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Worried For My Safety

Dis

By Dis
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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Jj66 Established Member

Jj66

Posted
Posted (edited)

Sorry I missed this thread. And sorry you're having to deal with this.

 

Besides getting a DVPO as others suggest, stop reading his texts. Especially on Facebook where he knows when you have seen them.

 

As far as harassment laws go, most of the time you are required to ask them to stop messaging you first. Then if they continues, that is harassment.

 

So, my advice, depending on the laws in your state. Send him one message. One message only.

 

"Your messages are harassing and unwanted. We have nothing to talk about. Stop immediately." Then block him on Facebook and don't say or write another word to him.

 

Don't read another one of the texts that go to the archive in your phone. Do not delete the archive, though. You may need it for evidence.

 

You may not be able to block him with your phone's software but your provider can absolutely block his number. Many have an online system for you to do it yourself (I know Verizon does). If not, call your provider to report the harassment and ask them to block his number for you.

Edited by Jj66
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bluefeather Established Member

bluefeather

Posted
Posted

Just saw this. You gotta go with the restraining order.

 

Here is what you do. Contact the police and file a report. Follow their directions on getting a restraining order. Also ask if your state has a law making misuse of computer equipment a crime - it is usually a felony undervthe theft section of state laws. He stole your information.

 

Then hire an attorney. Have the attorney send a letter to the doctor that employed your boy friend that you are going to bring a law suit against the doctor if he does not press criminal charges against your BF for misuse of computer equipment.

 

I think the above is the best advice - all of it. If I were you, I would want to go all the way and teach that person not to ever f*ck with me or my family like that.

 

I understand your point about filing a restraining order and I dont doubt that he is a threat to me but I'm concerned that if I do file, that will tip him over the edge

 

You sound afraid and I'm really sorry that you are being put through that. IMO, you should be more concerned with having the law on your side. With the crap he's doing, he already could be over the edge, which is all the more reason for you to go to the authorities.

 

I assure you that he will all lay out to the cops and never do it again. Those who do are reckless psychopaths...

 

Exactly. If this guy ignores a restraining order, that means he is probably a psychopath. If he is a psychopath, he could do something no matter what, meaning even if you did nothing at all. Get the cops on your side to work for and protect you.

  • Like 2
EmilyJane Established Member

EmilyJane

Posted
Posted

You need to call the national domestic violence hotline in your country to get the help to sort through the mess in your head and to get help with a sensible safety plan.

 

And you need to do it now

 

He will escalate

 

Women are killed every day in this situation

 

Be smart

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  • 2 weeks later...
ImComplicated Member

ImComplicated

Posted
Posted
I'm wondering why you haven't blocked his number. Because you need to do that right now...

 

She already told us; she has an Android phone, which doesn't allow you to block, unwanted texts just go straight to the spam folder.

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ImComplicated Member

ImComplicated

Posted
Posted
I doubt he's that much a bad ass. Once he gets the police at his door for harassment, stalking behavior and the other things he has done to you, I assure you that he will all lay out to the cops and never do it again. Those who do are reckless psychopaths and it's probably not his case. He's probably not going to hurt you, I hope so anyway, but his persistance makes me wonder about his mental health.

 

Fill a complaint, it's a courageous but needed move. Most of the time, a ''friendly'' interrogation by the police ends it all. This is needed sooner rather than later.

 

But this guy has a history of ignoring all boundaries and rules set by society, including personal boundaries, confidentiality boundaries, social boundaries and THE LAW (hence his extensive criminal history). To me, he sounds exactly like the deranged psycho you worry about becoming violent.

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ImComplicated Member

ImComplicated

Posted
Posted

And OP is right to be nervous about filing a restraining order - these types are most likely to become violent right after their victim files a restraining order against them. And I wouldn't put it past this guy to ignore a restraining order at all - he's ignored and violated all sorts of rules in pretty much all aspects of his life. he's violated personal and relationship boundaries, he's violated the privacy HIPPA oath that is required to keep his job and he's violated the law (hence his extensive criminal history). So what makes you think he'd comply with a restraining order?

