Girlfriend broke up with me and is now back

[Chigga]

Hey everyone, been reading on a lot of similar posts like these but my situation just has a bit more to it. So me and my girlfriend have always been a long distance relationship even when we started off. When we started the relationship, we had only one week to spend time together in person before I had to go to the other side of the world for 2 months.

 

We facetimed and texted every day and at that time in my life, i was learning to distinguish love and lust so I didn't talk sexually for the entire 2 months just to try to nurture the love. We became very deeply in love and thus, when i came back, we made love and continued on with our relationship.

 

The first year was amazing since even though we were long distance, this time around, instead of being 1000+ miles away, we were just an hour and a half train ride away so we saw each other every weekend and I cherished the memories of that year since we became very so in love with each other. However, financially and academically I started to fall behind in because I was so engrossed with doing a lot for her that I didn't try to find a balance for those said matters. So at the end of the year, when i had spent majority of my money and was behind in school, even though it was my fault and i recognized that, in a fit of anger i placed the blame on her and broke it off.

 

During the time that we were broken up, I kept the negative attitude and broke her down, one of the things I regret to this day, yet she continued to try to talk to me. Eventually we met up and just seeing her made me realize just how much I loved her because every time I see her, no matter what the circumstances are, I get butterflies in my stomach and a rush of warmth throughout my body and I can't help but just smile on the inside.

 

We ended up getting back together but I warned her that I would end up being emotionally detached just because of how I was doing at that point in life. She got back with me regardless and throughout that year, we had poor communication as in we barely talked. That was due to me because my logic was, the first year I gave her my all and ended up not in the place I had hoped for so I just want to hold back and let her make the effort rather than me. Bad idea. This was also the year we ended up becoming completely LDR since she went to a school that was 7 hours away by car/bus.

 

We didn't facetime as much but we texted a lot. She always wanted me to call and facetime but it always escaped my mind because I thought texting was enough. I've learned tho, that texting isn't enough to build a healthy relationship. On a completely side note, my family doesn't approve of her but that's due to what I would say as old thinking because they choose to listen to the words of others who just want to feel better about themselves by talking down on other people so bottom line, our relationship was kept secret from both of our families. That's also one of the reasons why I didn't call or facetime her whenever I was home because my family could hear everything i'd say on the phone no matter how far away from them I was.

 

Granted I could've gone outside, but I didn't. Anyways, the second year of our relationship was negative for her. She eventually broke up with me however, I just want to note that it was towards the end of the relationship that I started to shed away from being detached emotionally and I started to put in effort since I started calling her more often and talking to her a lot more often. Anyways, she broke it off with me and I was devastated but her reasoning was that she wanted space to improve herself, to become better so that we could eventually have a future together because she loved me and when she thought of the future, all she saw was us and our three kids and pets. During the time when she was talking about this while she was breaking up with me, because of what she had said, I approved of it so I didn't fight to not break up.

 

I genuinely wanted her to improve herself because as bad as I was with communication and such, I did love her and I wanted her to flourish. I say that because of the person she is. She's had a hard life growing up being abused by her father and she has depression. She's the strongest woman I have ever come to know and love and I've always wanted nothing but for her to be happy and smiling. The second year didn't reflect that thought and i can't justify what i've done. I was too caught up in my negative feelings that I neglected her. Anyways, we broke up and we still spoke after that. It was only after about a week later when I logged on facebook on my computer, realized i was on her and out of curiousity looking through her messages with her best friend did I realize that there was someone else and I WAS DEVASTATED. For the first time in my life, I was shaking and crying. For the first time I entered shock mode and felt anxiety.

 

I believe I had a panic attack that night and I called her begging her not to do anything with him etc etc. In hindsight, it was a sad sight to see for myself lol. She guaranteed that nothing was going to happen between him and her etc etc and she hung up the phone. I slept that night crying, screaming myself to sleep. That night, it took my little sister coming in to hug me and console me in order for me to calm down. Anyways, I found comfort in knowing she had made a promise of sorts that nothing was going to happen between the other guy and her so I spoke with her normally and facetimed her often. I became completely vulnerable and emotional with her and did not hold myself back emotionally at all. In that state, I ended up driving up to her school to stay with her after a couple weeks.

