act00 Posted March 25, 2017 Posted March 25, 2017 After three years together, and her ex is still on board, who has romantic feelings for her and makes them known...this just doesn't work. Not for you. She needs to cut him loose, officially, if she doesn't want him in that way, and if you were important enough, she would be putting up some serious walls and boundaries with this man because of you, and also because she needs to create a clear boundary with him. I question if she wants to maintain loose romance/intimacy...on the side. She likes his devotion. She is being cruel to you and him, especially him, stringing him along but not accepting him fully, and she's sending a clear signal to you...you are less important. I couldn't do it. I wouldn't want to put ultimatums on her. I think the best thing to do is walk away and let her figure out what her priority is. 1
BluesPower Posted March 25, 2017 Posted March 25, 2017 She likes screwing her Ex but she does not want a relationship with him. He is her FB and has been since they divorced. Wake up and dump her please... 2
devilcame Posted March 26, 2017 Posted March 26, 2017 OP, I feel your pain. I was, and still am, in a similar position. My partner and I have been together now for 4 years - he left his ex for me, when they were still together (they had been together 9 years then, he pretty much felt married to her). He and I were friends, they were long distance, and it happened (so I was the OW). I even met her twice and we were friendly to each other before all of this happened. Sine then, it has been a struggle: they kept in touch, she was still into him 2 years in, and told him so in a couple of occasions. The first time he did not reply anything, the second time he responded "You know I am with someone else". In general, in the first year of our RS he was veeeeery wishy washy about this and unsure about us, about her, about everything. Then he decided to straighten out tell her no, I don't want to go back with you, that's it. However, they always kept in touch. Luckily we live quite far from where she is, so they only got to see each other once or max. 2 a year. Unfortunately, every time they met, he lied to me about it. For example, he would tell me they met once and instead they met twice, and things like that, which I felt as a betrayal on his part as he knew how insecure I was about his big ex. This was also exacerbated by the fact that her father got sick 1 year in, and eventually, really sadly, died. He felt very responsible towards her, she was looking for his support, and I couldn't understand all of it. Two years in she finally met someone, and apparently they got serious. However, my partner kept lying to me - scared of my reactions towards the truth. Last news is that she moved in with her partner. It got better, very very VERY slowly although we are now doing couples therapy and this is one of the big issues we need to solve. He doesn't understand, and refuses to see, how his friendship with her had a huge impact on us. He's now more open, tells me randomly if they talk etc. (out of 4 times they speak via text in a month, he would initiate once). He has been very clear with me that she is a huge part of him and his history, and he wants to be her friend. This wasn't clear to me in the beginning but it is now. I suggest you do not walk if you like her and love her and think you two have a future together. However, you need to nurture yourself exactly as she is satisfying her needs, keeping him around. So, just be clear with her on what your boundaries are. For example, it could OK to have coffee, but not dinner. OK to spend a few hours together in public places, but not a whole evening at home. She is entitled to her freedom and you are entitled to your boundaries and to feel safe. If you can make this work, you will be a very successful couple. Let me know if you want to chat about it - as I said, I can perfectly understand how you feel.
TheBladeRunner Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 No kids = no reason to stay connected IMO. The only reason I am friendly with my ex is because of my daughter, if it wasn't for her I probably would have left the state. Get rid of her..... 1
Space Ritual Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 OP, I feel your pain. I was, and still am, in a similar position. My partner and I have been together now for 4 years - he left his ex for me, when they were still together (they had been together 9 years then, he pretty much felt married to her). He and I were friends, they were long distance, and it happened (so I was the OW). I even met her twice and we were friendly to each other before all of this happened. Sine then, it has been a struggle: they kept in touch, she was still into him 2 years in, and told him so in a couple of occasions. The first time he did not reply anything, the second time he responded "You know I am with someone else". In general, in the first year of our RS he was veeeeery wishy washy about this and unsure about us, about her, about everything. Then he decided to straighten out tell her no, I don't want to go back with you, that's it. However, they always kept in touch. Luckily we live quite far from where she is, so they only got to see each other once or max. 2 a year. Unfortunately, every time they met, he lied to me about it. For example, he would tell me they met once and instead they met twice, and things like that, which I felt as a betrayal on his part as he knew how insecure I was about his big ex. This was also exacerbated by the fact that her father got sick 1 year in, and eventually, really sadly, died. He felt very responsible towards her, she was looking for his support, and I couldn't understand all of it. Two years in she finally met someone, and apparently they got serious. However, my partner kept lying to me - scared of my reactions towards the truth. Last news is that she moved in with her partner. It got better, very very VERY slowly although we are now doing couples therapy and this is one of the big issues we need to solve. He doesn't understand, and refuses to see, how his friendship with her had a huge impact on us. He's now more open, tells me randomly if they talk etc. (out of 4 times they speak via text in a month, he would initiate once). He has been very clear with me that she is a huge part of him and his history, and he wants to be her friend. This wasn't clear to me in the beginning but it is now. I suggest you do not walk if you like her and love her and think you two have a future together. However, you need to nurture yourself exactly as she is satisfying her needs, keeping him around. So, just be clear with her on what your boundaries are. For example, it could OK to have coffee, but not dinner. OK to spend a few hours together in public places, but not a whole evening at home. She is entitled to her freedom and you are entitled to your boundaries and to feel safe. If you can make this work, you will be a very successful couple. Let me know if you want to chat about it - as I said, I can perfectly understand how you feel. Well in your case it is quite different. Your guy was cheating on his gf with you by your own admission. And you were surprised your BF was lying to you? You simply got paid in the same currency you two were shelling out. Just think of all that "understanding" you now have? Kind of like sending a gift of Marshall Brodien's TV Magic Cards and then being pissed when you open your Xmas present to find somebody regifted it back to you.
devilcame Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 When I will need advice on this I will open my own thread and you will judge me there - but for now please refrain from doing so. Thanks.
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