 

I know you guys mean well, but doing as you say (filing the RO) may very well put her more at risk of being physically harmed or worse.

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Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted

Any update Dis? You have started this thread almost three weeks ago and aren't responding anymore to the advice's we are trying to give you.

  • Like 1
marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted (edited)

People will disagree with me here but given his criminal history, you should have let sleeping dogs lie.

 

 

Who cares if he was snooping into your medical files. At least that doesn't lead to physical harm. Now you have to worry about him showing up at your home or even your parent's home.

 

 

He wanted a reaction, you gave him one and now he gets to up the anti. And all you get now is MORE STRESS.

 

 

Just STOP reacting and stay full NC. That also means stop logging into your social media. Even better, de-activate your accounts. Surely your own health and safety is more important than maintaining a presence on social media.

 

 

Your clearly not over him or you wouldn't be reacting the way you are. Total NC is the only thing that will help you now. NC also means not caring if he's snooping (even if its means him discovering personal info). What you don't know does not hurt you.

 

 

Also, if this guy ends up in prison, how would you feel then? Just totally walk away from this now. Do NC properly.

Edited by marky00
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SoThatHappened Established Member

SoThatHappened

Posted
Posted

Wow, how haven't you filed a restraining order and just gotten a new phone number?

 

All of this talk and none of the appropriate actions on your end.

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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted

I'm so sorry guys! :eek:

 

I keep forgetting about this thread!

 

I have heard from him a few times, he's texted me. Reading his texts dont upset me...the reason why I read them is because I'm trying to keep an eye on his state of mind

 

I do have one thing on my side...he texted me that he recently had knee surgery (he had a lot of problems with his knee when we were together that needed to be surgically repaired) he told me how 'its all my fault' that he is no longer able to afford his medical care and he "probably wont walk right again for the rest of his life because of" me

 

So if he were to come after me, I might be able to out run him...theres the silver lining

 

His texts are full of pity, full of blame shifting...not much anger anymore but I know that means nothing....he's not a dumb guy (although he may seem like it) he knows I can take his texts to the police

 

Someone mentioned that he is the type of guy to ignore a restraining order and that it very well could tip him over the edge...from my point of view...thats 100% correct. He has no boundaries whatsoever...he cheated on me the entire 2.5 years we were together...he's reaching out to my parents which is totally out of line...he actually owes them money (we know they'll never get it back so they dont bother) but the fact that he thinks he can get sympathy from them and from me considering everything he's done is just astonishing

 

I'm keeping an eye out and I'm probably moving soon too...not too far away at all but a new location would be good for me for many reasons

 

Thanks so much guys for looking out for me. I really appreciate your kindess and concern. You guys are awesome :):love::bunny:

  • Like 2
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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Wow, how haven't you filed a restraining order and just gotten a new phone number?

 

All of this talk and none of the appropriate actions on your end.

 

For the posters who are saying I should block him/get a new phone number

 

His texts go to a spam folder but I purposely check it because I want to know where his head is at

 

His texts dont bother me in the least and I never reply nor am I tempted to

 

And the restraining order? A poster above summed it up perfectly. He has no boundaries. A piece of paper would sooner tip him over the edge than it would stop him

  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
And OP is right to be nervous about filing a restraining order - these types are most likely to become violent right after their victim files a restraining order against them. And I wouldn't put it past this guy to ignore a restraining order at all - he's ignored and violated all sorts of rules in pretty much all aspects of his life. he's violated personal and relationship boundaries, he's violated the privacy HIPPA oath that is required to keep his job and he's violated the law (hence his extensive criminal history). So what makes you think he'd comply with a restraining order?

 

I know you guys mean well, but doing as you say (filing the RO) may very well put her more at risk of being physically harmed or worse.

