Should I initiate the definine the relationship talk? [UPDATE GF becoming distant]

[KrimzonWolf]

My dad reacts very similar to questions that most people would consider simple questions, so while I know how to deal with people like this if I ever met a girl who exhibited behavior like you have described...I would not date her. But if this can be resolved via the suggestions of the members above, then by all means continue the relationship.

[joseb]

How much time have you actually been together?

What is the reason it's long distance?

[joseb]

Her last relationship only lasted a month and this is my first. We're both pretty new to this. She has gone through a lot in the past. Trust me. No one in her life has ever been consistently there for her but I want to be the one to change that but only if she'll let me.

I'm extremely wary if "woe is me, nobody cared for me" types. Make sure you are in this relationship for the right reasons (not, for example, to play white knight).

[kendahke]

Do you enjoy fighting?

 

If so, maintain the course.

 

The way she operates is that she twists what is said to her to fit her agenda, to which you will never be privy. Adjust yourself for this to be your new normal if you elect to stay with her and attempt to rescue her from herself, which is what you've said amounts to.

 

There is a huge reason why she can't maintain relationships and emotionally healthy guys have put her down after one month because that mess is too much.

 

She needs a therapist more than a boyfriend.

[smackie9]

She either has commitment issues or she doesn't like someone else being at the helm. In either case get out NOW, and don't look bad.

[jjb117]

My girlfriend was having a bad day yesterday and I knew that. We texted each other somewhat but things were completely fine. She then called me so I answered. Apparently one of her best friends came to visit in college and she was ecstatic. I was happy too.

 

A few moments later she then said we would have to reschedule going off to NH on Saturday rather than Friday (which was initially planned). So here's the thing, in the past she hasn't been the best with plans, like sometimes we'll agree to go out at 3pm and then we'll end up leaving around 7 or 8. It frustrates me a bit but I have never brought it up.

 

At first I was a bit annoyed, but I soon realized I was being childish. This was one of her best friends visiting, I couldn't be mad (at least this time).

 

Apparently I wasn't quick enough to change my mood and she later left the phone sounding disappointed. She then texted me she needed me to be more supportive and yeah she was right, I should have been. So I apologized and asked to call her later because I really did want to hear about her day.

 

No response. No text before heading to bed. Nothing. I've always been taught to at least try to solve your problems before heading to bed, so this made me lose a little respect for her. We've had our fits in the past, much larger one's, and we've always tried to come to a solution.

 

We're headed into a long distance relationship and I'm scared something like this will have us drift apart. I know I need someone who communicates better because from my past experience ignoring your SO just does not work/help. Am I being unreasonable? What should I do if she doesn't contact me today? Should I then assume we aren't going to NH anymore?

[d0nnivain]

Assume you are going to NH on Saturday unless in light of the delay you prefer to cancel.

 

 

After a fight a cooling off period is allowed. This is different then taking a break; it's more like a rest. I'd give her at least 48 hours.

 

 

Send her some flowers or a sweet snail mail card on Monday.

[kendahke]

You need to put this to her and come to a consensus about how to proceed in the future, if there is in fact going to be a future.

 

And you need to talk about that future with a LDR looming on the horizon.

[smackie9]

It seems the relationship and you revolve around her, and all she has to do is have a fit to make you feel guilty for having a legitimate excuse for being upset. You sir are a push over and that's why she gets away with having things her way.

 

Put your foot down, and don't tolerate HER childish behavior. Stand up for yourself and stop apologizing for everything just to pacify her.....this is why the cycle of disagreement continues.

 

Send her a message and tell her ignoring you is childish and ask if things are going as planned and if not, please let you know so you can schedule something with your friends.

[fromheart]

If you can't solve things before going to bed, working or eating, you're in for a rough ride.

 

She's being a bit selfish and childish, she cant make plans with you then change them to suit herself expecting you to be 'supportive,' ie tolerate her bad behavior.

 

When she arranges something for a Friday and changes it to a Saturday, tell her you cant make the Saturday because you already made plans for that night, she can let you know when she is next free.

 

If she refuses to communicate and resolve things, especially before bed, then tell her that you value good communication and your life is a drama free zone. Then NC until she reaches out to you in a positive and constructive manner.

