Girlfriend being vague

[Johnson1]

I just started a new relationship with this woman who appears to be everything I've always waited for. I should mention we're both older. She's an extremely young 60 and I'm 53. Right off the bat she's been absolutely wonderful in her actions of showing how much she loves me, put we're in a relationship on facebook with our pics together on everything, sings me praises on everything. seems to love me to death and said she would do anything for me, (defriended and blocked her ex who still wants her, deleted some of their photos together, always calls, etc. We talk for hours on the phone when we're not together sometimes 4 times a day. She's always home. (this much I certain about because she calls from her home number). She's going to move in with me and wants me to handle all her money to distribute to her grand daughter when she's gone because her 45 year old son who lives with her is worthless and leaches off her.

 

Even as wonderful as she is, something feels off. She lives and hour and a half away and I'm going to pick her up later on because she says she has a doctors appointment at 1pm and it she said it takes upwards of 2 hours sitting in the waiting area to be seen, then have to wait more in the little room they put you in. She wants me to come pick her up late because she told me she has 'things to do' afterwards, but didn't say what. Then when we were on the phone she said to her son she had to talk to him about something and that she'd call me back, which she did, but when she called back she told me she had to ask him if he was going to the convenience store which I found odd. That's something she could've just asked him while we were on the phone.

 

Then, even though I have a laptop to use to get on the internet so she can go on facebook she wanted to bring her laptop so we could 'as she put it', 'have fun texting each other back and forth', even though we'd be in the same room. Again, odd. I think she's concerned about me obtaining her logon info, which concerns me. She does empty all her cookies and traces of info before she logs off the computer because she told me. She's very computer saavy. I've also noticed that she keep her voicemail password protected on her phone because one day in the car I heard it. She brought up her voicemail on speakerphone, but there were a ton of voicemails she just automatically deleted as soon as she heard what number it was before the message could be heard.

 

Even with what I mentioned I don't want to ruin a good thing by being inquisitive and suspicious. It's been the downfall of all my past relationships. She is a total sweetheart who bends over backwards to please me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She's met my mom who loves her as well as everyone else in including me friends. With the exception of these things I couldn't ask for more.

 

I don't want to spy on her for fear of getting caught and I don't want to start questioning her and act accusatory, and I don't want to think I don't trust her because she tells me she trusts me 150%. She even says she doesn't want to go out to a bar without me even though she wants me to go out and have fun. We're ALWAYS in contact no matter what and she always answers her phone right away. She told me she's going to bring her cell to the doctors office if I want to call her.

 

I'm I being paranoid or do I have legitimate concern for her vagueness?

Edited March 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[olivetree]

I don't see any cause for concern in your gf's behaviour.

 

And if this has been the downfall of all your past relationships then the problem certainly lies with you.

 

Have you considered therapy to get to the bottom of it?

[Redhead14]

Once someone identifies an issue they claim has been the downfall in other relationships . . . whatever is going on in the current relationship is likely "all them". Get a grip on your insecurity unless she says or does something that gives you empirical/real reason for concern. Computer maintenance habits isn't one of them.

[Gr8fuln2020]

She's going to move in with me and wants me to handle all her money to distribute to her grand daughter when she's gone because her 45 year old son who lives with her is worthless and leaches off her.

 

I do apologize, but you just met this woman. Why is she moving in with you???

 

Frankly, I see three red flags here.

 

1. Just met and you're having her move in with you. A total stranger?

2. She says that she has a leeching son, so what happens to him? Does he move in with you? Make constant visits and eventually becomes a problem for you too?

3. She's offering to give YOU control over her finances??? A total stranger?

 

Now, I know you seem to think you know her, but you JUST met. There is much about her you don't know nor have verified. She's always home. Does she not work? Retired. Active? Are you active? I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a woman who does not remain active, but to each his/her own.

 

I know that all that verbal candy is making you feel good about yourself and her, but I would really be careful.

