the plans, she has never made plans or even asked to see me.
   
  
• We initiate equally on text messages and snapchat and such. That way our conversations begin and I always have to be the one to make any plans.
   
  
• She has never said no, and always seems happy with my suggestions.
   
  
• If I try to get any opinions on the matter from her she seems to back away from any responsibility.
   
  

 

Sometimes there may be 1-2 days where we dont really talk outside 1-2 snapchat messages. If I try to engage in a real talk online she just does not seem interested in that. The only time she seems interested is when we are in bed and she cuddles me, that's about all. And I'm starting to think she is in it for the sex because she really loves it. I have never been invited to her house, she says her room is so small and just a single bed so i kindof understand that but still.... We haven't met each others friends and its just going very slowly.

I kind of get the feeling that she is stringing me along but that might be caused be her insecurities and trust issues. She has told me she is a very anxious person and has had anxiety issues....

 

Is this normal? Is this something that will change? I don't want to be the only one driving the relationship. I feel as if I would stop making plans, nothing would happen and I would never see her again. But again, is this the role of the man and it should just be like this? Should I give her more time?

[act00]

She may feel more secure talking about more personal matters in person, and apparently in bed when you're cuddling, which is a safe place. I doubt she's after you for sex alone, it's just a security thing.

 

I appreciate that people recognize their flaws and issues and are open about it. What I don't get is that they don't seem to try to fix these issues and use it as an excuse. These issues can take years to undo, so I get that. Is your girl working out of her "daddy issue" shell or not? That's the question, because when you are left to make all the decisions and get no input, that leads to serious resentment later when you always "choose what you want." That's not to say you aren't genuinely trying to consider her needs, but with no input, you just don't know.

 

She has "daddy issues" and you are not her "daddy." Cut bait if she's a limp fish. Do you want someone stimulating in your life or someone who just follows your lead (and possibly hates you and resents you later for it) and wants you to be her daddy?

[Miss Spider]

If I were a guy looking for a relationship and a girl told me she had "daddy issues" and found it almost impossible to connect emotionally, I'd run so fast. Not that I dont feel for her, but she needs to work out her issues before she can have a healthy relationship imo

[coolheadal]

What you do it this, you keep her as backup and look for someone else for a normal less complicated girl. You'll never be happy with her, she'll drive you insane. Why would you want to go over her house. She doesn't want you there. Daddy issues comment you just don't want to deal with a women that said that too you.

[crossingbridges]

She may feel more secure talking about more personal matters in person, and apparently in bed when you're cuddling, which is a safe place. I doubt she's after you for sex alone, it's just a security thing.

 

I appreciate that people recognize their flaws and issues and are open about it. What I don't get is that they don't seem to try to fix these issues and use it as an excuse. These issues can take years to undo, so I get that. Is your girl working out of her "daddy issue" shell or not? That's the question, because when you are left to make all the decisions and get no input, that leads to serious resentment later when you always "choose what you want." That's not to say you aren't genuinely trying to consider her needs, but with no input, you just don't know.

 

She has "daddy issues" and you are not her "daddy." Cut bait if she's a limp fish. Do you want someone stimulating in your life or someone who just follows your lead (and possibly hates you and resents you later for it) and wants you to be her daddy?

 

Thanks for the answers, I guess I was blinded by affection to begin with.. She mentioned this on our third date if I remember correctly and it was in the middle of our cuddling talks after sex, so I just shook it off, couldn't believe it... She is very affectionate when we have those bed sessions and seems to enjoy herself so that is not the problem. I live with my mother and sister so there is no real place for us to "be home" by ourselves other than my bedroom and bed. Other dates have been dinner, movies and such that have always led to the bedroom afterwards. I once heard girls would not be that open with their legs unless they felt safe and comfortable.

 

So maybe this is just a daddy issue that has to be resolved. We haven't talked about these things for a pretty long time now, I just feel as if I should not bring this up. I was taught to act and be easygoing and drama-free when you first begin to meet a woman, don´t get too emotional. You should let her bring up things like that. But I think I'm at that stage now that I want some direction in this so I wont be losing my time over this girl who might not do it for me.

