Miranda86 Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we are going through a rough patch and its now much worse. He and I do not live together. We are both divorced, 30 years old but I have two kids and he has no children. One day back in February, he casually mentioned to me that his friends were thinking of going on a group vacation in May or June and he told them upon my approval to count us both in. The group consists of 3 couples and two single guys. These are his lifelong friends and two of their girls. They have all been a clique for years and I'm the newcomer whose trying to earn my place in their circle. Im ust mentioning all that so its clear that this is not a Bro Trip and we have all been on vacation to the same place with the same group just last year and had a great time. But a few months after the trip I found out about several big lies about himself. Saying we are in a rough patch is an understatement. When I found out that my boyfriend lied about several things during the beginning of our relationship and lied by omission about what he does during his free time I almost broke up with him but just couldn't. Long story short, he made himself out to be something he is not and conned me. He hasn't shown remorse or shame or regret he is mostly angry that I'm making him face some consequences. I love him and I feel like we can get past that. But now he is tired of "trying to undo the past" aka hit the reset button and pretend it never happened just to keep moving forward. Im holding back from taking the next step with him because I want to make sure were not jumping the gun. Since Ive been very loving he has no emotional pain or doubts or concerns of his own about us as a couple like I do. I don't like to dwell on the past and I am not using this as a way to manipulate him. I want my feelings to be validated and healed. Once he shows me empathy and drops his guard we will be en route to that next step...just not yet. back to my issue, this trip planning was casually mentioned to me in passing Feb. 8th like it was just an idea nothing concrete. Little did I know that it wasn't just a thought, it was a plan in progress. His 3 guy friends and a girlfriend had been actively planning the trip in a group text but he never once mentioned it to me. From February 10th to February 22nd when the trip was confirmed they searched hotels things to do entertainment etc. He never once told me a thing or gave me a heads up about the dates we would go, June 1st through June 4th. He never mentioned that he scheduled his vacation time off with his job. we The trip is in Lake Tahoe and they are renting a cabin and he paid for himself and for me without ever telling me, $650. So randomly about week after this trip was confirmed, I asked about. If the vacation getaway was all talk or a genuine plan. We were texting so I couldn't see his face but I could tell he paused at my question. He wrote, "Oh yeah i meant to tell you but it completely slipped my mind especially with all this tension and I'm swamped at work so forgive me but we already decided on a rental property and booked a nice cabin a week ago for June 1-4 and I really hope you can get a babysitter so you can come with us":eek: If I hadnt asked him about it, I have no clue how long it would have been before I found out. I was stunned. That was so rude. That is when I got suspicious of him. I thought he was purposefully leaving me in the dark about these plans so that I wouldn't be able to go . I feel like he paid my part of the rental to appear that he expected me to come but he could care less. when I asked why didn't he tell me he said that it was "time sensitive" and he had to agree to the trip immediately. he said he just had no time. but He lied. I see that lied had a full day to text me which I see proof of on our phone bill. Since there are no refunds and had to be paid in full immediately plus a deposit there is no rescheduling. Of course When I checked my schedule, guess what...... I am not available at all during that entire time. I CANT GO. When I broke the news to my boyfriend, he said that i didn't try very hard at all. Then he had the nerve to guilt trip me give to me the burden of when HE WAS THE ONE that failed to mention anything to me until almost two weeks after her the trip was confirmed! He said, "I thought you would be able to juggle things around and make it work for us." He still has not apologized or shown any empathy. He hates that I found out his lies because it slowed us down from becoming more serious. I can tell my taking things slower now is causing him to lose steam. In the future I need to feel safe and secure with him but if he doesn't have my back, how can I trust that he will be dependable in our future. He seem resentful, passive aggressive or doesn't have our best interests at heart and when he didn't throughout the planning of a simple trip Am I in the wrong? Or is he? Am I over reacting? He doesn't seem bothered that Im the only one not able to go. He is still himself there is no awkward moments unless i mention it. Im so hurt that he would still plan on going despite it being his fault that I can not.
