Piddle Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 I have a work bud who I have serious chemistry with. At least I feel the chemistry anyone's guess if it's one sided or not. I've written about him before as the timing wasn't right as he was just out of a relationship and we work closely.! We still work closely so that hasn't changed. We have lunch everyday just the 2 of us, trying different places. He comes to get me and never asks anyone else. A couple of times a week after work we go to a bar near where we work and then do dinner. again this is Just us 2. Sometimes he will pay, but normally we split. What is this we're doing? If I didn't know better I'd say it's like we're dating. But this has been happening for a really long time. We don't talk about relationships altho I know he has hookups and he does sometimes say random cr*p about a hookup he'll be having or someone he's casually dating. Last week he looked over my shoulder when I was texting a guy and asked who it was. I said it was someone I'm dating and it looks like it's going ok (this is true but I'm on the verge of falling for my work bud so it doesn't matter about this guy) and he said "awesome it's time you met someone" but the rest of the day and evening he was on such a downer. Just staring into his drink, looking sad, not laughing at my jokes. I asked if he was ok and he said he was missing his ex. I just don't get what we're doing.
Redhead14 Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 I have a work bud who I have serious chemistry with. At least I feel the chemistry anyone's guess if it's one sided or not. I've written about him before as the timing wasn't right as he was just out of a relationship and we work closely.! We still work closely so that hasn't changed. We have lunch everyday just the 2 of us, trying different places. He comes to get me and never asks anyone else. A couple of times a week after work we go to a bar near where we work and then do dinner. again this is Just us 2. Sometimes he will pay, but normally we split. What is this we're doing? If I didn't know better I'd say it's like we're dating. But this has been happening for a really long time. We don't talk about relationships altho I know he has hookups and he does sometimes say random cr*p about a hookup he'll be having or someone he's casually dating. Last week he looked over my shoulder when I was texting a guy and asked who it was. I said it was someone I'm dating and it looks like it's going ok (this is true but I'm on the verge of falling for my work bud so it doesn't matter about this guy) and he said "awesome it's time you met someone" but the rest of the day and evening he was on such a downer. Just staring into his drink, looking sad, not laughing at my jokes. I asked if he was ok and he said he was missing his ex. I just don't get what we're doing. You two are "buds", plain and simple. A guy who is really into you would let you know it and he would tell you he's missing his ex. If you're thinking he said that because you are dating someone just to play a "tit for tat"/passive-aggressive game, I'd think again -- "awesome it's time you met someone". The fact that you found someone likely caused him to miss his ex. Lot's of people look at others who have someone in their lives and cause them to miss that for themselves. And, if he does have romantic intentions with you, he's got really bad game. Don't string yourself along. He's at best a wishy-washy guy. You don't need that. I asked if he was ok -- You gave him a straight up opportunity to get real with you and he didn't take it . . . which means he probably was just on the "I could take her or leave her" fence anyway. 3
smackie9 Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 IMO he's being a doofus for talkin about hooking up with other women to boost his ego. I think he likes you, he is just so awkward.