 

The problem is her lack of initiative, she would only make subtle hints for me to talk to her... In the beginning especially she initiated conversations with me because she didn't have any context. Now she will only send me funny pictures that refer to our talks and expects me to start a conversation and ask her out. She has never brought up an idea or asked for my time. She has never done anything spontaneous or cute, like a good night xoxo message at night, she would only reply those from me and on the same level. That feels one-sided and I guess it is... I also think it's important that she helps to bring ideas and vision into our relationship. Maybe the reason is that she doesn't really have any hobbies and she just feels the best at "home".

 

Given the fact that I don't want to lose this girl just yet cause I really feel good around her. Do you think it would be wise to talk to her about this now or give her a little more time? Because you can feel "the talk" is getting closer and I didn't want to be the one to bring it up as it might scare her feminine and vulnerable side and push her away.

[Poutrew]

<snip>

 

• I make all the plans, she has never made plans or even asked to see me.
  
• We initiate equally on text messages and snapchat and such. That way our conversations begin and I always have to be the one to make any plans.
  
• She has never said no, and always seems happy with my suggestions.
  
• If I try to get any opinions on the matter from her she seems to back away from any responsibility.
  

<snip>

I kind of get the feeling that she is stringing me along but that might be caused be her insecurities and trust issues. She has told me she is a very anxious person and has had anxiety issues....

 

Is this normal? Is this something that will change? I don't want to be the only one driving the relationship. I feel as if I would stop making plans, nothing would happen and I would never see her again. But again, is this the role of the man and it should just be like this? Should I give her more time?

 

Bottom line, it seems to me that you are contemplating bailing on this girl because she is really a 1950's housewife. Hey, I get it... girls with daddy issues can be a bit of work... well, if you do bail on her, send me her CV. I'll be her daddy... No problem-o! Heck, I'd kill to find a nice girl who is content with me making the major decisions, and who will never ask questions concerning the dark military sedan that sometimes comes for me at 3 A.M. ... Since I don't have a Delorean time machine that can whisk me back to the future circa 1950's to find a 'Real Woman' , your (eventual) ex girlfriend will do nicely.

 

Now, if you decide to keep her, I would suggest not playing the guessing game. Sit her down and talk to her about things that bother you. Don't try to read her mind... if you are nice and treat her seriously perhaps she'll open up to you and then you 'll have something concrete to go on. So do you think you are up for the challenge?

Edited March 22, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate full quote

[GoldSparkz]

Have you considered discussing your concerns during your "bedtime sessions" as you call them?

 

If things don't improve after discussing it with her, then walk away. Being the only one doing all the hard work in a relationship is tiring and you'll just end up settling and then resenting her when you consider all of those exciting, two sided relationships that you could be having.

[salparadise]

If I were a guy looking for a relationship and a girl told me she had "daddy issues" and found it almost impossible to connect emotionally, I'd run so fast. Not that I dont feel for her, but she needs to work out her issues before she can have a healthy relationship imo

 

No kidding. This is the biggest challenge in dating, esp. for the second-chance folks. Healthy attachments with emotional availability, is the keystone of a successful relationship, and the most likely reason people end up alone after a certain age. Defense mechanisms obviate the ability to tolerate vulnerability, and if one cannot allow themselves to become vulnerability they cannot love another person deeply. The defenses find ways to sabotage, or "reasons" why the relationship must end. It's a pattern that repeats, and usually that person is unaware of the underlying motivation and believes in the defense. It's sad.

 

I'll give OPs girlfriend credit for being able to say that she is emotionally unavailable. That's a lot of awareness, assuming she actually understands the implications. OP, you need to understand the implications! Don't fall into the rescuer role, unh uh, just don't.

[smackie9]

Shining knight syndrome.....bad bad bad.

[Redhead14]

I really need your help on this one! Any insight would be helpful.

 

I'm a 24 year old guy seeing a 24 year old girl. We met on a ball on new years eve, spent the night together and we had a lot of fun. We have no mutual friends. So we've been seeing each other for almost 3 months. She has shown a lot of interest and been very affectionate for the whole time, especially when we are together face to face.

 

However, when we started dating she gave me a warning and even implied that she would understand if I would decide to run away. .She told me she has "daddy issues" aka. trust issues and she has found it almost impossible to fully connect on an emotional level At the time I did not understand what she meant because she was very open and told me all about her vulnerabilites and personal stuff. I thought she might be overreacting.