smackie9 Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 first off we can't give you any kind of advice if you don't tell us what he lied about. 3
Poutrew Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 There really is no problem here. He booked his vacation - just tell him to go and enjoy himself. Then, while he is gone, find another boyfriend. Current bf is a game player, and a con man. Make sure future bf isn't. Good luck. 4
Gaeta Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 I would tell him he can go as a single man from now on. You are trying to patch a broken vase together but no matter how good you glue the pieces together it will always remain a broken vase. This relationship is broken beyond repair. 3
Author Miranda86 Posted March 22, 2017 Author Posted March 22, 2017 (edited) first off we can't give you any kind of advice if you don't tell us what he lied about. Thanks for your response. He lied about his readiness to start a new relationship. He pretended to be at ease with introducing me into his life and he assured me that he really wanted to be with me. I didnt want to start a relationship with someone who was caught in the moment and not thinking clearly. My intuition told me that he may need to be single for some more time because of his excessive porn use and hiding it all from me. He had always beenslow to react to my advances but i figured out it was because he had been watching porn before I came over and up until I parked my car. I watch porn and am open about it but he is very sneaky and hush hush about his daily use. And what he watches isnt typical porn where the viewer admires two people enjoying sex with eachother. No no he watches only POint Of View porn where it looks like the viwer is the man on the receiving end with the girl. He hasnt ever used a chat site but he prefers that type of "porn" where he feels like he involved rather than enjoying others. That feels like cheating to me. Theres a huge difference between types of porn and i dont believe what he watched qualified as porn. Its affair prep. He never mentioned having that kind of appetite for porn and I was approachable and open so he has no excuse. He has closed part of himself off so i dont know the real him and he is living a double life. So he claimed to quit which i never suggested i just wanted to not be treated like im stupid. But i dont believe he kept his own promise because he has been doing typical porn moves during sex that im down for but still totally obviously picked up from a porn. I figured mentioning what he lied about would distract from the vacation. Edited March 22, 2017 by Miranda86
act00 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 I think you're right in that he was planning this trip, and not planning you to be apart of it. Couples talk and coordinate...maybe not well, but it usually isn't unilateral...there's mention, of it somewhere. Even without kids, time has to be arranged around work, among other preparations. He made these plans without a single word or mention. You already have your doubts; consider these red flags. I mean, to not even mention the trip at all, ever, is a real problem. He supposedly cares about you. People who care, consider the other person in these plans and value their time and their lives. He's done. If you never brought it up, I can just imagine, on May 31st, "What are you doing?" "Getting ready for the trip." "What trip?" Geez, even if this was a business trip, he couldn't let you know? Time to cut your losses. 2
Arieswoman Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 Miranda, There are enough red flags waving here to stampede a herd of Charolais. Your bf has a whole load of problems and you can't fix them. Please get out of this destructive relationship that's going nowhere, and then take steps to recover your self-esteem. Good luck x 5
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 OP, it's time to skidoosh! He is not a keeper. 2
Redhead14 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years and we are going through a rough patch and its now much worse. He and I do not live together. We are both divorced, 30 years old but I have two kids and he has no children. One day back in February, he casually mentioned to me that his friends were thinking of going on a group vacation in May or June and he told them upon my approval to count us both in. The group consists of 3 couples and two single guys. These are his lifelong friends and two of their girls. They have all been a clique for years and I'm the newcomer whose trying to earn my place in their circle. Im ust mentioning all that so its clear that this is not a Bro Trip and we have all been on vacation to the same place with the same group just last year and had a great time. But a few months after the trip I found out about several big lies about himself. Saying we are in a rough patch is an understatement. When I found out that my boyfriend lied about several things during the beginning of our relationship and lied by omission about what he does during his free time I almost broke up with him but just couldn't. Long story short, he made himself out to be something he is not and conned me. He hasn't shown remorse or shame or regret he is mostly angry that I'm making him face some consequences. I love him and I feel like we can get past that. But now he is tired of "trying to undo the past" aka hit the reset button and pretend it never happened just to keep moving forward. Im holding back from taking the