[Johnson1]

I don't see any cause for concern in your gf's behaviour.

 

And if this has been the downfall of all your past relationships then the problem certainly lies with you.

 

Have you considered therapy to get to the bottom of it?

 

Yes and no. I've told her about my past relationships and what transpired and she agreed the last chick I dated was a liar, manipulator who cheated. My ex wife of 31 years also cheated. I gave her all the sorted details about all my relationships and was honest. I was a little quiet on the phone after all that happened and she noticed it and asked if there was anything wrong, but I told her no. Maybe I'll call her back and be more upbeat. She is looking forward to coming up and I don't want to ruin that by being an A hole unnecessarily. I absolutely love this woman. She truly is remarkable. To the point where it seems too good to be true, but you're right. Maybe the problem is my own.

[CloudyHead]

Always trust your gut instincts. The times I didn't trust my gut instincts turned out to be bad choices and decisions for me.

[Johnson1]

I do apologize, but you just met this woman. Why is she moving in with you???

 

Frankly, I see three red flags here.

 

1. Just met and you're having her move in with you. A total stranger?

2. She says that she has a leeching son, so what happens to him? Does he move in with you? Make constant visits and eventually becomes a problem for you too?

3. She's offering to give YOU control over her finances??? A total stranger?

 

Now, I know you seem to think you know her, but you JUST met. There is much about her you don't know nor have verified. She's always home. Does she not work? Retired. Active? Are you active? I personally would not want to be in a relationship with a woman who does not remain active, but to each his/her own.

 

I know that all that verbal candy is making you feel good about yourself and her, but I would really be careful.

 

It's a fact that her son is abusive towards her and she wants to get away from him, but at the same time I do think she is really sincere about how she feels. She doesn't work because she receives disability payments. She isn't a total stranger. We have a lot of mutual friends and I've met her best friend (a woman) who all agree she's a total sweetheart. I don't know. Maybe the others are right. I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

[Redhead14]

Yes and no. I've told her about my past relationships and what transpired and she agreed the last chick I dated was a liar, manipulator who cheated. My ex wife of 31 years also cheated. I gave her all the sorted details about all my relationships and was honest. I was a little quiet on the phone after all that happened and she noticed it and asked if there was anything wrong, but I told her no. Maybe I'll call her back and be more upbeat. She is looking forward to coming up and I don't want to ruin that by being an A hole unnecessarily. I absolutely love this woman. She truly is remarkable. To the point where it seems too good to be true, but you're right. Maybe the problem is my own.

 

You are carrying around a lot of baggage. Don't project them on to another person ever. It's unfair and causes them to distance themselves when they realize that you can't be fully engaged and connected because of all that distraction and noise in your head. And, the fact remains, that you cannot control another person. You can't build a fence high enough to keep a person in if they want to get away. Relax and stop trying to "control" the situation. Once you take that weight off your shoulders, you can just sit back, observe and enjoy what you have.

[Johnson1]

Always trust your gut instincts. The times I didn't trust my gut instincts turned out to be bad choices and decisions for me.

 

I know. I've told myself the same thing, especially after my last relationship wit a liar cheater. I never listened to my gut, but this is different. I've NEVER had anyone say and do the wonderful things she does. It is possible I could be reading into things too much or she's testing me.

[Johnson1]

You are carrying around a lot of baggage. Don't project them on to another person ever. It's unfair and causes them to distance themselves when they realize that you can't be fully engaged and connected because of all that distraction and noise in your head. And, the fact remains, that you cannot control another person. You can't build a fence high enough to keep a person in if they want to get away. Relax and stop trying to "control" the situation. Once you take that weight off your shoulders, you can just sit back, observe and enjoy what you have.