 

I was emotional but very vulnerable and she comforted me and reassured me. We had sex as well. Her roommate had planned to go back the next day and she wanted me to go back alongside her roommate because it was finals week and she wanted to focus. I didn't want to go but she forced me to go. So i left with her roommate. So the next day, me and her roommate leave and we talk and text. Her finals come and goes and she studies for it as she tells me however, i return a day later because I came to pick her up to take back down to her home rather than for her to take the bus back which is a soul wrenching trip. Anyways, I found out weeks later that the day that i left, the other guy had come over and they had sex. So at the moment my thought is that she pressed me to leave just for that sole purpose, to have sex with him despite telling me that she loved me and despite us being together the day before and having sex.

 

On the day i come back, that was the day after the whole shebang thing happened with the other guy and we fool around as well. Then we drive back down in the morning after we sleep together. Now ima just admit here that me during that time, i was in a state that just wanted to check on everything so whenever I got the chance, I would go through her phone etc etc. So what i found out what that during the car ride, she sexted him despite us singing to songs together and holding hands. A lot of sexting between him and her despite numerous occasions where we spent time together and had sex as well. This continued on for about a month until one day where we both were together and we ended up drunk. In her drunken stupor as well as me egging her on, she texted him to see if there was something between the two of them aside from sex and it was determined that he didn't want a relationship with her just yet or at all. It was at that point she realized whatever she had realized and we ended up becoming together again. Though not officially.

 

So with all that happening, we are back together again and we are happy. The communication has improved, we see each other whenever we can and I feel happy and she does too. But every now and then, thoughts those sexting texts hit me. The fact that she rushed me out just so she could sleep with the other guy the next day, after we had sex the day before, and the fact that we had sex the day after just hits me. I feel insecure as though I was not enough or couldn't satisfy her. These thoughts are toxic and I've been trying to get over it but i don't know how. We've talked about it and she says that at that time, she loved me but didn't want to and i try to tell myself that what's happened was because of me. It was but even then, just the timing of it all really hits me and i just feel like a blob of nothing. Just to note, before we broke up, she told me that she was holding hands with him and being emotionally closer to him.

 

I've forgiven her for cheating if it even counts but just the whole events that occurred between him and her and the timing of it just really gets to me. Just another thing, the night that i had called in my panic attack mode, it was during that day either before the call or after where she got drunk and had sex with him. Because she was drunk, i don't really let that get to me but that also hits sometimes.

 

I just don't know what to think or what to feel but I need help in trying to figure out how to get over something like this. Sorry for the wall of text. It's a long complicated story

Edited March 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs, please use them in the future

[Simple Logic]

Hey everyone, been reading on a lot of similar posts like these but my situation just has a bit more to it. So me and my girlfriend have always been a long distance relationship even when we started off. When we started the relationship, we had only one week to spend time together in person before I had to go to the other side of the world for 2 months.

 

We facetimed and texted every day and at that time in my life, i was learning to distinguish love and lust so I didn't talk sexually for the entire 2 months just to try to nurture the love. We became very deeply in love and thus, when i came back, we made love and continued on with our relationship.

 

The first year was amazing since even though we were long distance, this time around, instead of being 1000+ miles away, we were just an hour and a half train ride away so we saw each other every weekend and I cherished the memories of that year since we became very so in love with each other. However, financially and academically I started to fall behind in because I was so engrossed with doing a lot for her that I didn't try to find a balance for those said matters. So at the end of the year, when i had spent majority of my money and was behind in school, even though it was my fault and i recognized that, in a fit of anger i placed the blame on her and broke it off.

 

During the time that we were broken up, I kept the negative attitude and broke her down, one of the things I regret to this day, yet she continued to try to talk to me. Eventually we met up and just seeing her made me realize just how much I loved her because every time I see her, no matter what the circumstances are, I get butterflies in my stomach and a rush of warmth throughout my body and I can't help but just smile on the inside.