preraph Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 Right now he's a friend. I don't know what he has going on that he might not be publishing to you. He may be dating around. Whatever. He's a friend you're doing lunch with. I used to have a couple of work guys I routinely went to lunch with. One was married and later wanted a relationship when his marriage went bad. That whole time, we both talked to each other a little about our love lives or problems with them. I did notice the one that ended up wanting a relationship never commented much about what was going on between me and whoever. So maybe I should have noticed that. It's always dicey dating at work. If you see each other this much just the two of you, surely the subject will come up eventually. The guys have to worry so much about sex harassment at work, that they are justifiably loathe to advance.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 You're his work wife. You serve as company and confidante during the day. But he hasn't taken it further although clearly you'd be willing. So he doesn't wish to have an association beyond that. 1
Kitchen Posted March 24, 2017 Posted March 24, 2017 You two are "buds", plain and simple. A guy who is really into you would let you know it and he would tell you he's missing his ex. If you're thinking he said that because you are dating someone just to play a "tit for tat"/passive-aggressive game, I'd think again -- "awesome it's time you met someone". The fact that you found someone likely caused him to miss his ex. Lot's of people look at others who have someone in their lives and cause them to miss that for themselves. And, if he does have romantic intentions with you, he's got really bad game. Don't string yourself along. He's at best a wishy-washy guy. You don't need that. I asked if he was ok -- You gave him a straight up opportunity to get real with you and he didn't take it . . . which means he probably was just on the "I could take her or leave her" fence anyway. He's being passive, doesn't have the confidence to ask you out. At least based on what you're telling us. "I miss my ex" was a defense mechanism. "Awesome it's time you met someone" was again a defense mechanism. He's afraid of coming off needy or getting rejected and therefore compensates by acting the exact opposite way. Same reason he keeps talking about hookups. It's a confidence thing, he's lacking. I bet it's because you're at work and it's always riskier trying to date a coworker, so I understand his sentiment. Just keep trying to hangout/talk to him. Maybe get drinks after work together. Alcohol should loosen up the spirit and crack that professional barrier that seems so hard to break. 1
Author Piddle Posted March 25, 2017 Author Posted March 25, 2017 He's being passive, doesn't have the confidence to ask you out. Maybe get drinks after work together. Alcohol should loosen up the spirit and crack that professional barrier that seems so hard to break. So we do this ALL the time. At least once a week, we have 'our evening' where we go on like 4 hour "dates" we go find a new bar, then go find a cool place to eat. We never split things evenly, so like sometimes I pay sometimes he pays like you do when your in a relationship and there is no need to keep track of who owes who money. We used to go out more than once a week, but I put a stop to more than once a week by saying I was busy other days this is because I felt I was falling for him and needed to get some sort of distance. I just don't get it. He has talked to me about how women should not feel sexually harassed at work so I'm wondering if this is why he is not making a move? But then why put up barriers to me asking him by telling me about women he's 'casually dating' or 'hooking up with'. Again I don't know if this is in my head but his expression gets all tight when he's asking about guys I'm seeing. I have been conditioned to believe if a guy wants you he will make it happen, so this weird not really dating dates is totaly confusing me. If he has the confidence to hook up with girls all the time, why does he not have the confidence to say to me 'hey have you thought about us being more than friends? No pressure'
Versacehottie Posted March 25, 2017 Posted March 25, 2017 So we do this ALL the time. At least once a week, we have 'our evening' where we go on like 4 hour "dates" we go find a new bar, then go find a cool place to eat. We never split things evenly, so like sometimes I pay sometimes he pays like you do when your in a relationship and there is no need to keep track of who owes who money. We used to go out more than once a week, but I put a stop to more than once a week by saying I was busy other days this is because I felt I was falling for him and needed to get some sort of distance. I just don't get it. He has talked to me about how women should not feel sexually harassed at work so I'm wondering if this is why he is not making a move? But then why put up barriers to me asking him by telling me about women he's 'casually dating' or 'hooking up with'. Again I don't know if this is in my head but his expression gets all tight when he's asking about guys I'm seeing. I have been conditioned to believe if a guy wants you he will make it happen, so this weird not really dating dates is totaly confusing me. If he has the confidence to hook up with girls all the time, why does he not have the confidence to say to me 'hey have you thought about us being more than friends? No pressure' I think he likes you. Not sure why he is not ready to move forward. Could be lots of reasons. I wouldn't transfer the confidence he has to do random hookups to what he is willing to take a chance with for you. I think guys are much of the time more careful about not wanting to ruin something that is a friendship or work situation. I think he's probably not worried about work situation in your case but definitely about ruining the friendship between you both. That's why he was acting bummed out after you said you were dating someone. He realizes things would change if you got a real bf. Maybe kicking himself for not stepping up and realizing he was about to lose you potentially. Also may be with potential loss of you that he is first grasping his 'real' feelings for you. You can't assume he processes this stuff like you do. Why don't you say the line bolded above and no matter what he says (he will be caught off guard for sure), let him marinate on it. I would imagine you will have the real answer in 2-4 weeks if not immediately & think it will be yes. Oh, only one caveat and it's big. Where is he in his life? In my opinion, guys will keep you in their life like the way he has (de-facto gf) but not move forward if they are not settled and secure in their own lives. The random hookups is a giveaway. He may not be in a place to have a gf right now. If that's the case, he certainly doesn't want to mess it up with the girl he actually likes and can imagine a future with at this point--that's why he's dragging things out--and gets bummed when he sees his chance with you slipping away.
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