 

Agreed. Trying. The whole thing with her son is weird though. She never gets off the phone to talk to her son, especially about something as simple as she said it was. I have a feeling she's not being honest, but it doesn't necessarily mean it could be anything bad. I'm calling her now.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It's a fact that her son is abusive towards her and she wants to get away from him, but at the same time I do think she is really sincere about how she feels. She doesn't work because she receives disability payments. She isn't a total stranger. We have a lot of mutual friends and I've met her best friend (a woman) who all agree she's a total sweetheart. I don't know. Maybe the others are right. I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Okay, so perhaps not a 'total stranger.' But my concern is that you may not be cautious enough. I'm not saying to sabotage the relationship as before, but dating this lady DOES mean you will have to deal with her abusive son in some way. Just be prepared to do so.

 

As per her handing over her finances to you, wow. Not total strangers, but seems too soon to allow someone whom you've dated for a short period of time to handle one's finances.

 

No, I don't believe you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Making a small mound out of a molehill is a safe thing to do for now. In any event, since you seem to have a pretty good grasp of what kind of person she is, it's okay to be cautious w/o sabotaging your relationship. She does seem sweet and cares for you.

[Redhead14]

Agreed. Trying. The whole thing with her son is weird though. She never gets off the phone to talk to her son, especially about something as simple as she said it was. I have a feeling she's not being honest, but it doesn't necessarily mean it could be anything bad. I'm calling her now.

 

She never gets off the phone to talk to her son, especially about something as simple as she said it was. -- It is none of your business what goes on between her and her son. You are not married or even engaged to her.

 

And, perhaps, she just felt that she didn't want that distraction while talking to you and/or didn't want to be distracted from her son. That is "minutia" you are worrying about.

[Johnson1]

Okay, so perhaps not a 'total stranger.' But my concern is that you may not be cautious enough. I'm not saying to sabotage the relationship as before, but dating this lady DOES mean you will have to deal with her abusive son in some way. Just be prepared to do so.

 

As per her handing over her finances to you, wow. Not total strangers, but seems too soon to allow someone whom you've dated for a short period of time to handle one's finances.

 

No, I don't believe you're making a mountain out of a molehill. Making a small mound out of a molehill is a safe thing to do for now. In any event, since you seem to have a pretty good grasp of what kind of person she is, it's okay to be cautious w/o sabotaging your relationship. She does seem sweet and cares for you.

.

 

I know. She does. Her son will be out of our lives because she can't stand him and wants him to leave us alone and do his own thing. Guaranteed he won't be coming here and she doesn't want him here. Like the other stuff the finance thing also seem odd. Her trust in me is off the charts. It's because she said she's never had anyone be so sweet to her and have such a connection with in her entire life.

 

I was going to call her while she's waiting at the doctors office, but I think I'll leave it up to her to call. I don't want her to think I'm checking up on her.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I think she just has a life of her own. Not every single thing she does has to involve you. (The laptop thing, for example.) And sure, she could have forgotten to tell her son something on the phone.

 

You two aren't married. She doesn't have to tell you every single store she's planning to duck into on her "things to do." She is older and single; she isn't used to detailing her day exactly for an SO.

 

With that said, I'd be leery of constantly ferrying her back and forth...doesn't she have any independence that way? What did she do before you came along when she had to get somewhere?

[Johnson1]

She never gets off the phone to talk to her son, especially about something as simple as she said it was. -- It is none of your business what goes on between her and her son. You are not married or even engaged to her.

 

And, perhaps, she just felt that she didn't want that distraction while talking to you and/or didn't want to be distracted from her son. That is "minutia" you are worrying about.

 

She has talked to her son (and her girlfriend next door while on the phone) and just had me hold on. It is possible that she may have been concerned about her sons response about what they talked about because he does go off on her sometimes. He is very verbally, and on rare occasions physically abusive with her and I know she doesn't want me to ever hear or see it because she knows I would go off on him. However, this is the first time she ended a call to do it. You're right, it is none of my business. Believe me, I'm trying not to read into things.

