springblossoms Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 Hi everyone New kid on the block here, in my 40's, looking for advice. Having a really tough time in the "friend zone" with a man. I don't want to write a diatribe, so I will just get straight to the point. Can answer your questions, if anyone needs some filling in. This man friend, very often disappears, and then reappears in my life. It goes from ongoing chat buddies for months to all of a sudden, nothing and no contact. This bothers me a great deal, because I am a very open communicator. I don't treat people with silence for no reason, or use them. When he has done this in the past, and I have brought it up to ask why, I have been given a wide assortment of answers but none that have ever made any sense to me. I feel like he does this all the time (at random) to punish me for some reason I have no clue about. True friends don't treat each other this way. Right? Anyways, I used to value this friendship. He was someone who I enjoyed chatting with. I miss him, but am tired of being hurt wondering "what the heck now did I do wrong". Have not spoke to him in a month. He went silent again for no reason and I decided I was done being the one to always initiate contact. I feel like a child, having to ask on a forum what to do. Can I get some advice from some mid-life people who have been in similar situations? What should I do. Just discard and move on? When he decides to come back, then what? Is this a Mars and Venus thing or am I trying to be friends with the boogeyman? So much appreciated.
basil67 Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 You're in the "friendzone". So, he's just a friend, yes? My experience with true friends is that they understand that life gets busy and are understanding about it. With all my friends, I can talk to them frequently and then we have a gap because someone's life gets busy or timetable changes and then pick right back up where we left off. This is why we have a number of friends. It's so when one is absent for a bit, there are also others to spend time with. Being demanding of a friend's time or thinking that their absence is about us is a great way to lose friends. It's completely normal for friendships to be very fluid. 5
Author springblossoms Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 Yes, we have known each other for years, Gorilla. Thanks for the reply, Basil. Yes, he is just a friend. Chit chat only. I agree with what you are saying on your post. But this is not an issue of not having many friends. I have many. I'm trying to understand all the silences. Because I've known him for a long time, I know that silence is unlike him. Is there a deeper issue here I am not understanding? Sorry if my question seems petty. This is just really bothering me.
stillafool Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 No there is no deeper issue he gets to you when he gets to you. Otherwise he is living his life as a single man. Women always want to think there is some deeper issue and men are just not that complicated. If he really wanted you there would be no silent treatment he would pursue you. Out of sight and out of mind is what is happening here. 2
Author springblossoms Posted March 29, 2017 Author Posted March 29, 2017 Not looking to be pursued. I just value my best friends. If something is wrong, I'd like to know so I can fix it. Guessing doesn't go over well with me. lol In this case, I feel there is something wrong here. But even though I've asked him, I have not got any answers. Maybe he is just bored of my friendship and I am taking it way too personal 1
Redhead14 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 True friends don't treat each other this way. Right? -- I sounds to me like you two aren't on the same page in terms of the "level" of this friendship. You're calling it "best friends", but he's treating it more like acquaintances. If you're unhappy with the the ebb and flow of things between you, just cut him out of your life. That being said, friends come and go all the time. Maybe it's time to just let this one go. He comes and goes because you allow it. Don't do it anymore. 4
Larryville Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Having a really tough time in the "friend zone" with a man. This man friend, very often disappears, and then reappears in my life. I don't treat people with silence for no reason, or use them. I feel like he does this all the time (at random) to punish me for some reason I have no clue about. or am I trying to be friends with the boogeyman? Have you ever heard…. “If you have to force it, leave it alone: Not everyone you lose is a loss Your insistence on this dude being your friend is slightly mindboggling, why do you care so much? There is something else going on with you. This is not about him. Thanks to Facebook, the word “friend” is now so freaking meaningless. A friend… makes a commitment to your happiness. A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. Nope not him. A true friend won't ask you to compromise your principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever. Nope not him A good influence, helps make you a better person. Nope not him You are miserable it seems.... I just value my “best” friends. He is not even kinda sorta your friend, yet this bugs you. You need to explore why. 1
spiderowl Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 Anyone who regularly hurts you is not worth your time and attention. Whatever reason this guy has for disappearing, trust your gut feeling. You are hurting. I would guess you would never treat him like this. Basically, you are not his priority. You would be better finding someone who will be there for you, because that is fundamental in a relationship.
basil67 Posted March 29, 2017 Posted March 29, 2017 (edited) Not looking to be pursued. I just value my best friends. If something is wrong, I'd like to know so I can fix it. Guessing doesn't go over well with me. lol In this case, I feel there is something wrong here. But even though I've asked him, I have not got any answers. Maybe he is just bored of my friendship and I am taking it way too personal I think you're taking the whole thing far too personally. Why are you assuming that his periodic absences are about you? He could simply be one of those people who is happy to catch up periodically. My money is also on what Redhead wrote. You see him as a 'best friend' but he sees you as an acquaintance. Or a regular friend. Readjust your expectations of his friendship and you will feel far better. Edited March 29, 2017 by basil67
Author springblossoms Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 Have you ever heard…. “If you have to force it, leave it alone: Not everyone you lose is a loss Your insistence on this dude being your friend is slightly mindboggling, why do you care so much? There is something else going on with you. This is not about him. Thanks to Facebook, the word “friend” is now so freaking meaningless. A friend… makes a commitment to your happiness. A true friend is consistently willing to put your happiness before your friendship. Nope not him. A true friend won't ask you to compromise your principles in the name of your friendship or anything else. Ever. Nope not him A good influence, helps make you a better person. Nope not him You are miserable it seems.... I just value my “best” friends. He is not even kinda sorta your friend, yet this bugs you. You need to explore why. Thank you!
Author springblossoms Posted March 31, 2017 Author Posted March 31, 2017 True friends don't treat each other this way. Right? -- I sounds to me like you two aren't on the same page in terms of the "level" of this friendship. You're calling it "best friends", but he's treating it more like acquaintances. If you're unhappy with the the ebb and flow of things between you, just cut him out of your life. That being said, friends come and go all the time. Maybe it's time to just let this one go. He comes and goes because you allow it. Don't do it anymore. Thank you. Because it bothers me too much.....I think I do need to let him go. It is not working for me any other way.
Author springblossoms Posted April 2, 2017 Author Posted April 2, 2017 Let the friend go. Even deleted him off of everything. Lol Doesn't seem like he cared either. I guess that's reassuring 1
Author springblossoms Posted April 4, 2017 Author Posted April 4, 2017 Help! Feeling like crap. feels horrible removing someone who you thought was such a close friend out of your life. I have many other good friends. But this still bothers me!
Jersey born raised Posted April 4, 2017 Posted April 4, 2017 I think he will re-appear at some point but you are over reacting. His friendships, like a lot of friendships that guys have, is one of random association based on mutual areas of interests. If one guy is a motor head and the other a sports nut, they talk when these area overlap or when hanging our with a random group of guys by chance. That's it. Pushing for more is wrong. So, if you value is advise on a subject, just text otherwise leave it alone. If he texts just respond in the moment.
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