Jacque70 Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Hi, I'm looking for some advice. I've recently broken up with a boyfriend who was definitely afraid of commitment and not quite sure I was the one. There was a lot of back and forth with him, each time with him saying you're right I've been a jerk, I'm sorry. I really did think he could have been the one, so I gave him more chances than I ever have anyone else. Our situation is also more difficult because we're both being sent to work in different places. I knew that would be hard but figured if it was meant to be we could work out a way to be together, many people in our job do. Anyway, he's in his late 30's, never married and I see this pattern with him. He's a good guy but his see sawing was hurting me so I broke up before he left. He still said he wanted to stay in contact and I told him I needed time. He called me a week or so after we broke up and was very sad, wanted to talk, said he was a jerk and how great I am and that he would be thinking about me. He called me back a week later and told he loved me and he understood why I did what I did but that he felt it was all wrong. So I picked up the phone and talked to him. We get talking and he was saying how he wants to use his vacation to visit me in my country and wants to work on it. Now he's called me again to chat. I didn't say anything like go to hell the first time. How do I nicely say please don't call me? Talking to him I realize I care about him but that this is confusing me. I don't think he'll change and this could go on forever. I know he's busy with work and in a dangerous place, and he's a nice guy overall, so I'm wondering how to break it off at least until I get over him. Is it totally rude to email him? The phone connection from where he is is not real clear. I've already broken up with him for his lack of interest in me. Any advice on how to handle this situation? Thanks.
TheBarnacle Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 you're right. it could go on forever, and it'd be to your detriment. yes, he's "scared", which is likely why he's reaching out. it's unfair of HIM to expect you to be his friend since he's the one who wasn't sure about his feelings before. let him deal with this on his own...it'll be good for him and great for you. trust me, don't suffer this guy. he'll be fine. and you need to tend to your own self first. so, advice? email if you feel it's necessary. but any contact prolongs your role as a crutch and doesn't get you further along the path to be over him either. so i don't think it's rude to email vs. phoning, etc. but that's your call. whatever you're comfortable with. good luck. sounds actually like you're doing quite well and know what you need to do better than most.
katty Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 I am afraid you maybe on the right track with asking him not to call, bc he sounds as if he is a CP, at his age and still never committed makes me think he is Commitaphobic. He could keep you stringing along for years, but if you truely wish to find a rs where you can have a commitment then yes no contact is best. I dated a CP for 6 years and I was convinced I could get him to commit. He even thought that too, or at least he convinced me every time we broke up that he could. It was a vicious cycle, one that I am so thankful to be out of. CPs will try to hang on, finally I had to treat him like a drug that I was addicted to and do some serious rehab. lol. I knew that I could not use (have contact with him) bc I would be sucked right back in. He is still single, years later, and he still trys to get me to try again with him. It takes time but eventually you will get over him. Best of luck to you.
ReluctantRomeo Posted July 27, 2005 Posted July 27, 2005 Ask him nicely. Say that you need a couple of months at least to get your head together. Probably longer. Saying never seems mean and unnecessary. And might also drive him to extreme behaviour. CPs can change, but they have to want to. And recognise it's their problem.
Author Jacque70 Posted August 20, 2005 Author Posted August 20, 2005 Well, now I'm feeling confused after being so decisive before. I'm sure its just a phase. About a month ago I wrote him and told him that it was too hard to be with someone who constantly questioned if I was the one and that I needed a few months to myself to move on. So, as I requested, he stopped contacting me and that helped me for a while to clear my head. Then two weeks later when he sent an email wishing me well on a test for work. I didn’t reply and I know maybe he just emailed to show what a nice guy he was, nothing more. Why am I so bummed now and why do I think about contacting him (which I still haven’t done – its been two weeks since his email)? It’s just so hard sometimes and I was doing so well. I just felt like we were so right for each other. I think I'm thinking of him more now because I went out with someone else, who says everything to me that he didn't and seems sure of his feelings for me, but I'm not interested in him romantically. It’s frustrating. I want to do the smart thing and keep up with NC so I’m writing here instead of emailing him. Any advice on getting a guy out of your head? Obviously, trying to date again is making me think of him even more. I just feel that my feelings for him were so real. They're hard to shake. Any thoughts?
fatcat Posted August 21, 2005 Posted August 21, 2005 It's over. Do you drive a car and constantly peer in the rear-view mirror? No, you don't. Look up ahead, there's guys out there who will trip over each other just to date you.
Author Jacque70 Posted August 21, 2005 Author Posted August 21, 2005 You're absolutely right. I just need to forget about it all together. I know in the past I've moved on fairly quickly so this should be no different. We work at the same organization, I just hope by the time I do run into him again I won't care anymore. I don't want him to think I'm angry with him, just that I have better things to do with my time. Thanks for the reality check.
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