 

So as time has passed I have noticed that it seems to be me spinning all the wheels here.I'm very attracted to this girl so I've kept it going but it's starting to get to me and I'm beginning to doubt the relationship. On the other hand I'm thinking if I'm expecting to much of her and myself is failing the man role. To break it down:

 

• I make all the plans, she has never made plans or even asked to see me.
  
• We initiate equally on text messages and snapchat and such. That way our conversations begin and I always have to be the one to make any plans.
  
• She has never said no, and always seems happy with my suggestions.
  
• If I try to get any opinions on the matter from her she seems to back away from any responsibility.
  

 

Sometimes there may be 1-2 days where we dont really talk outside 1-2 snapchat messages. If I try to engage in a real talk online she just does not seem interested in that. The only time she seems interested is when we are in bed and she cuddles me, that's about all. And I'm starting to think she is in it for the sex because she really loves it. I have never been invited to her house, she says her room is so small and just a single bed so i kindof understand that but still.... We haven't met each others friends and its just going very slowly.

I kind of get the feeling that she is stringing me along but that might be caused be her insecurities and trust issues. She has told me she is a very anxious person and has had anxiety issues....

 

Is this normal? Is this something that will change? I don't want to be the only one driving the relationship. I feel as if I would stop making plans, nothing would happen and I would never see her again. But again, is this the role of the man and it should just be like this? Should I give her more time?

 

Is she afraid to show any effort? -- She told you exactly what would be going on and early -- she has found it almost impossible to fully connect on an emotional level. She doesn't actively participate because she isn't connected to you.

She knows herself pretty well and gave you a heads up not to expect much from her in a relationship.

 

If you want to do all the work all the time, stay with her and be miserable and anxious for a long time.

 

I feel as if I would stop making plans, nothing would happen and I would never see her again. -- Then stop doing it and prepare to move on. Even if she feels/responds to your pulling away, keep moving. She wants what she wants but doesn't want to actively participate. This would be a very unfulfilling relationship for you.

[fromheart]

It'll never get any better until she has therapy and self work, which she needs. Otherwise it will always be as it is, most probably it will get worse and end up with you getting dumped. Reason being, her opening up would mean that you'd become the source of her insecurities.

 

I'd gently tell her to address her issues for her own sake, if nothing came of it I would end it if you are looking for emotional commitment.

 

If a woman tells you this from the start, DO NOT commit yourself. She basically has said its just fun dating and her actions suggest the same.

[crossingbridges]

I tried to keep my emotional distance because of what she said.. That has become a part of the problem because I want more at this point, but I would not be completely heartbroken if this wouldnt work out because I have been careful.

 

I should talk to her about this, get her opinion and make sure she wants to make this work. I should give her a chance to work out her issues and make an effort. If not i should get out?

 

I think that is my plan... it's just a damn difficult subject to discuss and I don't understand it.

[Redhead14]

I tried to keep my emotional distance because of what she said.. That has become a part of the problem because I want more at this point, but I would not be completely heartbroken if this wouldnt work out because I have been careful.

 

I should talk to her about this, get her opinion and make sure she wants to make this work. I should give her a chance to work out her issues and make an effort. If not i should get out?

 

I think that is my plan... it's just a damn difficult subject to discuss and I don't understand it.

 

I don't understand it -- What's not to understand? . . . she has some emotional "issues" and they need to be dealt with properly on her part. And, if she does want to undertake that process, improvement/resolution is not going to happen overnight and likely not on your "watch". These are deep seeded problems.

 

I should give her a chance to work out her issues and make an effort. -- She's had that "chance". She's not changing for you or for herself.

 

Stop beating a dead horse. End it because you need more from a relationship partner than she has been or is willing to offer/give you. The more you try to pull her in or put on her, the more she will pull away. People with these kinds of "issues" do not respond well to clinginess, neediness or attempts to hang on to them or pull them closer and, especially, attempts to get them to or expect change.

Edited March 22, 2017 by Redhead14

[smackie9]

The kind of talk you should be having is the breakup talk. If she isn't going to put in an effort, then what is the point?

[salparadise]

She couldn't change it even if she wanted to. You're with someone who only has the capacity to be half of a girlfriend. She told you that straight up –– why are you so reluctant to believe her and let her go? There are healthy women out there for you.

[preraph]

There are so many guys who would be ecstatic with this arrangement. But you're not one, so this is who she is.

