Is it wrong to just ask him out?

[Inspiteofrselves]

BACKSTORY

 

About five years ago, I had my heart broken real bad. I've had relationships since then, but have never really been able to fall "in love" again. I don't think I'm too "damaged" to love. It's just that I am in my late 20s now, and attraction alone doesn't cut it. I want someone with values and morals and drive that allow me to really respect and trust him to try to do the right thing.

 

Anyway, I basically chucked myself into work and built a really nice career. I'm now a "boss lady," and have a reputation for being honest, fair and understanding. This however, can really freak dudes out. I come from a working class background, and am naturally interested in people with the same values. Most of the men I am attracted to make less money than me-- which doesn't bother me, but often bothers them. I haven’t really been able to meet guys from my background who are at where I am at professionally.

 

NOW

 

And then — I was contracted on a job and met a really amazing guy at work. He stuck up for the people under him, worked hard, was extremely talented, and doesn't seem to have an issue working with women, unlike a lot of his contemporaries. We are technically on the same "level" job wise, but in different positions. We got on very well, philosophically and professionally. I didn't realize I was interested in him until the end of the job, but when I did it felt very, kind of genuine and "young" in a good way. Whatever the outcome is, I am actually just very happy to know I can feel giggly about a fella anymore (even if it eventually turns into the neurotic mess below.)

 

After a really good work-goals-centric social email, he asked me to lunch, but didn't set a time-- once our job ended, I was still working in the same office and I tried, twice, to set the time for that lunch. The times never worked out. I think he was legit busy, because once he was walking out the door with me once and got physically pulled back in.

 

I stop trying and weeks pass. I start getting really shy and nervous. He'll try to start conversations, and I am really breif because basically, I shouldn't be seen flirting with a collegue if I want to be taken seriously at work, and also, he's cute and it freaks me out. I am vaguely brave in emails, but totally one word answer on the floor. Basically I napalmed everything being weird, I think. So, after a few weeks of this he also starts to get flustered talking to me and was a bit awkward, which I find charming, but can only meet with more awkwardness. There was a lot of "catching eyes" and looking away, that kind of thing. He’s really natural and confident around everyone else, and so am I-- but not with each other, which is a bummer because we got on so well and easily earlier. Can't tell if it's each of us trying to be respectful in work place while facing mutual attraction, or if he thinks I'm insane and weird because I can't deal.

 

A couple months pass, I'm about to leave, and finally, I just walk up to him and say "Hey, are we ever going to get that lunch?" and he says, "sure, how about today? I'll work around you." We do and it's great. Really great. Just natural and clicky. He apologizes after for "being negative" I tell him I didn't think he was, and I liked what he had to say. He then starts making up reasons that sound vaguely work related, but don't entirely make sense, to hang out again.

 

And then, we don't.

 

I leave the job, he (very nervously) interrupts a conversation I'm having with a superior on my last day to say goodbye and ask where I’m going next. We say we’ll see each other again etc, and then he doesn't contact me. I know first hand he is extremely busy-- but, if he were into me, even if he was buried in work wouldn't he reach out?

 

Then I did maybe a bad thing.

 

That last interaction was about three weeks ago. I was still thinking about it, so I decided to shoot my shot and emailed him explaining I'd just got back from another job and am setting up my calendar, and asked if he would like to get dinner. It takes him two days to respond saying "most certainly" while explaining he says he's not free for a few weeks.

 

1. Am I just not taking a hint? I need to take a hint right?

 

2. Am I being too aggressive? Half of me thinks he's shy, and the other half thinks maybe he was interested at one point and isn't now. Is it totally domineering and inappropriate to be asking if he wants to hang out? Maybe it was? I can't decide if the "women shouldnt ask men out" rule is good or should be retired. I am often told that because of my personality at work (REALLY different than my personality with men) guys assume if I’m interested I’ll let them know— but I dunno? Guys do hit on me regularly (usually outside of work) I am just not interested in them.

 

3. Is this guy curving me? I am potentially valuable to his work, so maybe that's what's going on? My close collegue who knows said he is maybe standoffish because I am too aloof and don’t seem like I would be in this situation, so he thinks I'm not interested and doesn't want to be disrespectful-- but I feel like, after trying to set up a hang three total times I am being thirsty as hell and maybe he's just trying to be polite? It would be really embarrasing and I would feel awful if I were making him feel uncomfortable.

 

4. How should I respond to this email?

 

 

Sorry, thanks, sorry. Yes. I was fat in high school.

[Redhead14]

[]

 

Anyone who has ducked out of lunch/meeting with me with the same excuse more than 2 times, tops, and hasn't been clear about their intentions with me and causes me to write so much over so little, is at best friendzoned or forgotten about.

 

You are trying to hold on to a remotely "live one" because, well, he's shown you what you think is a tiny bit of interest . . . you can do better.

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted full quote of immediately preceding post ~6

[Erik30]

He's not interested. (Anymore) A guy who likes you isn't going to make you wait "a few weeks," I don't care how busy he is.

[coolheadal]

Stop this.. Move on and find someone else. You're wasting so much of your life with him you don't have anything with him. Real or fake you just don't have anything. Asking a guy out is easy getting him to say he will go out with you is another case. When a man loves a woman, (yes from a song) you know the rest of those words. Are you going to say you feel that from him or anything else nope..