 

We ended up getting back together but I warned her that I would end up being emotionally detached just because of how I was doing at that point in life. She got back with me regardless and throughout that year, we had poor communication as in we barely talked. That was due to me because my logic was, the first year I gave her my all and ended up not in the place I had hoped for so I just want to hold back and let her make the effort rather than me. Bad idea. This was also the year we ended up becoming completely LDR since she went to a school that was 7 hours away by car/bus.

 

We didn't facetime as much but we texted a lot. She always wanted me to call and facetime but it always escaped my mind because I thought texting was enough. I've learned tho, that texting isn't enough to build a healthy relationship. On a completely side note, my family doesn't approve of her but that's due to what I would say as old thinking because they choose to listen to the words of others who just want to feel better about themselves by talking down on other people so bottom line, our relationship was kept secret from both of our families. That's also one of the reasons why I didn't call or facetime her whenever I was home because my family could hear everything i'd say on the phone no matter how far away from them I was.

 

Granted I could've gone outside, but I didn't. Anyways, the second year of our relationship was negative for her. She eventually broke up with me however, I just want to note that it was towards the end of the relationship that I started to shed away from being detached emotionally and I started to put in effort since I started calling her more often and talking to her a lot more often. Anyways, she broke it off with me and I was devastated but her reasoning was that she wanted space to improve herself, to become better so that we could eventually have a future together because she loved me and when she thought of the future, all she saw was us and our three kids and pets. During the time when she was talking about this while she was breaking up with me, because of what she had said, I approved of it so I didn't fight to not break up.

 

I genuinely wanted her to improve herself because as bad as I was with communication and such, I did love her and I wanted her to flourish. I say that because of the person she is. She's had a hard life growing up being abused by her father and she has depression. She's the strongest woman I have ever come to know and love and I've always wanted nothing but for her to be happy and smiling. The second year didn't reflect that thought and i can't justify what i've done. I was too caught up in my negative feelings that I neglected her. Anyways, we broke up and we still spoke after that. It was only after about a week later when I logged on facebook on my computer, realized i was on her and out of curiousity looking through her messages with her best friend did I realize that there was someone else and I WAS DEVASTATED. For the first time in my life, I was shaking and crying. For the first time I entered shock mode and felt anxiety.

 

I believe I had a panic attack that night and I called her begging her not to do anything with him etc etc. In hindsight, it was a sad sight to see for myself lol. She guaranteed that nothing was going to happen between him and her etc etc and she hung up the phone. I slept that night crying, screaming myself to sleep. That night, it took my little sister coming in to hug me and console me in order for me to calm down. Anyways, I found comfort in knowing she had made a promise of sorts that nothing was going to happen between the other guy and her so I spoke with her normally and facetimed her often. I became completely vulnerable and emotional with her and did not hold myself back emotionally at all. In that state, I ended up driving up to her school to stay with her after a couple weeks.

 

I was emotional but very vulnerable and she comforted me and reassured me. We had sex as well. Her roommate had planned to go back the next day and she wanted me to go back alongside her roommate because it was finals week and she wanted to focus. I didn't want to go but she forced me to go. So i left with her roommate. So the next day, me and her roommate leave and we talk and text. Her finals come and goes and she studies for it as she tells me however, i return a day later because I came to pick her up to take back down to her home rather than for her to take the bus back which is a soul wrenching trip. Anyways, I found out weeks later that the day that i left, the other guy had come over and they had sex. So at the moment my thought is that she pressed me to leave just for that sole purpose, to have sex with him despite telling me that she loved me and despite us being together the day before and having sex.