 

The above might seem a little tedious, but you are going out with a bit of a spoiled little girl. No disrespect intended. Its going to be an uphill battle, if you want to continue with her I wouldn't get emotionally attached unless she grows up a bit.

[basil67]

I'm a little confused. This doesn't read like a fight. Seems to me that it was just a bit of a quibble which got quickly sorted out. Could it be that her lack of response was not because she was giving the silent treatment, but because she was busy having fun with her friend?

 

Regarding solving issues, I don't agree that an issue must be solved before bed. If I was having a disagreement with someone, it would not be out of line for someone to say "let's just drop this for now". Sometimes it's better to give the issue a rest, calm down and gain perspective before talking about it. Sleeping on a problem can give us a much better approach.

[jjb117]

I turned off my phone all day so I wasn't distracted during class. I just turned it on to find a few new messages. The first one says goodmorning, then she sent a picture of her and her friend that's visiting, then she said the reason she couldn't respond was because she went out last night and came back late.

 

I'm either going to play it off cool and bring it up later or straight up tell her to call me to work this out. I'm leaning on the first one mainly because I'll be able to see her in person. We'll see.

[basil67]

I turned off my phone all day so I wasn't distracted during class. I just turned it on to find a few new messages. The first one says goodmorning, then she sent a picture of her and her friend that's visiting, then she said the reason she couldn't respond was because she went out last night and came back late.

 

I'm either going to play it off cool and bring it up later or straight up tell her to call me to work this out. I'm leaning on the first one mainly because I'll be able to see her in person. We'll see.

 

So she wasn't giving you the silent treatment. She was just busy with her friend. Yay.

 

What exactly do you intend to bring up? Sounds to me like this was a just misunderstanding which quickly got sorted out on the evening it happened. Be careful to not make a mountain out of a molehill.

[preraph]

I don't think you owe her an apology. She is who changed plans. It was an acceptable reason, but you being understanding about it is reward enough for her changing plans. Sounds like she's pretty disorganized, with all the extreme lateness. I doubt her friend just suddenly appeared. It's probably been tentative and then rather than reschedule her, she reschuled you. So no flowers, but don't stay in a huff over it. You may now do the same to her sometime.

[live2ndin]

OP, your post caught my eye because I too have experienced quite a few times when I felt communication was lacking in my relationship. Have you recently had any in person conversations with your s/o about your feelings that you have expressed? How do you think she would respond? I admire your desire to take care not to go to bed angry, it is a great rule to follow and shows your wisdom.

[todreaminblue]

an oldfashioned belief of never let the sun go down on an argument holds true to me its fact that the era this quote came from marriages and relationships lasted longer .......but...people have different styles of dealing with things and lets just drop this for now and come abck to it later is also to me a way of not lettign the sun go down on an argument because you drop the subject.....and remain talking.....

 

 

communication and or conflict resolution/disagreement resolution is almost an art form, a dance..give and take steps....then steps together... a learning curve...... she very well maybe not giving you the silent treatment at all...i feel you should be honest...she isnt late in telling you when you need to be more supportive so dont be late in telling her when you are feeling a little insecure or unsure fo what is goign on between the two of you....be open....be honest...

 

 

honesty goes a long way to learning communication styles ...saves a lot of misread intentions or happenings allows a natural progression of knowing the other person intimately.......in fact i would say its the only way to develop a communication style that meshes with your so....honesty is key...good or bad...so is compromise and understanding.........i wish you well...ps texting or phone calls does not bode well for resolution its not a good medium for problems to be addressed...face to face is the only way....when i was ina long distance relationship with my ex....he actually flew interstate to resolve an issue we were having and we did...and to tell the truth it was breaking point.........talking to a disembodied voice often doesnt do the job......make the effort to deal with issues face to face...........

 

just have to say my last sentence ......i dreamt i wrote that one.....weird.......deb

Edited May 2, 2017 by todreaminblue

[jjb117]

As of recently my gf of four months started to go ldr for the summer since we live in two different states.

 

Communication was good the first few days but as of the last three, it has been subpar. I know she's independent so what we usually do is not text for a majority of the day but call each other at night (to debrief). As of the last three days I haven't been able to do that.