next step with him because I want to make sure were not jumping the gun. Since Ive been very loving he has no emotional pain or doubts or concerns of his own about us as a couple like I do. I don't like to dwell on the past and I am not using this as a way to manipulate him. I want my feelings to be validated and healed. Once he shows me empathy and drops his guard we will be en route to that next step...just not yet. back to my issue, this trip planning was casually mentioned to me in passing Feb. 8th like it was just an idea nothing concrete. Little did I know that it wasn't just a thought, it was a plan in progress. His 3 guy friends and a girlfriend had been actively planning the trip in a group text but he never once mentioned it to me. From February 10th to February 22nd when the trip was confirmed they searched hotels things to do entertainment etc. He never once told me a thing or gave me a heads up about the dates we would go, June 1st through June 4th. He never mentioned that he scheduled his vacation time off with his job. we The trip is in Lake Tahoe and they are renting a cabin and he paid for himself and for me without ever telling me, $650. So randomly about week after this trip was confirmed, I asked about. If the vacation getaway was all talk or a genuine plan. We were texting so I couldn't see his face but I could tell he paused at my question. He wrote, "Oh yeah i meant to tell you but it completely slipped my mind especially with all this tension and I'm swamped at work so forgive me but we already decided on a rental property and booked a nice cabin a week ago for June 1-4 and I really hope you can get a babysitter so you can come with us":eek: If I hadnt asked him about it, I have no clue how long it would have been before I found out. I was stunned. That was so rude. That is when I got suspicious of him. I thought he was purposefully leaving me in the dark about these plans so that I wouldn't be able to go . I feel like he paid my part of the rental to appear that he expected me to come but he could care less. when I asked why didn't he tell me he said that it was "time sensitive" and he had to agree to the trip immediately. he said he just had no time. but He lied. I see that lied had a full day to text me which I see proof of on our phone bill. Since there are no refunds and had to be paid in full immediately plus a deposit there is no rescheduling. Of course When I checked my schedule, guess what...... I am not available at all during that entire time. I CANT GO. When I broke the news to my boyfriend, he said that i didn't try very hard at all. Then he had the nerve to guilt trip me give to me the burden of when HE WAS THE ONE that failed to mention anything to me until almost two weeks after her the trip was confirmed! He said, "I thought you would be able to juggle things around and make it work for us." He still has not apologized or shown any empathy. He hates that I found out his lies because it slowed us down from becoming more serious. I can tell my taking things slower now is causing him to lose steam. In the future I need to feel safe and secure with him but if he doesn't have my back, how can I trust that he will be dependable in our future. He seem resentful, passive aggressive or doesn't have our best interests at heart and when he didn't throughout the planning of a simple trip Am I in the wrong? Or is he? Am I over reacting? He doesn't seem bothered that Im the only one not able to go. He is still himself there is no awkward moments unless i mention it. Im so hurt that he would still plan on going despite it being his fault that I can not. Long story short, he made himself out to be something he is not and conned me. -- And, so it continues . . . only now you are conning yourself. 3
preraph Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 At a bare minimum, he was being passive-aggressive not telling you about it. Look, he is a manipulator and like you said, a con man. Nothing good can come of that. I say cheerfully stay home and tell him you've been looking forward to some me time anyway and let HIM be the one who worries about it. 1
olivetree Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 Your relationship cannot survive because it is not built on trust. A liar is not the kind of man you want to build a life with or the example you want to set for your children. I know it's really hard to let a two-year relationship go, but it's better now than later. I don't think there is anything worth saving here. You can do it, and we will support you here on LS! 2
smackie9 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 OK so you don't approve of the type of porn he enjoys, you feel it's cheating....well then why haven't you dumped him already? I don't get that you posted about this damn trip, when the obvious issue is with his porn habit. 4
Redhead14 Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 Most of the time, the arguments couples whose relationships are failing have are about TOPICS, not the underlying issues . . . the vacation argument is simply a veil for the real problems they have that are not being dealt with effectively. 2
