Sexless Marriage

[Soxfaninfl]

You made a lifetime commitment to her but it doesn't sound like she's keeping up her end of the bargain.

 

Yeah I never thought I was signing up for a sexless marriage. She told me that I should do what I need to do (which I'm not sure what that mean?). I guess I will explore that in counseling.

[Soxfaninfl]

Given these parameters. not sure why you're asking for advice?

 

She can't change and you say you won't so a celibate future awaits. Sorry you find yourself here...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I just wanted some advice from others who have been in this situation.

[Soxfaninfl]

If you want to have an active and satisfying sex life within those parameters, then you will have to change into a person she wants to have sex with.

 

You will basically have to morph into someone else and look difference, act different, be different.

 

If that is something you are willing to do, then I suggest you get the "Married Man Sex Life" books by Athol Kay and check out the blogs and forums on his website.

 

That series of books and blogs and discussion forums are about the traits and characteristics in men that women find sexually attractive and then developing those traits while at the same time eliminating the traits and characteristics that destroy attraction.

 

Bottom line is you can't change another person. If you won't or can't leave her and find someone else and can't or won't pursue open marriage or cheating, then your only option is to transform yourself into someone she is attracted to.

 

Hit the gym, start dressing better, change your hair, whiten your teeth, start behaving and treating her in a completely different manner, get a better job and make more money, gain more social status and influence in the community and become someone she is attracted to.

 

Thank you for the advice.

[Soxfaninfl]

If she can't or won't change, and you won't change your views, then there isn't anything to do. Well, except live out your life in a miserable marriage and hope to find some hobby or cause that provides some happiness. Perhaps you need antidepressants too, if you feel hopeless. They may have the beneficial side effect of dampening your libido.

 

I have thought of that. I did take them for a couple of months during my divorce from my first marriage, but I am concerned of permanent damage from taking them for an extended period of time. I'm going to try to counseling. My wife needs counseling regardless if we work out or not.

[somanymistakes]

I will not cheat. I will end the marriage before I do that. I'm not going to have an open marriage and put her at risk of an STD.

 

While it may not be an option for you anyway, let me back this up a little bit. There's a WHOLE RANGE of options out there that I think you're lumping all into one basket.

 

Some people cheat on their wives by going out and sleeping with whoever, whenever - prostitutes, one night stands, secretive affairs with multiple other married people, the works. Some people have a single devoted secret lover. Some people have a completely 'open' marriage where they are allowed to sleep with whoever they want within reasonable limits (there may be some simple rules depending on the relationship, some people want to at least know who you're sleeping with). Some people have a 'poly' marriage where they enter into a committed, long-term, trusting relationship with more than one person. If you have a wife and one girlfriend, who both know about each other, and the girlfriend is only dating you, and you've all been tested, you're not that likely to be bringing home STDs to your wife. Especially if you're not sleeping with your wife anyway. (and again, in a poly situation all parties can make decisions about how much risk and what protection methods are appropriate)

 

I am not saying you should do any of that. I just wanted to clarify that there is a range of options between 'only have sex with your wife' and 'sleep with the entire town and then go home bringing diseases to your unknowing wife'

 

She claims to like sex, but when she has zero libido and she is stressed then nothing happens down there if you know what I mean.

 

From the other things you said it doesn't seem like she likes sex in general, though. Especially if she said you should do what you need to do.

 

That does not sound like a woman who wants to have sex with you (or with anyone). That sounds like a woman who enjoys the relationship that you have. Companionship, cuddling, and no sex. And she may be willing for you to go get the sex elsewhere so that she can keep the rest of it.

 

I don't think trying to make yourself more attractive to her is likely to change things. Not everyone has a high sex drive. She's not looking for someone hotter than you. She's looking for you - without the sex.

[Soxfaninfl]

While it may not be an option for you anyway, let me back this up a little bit. There's a WHOLE RANGE of options out there that I think you're lumping all into one basket.

