Mrin Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 (edited) Ah man, where to start… I posted a rather clinical and dispassionate synopsis of the demise of my relationship with my forever girl a few weeks back. I was at the low point when I did it. Or at least I thought I was at the low point. In short, I ended a magical 2.5 year journey because I got frustrated. And I felt hurt. I guess you could say I felt rejected in a way. It was a rash decision and I categorically did not handle it well. I don’t get defensive often but when I do, man can I cock something up. She was going through an emotional maelstrom and I probably caused most of it. I took her emotional trauma as some sort of referendum on our relationship and it weighted heavily on me. Completely exhausting me because it was ongoing for many months. Honestly, looking back, I was the source of a lot of it. I regret that. So I ended it. Then I made things much much worse with writing something about our relationship that she found. It wasn’t a particularly awful rant, but it wasn’t accurate nor terribly nice to her. That really ended it. For good. Like dead as a doornail for good. God I can be such a horse’s ass sometimes... But that’s not why I am writing this. I’m writing this to share a deeply personal experience. What started off as an ill conceived “break” by me turned into a forever severing of everything. All meaningful contact. And it has left me utterly shattered. I thought I knew what my “low point” was. I thought I had reached it on day 3 when I wrote my clinical dissection of my ex-forever girl and felt her wrath upon reading it. I thought that was the low point. I was so sorely mistaken. The chest pains started a few days after that. Big time chest pains. Like an elephant standing on your sternum. Mind bending chest pains. I had had them before and they were diagnosed as acid reflux. I cut out any spicy food. They continued. Let me stop here for a moment. They feel like death. They feel like you are dying. Like a candle sputtering to stay lit. They are relentless. I ended up in the ER a couple of days later. I was so scared. After extensive testing the docs said it wasn’t my heart. It was my esophageal muscle spasming. They basically said, “we know you’re not having a heart attack because it hurts too much.” They ran all sorts of tests to prove it and prescribed some medication to help with it. They don’t help. You see, I learned that the trigger isn’t acid in my stomach. Or my diet. It is anxiety. Pure and simple. Anxiety. I am the cause. It is me. My anxiety. I don’t go around pining every moment for my ex. I have better mind control than that. It is my subconscious. If I am not distracted with work or something else, the attacks come. When I am distracted, they stay away - hours, or days at a time. If I have a beer - no problem. But left in a sober state with idle cycles on my brain, they come. They come a lot. I experience probably 20 to 40 attacks a day now. So imagine, having 20 to 40 amazingly painful heart attacks a day. Over and over. Relentless. It ages my soul. I know how to fix them. I could go on some anti-anxiety medications. I actually have a script from the doc and I had it filled today. Haven’t taken them yet. I have this really twisted relationship with my chest pains. I know I could take the pills and feel all better. But I don’t. I want to feel this pain. I want to bear witness to it. I want to endure it. Day after day. It is a penance of sorts. But it is something more. It is a reminder to me of what I’ve lost and how I’ve lost it. My body is rebelling against me. And I welcome it. It is over now. She and I. She made that clear in almost robotic intonations. She is the most beautiful, warm and caring woman that I’ve ever met. Yet she regards me with no more emotion that a smashed insect on her windscreen. That is not her nature. I know it. That speaks to the depths to which my actions and words cut. And I have to accept that. Learn from that. So, one day I will let the pill of salvation slip my tongue. But not today. I still need to feel this. Because, after all is said and done, this pain is all that I have left of her. Mrin Edited March 22, 2017 by Mrin
Sweetfish Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 It was a rash decision and I categorically did not handle it well. I don’t get defensive often but when I do, man can I cock something up. She was going through an emotional maelstrom and I probably caused most of it. I took her emotional trauma as some sort of referendum on our relationship and it weighted heavily on me. Completely exhausting me because it was ongoing for many months. Honestly, looking back, I was the source of a lot of it. I read your prior post and you did the RIGHT thing... You were walking on egg shell. The person you were with... the true person came out and you cannot blame your self for that. You simply saw the polar opposite and the reality you may have integrated with in the future. This was a true test to see how a relationship handles under pressure or stress and you two do not make the cut. Simple as that. This does not change the way you feel about her and I cannot fix that... but eventually somewhere down the line.. in that legal bonded contract... you would have eventually encountered this polar opposite and what would you do then.? What experience would transpire at that point in time.
allybaba789 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 It sounds to me like you are having panic attacks - I don't know much about those but something that has helped me during my break up is exercise. If you don't exercise 3-4 times a week already, I recommend you try it as it can really improve your mood, help with sleep patterns and you may find it is a helpful distraction from what you are going through.
breadbin Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 I read your post and I can identify with how you feel. I don't know why but I feel the same way. I was reminded of a song by the Nine Inch Nails called 'Hurt'. In your position I wouldn't take the tablets either because it would dull the sensation. I have been in pain for months now. I don't understand why I torture myself like this. It would be so much easier to just move on and leave things in the past. Find a new girl and have fun. I could have done that months ago but I drag out the suffering. Is it something to do with my upbringing? It is like as you said a penance that I put myself through. I do know i like doing things the hard way,
Author Mrin Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 I am not sure if I made the right decision. I go back and forth on that. I do know that I made the decision for the wrong reasons and definitely in the wrong manner. I treated her so badly and I feel awful about it. That's not how you treat someone you love. Jesus, I think back to what I did and how I did it and I wonder what type of person I am... breadbin - love the comment about doing things the hard way. My ex always said that about me - that I like to do things the hard way. ally - thanks for the advice. I've been working out four times a week. I can't imagine what my emotional and mental state would be if I didn't. The attacks came again this morning. About 30 minutes after I woke up. Want to know the crazy sick thing? During my pain free period I actually worried that the attacks were gone. That the pain was gone. And I felt like I had lost the last bit of her. Isn't that nuts?
keiji Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 The attacks came again this morning. About 30 minutes after I woke up. Want to know the crazy sick thing? During my pain free period I actually worried that the attacks were gone. That the pain was gone. And I felt like I had lost the last bit of her. Isn't that nuts? Not necessarily. Three years ago I asked a therapist why I kept pining for a woman with whom I had an awfully toxic relationship and she said, "because negative emotions make us feel alive too". I don't know if this is your case too, but might be an explanation. You're trying to hold on to a relationship that is no more and, as you say, the only thing that's left for you is the pain. I don't want to crowd your thread with YouTube links, but this might hopefully bring a smile to your face:
Author Mrin Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 Not necessarily. Three years ago I asked a therapist why I kept pining for a woman with whom I had an awfully toxic relationship and she said, "because negative emotions make us feel alive too". I don't know if this is your case too, but might be an explanation. You're trying to hold on to a relationship that is no more and, as you say, the only thing that's left for you is the pain. I don't want to crowd your thread with YouTube links, but this might hopefully bring a smile to your face: That's such a great clip! Thank you. I needed that.
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