Should I initiate the definine the relationship talk? [UPDATE GF becoming distant]

March 10, 2017

So basically I've been seeing this girl for about a month now. We've already slept over at each other's dorms (we go to different colleges but only 5 minutes apart) and we've done everything other than sex (she's still a virgin). I like her a lot and I want her to know I'm not here to play around or string her along. I've never been more certain about wanting someone, but I'm having doubts about whether it is too early to bring it up.

She met my friends during the 2 1/2 week. I had a feeling it was too early and could tell by her demeanor. She later then told me that moving too quickly makes her nervous.

But we've gotten closer since that day. She tells me that she hasn't felt this comfortable with someone like me in a while or that I make her really happy. She starts to hold my hand in public and even her mom knows about me.

I just feel like it is time. And I want to tell her how I feel once break ends. Plus, if she never wanted anything serious in the first place, at least I'll know now rather than months later.

March 10, 2017

So basically I've been seeing this girl for about a month now. We've already slept over at each other's dorms (we go to different colleges but only 5 minutes apart) and we've done everything other than sex (she's still a virgin). I like her a lot and I want her to know I'm not here to play around or string her along. I've never been more certain about wanting someone, but I'm having doubts about whether it is too early to bring it up.

She met my friends during the 2 1/2 week. I had a feeling it was too early and could tell by her demeanor. She later then told me that moving too quickly makes her nervous.

But we've gotten closer since that day. She tells me that she hasn't felt this comfortable with someone like me in a while or that I make her really happy. She starts to hold my hand in public and even her mom knows about me.

I just feel like it is time. And I want to tell her how I feel once break ends. Plus, if she never wanted anything serious in the first place, at least I'll know now rather than months later.

You just answered your own question there. I was actually going to say the same thing. You are practically doing what boyfriends and girlfriends do so why hold back any longer? Communication is key so that you both know where you stand.

March 19, 2017

Basically, there's this girl that I've been seeing for about a month and a half ago and we've basically done it all (gone on dates, met each other's friends, been physically intimate). She'll hold my hand in public and she told me she's hasn't been seeing anybody. So in my head I'm like it's time to make it official.

We had the conversation and she said "Yes kinda maybe. Just give me like two days."

Weird right? Especially the two days part lol. Anyways it has been two days so I texted her this time to reinitiate the conversation. She then told me she has commitment issues and that she's broken.

We're going to talk later in person but now I'm at a crossroads. The two times I've waited, I ended up being alone. I don't want that to happen again. I know about her past and trust me it's brutal. Nothing in her life has been consistently there. But I don't want to leave her hanging. She's someone amazing and I don't want to let that go. But at the same time I don't want to spend my time and energy on someone who doesn't see the value in me. Idk, I want to wait but I'm not sure if I should.

Also between Thursday and now she's texted me things like I'm the most wonderful person she's dated and initiated plans for later this week so I'm very confused.

March 20, 2017

She said she had commitment issues, that was very clear. Move on dude.

March 20, 2017

i guess it depends on how much you like her....would it hurt to wait a month.....if you think it would....is it worth the wait? talk to her see if you can have a time frame for waiting for her reply and then see if you can live with the time frame she is comfortable with and if there might be a halfway meeting point ...a compromise you both can be comfortable with...deb....

March 20, 2017

Weird right? Especially the two days part lol. Anyways it has been two days so I texted her this time to reinitiate the conversation. She then told me she has commitment issues and that she's broken.

Leave her alone. She heard and understood what you said the first time.

She doesn't want a relationship with you and you dont' want broken, messy clutter in your life.

March 20, 2017

She's made it clear that she's not ready for anything serious otherwise she would have said yes straightaway. Perhaps there are other signs that you're ignoring because you are so attracted to her.

When people start pulling away, usually it's best to do the same.

March 21, 2017

Well this is what happened after the conversation.

Basically the conversation can be summed up like this.

1. At the moment, she can't make a definite decision right now but hopes we can be something in the near future. (Saying that it's not a no, but she wants to be completely sure)

2. We agreed to be exclusive. (Even though we already were)

3. We'll give it a few more weeks and see how things go.

I think she's worth waiting a few more weeks. Considering many people in her life haven't been consistenly there for her, I understand the hesitation. I enjoy her company and how things are currently. But if she still isn't sure later on, I'm out.

March 21, 2017

Well this is what happened after the conversation.

Basically the conversation can be summed up like this.

1. At the moment, she can't make a definite decision right now but hopes we can be something in the near future. (Saying that it's not a no, but she wants to be completely sure)
2. We agreed to be exclusive. (Even though we already were)
3. We'll give it a few more weeks and see how things go.

I think she's worth waiting a few more weeks.

And that is exactly the issue with so many people here, you already knew what you were going to do and then you decide to start a thread, people post opinions (and what to do is so painfully obvious) but yet you choose to completely ignore basic common sense.

