LovelyFire1316 Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 Need help dealing with breakup. This will be lengthy but please take the time to read and help. I will try to provide as much background info as I can. My ex and I were dating for a little over a year, and I thought we were happy. We both loved each other, and although things got hard sometimes, we always got through it. I was there for him through all of his family issues, and when someone close to him passed, I did everything I could to comfort him. We were only able to spend time together alone once or twice a month due to conflicting schedules & events in our day-to-day lifes, but we always talked on the phone or messaged each other in between those times, and when we were together, we made the best out of it. It wasn't one sided. He was there for me through everything I went through as well. When there was an issue, I could always count on him to try his best to get me through it. He wanted me to be happy. However, near the end of our relationship I started to feel like things were changing. I would get irritated when he called, because we talked on the phone constantly and I just felt like it was too much. Also, I felt like he wasn't showing as much appreciation as he used to. We got into an argument over the fact that I thought he wasn't showing the same amount of appreciation, and he was always the type that when we argued, it would get to a certain point where he just wouldn't want to talk about it anymore because he said he didn't want to say anything he regrets and he never liked solving our issues head on. Meanwhile, I always wanted to fix things at that moment. Of course, the same thing happened during this argument, and he just started ignoring me while I was trying to get him to talk it out with me. The next day, I told him to meet me somewhere so we could talk, and he said "whatever" so I wrongly assumed that he would come. I waited for him for around an hour, but he never showed. So, I texted him but he continued to ignore me. Finally, he called and he said it hurt him that I thought he didn't appreciate me, and that I couldn't see all of the sacrifices he made for me, and that even though it wasn't exactly the same as the beginning , it was still there. Then he mentioned that he'd just bought me a necklace on V-Day to show he cares. I told him that it wasn't about the material things to me and I would be willing to give everything back if he could give me the same treatment that he used to. I just felt like since he got comfortable with me, he started slacking in that department. He kept bringing up the necklace only and he eventually hung up and ignored me for the rest of the day. So, the next day, after being ignored, I gave him back the necklace and I told him I was giving it back because I am not a materialistic person and that money and jewelry could not buy my love or happiness. I told him that's not what I wanted our relationship to be based on. When I gave it back, he just looked at me and didn't say anything. I kept trying to find ways to talk to him about our situation, but he wasn't having it. I texted him and told him that we needed to take a break, and I told him it was not a break up, and that we just needed time apart to think about things. He then replied with "ok bye" then proceeded to delete all of our pictures off of social media. When I noticed that he did this, I texted him and asked him why was he treating this like a break up when I told him it wasn't. He told me that he didn't do breaks, and that he'd see me around. When I saw this, it broke my heart. How could the person I spent over a year of my life with just give up on me so easily? That night, he told me that he loved me but we were "nowhere near okay" I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said he didn't know. So then, basically, after that, I begged him back for like a week straight which he kept ignoring me, saying he was done and that what I said about the appreciation thing hurt him too much, and it wouldn't be the same, and that he couldn't believe I couldn't see what he was doing for me, and that I took him for granted. So, of course, I felt like this was all my fault which I guess it is. He told me to leave him alone . So, I decided to go NC. I found out 1 week into NC, which was 2 weeks after our break up, that he was seeing another girl. A girl that has always had a crush on him for years, and liked him even when we were together, but he always rejected her, and told me I'd never have to worry about her. I know he wasn't talking to her before we broke up, he wasn't that type of guy. He never cheated, lied to me, or anything of that nature. So, of course that was another stab to the chest. Not only did he give up on our relationship so easily, he didn't even try to fight for us, he also replaced me 2 weeks later. Even after finding out he was talking to another girl, I remained NC for another week. On the 2 week NC mark (which was this Friday) I caved and asked him how he could move on so fast/easily, how he could just give us up without a fight, etc. He was very harsh with his replies and told me that he instantly lost all feelings for me once he found out I didn't appreciate the things he did for me. He said he found someone that actually appreciates him unlike some people. Mind you, I did appreciate him. Anyway, he called me and we talked for about an hour and a half and he told me that the argument should've never happened, and this could've been prevented and that he tried to calm the situation down but I wouldn't listen. He said that something so small blew up and if it hadn't of, we wouldn't be having this conversation. He then told me everything else that had been bothering him our relationship, that he never told me IN the relationship. I asked him why he didn't tell me before, and he said he wanted me to be happy and didn't want to argue. I just wish he would've said something so we could've worked on it. He called again, we talked for about an hour. He told me how he was happy with the girl he's seeing now, that they worked out