Flaking out on dates

[Popsicle]

I've been reading a lot on here about people who flake on a date. I'm talking about a "no show" or cancelling the date just hours before. This question is directed to those of you who have done this before. What was your reason for flaking?

 

I have never flaked before but I imagine if I ever did, it would be because I later decided that I wasn't really that interested. And I'd probably never speak to the guy again either, but I realize that some people are not like this. They want to keep talking to someone after they have flaked on them.

 

I have just got back on the dating site a couple of days ago and you guys have me super paranoid about this now. I'm not sure I'll last long if I experience even one instance of this.

[Shanex]

No, never flaked on a date, and was only flaked on once, not so long ago, last year.

 

Usually I'll make sure we have talked a bit before, texts and calls to make sure she's interested and will show up to the date. Not talking about being ghosted on without having been on dates because that has happened to me and everyone hundred times.

 

The chick who flaked on me was a player - woman version: BS excuse that she was with her ''brother to do something'', would refuse to send me a pic, would talk endlessly and mindlessly for hours on end only to never meet. In her case I quickly understand she enjoyed the attention but I didn't want to make a fool of myself much longer and cut her loose without looking back, the least she deserved.

[Kitchen]

Flaked on twice recently - both cases because they are not interested.

 

I've never flaked. Even if I think I'm losing interest I follow through out of respect. Not everyone is respectful unfortunately.

[joseb]

Flaked once - I later decided that I wasn't really that interested

 

Also I struggle with multi dating even though most people seem fine with it, so at the time it just felt wrong as I was dating someone else (casually)

[Erik30]

I also flaked once. There was this girl I was talking to for a while but it was really difficult setting up a date with her. She was always too busy or had some other excuse. She actually also cancelled once on me before.

 

When I finally said we should probably forget about it, she suggested meeting up the next day. I accepted but almost immediately regretted it, since it was such short notice, and because I could sense she probably wasn't that interested. I did text her early in the morning to let her know, so at least it wasn't last minute.

 

If you're worried about being flaked on, there are often some signs. (Not always) Like for instance, after setting up the date, they mention they've not been feeling well all week, or talk about some event they have to go to before or after the date. Basically things that could give them a possible excuse to cancel.

 

If something like that comes up in a conversation, I try to reschedule

Edited March 21, 2017 by Erik30

[act00]

I've been flaked on and stood up. It happens. It's disappointing. You may take it at face value, "something came up," and try one more time, or not. Up to you.

 

I've had this where they flake and never write again. Fine. I've had a few that either never seem to want to actually meet, but they continue to text. They may drop out completely and then write back. Okay. I've had them flake and write after, and in that case I feel like maybe they were genuine and I'll try again. That's what people do, "So sorry, can we try again?" They may be serious about this, they may have other women who take priority. It's dating. You won't know until you get to meet them where it will go. I've been fully stood up. The last one about a week ago, where we decided to meet that night, only he never showed up, never wrote again. Oh well. I picked a place close to home, so I wasn't out very much time and energy.

 

I have had a couple pull the flake while I'm on my way to said meeting. With a couple of them, I kind of felt like something wasn't right, so I planned some errands to deal with since I would be in that area, so that worked out, though disappointing.

 

I've had a few men who didn't think I was serious and rush to get ready to meet because they didn't think I was serious, as I text I'm leaving the house now now. They've had this happen multiple times, I guess, as well.

 

I have never flaked, but I have been late, which I apologize for, mismanaging the drive time/parking issues.

 

You kind of have to develop a thick skin and just enjoy it. You'll run into a few frogs. Some will be great, but ultimately not for you, etc., and vice versa. Just try to enjoy the good parts.

[coolheadal]

I've been reading a lot on here about people who flake on a date. I'm talking about a "no show" or cancelling the date just hours before. This question is directed to those of you who have done this before. What was your reason for flaking?

 

I have never flaked before but I imagine if I ever did, it would be because I later decided that I wasn't really that interested. And I'd probably never speak to the guy again either, but I realize that some people are not like this. They want to keep talking to someone after they have flaked on them.

 

I have just got back on the dating site a couple of days ago and you guys have me super paranoid about this now. I'm not sure I'll last long if I experience even one instance of this.