She then told me she has commitment issues and that she's broken.

When someone tells you they are broken, believe them and run! Unless you are addicted to drama, pain and heartache

I'm very confused.

Yes this site is littered with confused people who lack basic common sense when it comes to dealing with people.

You will wait, eventually get ghosted and will start another thread about how you were blindsided. yup

March 21, 2017

To me this situation is a bit different for the others, that is why you are here to make sure you are not seeing things or maybe what could you be missing right? I personally don't think she has completely shut you down....you seem to good to be true to her and she's just a little frightened..she is just being honest in how she feels at this time. I don't think she is letting you go, she just needs to see how things progress, just to be sure. She is just not quite ready and there are people like her that take more time to decide. I'm sure already she's got some positive feedback from her friends so far. I don't think you will be waiting that much longer...My guess the true test is meeting each others parents?

I say so far so good, just roll the dice.

March 21, 2017

I don't want to spend my time and energy on someone who doesn't see the value in me. Idk, I want to wait but I'm not sure if I should.

Smack I get your optimism, I don’t know how old 117 is but let me just say there are a number of us dudes who have been navigating this “mind” field for a long time and being someone’s mental care taker gets old and nowadays way too damn common.

The “broken woman” syndrome is frankly too costly and a waste of time. The reason some dudes fall for it and into it is because as hard as finding “the one” some get too enamored with the looks and the sex and the possible potential and the current object of your desire may not come again. So ya latch on.

Women like this is someone who takes vulnerability to an uncomfortable level. She acts like someone who is ‘damaged goods’, who NEEDS taking care of and is perfectly happy with you doing so.

This type of women revels in a vision of herself as a kind of romantic martyr, and secretly hopes that a man will WANT to care for, soothe her bruised soul and help her blossom again.

Let’s repeat what was said again…

I don't want to spend my time and energy on someone who doesn't see the value in me.

NO, she won’t see your value because it will always be about her.

The question you must ask yourself is when you are not feeling 100% or are feeling “vulnerable” and that can be any number of life changing events down the road will she be there for you?

If you are a young dude then go ahead a roll the dice, you have time. An old dude like me has been thru this emotional mess way to freaking often. I want a partner, not a mental patient.

March 21, 2017

I may be cynical, but I stopped buying the "I'm confused but do stick around" thing when I was still pretty young and fairly new to dating. It just rang hollow and felt like I was a backup.

OP, I can feel your feelings for this girl in your writing and it hurts to read that she's not giving you what you want. But I feel like she's warming you up for a future of push-pull with her having you around when she needs company and bolstering, then wandering off when someone cute crosses her path.

Just my take on it. I would distance myself just a little, personally. And I would NOT agree to exclusivity under these circumstances. Exclusivity doesn't figure into the rest of what she said. That should come after you both are comfortably sure of a future together.

Really, I'd nicely find a way to tell her I agree to all of it except the exclusivity since neither of you is really sure yet and then the ball will be in her court. Is she in or is she out? At least you'll know and you won't be pining for her, waiting. You counted down those two days...this is negatively affecting you.

March 21, 2017

I'll say this.

I'm getting all the benefits of a relationship so there's really no part of me that wants to break things off completely. I only asked because it seemed like she wanted more at the time being. I'd be foolish to just walk now and not give it a chance. It's not a horrid compromise either. I get love and attention from someone I like, whom I know isn't giving that same attention to someone else. But I know I'll be ready to walk within a month if nothing changes. That'll be 3 months since I've gotten to know her and if she isn't ready at that point in time, she'll never be. And it's not necessarily a waste of time either. It's more or so experience, and an experience I don't regret having.

March 21, 2017

I'll say this.

I'm getting all the benefits of a relationship so there's really no part of me that wants to break things off completely. I only asked because it seemed like she wanted more at the time being. I'd be foolish to just walk now and not give it a chance. It's not a horrid compromise either. I get love and attention from someone I like, whom I know isn't giving that same attention to someone else. But I know I'll be ready to walk within a month if nothing changes. That'll be 3 months since I've gotten to know her and if she isn't ready at that point in time, she'll never be. And it's not necessarily a waste of time either. It's more or so experience, and an experience I don't regret having.

Well then if you're happy with the way things are now, and you have no complaints and don't have expectations, there's probably no reason to break things off.

Not to get personal, but you're using protection, right? I mean...this all seems so loose and uncertain...do wear something. You don't actually know what's been happening before this "exclusivity" agreement nor when she'll start to feel, um, confused again...just sayin'.

March 21, 2017

We actually haven't had sex yet. She's a virgin, which is completely fine. She has implied that one day we will have sex in the near future, which is also good and comforting. I do plan on using protection, since both of our biggest fears is having children at a young age.