their differences. He said he can't just stop talking to her because she has feelings too, and I didn't say anything but I was thinking to myself, what about us? I know it was a selfish thought, but he's only been talking to this girl for a week or two, we have history. He just kept talking about her, and how it wouldn't be the same with us, and all that. Then, he called again, and he told me that he didn't completely loose feelings for me, he only said that because he was mad, but he said he couldn't act on those feelings because the appreciation thing struck him too deep, and he said that I was a good gf up until the final argument, and that I showed him what a relationship was supposed to be like, and I set the bar really high for anyone else (including the girl he's talking to) and that he's sorry it had to end the way it did. He said that "you never know what could happen in the future, if our paths cross again, I wouldn't be opposed but right now I just don't see it." I started crying on the phone; and he could tell, so he changed the subject and we started laughing and stuff, and I said asked him if he did that so I'd stop crying and he said "you know I did." We stayed on the phone until 11:00 at night that Friday, and before he hung up, he told me that if I ever needed anything, to call him, and as long as I would respect the boundaries of his new girl, he would try to help me. He told me he still cared about me, and then he told me to take care of myself. And he was all like, "I don't expect you to move on as quickly as I did, and trust me, it's hard for me too, I've barely moved on, and there's a void but you'll be okay." After he hung up, I planned to start NC again, which I did but it didn't last that long. He called me on Sunday night, he said that he was just calling to check up on me to make sure I was okay, and then he asked me what I've been doing , and how I've been. Then we just kept talking, he told me about his day, and how he was having problems in his personal life, and as much as I wanted to give him advice, I just told him that I was sorry to hear that. We had small talk for about an hour, and I asked him about us again, hoping he'd change his mind but he hasn't. He said "look I'm sorry but we've already talked about this. You know my situation. I cant. I didn't call to get back with you or reminisce , I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I don't know when the next time we will talk, because I can't be disrespectful to the person I'm dealing with. I told him that as much as I enjoy hearing his voice, I could not be friends with him , and I did not want to be put on the back burner. I told him that I didn't want him to contact me anymore unless he wanted to consider working things out. He said he understood, and once again to take care of myself and be careful because he didn't want to hear about anything bad happening to me. & he thanked me for everything I did for him. We haven't talked since Sunday and I don't plan on initiating contact with him. I must admit, I probably should've never took the argument that far. I did mess up. I feel like it's all my fault and I regret it every single day that passes. I truly do love my ex with all of my heart, we were planning out our future together, we had just started talking about marriage, and I shared everything with him. All of our hopes, dreams, fears, were all intertwined. He was my lover and my bestfriend. In an instant, he was gone. I messed up in the end but I was a good girlfriend to him throughout our whole relationship. I tried so hard to accommodate to him and make him happy. I'm finding it so hard to just give up, but I don't have a choice. He's apparently moved on now, so fast. He's rejected my attempts to work things out multiple times. I want him back more than anything but I've never been the type to try to ruin relationships. Plus, I've always wanted him to be happy, so if he's happy with this new girl, even if it's not with me, I'll have to accept that. I'm hoping that maybe he'll realize that the love we had for eachother was true and special, but I doubt he will. I lost the love of my life and it's all my fault.. and it hurts more every single day I think about it. I wish I could go back and change the events that happened, but I can't. I don't understand why he would keep calling to "check on me" which leads to hour long conversations, if he wants nothing to do with me. I still don't understand how he could move on so fast... the last thing I can picture right now is being with someone else. I'm sorry this was so long.. I just wanted to make everything as clear as possible. I guess my questions are, how can I cope with this? Do you guys think he'll come back or is this just a lost cause? Just any advice or input would be helpful. Thanks for your time!
DumpedGuy9617 Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Hey, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. Heartbreak sucks so bad. My thoughts are that you should try and move on with your life, and assume it's over. I would quit beating yourself up over it too; chances are that what happened at the end was not the real or only reason this happened...people don't just shut off emotions like that overnight. If I was your boyfriend and I only saw you seldomly, it would wear on me...men hate talking on the phone, at least I do. If I was him, I would have been annoyed if you were irritated on the phone, because to me I'm doing something I don't like to maintain the relationship. But there's not much you could have done about that, if your schedules didn't work. Sometimes life gets in the way.... Keep your chin up. The agonizing pain of the break up will pass....and you will meet someone you like even more.
DumpedGuy9617 Posted April 1, 2017 Posted April 1, 2017 Ps - Don't be surprised if he comes crawling back the minute you are completely over him....this literally just happened to me, and it's happened every time I've broken up with someone...it's super weird. If that happens, do yourself a favor...let it go.
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