 

You nailed it. Thank you :)

Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
People will disagree with me here but given his criminal history, you should have let sleeping dogs lie.

 

 

Who cares if he was snooping into your medical files. At least that doesn't lead to physical harm. Now you have to worry about him showing up at your home or even your parent's home.

 

 

He wanted a reaction, you gave him one and now he gets to up the anti. And all you get now is MORE STRESS.

 

 

Just STOP reacting and stay full NC. That also means stop logging into your social media. Even better, de-activate your accounts. Surely your own health and safety is more important than maintaining a presence on social media.

 

 

Your clearly not over him or you wouldn't be reacting the way you are. Total NC is the only thing that will help you now. NC also means not caring if he's snooping (even if its means him discovering personal info). What you don't know does not hurt you.

 

 

Also, if this guy ends up in prison, how would you feel then? Just totally walk away from this now. Do NC properly.

 

 

I agree with Mark..

 

If this guy is truly a narc the last thing you need to do is add FUEL to his problem. I suggest you save and keep a voice recorder (even though it may be illegal to record another person in your state) every thing and document everything. Save all emails.

 

Any interaction with this person you tell them (you were wrong)

 

Defuse any methods of provoking them.

 

He may seem safe a cuddly now... but you never know when he will shift.

  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I agree with Mark..

 

If this guy is truly a narc the last thing you need to do is add FUEL to his problem. I suggest you save and keep a voice recorder (even though it may be illegal to record another person in your state) every thing and document everything. Save all emails.

 

Any interaction with this person you tell them (you were wrong)

 

Defuse any methods of provoking them.

 

He may seem safe a cuddly now... but you never know when he will shift.

 

I never reply to his texts so I dont know how I'm provoking him besides standing up for my legal right to protect confidentiality of my medical records through a third party

 

Lets stay on topic guys

 

I'm not here to debate irrelevant and inaccurate accusations

 

Thanks :)

marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted (edited)

Did you not read a message he sent on Facebook? Just imagine how things would be had you not read that message.

 

 

When you break NC, you risk adding more fuel to the fire.

Edited by marky00
1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

Posted
Posted

Smart idea to read his texts to see where his mindset is. You're obviously completely detached and removed from him so it won't set you back emotionally.

 

I've saved written letters from an ex dating back 15 years for the same reason - he spiraled downhill mentally after we went our separate ways, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the news one day for going postal.

  • Like 1
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Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Smart idea to read his texts to see where his mindset is. You're obviously completely detached and removed from him so it won't set you back emotionally.

 

I've saved written letters from an ex dating back 15 years for the same reason - he spiraled downhill mentally after we went our separate ways, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is in the news one day for going postal.

 

Thanks 1fish :D

 

I think some people forget that some of us have healed and moved on from our exs and that we're not bothered by them anymore. When I read his texts nothing stirs inside of me, I'm just keeping an eye on him

 

I dont know about you, but it feels nice to not be on board a sinking ship anymore :)

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Got this text from him....

 

"So depressed I really just feel like f*cking dying. I'll never find another job as good as the one I had. I'm just so upset with everything. I just feel so stuck and lost. Sigh. Whatever *my name*. I forgive you. But I wish you never did that. I dont know why we could never talk. I really have no clue. But anyway. Bye."

 

I'm not posting this for any specific reason other than to pat myself on the back for leaving him. His gaslighting abilities were always top notch.

 

"I forgive you"? Its pretty crazy that after voilating my privacy several times...he forgives me. Of course I never got an apology for what he did. I dont need or want one....his moral compass is just so off base

 

He doesnt understand why we dont talk? Probably because he was cheating on me our entire 2.5 year relationship

 

He always says, 'bye' after one of these rants. Only to text me again a few weeks later. He thinks I'll text him back if I think I wont hear from him. Havent texted him back in almost 2 years...not sure why I'd start now

 

I'm not posting this because I'm upset or any feeling any other emotion besides, 'thank god I got out of that'

 

I've been reading the infidelity section of LS and I've noticed how so many cheating spouses have this type of mentality. The blame shifting, gas lighting, viticimizing tactics. I'm glad I didnt marry this one :)

  • Like 1
Bastile Established Member

Bastile

Posted
Posted
Got this text from him....