 

Some people cheat on their wives by going out and sleeping with whoever, whenever - prostitutes, one night stands, secretive affairs with multiple other married people, the works. Some people have a single devoted secret lover. Some people have a completely 'open' marriage where they are allowed to sleep with whoever they want within reasonable limits (there may be some simple rules depending on the relationship, some people want to at least know who you're sleeping with). Some people have a 'poly' marriage where they enter into a committed, long-term, trusting relationship with more than one person. If you have a wife and one girlfriend, who both know about each other, and the girlfriend is only dating you, and you've all been tested, you're not that likely to be bringing home STDs to your wife. Especially if you're not sleeping with your wife anyway. (and again, in a poly situation all parties can make decisions about how much risk and what protection methods are appropriate)

 

I am not saying you should do any of that. I just wanted to clarify that there is a range of options between 'only have sex with your wife' and 'sleep with the entire town and then go home bringing diseases to your unknowing wife'

 

 

 

From the other things you said it doesn't seem like she likes sex in general, though. Especially if she said you should do what you need to do.

 

That does not sound like a woman who wants to have sex with you (or with anyone). That sounds like a woman who enjoys the relationship that you have. Companionship, cuddling, and no sex. And she may be willing for you to go get the sex elsewhere so that she can keep the rest of it.

 

I don't think trying to make yourself more attractive to her is likely to change things. Not everyone has a high sex drive. She's not looking for someone hotter than you. She's looking for you - without the sex.

 

At this point, I will bring it up in counseling about an open marriage. Not sure how well she will take it once it sinks in that I may try this, so we don't have to divorce.

 

I remember a couple of months ago when were arguing about why I was always in a bad mood and I was treating her diffferently. I informed her because of our sexless marriage. I felt rejected at a man is what I told her.

 

In the past I would lie that work was stressful or other reasons because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I stopped doing that and told her the truth. She said what do you need to do? Do you need to get a prostitute? I said no at the time, but now I'm considering finding sex somewhere else. I'm not crazy about doing this but I'm getting desperate at this point.

[Soxfaninfl]

I have been in a low sex marriage for some time (recently VERY low) - I know why I stay married. Why do you ?

 

When you say "recently Very low" how low do you mean? How often, and how long has it been since the last time?

[oldshirt]

My son is a better person because of her. He has manners. My son was failing out of school, and has been an honor student these past three years (tutoring him). With her help he got into a magnet program that focuses on engineering. She has done a lot for my son. Because of her I was able to get a lot done legally (with her money) to make sure my ex-wife was kept inline regarding my son.

 

so she's a tutor.

 

My kids have had tutors here and there over the years too. I don't have sex with them either. I pay them an hourly fee.

 

Perhaps you could work out some hourly fee for her to tutor him after the divorce so you could live your life and find someone else.

 

Involuntary abstinence seems like a pretty high price to pay for a tutor.

[oldshirt]

 

I'm not going to have an open marriage and put her at risk of an STD.

 

.

 

You can't put her at risk for STDs if she doesn't have sex with you.

 

If you were able to find someone else to have sex with, then you wouldn't need to bug her for sex and hence would not expose her to STDs.

[oldshirt]

what I mean.

 

We can only do missionary because she has 5 herniated disc from an auto accident.

 

.

 

If Zack Efron, George Clooney, Brad Pitt etc etc were coming on to her, would she tell them she couldn't do oral or any other positions because she has back problems?

[oldshirt]

I don't think trying to make yourself more attractive to her is likely to change things. Not everyone has a high sex drive. She's not looking for someone hotter than you. She's looking for you - without the sex.

 

There is likely a lot of truth to this.

 

However if you make yourself as hot and attractive as you can be, if she still doesn't want you - someone else will.

 

And that may even be someone younger, prettier, sexier and less prone to anxiety and physical ailments and maladies than your current wife.

[oldshirt]

At this point, I will bring it up in counseling about an open marriage. Not sure how well she will take it once it sinks in that I may try this, so we don't have to divorce.

 

I remember a couple of months ago when were arguing about why I was always in a bad mood and I was treating her diffferently. I informed her because of our sexless marriage. I felt rejected at a man is what I told her.

 

In the past I would lie that work was stressful or other reasons because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I stopped doing that and told her the truth. She said what do you need to do? Do you need to get a prostitute? I said no at the time, but now I'm considering finding sex somewhere else. I'm not crazy about doing this but I'm getting desperate at this point.

 

Ok, let's come back down to earth a little bit.

 

For starters your wife basically rolled out the red carpet for you to take your sexual needs elsewhere and she served it up on silver platter. That means she doesn't want to have sexual relations with you......period.

 

What she is coughing up, she is doing to keep you from whining too much and being to pi$$y around the house.

 

Your sex life with her is essentially over.

 

The other reality check is if you are not a celebrity, rock star, pro athlete, male model etc etc your chances of getting a girlfriend on the side as a married man who has his wife's permission to fool around is basically zero.