kendahke Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 (edited) I want my feelings to be validated and healed. Once he shows me empathy and drops his guard we will be en route to that next step... And if he won't, what are you prepared to do? In both of your posts, I see nothing that commends him to a relationship with you. You two have fundamental disagreements about fundamental things. If you believe the style of porn he prefers is cheating, then why are you with a cheater? You can love him from afar if you feel you need to love him. Doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with him. He will just find sneakier ways to hide/lie from you, then round and round you'll both go, with your children witnessing your meltdowns. That's pretty much who he is and if you can' accept him for who he is as he is, then it's time for you to quit kidding yourself about the viability of this involvement you've got going on with him. Edited March 22, 2017 by kendahke 2
preraph Posted March 22, 2017 Posted March 22, 2017 This just doesn't sound like anyone you should want to try to hold onto. 4
Author Miranda86 Posted March 23, 2017 Author Posted March 23, 2017 OK so you don't approve of the type of porn he enjoys, you feel it's cheating....well then why haven't you dumped him already? I don't get that you posted about this damn trip, when the obvious issue is with his porn habit. Well he claimed he quit and that really is a seperate issue. But youre right, its been very hard. This isnt just some guy though. This is my long lost love..... The one that got away.....my biggest crush in high school. Hearts around his pic in yearbooks. And we have really compatible personalities. This is someome I've known for a long time. We went to high school together. We Had huge crushes on eachother but never dated because he was an ex of my friend . Fast forward 10 years later we are both divorcing and go solo to our 10 year reunion and have not gone one day without speaking since December 6, 2014. We make each other laugh so hard he makes me feel at peace when were together he is great with my kids and they love him he is a very very very very good lover and he can make me smile when im full on sobbing he wipes my nose for me. Maybe its all me and im in denial. Perhaps im psyching myself out. I think I'm trying to find reasons to break up with him because i know how much he means to me and if anything goes wrong i dont think id handle it well. I think I'm just avoiding taking the leap of faith. I have kids i have to be cautious. I just wanted advice on this trip bull**** because its always my word against his and i am tired of referencing "online articles" that touch on similar issues in an attempt to gain some traction. I wanted real people with opinions and i am so grateful to everyone for your time. This is helping so much. These arent the answers that i wanted. Everyone who has replied gives great advice. Im going to miss him too much. How unhealthy... i know
Miss Spider Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 (edited) I don't think this can work. You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone without trust. You don't trust him. Edited March 23, 2017 by Cookiesandough 3
GoldSparkz Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 From everything you've said, you're basically ignoring the fact that a) this guy manipulated you to get you in a relationship b) plans a big trip without you and c) has a porn addiction. Just because you fancied each other in high school doesn't necessarily mean you are compatible as adults when there's kids and divorces thrown into the mix. Despite him being good in bed, making you laugh and being good with your kids, I fail to see why you are still with him. You've basically described a con man, who's manipulated you to the point that you cannot see that his failings are no good foundation for a relationship. 4
kendahke Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 This isnt just some guy though. This is my long lost love..... The one that got away.....my biggest crush in high school. Hearts around his pic in yearbooks. ...who: grew up to prefer watching a style of porn that you consider cheating. hides things from you. lies to you as naturally as taking his next breath makes plans with your time without consulting you you can't trust The above doesn't change my advice. He grew into someone wholly incompatible to who you grew into. Sometimes, you can never go back home. 1
smackie9 Posted March 23, 2017 Posted March 23, 2017 I just wanted advice on this trip bull**** because its always my word against his and i am tired of referencing "online articles" that touch on similar issues in an attempt to gain some traction. I wanted real people with opinions and i am so grateful to everyone for your time. This is helping so much. These arent the answers that i wanted. Everyone who has replied gives great advice. Im going to miss him too much. How unhealthy... i know This trip issue, his attitude, his deception, are all symptoms of a bigger issue. He not able to compromise or work with you because he is selfish/self entitled and would rather you just get over it. He knows he's got you over a barrel, he knows you won't leave him, he knows you stay because he satisfies you in bed, he knows how to play the role of a father.....he has you hostage, that's why he knows he can get away with murder. If you won't stick up for yourself out of fear of him leaving you.....well maybe that would tell you that he really doesn't care. You will have your answer that you are wasting your time with someone who isn't interested in being invested in you. 2
Author Miranda86 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 I don't think this can work. You can't have a healthy relationship with anyone without trust. You don't trust him. You're right. Thank you. Im so sad.
