I know it's wrong, but it harder to walk away than you would think

[WishingToBeInvisible]

Okay, let me preface with this; I feel like a total piece of **** for not shutting down these thoughts already. I know what the right thing to do should be, but it really is a lot harder than I ever had thought it would be. Also, the woman who will be mentioned in said post and I HAVE NOT had sex... yet. It's the last part that worries me.

 

Now... story time...

 

Two years ago, one of my sisters best friends moved back to our home state with her husband. She had moved away at the age of 17, married shortly after, and has been very happily married to this date. I meet her for the first time in my adult life at said sisters house during a viewing party. I'm fairly socially awkward in front of new people, so it wasn't much of an interaction. She had remembered me, but I had no clue on earth who she was haha, which made me feel a little bad considering her and my sister were apparently good friends for a few years. I see her from time to time at my sisters house after that for game nights that my sister would hold. At the time, her husband was working a night shift at a prison, on top of being a U.S. Marshal. I heard some incredible stories about this guy, and knowing what i know now, they are almost definitely all true. This guy sounded like a total badass, which he is, so I was surprised to find that he was a special kind of nerd like me. We enjoy nerdy activities/content without really being what would typically be considered nerds. Finally, the woman suggested that we get a tabletop game going with her, her husband, and a few of my friends. We all accept the proposition, and thus, I am thrust into a position to grow my relationship with both of these individuals.

 

Months go by of doing this campaign, and I get to know her husband fairly well, more so than her, as most of the free time for conversation took place before gameplay, which would always start immediately after she got home from work. Well one day, he got swooped into the briefing room, and assigned a mission. I was the first person he called, he had no clue how to tell her. I really just listened to him talk through it all himself, seemed like the best thing I could do for him at the time. Needless to say, the group was finished for the foreseeable future.

 

I don't really get to hear from him before he has to take off. I honestly didn't really hear from either of them for the next two months to follow, until i get a phone call from the husband. That morning, she had had a peeping tom looking through her bathroom window as she was getting out of the shower. The creep had knocked on the window to freak her out when she started to look suspiciously at the window. Haha she is such a beast, she was so busy with work, that she decided to wait to deal with police on the matter until later that night. Regardless, she was pretty shaken up, and her husband knew it. He asked me to get in contact with her, go check out the area, the windows, hang new curtains and change the locks. Knowing the kind of sacrifices this man was making, I obliged without thinking twice. Apparently, on a seperate call between the two of them, he had told her that my brother-in-law and I were the only two men he really trusted back home to help take care of her. He is new to the area, doesn't really know that many people, and takes pride in his sense of judgement; trusting her husband, she follows suit with her trust.

 

I go and take care of all that he had asked me to, and let her know that he was wanting me to check in on her every once in a while. She almost seemed excited, I honestly think she was in kind of a dark place, and her husband knew she needed some company to keep her from going insane. But, she is a workaholic, and if she doesn't have available people to fill her extra time with, she will just work instead. I go and see her again that Friday night, and we ended up pulling an all nighter talking. About everything, God, politics, literature, movies even. We didn't agree on anywhere near everything, but we didn't care. We really enjoyed each others company and opinions on different subjects. Before you know it, we are hanging out most nights. We even decided to work her into my gym schedule for us to go work out together, it honestly made sense being that we had a membership to the same gym, and her workout partner was on the other side of the world.

 

Fast forward a couple of months, New Years is coming up, and she has a trip that she takes annually, but doesn't want to go alone and has nobody that was readily available/interested in taking a 12 hour drive, so she invites me. I agree to go, as I also needed a bit of a vacation. We have a great time while we are there, got day drunk on mimosas, walked around the city during the day, and went bar hopping that night. Also, this was the first night that either of us got to speak to her husband in quite a while! I was pretty excited to hear from him, but I can't even describe her face when she saw she was getting a skype call from him right before midnight. I remember feeling so happy for them that they were getting to at least see each others faces, but so sad for them knowing how dangerous his work is and how much longer he was going to be out on mission. I remember thinking how strong they both were.

 

After all of the festivities of the night are over, we go back to the hotel room. She knew I was in a funk, she could see it all night. I was having issues with a girl that I had been hung up on for almost two years, and she knew that. Honestly, we told each other everything, so she really knew how hard of a time i was having with everything in my life in general. About this time, she did something completely uncharacteristic. It wasn't bad or immoral or anything, but she climbed in my bed, laid her head on my chest and wrapped her arms around me. We fell asleep talking like this. Now, what made this so uncharacteristic of her, is how little she cares for physical contact. I am not exaggerating when I say, that the extent of physical contact we had had to this point, was we had hugged... once. No joke. I honestly didn't ever think about it until she would reference how little she likes physical conduct to other people on later dates, it never even bothered me as I was completely cool with following her lead with however comfortable she was, but I digress. It was around this time that we had started noticing how alike we really were. Especially with the way we think, we were both completely taken back at how much we truly understood each other, and at how comfortable we had become with each other so quickly.