[rester]

Even as wonderful as she is, something feels off. She lives and hour and a half away and I'm going to pick her up later on because she says she has a doctors appointment at 1pm and it she said it takes upwards of 2 hours sitting in the waiting area to be seen, then have to wait more in the little room they put you in. She wants me to come pick her up late because she told me she has 'things to do' afterwards, but didn't say what. Then when we were on the phone she said to her son she had to talk to him about something and that she'd call me back, which she did, but when she called back she told me she had to ask him if he was going to the convenience store which I found odd. That's something she could've just asked him while we were on the phone.

 

I don't find much of this odd. She doesn't need to tell you every detail about her day.

 

Then, even though I have a laptop to use to get on the internet so she can go on facebook she wanted to bring her laptop so we could 'as she put it', 'have fun texting each other back and forth', even though we'd be in the same room. Again, odd.

Her wanting to bring her own laptop is not odd. I can understand that...she probably prefers her own settings and keyboard.

 

we could 'as she put it', 'have fun texting each other back and forth', even though we'd be in the same room.

Okay, that is "odd", but maybe she was just using that as an excuse because you were being weird about her bringing her laptop with her.

 

I think she's concerned about me obtaining her logon info, which concerns me. She does empty all her cookies and traces of info before she logs off the computer because she told me. She's very computer saavy. I've also noticed that she keep her voicemail password protected on her phone because one day in the car I heard it. She brought up her voicemail on speakerphone, but there were a ton of voicemails she just automatically deleted as soon as she heard what number it was before the message could be heard.

I don't find this abnormal.

 

I'm I being paranoid or do I have legitimate concern for her vagueness?

I think you are being a little paranoid but I also don't think you should hold back discussing things. I think you can find a way to have a discussion with her about your perceptions of her vagueness without being too nosy and intrusive.

[Johnson1]

I think she just has a life of her own. Not every single thing she does has to involve you. (The laptop thing, for example.) And sure, she could have forgotten to tell her son something on the phone.

 

You two aren't married. She doesn't have to tell you every single store she's planning to duck into on her "things to do." She is older and single; she isn't used to detailing her day exactly for an SO.

 

With that said, I'd be leery of constantly ferrying her back and forth...doesn't she have any independence that way? What did she do before you came along when she had to get somewhere?

 

I know, but she always says she's not a liar and regardless of whether or not it is trivial, the fact remains it does sound like what she had to get off the phone to talk to him about is a bogus reason, which means she does lie, innocent or not. I've spoken with her enough times on the phone to know her patterns. I'm not trying to control her in any way shape or form. It just seems out of the norm for her.

[Redhead14]

Believe me, I'm trying not to read into things. -- And, yet, you are . . .

 

Logically, knowing what you know about how he engages her at times, should tell you enough to understand why should would have done what she did. Just because she hasn't done it in the past, doesn't mean this circumstance shouldn't be different. Instead, you spun it into something else . . . that she was being vague with you and dishonest.

[Johnson1]

I think you can find a way to have a discussion with her about your perceptions of her vagueness without being too nosy and intrusive.

 

I don't see how, especially if you think it's all in my head. I won't say anything and see what happens and how much she wants to divulge about her day. She said I can call her at the doctors office while she waits, but I won't. I'll leave it to her to call. Again, I don't want her to think I'm checking up on her.

[Johnson1]

Believe me, I'm trying not to read into things. -- And, yet, you are . . .

 

Logically, knowing what you know about how he engages her at times, should tell you enough to understand why should would have done what she did. Just because she hasn't done it in the past, doesn't mean this circumstance shouldn't be different. Instead, you spun it into something else . . . that she was being vague with you and dishonest.

 

I suppose. I said I was 'trying', not doing. lol.....thanks. :-)

[CaliforniaGirl]

I know, but she always says she's not a liar and regardless of whether or not it is trivial, the fact remains it does sound like what she had to get off the phone to talk to him about is a bogus reason, which means she does lie, innocent or not. I've spoken with her enough times on the phone to know her patterns. I'm not trying to control her in any way shape or form. It just seems out of the norm for her.