 

I keep myself honest and I only did this once, met someone online she didn't look like what she had mentioned. She was homeless and lived out of her car. I wasn't ready for that sort of life with her. I did show-up and then drove right past her park car filled with all her things. Her story was she was going to be with a guy in Europe but wanted to past the time with me while she was still here in the states. That's was my first encounter with such a woman. She wasn't all together mentally and emotionally. We men have to make choices but I am not into her sorts. Not fair on me nor her to continue something that would never worked out in the first place. Today I do not get involved with someone that I am not attracted too. To avoid this to ever happen to me again. That woman still reaches out to me. I had to block her because she was starting to stalk me.. That's something I really didn't want to get involved with either. NC=no contact.

[Kamille]

Flaker here.

 

I'm not that motivated to date. It has nothing to do with the person I flake on. I don't invest emotionally in a person until I meet them. My friends get excited about meeting their dates. I'm never looking forward to it. First meets always feel like drudgery to me.

 

And then there are some evenings when the last thing I want to do is go chat with a stranger. I generally never know until the day of.

 

But take heart people: The good news is I have stopped on-line dating. When I go back, I will schedule dates more sparingly.

[act00]

Flaker here.

 

I'm not that motivated to date. It has nothing to do with the person I flake on. I don't invest emotionally in a person until I meet them. My friends get excited about meeting their dates. I'm never looking forward to it. First meets always feel like drudgery to me.

 

And then there are some evenings when the last thing I want to do is go chat with a stranger. I generally never know until the day of.

 

But take heart people: The good news is I have stopped on-line dating. When I go back, I will schedule dates more sparingly.

 

You don't invest emotionally in someone until you meet them, but you flake on them and don't meet them? How does that work?? I can understand the drudgery of a first date, but that's pretty much a criteria you can't get out of...so if you never meet them, and meeting is your criteria before you invest in them, you seem to be shooting yourself in the foot by bailing. I guess it's good you're taking a break from OLD.

 

On that, I've had a few online encounters that I'm a bit "meh" about, but you don't know until you meet them.

[Kamille]

You don't invest emotionally in someone until you meet them, but you flake on them and don't meet them? How does that work?? I can understand the drudgery of a first date, but that's pretty much a criteria you can't get out of...so if you never meet them, and meeting is your criteria before you invest in them, you seem to be shooting yourself in the foot by bailing. I guess it's good you're taking a break from OLD.

 

On that, I've had a few online encounters that I'm a bit "meh" about, but you don't know until you meet them.

 

It takes me a long time to build attachment to someone. 90% of the times, I'm not interested once I meet them. Well actually, make that 100% of the times, as even when I meet someone where I think "maybe", I usually stop seeing them after 3-4 dates because I've figured out I'm not interested.

 

Sure, I might have missed out on some great connections, but I'm just not that motivated to find someone and settle down.

[KBob]

If you're worried about being flaked on, there are often some signs. (Not always) Like for instance, after setting up the date, they mention they've not been feeling well all week, or talk about some event they have to go to before or after the date. Basically things that could give them a possible excuse to cancel.

 

If something like that comes up in a conversation, I try to reschedule

 

I agree, there are usually signs. I got flaked out on last night. Set up a date over Tinder the evening before, gave her my number and told her to text me then we can set up a plan where to meet. Didn't hear anything that night, next day she messaged me late afternoon via Tinder to cancel. There's the sure sign that her excuse was BS: she didn't want to text me and give me her phone number. Flake central.

 

I flaked on a girl once, after she had bailed on me twice. After that I didn't have any notion that I needed to respect her time, either, so I texted her early afternoon and told her I was too hung over to see her. It was kind of true...

[kendahke]

I've don't flake on anyone, but I keep getting flaked on/stood up by men. Happened 2 weeks ago--I wrote about it on SevenCity's thread.

 

Even if I decided that my interest level was low, I will still show up because I respect people's time and wish to have my time respected.

[Larryville]

I’m never going to flake out on a date because if I do decide to meet them I would have put in the introductory homework and would be ready to meet them. I don’t want my time wasted.

 

The reason why people flake is that either they are not “mentally” ready to meet someone, or they are the type of people who just don’t give a damn about or generally disrespectful of people in general.

 

If you were never taught or grew up learning how to treat human beings with respect blowing off or flaking on someone is nothing more than a silent fart on a crowded elevator…

 

Not washing your hands after a visit to a restroom…

 

Being rude to a server in a restaurant…

 

Not saying please or thank you…

 

Talking on your phone in a restaurant or public place where nobody gives a $#it about your conversation.