 

A couple of more months go by, and I hear from the husband to help with her valentines day surprise. Honestly, I was ecstatic, I could tell how excited he was for it all, and I knew how much she hated surprises, so both her husband and I were looking forward to it, and she was being tortured all week knowing that there was a surprise coming, but not knowing when or what it would be... haha, she really does not like surprises. I pull an all nighter the night before V-Day to pull everything off, and it goes off without a hitch... That was the last time I've spoken to her husband...

 

Not really too many incidents like New Years have occured since, aside from the occasional wrestling match/general teasing... but that's as far as physical contact typically goes, honestly we still don't even hug to this day lol. So, the weekend after V-Day, we go out for a few drinks, go back to her place and watch a couple of episodes of one of the shows we were watching on Netflix at the moment. At one point, we had kind of just stopped the show to talk. We were both a little drunk, and I was just sitting in one of her chairs while she left the room for something. She came back, and instead of sitting in the chair next to mine, she sits in my lap. Nothing sexual or anything, it was more out of a place of comfort. We talk for a few minutes, and somehow the conversation was steered to the subject of trust. How much she trusted me, how comfortable she was with me compared to her other brothers (none of them blood related btw, she has always had platonic relationships with guys. She used to be the biggest tomboy, although you wouldn't know it if you met her today. I still have a hard time believing that she ever was one), but then also how she wouldn't lump me in with that group of relationships in her life. She decides to prove her point of how much she can trust me, and she leans in and kisses me. I accept it, but just stare back afterwards, not making any kind of move afterwards. She almost looked satisfied with the fact that i didn't just move in on her and start kissing back. She just smiled and said, "see, I trust you." and proceeded to turn the next 2 hours into some of the most intense of my life. I ended up with bruises from her biting me all the way across both shoulders and neck bad enough to the point where i had to wear massive amounts of tattoo makeup to work and basically avoid my roommate for a week to avoid and questions, as she has questioned the intent of our relationship before.

 

I managed to keep her and I from making the bigger mistake, however, we both still felt fairly guilty. Of course, the next morning we talked about the events of the previous evening. We both decide it was completely mechanical, and choose to move past it (because that ever works out...). She had told me that night before, that she had permission from her husband, and that she had one "Pass". I didn't want to know the details of said condition, at the time, I chose not to believe her as we had both been drinking. However, after having this conversation, I came to learn that she was being honest with me. She wanted to make sure that I didn't feel guilty about what had taken place. Neither of us wanted things to get weird, we both lean on each other for so much. Regardless, we decide that it should never happen again.

 

But would you look at that, it's St. Patrick's Day, and we've both had a hell of a week, so we decide to go get a couple of beers and go dancing. Obviously, you see where this is probably going, so I will put in much fewer details this time around. One thing I noticed, is during both events, there was a moment where she would test my fortitude; to make sure that I could say no to her if she were to try something (because she knows how she is apparently, she is pretty aggressive). I passed with flying colors again, and before I know it, another 3 hours of my life is gone.

 

The conversation over this happening was much much shorter. More or less, just the words "that can't happen again". Idk, I'm starting to wonder if those words really mean anything when we had both said similar things during the act itself, before quickly resuming. However, we did touch on more emotional things afterward that were not necessarily related. Without going into any detail of said conversation, I basically had told her that I feel bad and that I felt I was using her. I told her that I simply have had next to no experience with anything since my last girlfriend... 8 years ago... and that I was using her, the only seemingly willing subject, to practice on. And she informs me that she feels like she had taken advantage of me. So we are both sitting in the same place it seems to me, it is completely mechanical and we both feel like we took advantage of the other one... This alone scares me, because in reality, that means neither of us were taking advantage of each other, and we both know that now. It may just be one less thing I feel guilty about in the future if, God forbid, it happens again. "Will I be able to say no?" is the question I keep asking myself in the hypothetical of the event taking place again. And the answer? I honestly have no clue...

 

 

We both suffer from not being able to really connect with people in a real way. We are polite to people, and we take care of people, but we fake all of our connections to most people. I don't know if I've ever met anyone who understands me like she does, and vice versa. She is definitely connected to her husband, and she loves him a ridiculous amount... they both do. But I understand her on a more visceral level according to her. And with me being, in her eyes for the longest time (even when we started hanging out with just us two), her friends little brother. It really has just shocked us both. We know that we cannot continue down that path, but neither of us seem incredibly motivated to stop it completely, as any action we could take seems like it would greatly diminish the amount of support we receive from one another in several aspects. Several nights out of the week, I will go sleep at her house, just so we can both fall asleep holding onto someone. I know that doesn't help the situation in the slightest, we just both feel totally beaten down by life and are looking for that base level of comfort.