 

At least it would be zero for a woman who is under 250lbs and showers and brushes her teeth every day.

 

There are a few double standards in the world that are totally unfair. One of those is open marriage. If a wife has a hallpass, men will fall all over themselves and line up down the street to wait their turn.

 

A normal woman will pepper spray you and then run away yelling for help if you approach her about being your side fling with your wife's permission.

 

You actually stand a much better chance if you cheat. I know people in open marriages that actually lie and tell their side chicks that they are cheating and their wife doesn't know, even though she actually does know and condones it. Yes, you read that right, they lie and say they are cheating when they really aren't.

 

You're better off either making a clean break, cutting your losses, divorcing and moving on, or saying WTH and cheating or hiring sex workers.

[James78]

This is really tough. You can't afford counselling but it is definitely woth both of you going back to the doctor.

 

I have had a few dry spells with my wife (she was on antidepressants also) however she always helped me out with hand relief.

[Soxfaninfl]

This is really tough. You can't afford counselling but it is definitely woth both of you going back to the doctor.

 

I have had a few dry spells with my wife (she was on antidepressants also) however she always helped me out with hand relief.

 

Actually we can afford counseling now. Our financial situation is improving. At this point I would take anything I can get. A hand job would be nice. I asked her if I could titty f$&@ (she has DD breasts) her, but she said she would feel like a doll. I just can't win.

Edited March 25, 2017 by Soxfaninfl

[Soxfaninfl]

so she's a tutor.

 

My kids have had tutors here and there over the years too. I don't have sex with them either. I pay them an hourly fee.

 

Perhaps you could work out some hourly fee for her to tutor him after the divorce so you could live your life and find someone else.

 

Involuntary abstinence seems like a pretty high price to pay for a tutor.

 

If we divorce I will find someone else. I don't talk to ex's. I feel it is better to move on.

[Soxfaninfl]

There is likely a lot of truth to this.

 

However if you make yourself as hot and attractive as you can be, if she still doesn't want you - someone else will.

 

And that may even be someone younger, prettier, sexier and less prone to anxiety and physical ailments and maladies than your current wife.

 

I plan to hit the gym again. I had to cancel due to our financial issues. Believe if it doesn't work out, I'm going with a younger women. I'm kind of turn off by women with back problems.

[Soxfaninfl]

Ok, let's come back down to earth a little bit.

 

For starters your wife basically rolled out the red carpet for you to take your sexual needs elsewhere and she served it up on silver platter. That means she doesn't want to have sexual relations with you......period.

 

What she is coughing up, she is doing to keep you from whining too much and being to pi$$y around the house.

 

Your sex life with her is essentially over.

 

The other reality check is if you are not a celebrity, rock star, pro athlete, male model etc etc your chances of getting a girlfriend on the side as a married man who has his wife's permission to fool around is basically zero.

 

At least it would be zero for a woman who is under 250lbs and showers and brushes her teeth every day.

 

There are a few double standards in the world that are totally unfair. One of those is open marriage. If a wife has a hallpass, men will fall all over themselves and line up down the street to wait their turn.

 

A normal woman will pepper spray you and then run away yelling for help if you approach her about being your side fling with your wife's permission.

 

You actually stand a much better chance if you cheat. I know people in open marriages that actually lie and tell their side chicks that they are cheating and their wife doesn't know, even though she actually does know and condones it. Yes, you read that right, they lie and say they are cheating when they really aren't.

 

You're better off either making a clean break, cutting your losses, divorcing and moving on, or saying WTH and cheating or hiring sex workers.

 

I have very little hope at this point. I'm wrapping my head around divorce. I'm going to wait unti my son is out of school for the summer. I've kind of lost faith in marriage.

[oldshirt]

. I'm kind of turn off by women with back problems.

 

Yeah, it does get old listening to menopausal women complain of all their ailments and aches and pains day in and day out all day everyday.

 

But the thing is, a woman can be in a body cast and have all 4 limbs in traction, but if she is into you sexually she will find a way to do oral or give you a hand or between the boobs etc even if she isn't able to have PIV sex at the time.

 

Women who are attracted to their partner are sexual with them despite their aches and pains.

 

Women who are not attracted to their partners are not sexual (or are reluctantly so) with them despite perfect health and vitality.

[Soxfaninfl]

Yeah, it does get old listening to menopausal women complain of all their ailments and aches and pains day in and day out all day everyday.