 

"So depressed I really just feel like f*cking dying. I'll never find another job as good as the one I had. I'm just so upset with everything. I just feel so stuck and lost. Sigh. Whatever *my name*. I forgive you. But I wish you never did that. I dont know why we could never talk. I really have no clue. But anyway. Bye."

 

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/10/28/10/2DDF0C3C00000578-0-image-a-4_1446027751843.jpg

  • Like 3
marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted
Got this text from him....

 

"So depressed I really just feel like f*cking dying. I'll never find another job as good as the one I had. I'm just so upset with everything. I just feel so stuck and lost. Sigh. Whatever *my name*. I forgive you. But I wish you never did that. I dont know why we could never talk. I really have no clue. But anyway. Bye."

 

 

How is that gas lighting?

 

 

For someone who is over their Ex, why are you looking for validation in his words?

 

 

And possibly seeking validation here.

Ronnys93 Established Member

Ronnys93

Posted
Posted
How is that gas lighting?

 

 

For someone who is over their Ex, why are you looking for validation in his words?

 

 

And possibly seeking validation here.

 

In this case it's blame shifting, and not gas lighting. I agree.

 

I don't see anything wrong with her seeking validation here. She came to share what her ex told her, isn't that what this forum is for? We like to hear all those kinds of stories.

  • Like 1
marky00 Established Member

marky00

Posted
Posted (edited)
In this case it's blame shifting, and not gas lighting. I agree.

 

I don't see anything wrong with her seeking validation here. She came to share what her ex told her, isn't that what this forum is for? We like to hear all those kinds of stories.

 

Sure but she specifically said she is not emotionally invested in anyway.

 

 

Also, I'm not a big fan of people trying to be the winner in breakups or being "right". If the guy was a complete douche, why not just be happy he's gone and let it be.

 

 

She has had many opportunities to block off all contact but chooses not do so. She claims it was to monitor her safety based on his behaviour but that doesn't make sense to me. Reading his messages and replying once (even if it meant nothing to her) actually jeopardised her safety more in my opinion.

 

 

If she hadn't learned he snooped into her medical file, which lead to him being fired, he wouldn't be messaging her now and the drama would have long been over.

Edited by marky00
  • Author
Dis Established Member

Dis

Posted
  • Author
Posted
In this case it's blame shifting, and not gas lighting. I agree.

 

I don't see anything wrong with her seeking validation here. She came to share what her ex told her, isn't that what this forum is for? We like to hear all those kinds of stories.

 

What I like about LS is that we can share whats going on in our lives no matter what that situation is about

 

I'm always up late tube feeding my cat who I hit with my car 3 weeks ago :( ...I figured why not give an update while I'm waiting to do the last feeding

 

There are people on LS assume everyone of us is still emotionally invested or attached to an ex....while really, we've healed and moved past it....sometimes when we get a text like that we want to share it just for the sake of it.

 

It is possible to heal and move on....not everyone is stuck :)

  • Like 2
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted
What I like about LS is that we can share whats going on in our lives no matter what that situation is about

 

I'm always up late tube feeding my cat who I hit with my car 3 weeks ago :( ...I figured why not give an update while I'm waiting to do the last feeding

 

There are people on LS assume everyone of us is still emotionally invested or attached to an ex....while really, we've healed and moved past it....sometimes when we get a text like that we want to share it just for the sake of it.

 

It is possible to heal and move on....not everyone is stuck :)

 

I'm more curious about what happen to the real estate agent

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