 

But you don't know this is a lie. I don't care how it sounds. Sometimes I talk to my sister for three hours and then realize after we hang up that the one thing I was originally going to talk to her about never got said.

 

Either way, it DOES sound controlling to grouse and say "whether or not it's trivial..." (hint: IT IS), to be that much of a stickler over every last detail of every last thing she tells you and to demand absolute truth.

 

For instance, what if what she wanted to talk to the son about was that he said he might have an STD and she suddenly realized after she hung up that she had read something about it that might be helpful? (Extreme example but there ARE things people might not just go tell a boyfriend, and that's all you are right now, BTW.) What if the "thing she wants to do in town" is pick up those little inserts that are supposed to help with bladder leaks? Or an enema kit? Should she have given you absolute truth because even though it was "trivial" you somehow deserved to know? "Honey, can you give me an hour after the doctor's appointment? I'm seeing him for piles and I may need to walk over to the pharmacy to pick up suppositories."

 

What if she wanted to hang up the phone because she wanted to talk to her friend about an insecurity she has about your relationship with her but she doesn't want you to know that sometimes she feels clingy with that?

 

LayTF off. You're going to grip too tight and she's going to run away. You ARE being controlling. Stop it.

[Johnson1]

I'd like to thank everyone for their candidness and objectivity. I thought about calling her while she waits for 2 hours at the doctors office and told me I could because she'd have her cell on her, but not sure if I should. Like I said, I don't want her to think I'm checking up on her, but on the other hand I would like to talk with her because I was a little quiet over the phone when we spoke this morning and she noticed it. I did kinda ended the call sooner than usual because I told her I had to get ready and had things to do. I am a worrier and so is she. I really don't want her to think somethings bothering me especially since I'm suppose to pick her up later.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'd like to thank everyone for their candidness and objectivity. I thought about calling her while she waits for 2 hours at the doctors office and told me I could because she'd have her cell on her, but not sure if I should. Like I said, I don't want her to think I'm checking up on her, but on the other hand I would like to talk with her because I was a little quiet over the phone when we spoke this morning and she noticed it. I did kinda ended the call sooner than usual because I told her I had to get ready and had things to do. I am a worrier and so is she. I really don't want her to think somethings bothering me especially since I'm suppose to pick her up later.

 

Yeah.

 

You're on the way to losing her with this childish pouting.

 

You said you like honesty so there's some real honesty and I'm not trying to snark. I'm being real. As a GF I wouldn't put up with this sort of thing for long. Whether you mean it this way or not (and you probably don't - you seem the decent sort), it comes off as: I'm going to force my way into your privacy by first asking, then, when you won't give up exact details, pouting. It seems like the way a 5-year-old would operate and the pouting seems as controlling as the questions.

 

Get a hold on this problem you're having and if over time you legitimately feel constantly lied to, then that's the problem itself and you probably need to be going out with someone else instead, because in that latter case, either you literally can not control your jealousy and suspicion, or she actually is a liar and you definitely CAN'T control that...liars just get more sneaky when they're discovered.

 

I hope this all works out for you. As I said, you seem like a good guy. But you do sound controlling. I'm sorry. Work on that.

[Johnson1]

What's messed up is once you've been lied to and cheated on by gaslighter's and narcissists to the point where you doubt yourself and your own inquisitiveness you started to doubt everything and anything, even your own gut.

 

In my case I'm 90% certain (and in some cases 100%) right about my ex's and so are others I know who have either known them personally and advised me beforehand to stay away, or whom I explained events to them and they concurred they were BS'ers. This woman is unequivocally the best woman I've ever been with in my entire life, sweet as can be, loving, caring, compassionate, soft hearted, yet I'm starting to question even her. If I lose her I'm done forever with relationships. I am dead serious.

[Johnson1]

I want for once in my life to think no one's hiding anything and know in my heart and mind it's true. Sometimes it seems like an impossibility.