 

On the day i come back, that was the day after the whole shebang thing happened with the other guy and we fool around as well. Then we drive back down in the morning after we sleep together. Now ima just admit here that me during that time, i was in a state that just wanted to check on everything so whenever I got the chance, I would go through her phone etc etc. So what i found out what that during the car ride, she sexted him despite us singing to songs together and holding hands. A lot of sexting between him and her despite numerous occasions where we spent time together and had sex as well. This continued on for about a month until one day where we both were together and we ended up drunk. In her drunken stupor as well as me egging her on, she texted him to see if there was something between the two of them aside from sex and it was determined that he didn't want a relationship with her just yet or at all. It was at that point she realized whatever she had realized and we ended up becoming together again. Though not officially.

 

So with all that happening, we are back together again and we are happy. The communication has improved, we see each other whenever we can and I feel happy and she does too. But every now and then, thoughts those sexting texts hit me. The fact that she rushed me out just so she could sleep with the other guy the next day, after we had sex the day before, and the fact that we had sex the day after just hits me. I feel insecure as though I was not enough or couldn't satisfy her. These thoughts are toxic and I've been trying to get over it but i don't know how. We've talked about it and she says that at that time, she loved me but didn't want to and i try to tell myself that what's happened was because of me. It was but even then, just the timing of it all really hits me and i just feel like a blob of nothing. Just to note, before we broke up, she told me that she was holding hands with him and being emotionally closer to him.

 

I've forgiven her for cheating if it even counts but just the whole events that occurred between him and her and the timing of it just really gets to me. Just another thing, the night that i had called in my panic attack mode, it was during that day either before the call or after where she got drunk and had sex with him. Because she was drunk, i don't really let that get to me but that also hits sometimes.

 

I just don't know what to think or what to feel but I need help in trying to figure out how to get over something like this. Sorry for the wall of text. It's a long complicated story

 

Ok, I read everything you posted. So here is my question. If you blamed and broke up with your GF because you failed to properly manage your money, do you really believe you are the type of person who can forgive her for cheating on you? I think you will not be able to and should end it.

[Chigga]

Ok, I read everything you posted. So here is my question. If you blamed and broke up with your GF because you failed to properly manage your money, do you really believe you are the type of person who can forgive her for cheating on you? I think you will not be able to and should end it.

 

People change. When i broke it off with her due to the financial strains and such, i realized that it was a problem i contributed to. I could've said no in terms of spending but i chose not to because i wanted to spoil her. In any case, money means nothing to me compared to her. I do love her and I know she loves me as well. We were just in a bad place but the things that have occurred haunt me every now and then. Rest of the time we are completely fine and happy. I just have moments every now and then and im reminded of what happened in the past month and im just trying to move forward. We both are trying to. I just have moments of weakness and i'm trying to see how I could go about it to really get over it completely.

[Marc878]

You'll be fine until he comes back and gets more. Apparently she must like all the attention.

 

Better be prepared.

[Chigga]

You'll be fine until he comes back and gets more. Apparently she must like all the attention.

 

Better be prepared.

 

Well, at that time I wasn't giving her enough attention but it's different now.

 

It's been established that those two will remain friends and she hasn't spoken with him at all. She wants to move forward. She has her own things to deal with and i have mine. Only problem with mine is that i feel like it's a childish matter but even then it's affecting me. Can someone tell me how I should go about it, in either thinking or action

Edited March 25, 2017 by Chigga

[EmilyJane]

I think you've shown a tremendous capacity for self awareness and reflection.

 

That is literally the only thing that can save a relationship after cheating.

 

But your mental health is suffering. The anxiety is a natural response to the foundational betrayal by your partner. You are always subconsciously waiting for the pain of her doing it again. It is a sensible and realistic fear.

 

Neglect of her due to stress does not excuse cheating on you less than 24 hours after reconciliation. She will likely do it again. Once someone crosses that line it makes it easier to do it again.

 

To move forward in any direction or work on any of the issues you want to address in yourself. Get counselling. Tell them everything. Do some real work with someone on which bits are things you can work on and which bits are you taking blame to excuse here violating your trust and your connection so brutally.

 

You have suffered a huge emotional trauma, and there is no connection between her background or depression that excuses her behaviour. You are the one still suffering from it.

 

I do not actually believe you will salvage this relationship without both long term couples and individual therapy.