Author Miranda86 Posted March 27, 2017 Author Posted March 27, 2017 This trip issue, his attitude, his deception, are all symptoms of a bigger issue. He not able to compromise or work with you because he is selfish/self entitled and would rather you just get over it. He knows he's got you over a barrel, he knows you won't leave him, he knows you stay because he satisfies you in bed, he knows how to play the role of a father.....he has you hostage, that's why he knows he can get away with murder. If you won't stick up for yourself out of fear of him leaving you.....well maybe that would tell you that he really doesn't care. You will have your answer that you are wasting your time with someone who isn't interested in being invested in you. I believe you are right. I also now see that he might be waiting to be dumped so he doesnt have to be the bad guy. I feel sick from all of this. Its taking years off my life, for sure. I know we would be a great couple had we made different choices in life and if we were in better places in life but we arent. Ive never met someone who is so much like me. Thank you for your advice. I guess my life from now on shouldnt be about relationships. They have given me nothing but problems, stress and low self-esteem. I cant
basil67 Posted March 27, 2017 Posted March 27, 2017 Thanks for your response. He lied about his readiness to start a new relationship. He pretended to be at ease with introducing me into his life and he assured me that he really wanted to be with me. I didnt want to start a relationship with someone who was caught in the moment and not thinking clearly. My intuition told me that he may need to be single for some more time because of his excessive porn use and hiding it all from me. He had always beenslow to react to my advances but i figured out it was because he had been watching porn before I came over and up until I parked my car. I watch porn and am open about it but he is very sneaky and hush hush about his daily use. And what he watches isnt typical porn where the viewer admires two people enjoying sex with eachother. No no he watches only POint Of View porn where it looks like the viwer is the man on the receiving end with the girl. He hasnt ever used a chat site but he prefers that type of "porn" where he feels like he involved rather than enjoying others. That feels like cheating to me. Theres a huge difference between types of porn and i dont believe what he watched qualified as porn. Its affair prep. He never mentioned having that kind of appetite for porn and I was approachable and open so he has no excuse. He has closed part of himself off so i dont know the real him and he is living a double life. So he claimed to quit which i never suggested i just wanted to not be treated like im stupid. But i dont believe he kept his own promise because he has been doing typical porn moves during sex that im down for but still totally obviously picked up from a porn. I figured mentioning what he lied about would distract from the vacation. Miranda, I'm going to dig into this a little further so that we can try and work through his mindset when it comes to him not acknowledging the damage caused in the relationship. You say he lied about his readiness to start a new relationship. But did he know he wasn't ready and deliberately lie to you? Or did he later realise that he wasn't ready? Or does he feel that he was perfectly ready for a relationship and that the porn should be able to coexist in a relationship? Thing is, there's a great deal of difference between actively lying and not fully understanding our own needs at the time. If he didn't see that what he was doing was wrong and didn't set out to deliberately deceive you, I can see why he feels that you shouldn't hold it against him. Could it also be that he booked the cabin but had decided to wait and see how the relationship goes before telling you about it? By the sounds of things, it's hanging by a thread - so I think it's sensible to wait and see if you'd still be together. Not defending him.....just trying to dig a bit further into his psyche.
Recommended Posts