 

But the thing is, a woman can be in a body cast and have all 4 limbs in traction, but if she is into you sexually she will find a way to do oral or give you a hand or between the boobs etc even if she isn't able to have PIV sex at the time.

 

Women who are attracted to their partner are sexual with them despite their aches and pains.

 

Women who are not attracted to their partners are not sexual (or are reluctantly so) with them despite perfect health and vitality.

 

I'm at the same weigh I was 4 years ago. I'm actually a better dresser because of my wife. She changed my whole wardrobe. My wife has told me that she loves me and still finds me attractive, but she has no libido. She has gained significant weight. She's probably gained 30 pounds, but I still love her.

 

She has told me that she is not one of those people that will have sex when nothing sexual is occurring in her body. She says she had sex once with her late husband when she was not in the mood, and it was awful. She said she would not do it again.

 

We are just not sexually compatible. I hate to admit it, but it is what it is.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are just not sexually compatible. I hate to admit it, but it is what it is.

 

Actually, you're not emotionally compatible. As others have indicated, were you both equally vested in the relationship, she wouldn't leave you high and dry. Love is a verb defined by the actions we take...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I'll offer these nuts-and-bolts suggestions -

 

- get the Athol Kay books and webinars etc. He also offers one-on-one phone coaching. He is not a licensed therapist, but rather offers coaching on what you can do to make yourself more sexually desirable. He also offers a step by step approach in his books and teachings so that you aren't taking one step forward and one step back.

 

- Follow those instructions to the letter which will be things like getting to the gym, dressing better, styling and grooming better, becoming more assertive and flirty etc etc

 

- It will take months to see any tangible results, but there will be an affect. The affect may not be exactly what you were hoping for, but the status quo will be changed.

 

- And finally, Stop spanking and no porn. Go cold turkey and stop. This may seem counterintuitive but it is actually for a good reason. When you spank, you are relieving the pressure and you feel good and relaxed and you are happy to sit there contented. In her eyes and the eyes of every other woman, you will appear shiftless and lazy. That will further decrease your attractiveness.

 

When you stop spanking, your tank will fill up and when your tank gets full you will become more edgy, more active, more assertive and more flirtatious and show more initiative. Instead of relaxing and being content, you will become more edgy and volatile and on the prowl.

 

You'll become more sexually vigorous and assertive. This will either trigger her responsive desire more and she will respond more sexually to you. Or it will turn her off more and push her away more in which case you will soon see the futility of trying to remain with her and your hunter instincts will redirect your attention and focus to someone else and you'll leave her behind and make your break.

 

Spanking and draining the tank and relieving the pressure, makes you content to sit on the couch and accept your sexless existence. Once the tank is full and there is no other relief in sight, you'll start making forward steps towards reclaiming your sex life.

[Soxfaninfl]

I'll offer these nuts-and-bolts suggestions -

 

- get the Athol Kay books and webinars etc. He also offers one-on-one phone coaching. He is not a licensed therapist, but rather offers coaching on what you can do to make yourself more sexually desirable. He also offers a step by step approach in his books and teachings so that you aren't taking one step forward and one step back.

 

- Follow those instructions to the letter which will be things like getting to the gym, dressing better, styling and grooming better, becoming more assertive and flirty etc etc

 

- It will take months to see any tangible results, but there will be an affect. The affect may not be exactly what you were hoping for, but the status quo will be changed.

 

- And finally, Stop spanking and no porn. Go cold turkey and stop. This may seem counterintuitive but it is actually for a good reason. When you spank, you are relieving the pressure and you feel good and relaxed and you are happy to sit there contented. In her eyes and the eyes of every other woman, you will appear shiftless and lazy. That will further decrease your attractiveness.

 

When you stop spanking, your tank will fill up and when your tank gets full you will become more edgy, more active, more assertive and more flirtatious and show more initiative. Instead of relaxing and being content, you will become more edgy and volatile and on the prowl.

 

You'll become more sexually vigorous and assertive. This will either trigger her responsive desire more and she will respond more sexually to you. Or it will turn her off more and push her away more in which case you will soon see the futility of trying to remain with her and your hunter instincts will redirect your attention and focus to someone else and you'll leave her behind and make your break.

 

Spanking and draining the tank and relieving the pressure, makes you content to sit on the couch and accept your sexless existence. Once the tank is full and there is no other relief in sight, you'll start making forward steps towards reclaiming your sex life.