[crossingbridges]

I met her yesterday and this was our first day in my apartment without my parents being here, they are gone abroad and will be there for a long time. I'm not ready to end it with her, that's for sure, I might be making a big mistake if I do that. Like I said, I felt "the talk" was getting closer and yesterday she mentioned we had been dating for almost 3 months and time flies and blablah and we talked about how we felt about the relationship. She expressed her happy feelings and I expressed mine, it felt so good... I had to mention her behaviour though and told her that if she wants to see me she shouldnt be shy to ask me, I would love that she would ask, because I always have to bring it up. She told me she has always been that way since she was a child, with her friends and all but she is trying her best to improve that. I was happy to hear that and told her I would appreciate it. But when I asked about her daddy issues and how that might be affecting us, given that she was worried about it in the beginning, I sensed that she got a little scared. And like I said, I don't understand those issues that well so I got out of the discussion, I have no idea how that may be affecting us yet because I feel incredible when I'm with her in person and I feel loved by her. So I guess I will give this a bit more time. She might be a person who needs time and trust and then she will be the most adorable princess in the world. She might be....

 

I also asked her if she had any ideas for us to do together in the coming weeks and she didn't have any ideas. That's when she told me she doesn't really do anything else than spending time with her friends and staying home but she is always open for invitations. IT indicates even further than she does not want to be in control at all! She wants to be controlled, she has also said that in the bedroom. As someone mentioned this is a typical woman in the 50's, old school gal. Perhaps this could be okay as long as she is interested in doing the things I like to do. Someone here said that might build up resentment later in the relationship and that might be true. **** it, I don't know. I just have to let the time tell its story for now.. Thanks so much for the answers, most of them were helpful

[crossingbridges]

Iv'e been seeing a girl for 3 months now and her ex-partner is still calling her and messaging her. To be clear, he was not he ex-boyfriend but rather her ex-playmate or dating partner for 4 months. He was not a good match for her so she broke it off. She has told me everything about this guy and she wants nothing to do with him.

 

But, there is always a but. I have a thought and I want to express it. She told me that her final break-off was in september and she has not answered his calls or texts since then. She also told me she deleted him off facebook. How come he is still contacting her? On friday nights he will still send her messages or call her and I can hear her cursing about it. Fortunately she tells me about it, at least when it's possible that I find out anyway.

 

My thought is, would he still be trying so hard if she wouldn't talk to him or give him a sense of hope once in a while? I find it hard to believe that she has not answered him or told him to stay away and he still acts like this...

At least I would never do that. It's been more than half a year since this ended.. What are your thoughts?

[smackie9]

I just can't believe she hasn't blocked/deleted his number and that he is able to contact her still.

[crossingbridges]

I just can't believe she hasn't blocked/deleted his number and that he is able to contact her still.

 

I never said that, she deleted him off Facebook. But I guess what you are trying to say is that it is indeed strange that she blocked him off Facebook but not his number. She also has him on Snapchat....

[Gr8fuln2020]

I never said that, she deleted him off Facebook. But I guess what you are trying to say is that it is indeed strange that she blocked him off Facebook but not his number. She also has him on Snapchat....

 

Yes, block his number from her phone. He's been blocked and/or deleted from both social media options?

 

Has she told him, w/o any uncertainty, that she is dating you now?

[smackie9]

I never said that, she deleted him off Facebook. But I guess what you are trying to say is that it is indeed strange that she blocked him off Facebook but not his number. She also has him on Snapchat....

Uh ya..................

[crossingbridges]

Yes, block his number from her phone. He's been blocked and/or deleted from both social media options?

 

Has she told him, w/o any uncertainty, that she is dating you now?

 

He can still call her on her phone, he can still send her snapchats, but he has been blocked on facebook as far as I know.

 

I'm not sure, I haven't asked about this at all... She said that in september, he was still contacting her and she told him she was seeing someone else to have him leave her alone (which was a lie, we met in january). This is just info from a talk we had after he called late last night. But this has happened before. I try not to act jealous or guarded and I don't feel like she is still not over him. But the whole situation is just odd and it makes me doubt her words. That's the part im worried about.

[smackie9]

Dude she is lying and playing you for a fool.

[TunaCat]

If she wanted him to stop contacting her, she would make it happen by blocking him on ALL social media & blocking his number. Since she hasn't done that, she clearly wants to keep in contact with him.