[]

Also I'm 20, so giving up a few months of my dating life at this age isn't disastrous in any way. If i were 40, I'd leave in a heartbeat, but I'm fine with being patient right now.

Edited March 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~6

March 21, 2017

[]

Now that I know she is a virgin, I'm going to change my statement to....you are wasting your time. People like her will say they will, but back off and won't because they have this idea in their head that a prince should be riding in on a white stallion with a the missing shoe.

Edited March 21, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
topical content ~6

March 29, 2017

Update:

I took her virginity

March 29, 2017

Op, can I ask approximately how many dates/meets you had in that month before you initiated "the talk"?

March 31, 2017

Roughly 7-8 times

April 12, 2017

Now when I mean fighting, I don't mean us calling each other names, swearing or raising our voices but rather having small fits that end up creating an awkward environment.

I've only started dating her for less than one month but sometimes our conversations go from really good to really bad. For example, last night we were talking about airports. I asked whether she had an airport near by. She answered and then asked why. So I told her, "summer is coming soon and I'd just like to know if flying would be the best option to see you." She then argued that I was looking too far into the future when really I was just asking for the sole reason of just knowing. It's not like I was going to buy the tickets the day of.

We had another conversation where I said how do you feel about long distance (since that'll become our relationship in a few short weeks). She then started to make the point that there's a reason why im even asking and that im foreseeing problems in the future. And honestly, that's far from the case. I just wanted to know how she felt.

I try to be clear with my words but it seems like she takes what I'm saying and interprets it a negative way. I sometimes hold back from saying stuff(even in casual conversation) because I fear that a problem will arise.

I'm trying to make this work, but shouldn't this be the period where everything feels perfect? She told me this morning that she was just tired but hasn't texted me ever since.

On a side note, she gets annoyed when I tell her cliches like "everything is going to be alright" when something bsd happens to her. Do other people feel this way? I just found it slightly off putting because I'm mainly just trying to help her.

April 12, 2017

Yes, this is the time when everything should be feeling perfect.

It sounds like you two must have incompatible communication styles.

My now husband was going to be long distance soon after we started dating. We talked about the future and how to make that work with delight.

She seems quite negative and perhaps not that into you.

April 12, 2017

Her last relationship only lasted a month and this is my first. We're both pretty new to this. She has gone through a lot in the past. Trust me. No one in her life has ever been consistently there for her but I want to be the one to change that but only if she'll let me.

April 12, 2017

Have you ever met this girl?

I would say that if the two of you can't figure out how to even get to the point of long distance without fighting, then you will not survive a long distance relationship.

April 12, 2017

when you guys are both calm gently talk to her about her taking things the wrong way and to not get upset but discuss her feelings...its probably better she does clarify with you what you mean but getting upset doesnt help clarification.....

you have to be neutral and then when you find out exactly what was meant then you can kill the person...kidding.....

how i lighten heated o rgetting heated discussions to change the tension i feel ....is ill say something cheesy or funny to lighten the atmosphere and then continue after a laugh is shared.....or ill turn the tension to me.....ill take it on by saying im not saying it right sorry i am getting it all messed up.....I can see i am upsetting you its not my intention to do that lets try again......or do you want to talk about this a bit later lets go get ice cream or leave it for now......mostly they say no lets do this thanks for understanding........and for some reason the mood is lighter.....its like an understanding that overrides the tension that develops to try to work things out together......because you are showing caring towards the other.....

my son is mentally impaired an his social skills are the most impaired....he has no idea of cues....and if something is said he immediately takes is as a negative an attack.....and our conversations can get heated to boiling point over one sentence...the way i can bring it back to warm is i make him laugh......ill smile warmly call him a goof ......tell him dont be like that ...goofy......and pull funny faces.....and he laughs...laughter is the biggest distiller of tension...its a bit of an art form with him...i have different stupid voices i use to make him laugh...and when he laughs ...anger or distrust...immediately gone....... I am the one who feels and controls the air around our discussions...i am the mediator..........clear the tension behind your discussion and you will be able to go on with your talk....dont clear it...you have an argument in the making.....

if you feel you cant clear it ...suggest to her that you come back to it later .....and do something together you love to do ..because .....its what i have to do at times when i havent the patience needed when im not myself........and that is what it is about patience with love enough to dispel that tension....before discussing issues of importance ....no issue is as important as ....the understanding and resolution stage .....needs to be done in the right frame of mind for both........my ideas might seem .....sad to some...but they do work......thats why i have shared them......i wish you well (said in a goofy voice). smilin........deb

April 12, 2017

Yeah I've met her. Like I know these conversations aren't meant to result in an argument. It's so I can understand her better. I'll tell her that next time, hopefully it'll help. Like when things are great, they're amazing. At this point, I can only keep trying.

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Should I initiate the definine the relationship talk? [UPDATE GF becoming distant]

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