 

 

Sorry for having such a long post, especially for it being my first, there was just a lot of little details I feel are important to the situation as a whole... context is everything. Honestly could have done another several paragraphs on backstory's to give more of an idea of character, but I feel like this was too long as it is. Any advice given will be appreciated, I'm honestly at a loss right now...

[MuddyFootprints]

Blah blah blah.

 

She's married.

 

Blah blah blah.

 

The context, while a riveting story, is irrelevant.

[aileD]

She's married.

 

To your friend who trusts you more than other people to look out for his wife while he's away.

 

She probably is missing her husband and you are safe.

 

I agree, all the paragraphs of details dont matter.

 

SHE IS MARRIED.

 

Cut it out.

[Darren Steez]

and we take care of people

 

No you don't.

 

Excuses wrapped up in lies to justify...

 

Cheating.

 

It's not hard to walk away because you can just... walk away because what you're doing is wrong.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I get tired of these stories "I know it's wrong but I just can't help myself", "No-one understands me like him/her", "We have such a great connection"

 

Big yawn.

 

Has she got you tied to the bed with a gun to your head?

 

No, I didn't think so.

 

She's married.

 

Grow some cojones and walk away.

[Ahurtgirl]

Husband's can be very protective of their wives. You may want to consider his reaction if he finds out. Stop it before your safety is at risk.

[NTV]

Do you journal? ?

 

Also ever watch Family Guy? You know how peters dog is always wanting lois? Guess what?

[Birdies]

Dude this badass military guy is going to beat the everliving shlt out of you!!!

 

You need to stop before you destroy both of your lives. You say over and over how much she loves him. If you care about her at all, CUT IT OFF before she loses him and blames you. (Not that it'd be your fault per se - she's the married one and she's kind of a cocktease.)

 

Most of us here have had affairs and have had our lives completely imploded into utter chaos and destruction because of it. Alternatively, people have gotten so emotionally dependent on the affair partner that ultimately having it abruptly end (as yours surely will when the husband comes home) is literally the worst, most difficult thing they've ever endured.

 

Just man up and end this unhealthy relationship before you both regret it. It's going to get real shltty real fast,and you're going to regret it. Do some online dating, get a sweet dog from the shelter to cuddle, whatever you need -just stop this!

 

And no, you cannot "just be friends" with her after this. I know that seems unfair, but it's the price you pay for getting involved with a married person. It either leads back into the affair, or it prolongs your pain and delays the healing process.

Edited March 22, 2017 by Birdies

[somanymistakes]

She's lonely, you're lonely, you're attracted. It's perfectly natural what's happening, but it's going to lead to a disaster.

 

Do you know how long he's going to be away on this mission? If he's going to be home in the next few months, the best thing for you to do is be COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTACT until he comes back, then see them both together. This will help reinforce your boundaries.

 

Given that you are all geeks and the preponderance of unusual arrangements among geeks is much higher than in the general population, there's the tiny sliver of a chance of something changing someday. However, that conversation absolutely cannot happen while he is away and in a dangerous situation, because that would be a complete betrayal.

[Sampson]

Without going into all the wrongs this is. I want to point out something to help you see what your relationship really is with this woman.

 

You are engaging in a "bubble relationship" with a married woman. Your relationship is devoid of all the troublesome components of real life and only narrowly focused on the "here and now" good time feelings. Coupled with the high of forbidden components.

 

You and her are definitely engaging in an emotional affair with each other. And this is addicting and will only lead to a physical affair down the road. Your affair either emotional or physical will then be discovered and you will lose both as friends and cause tremendous amounts of pain.

 

You say you care for him but in reality what are your actions showing? These are selfish actions. You say one thing but your actions are for your own pleasures and emotional greed.

 

You should checkout the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

 

Food for thought

Edited March 22, 2017 by Sampson

[savingshards]

Don't just walk away. Run. And run fast.

 

Then be thankful you got away.

[spiderowl]

She is teasing you, whether you dress it up as anything else or not. She is trying to get you to have sex with her.

 

Problem is, here she is willing to be unfaithful to her husband. That says a lot about her.

 

Think of your safety here. Her husband is a trained killer. He might be a friend now but if he gets wind of an affair, this could turn into a living nightmare.

 

Think about what kind of person she is. Is she the kind of person you want or is she just a woman who is attracted to you? There will be other women for you, as long as you don't get stuck on this one. You really are onto a loser here.

[Robert]

Seems the thread starter hasn't been back to post, thread closed.

 

If they would like the thread re-opened then alert on my post and request it, thanks