 

I do plan to go to the gym and get back into better shape. I'm already a sharp dresser. I also keep myself well groomed.

 

That's not gonna work for me I can barely go three days without releasing. The fact of the matter is my wife needs to be on antidepressants. She had a meltdown on Monday and was having suicidal thoughts. She needs to be on those meds for her own well being. I can't ask her to stop taking them she needs them.

 

Other posters have said that counseling isn't going to help, and they are right. I need to make preparations to move on with my life.

Edited March 26, 2017 by Soxfaninfl

[oldshirt]

 

That's not gonna work for me I can barely go three days without releasing.

 

You need to understand that porn/spanking is a big contributing factor to where you are right now.

 

You are substituting an active, healthy sexlife for spanking to Youporn. When you spank to porn, your hormones and your brain think that you are sexually satisfied and so you stop trying to pursue the real thing and you sit on the couch relaxed and content and doing nothing, while your wife eats more Doritos and puts on more weight and gets more depressed about it.

 

When you are relaxed and content, you stop striving for better and you are ok to just sit there until the next urge to pull up some Brazilian orgy porn comes up again.

 

When you are all released and content, you are happy to just sit and accept your fate and you are ok with settling for a nonexistent sex life with a fat, frigid, underemployed, Debbie Downer that doesn't want to be with you sexually.

 

Porn and spanking are your substitute for a real sex life with a real woman that actually wants to get down with you.

 

If you give up the porn/spanking, that tension and pressure is going to rise and it is going to motivate you to get out and do something about it.

 

That "something" is either going to be to turn up the pressure on your wife which will motivate her to get off her behind and do something about her marriage and relationship, or it will motivate you to leave her alongside the road with her pills and her Double Stuff Oreos in search of someone that is healthy and vigorous and still has some libido and zest for life left.

 

You need to understand and realize that the porn/spanking actually IS a big part of your problem and your dynamic here.

 

Stop the porn/spanking and let your balls fill back up and turn you back into a hunter and a warrior again.

Edited March 26, 2017 by oldshirt

[BluesPower]

Listen for a minute...

 

I love OldShirt and all of the things he says. But in this case I kind of disagree with some if this.

 

I have never had an open relationship, for real but I did cheat a lot for a time.

 

Now that I am divorcing I am back out there and life is good like you cannot imagine.

 

I guess I am in an or several open relationships now. My main GF knows that I have other women that is see. I date other women when I am not with her. She is my main relationship so I am not sure what I am except happy.

 

You on the other hand, need a completely new mind set. If she is in menopause or just does not like sex with you, dude you have to just get out.

 

I mean, good grief, you are in your 40's and your not getting laid, how do you live like that?

 

Let me tell you what the other side is like. I had a sound job last weekend in a City about 4 hours away. I don't do sound for anyone anymore, they can't afford me and I hate doing it. But this guy is my oldest friend so he gets a pass.

 

So in a nut shell, me and said GF screwed from Friday night, all night, all day, except when working and eating, through Sunday morning. It was basically a sex fest form start to finish. I actually have no idea how many times we had sex, maybe 20 who knows.

 

I had a gig Sunday afternoon when I got back, so I left her at her house. I played that afternoon and some of my regulars were sniffing around and wanted me to come over. I just kissed them and said maybe later this week. I could not have had sex again if I tried.

 

That is what like can be like when you get out of this crap that you call a marriage.

 

But the way, I am 52 and still going strong.

 

Why in the world would you want to say in your marriage. And please don't say because you love her. I love lots of women or at least like a bunch.

 

Please do not do this to yourself, GET OUT...

[angel.eyes]

There are some deep-seated issues at the root of your marriage. The depression, weight gain, and loss of libido are simply symptoms of those. Get at the root of those issues, and the symptoms will get resolved in the process.

 

My sense is that your wife is aware this is a very serious problem, but she feels helpless to solve it on her own. As do you. This isn't something you can fix on an internet board. You both need to invest in marital counseling to get at your core issues. I don't see either of you being able to do this without outside (professional) help.

 

I'm not trying trying to give you a hard time, but if you have been able to dress well and take care of yourself despite your financial challenges, then it's really about priorities if you pick that and a gym membership over professional counseling and trying to save your marriage.

 

I realize that I'm in the minority in the chorus of divorce her, but I think there is still a chance to fix this. My sense is that you both love each other and are both committed to and invested in your marriage and family.