 

She called me yesterday in the morning, but the majority of thr conversation consisted of her talking to her friend while I was in the background listening. I left that call because I wasn't going to waste another 10 minutes. I want to talk to my girlfriend, not listen to her talk to someone else.

 

So basically I've only spoken to her for a good five minutes within the last three days and it's bothering me. I texted her saying I feel as though I wasn't getting enough communication as I wanted and she then shifted the conversation to a memory we once had, which was sweet but had no relation to what I had said.

 

Guys I just want to talk to my girlfriend. But I also know I shouldn't have to "beg" for it either.

Edited May 25, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
4 threads merged for context ~6

[d0nnivain]

You are asking too much. Texting for the "majority of the day" is not sustainable. People have lives & should not be expected to be tied to their phones.

 

You need to get a job, develop a hobby or find some friends to hang out with so you don't notice that you & her are not constantly connected. Needing 24/7 contact is unhealthy.

 

After only 4 months, the need for a daily phone call feels smothering to me. While you were on the phone she was rude to divide her attention, though. I'll give you that.

 

Dial it back -- severely -- or risk losing her.

 

Go enjoy your summer. Do try to see each other once or twice over the summer but allow the forced distance here foster "absence makes the heart grow fonder" so that your reunion at the start of Fall Semester is that much sweeter.

[jjb117]

You must have read it wrong, or I just wasn't clear enough. I never said I wanted to text her for the majority of the day. But I do wish to hear from her at least once per day.

 

I haven't had a conversation with her for a good four days now. I really don't think I'm asking for much here.

[mightycpa]

I texted her saying I feel as though I wasn't getting enough communication as I wanted and she then shifted the conversation to a memory we once had, which was sweet but had no relation to what I had said.

This is what we in the business call a HINT.

 

Imagine if you had told her that you won $100,000 in the lottery and you wanted to give her half. What are the chances she would have switched the conversation to something unrelated and ignored what you just said? She's not stupid. She's ignoring you because she doesn't want to have that conversation. Unfortunately, you can only guess why that is; my guess is because the conversation will not go the way you want it to go and she's not looking forward to disappointing you. She'd rather that you figure it out for yourself; after all, you're smart, you're a college boy. Surely you can grasp the meaning of silence.

 

GF becoming distant is a sign of the first step in detachment. I'm sure you want to fix this with her, but introducing a LDR at the 4 month mark is a huge interruption in the growth of the relationship. Some people, like you, would view it as only 13 weeks, even shorter if you plan to visit. Other people would view it as a cause for the breakdown of the relationship, especially if there are other opportunities to be had that will expire in 13 weeks.

 

You have a few choices here, but keep in mind she clearly does not like to be direct and forthcoming, at least not over text. Maybe a phone call is a better way to talk about it.

 

Options:

 

You can repeat yourself, push her for what she should be giving you without you asking

 

and/or

 

You can mirror her contact style, so if it takes 3 days for her to reach out to you, you respond, then take three days to reach out to her, etc. i.e., you detach without announcement too

 

and/or

 

You could text her that you've been thinking about the whole LDR for the summer thing and does it make sense, see what she says

 

(you have a few does it make sense questions for when she asks what you're talking about:

daily contact?

date other people?

take a break?

etc.)

 

and/or

 

You could cheat on her, she'll never know

 

and/or

 

You could just break up with her

 

 

Whatever it is and whatever you do, it isn't going to be like it was when you were at school together.

Edited May 25, 2017 by mightycpa

[CoolJoe]

why.are.you.still.with.her?

 

Reading all your posts gave me a headache. She's not worth it. I am no doctor but she clearly has baggage, like all of us. However, we all handle our baggage differently. She doesn't seem to handle hers very well. Who knows if bipolar or depression play a role too, but girls who flip on a switch are unstable and sure to only hurt you in the end.

 

GET OUT

[preraph]

So ask her if you can make an agreement to text a little at a certain time once a day. And tell her not to be talking to her girlfriend at the same time. If you have a time she can plan to be alone.

[AndOrchid]

You should have discussed your expectations for communication prior to your relationship becoming long distance. After only 4 months, there is no way I would commit to talking "at least once a day" and she likely feels the same given that you haven't spoken in 3 days. All you can do is try and bring it up now and hope you can reach a compromise. Good luck.