 

It is all the same “type” of behavior.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I'm a woman and I know you asked for men's input, but as for me...I've never literally just not showed up for a date. That's totally shocking, IMO. I just can't even imagine doing it. I read about it and I answer calmly (when it's a question on a forum) but holy cow. That's the cruelest thing. The person got dressed up, did his/her hair, smelled nice, anticipated, drove, spent gas or train money or whatever, and...the person just doesn't show? Hell no.

 

Now. Several times I ducked out ahead of a date, yes. Not the day of, I don't think, but possibly the day before once or twice? That was only when I started to get a REALLY bad feeling about the person. Really bad, as in, I was afraid to get in the car with him (generally I have always been picked up for dates, for whatever reason, except with my LDR). I gritted my teeth and called and braced myself for possible verbal abuse, which happened once or twice, because this was before texting. But even with a deep fear of the person I still felt it would have been wrong just not to show up. He deserved to be told before he made preparations.

 

I remember there was this one guy who asked me, "Before we start our date I just want a promise from you. If 'something' were to happen when we were together, you wouldn't scream rape and call the police, right?" Yeah, that was a 'no.'

 

I can just see a guy coming onto LS to say "I had a date set up with this B named CaliforniaGirl, out of nowhere she FLAKES by telling me ONE day before she's not going out with me" and the march of hundreds of posters shaking their fists and responding that this is the problem with women these days, they're flaky, entitled, have no morals or sense of responsibility and think they're all that...

[Imajerk17]

Well, to be honest, very often going on a first date from OLD is about as appealing to me as going to the dentist. I mean, most of the time, you are meeting up w a stranger that you will never see again. (As far as screening: Good chemistry over phone and text doesn't translate into good chemistry in person. Some of the best first dates I have been on, we hardly chatted at all before we met up.)

 

BUT, I'd never flake out on someone. I do my best to keep my word, and I get that this other person set aside time for me. Also, FOMO. The person I meet up with may become my next long relationship or even the love of my life.

Edited March 21, 2017 by Imajerk17

[CaliforniaGirl]

I've been reading a lot on here about people who flake on a date. I'm talking about a "no show" or cancelling the date just hours before. This question is directed to those of you who have done this before. What was your reason for flaking?

 

I have never flaked before but I imagine if I ever did, it would be because I later decided that I wasn't really that interested. And I'd probably never speak to the guy again either, but I realize that some people are not like this. They want to keep talking to someone after they have flaked on them.

 

I have just got back on the dating site a couple of days ago and you guys have me super paranoid about this now. I'm not sure I'll last long if I experience even one instance of this.

 

If I may...and I do not wish to insult anyone on this board by saying this...

 

...but I feel like WAY more often than not, it's very young people who do this. Just an observation.

 

That's not to say it's impossible for a mature adult to do it...it's just that overall, I think flakiness, or non-commitment in general is and always has been a thing more prevalent the younger one is, and for good reason: young people just haven't matured yet, they're not SUPPOSED to be entirely mature yet. They're learning and feeling things out.

 

So if you're dating above the age of maybe mid-20s or so, I'd bet you have less reason to feel paranoid, as you said.

 

Again, lest anyone object and jump in with anecdotes, I'm not saying there is any guarantee, nor that no mature (age-wise) people ever flake. I'm just saying, relying on what looks like an epidemic of bad behavior, on a forum where people do come to complain about negative issues (way way more of such posts than random "hey, I'm so happy in my relationship...just felt like telling strangers that" posts), may not be accurate. Don't worry about any of that yet. If it happens, it happens and that will be a bummer, but there's no reason to expect it to happen frequently or perhaps at all...IMO.

[CaliforniaGirl]

I keep myself honest and I only did this once, met someone online she didn't look like what she had mentioned. She was homeless and lived out of her car. I wasn't ready for that sort of life with her. I did show-up and then drove right past her park car filled with all her things. Her story was she was going to be with a guy in Europe but wanted to past the time with me while she was still here in the states. That's was my first encounter with such a woman. She wasn't all together mentally and emotionally. We men have to make choices but I am not into her sorts. Not fair on me nor her to continue something that would never worked out in the first place. Today I do not get involved with someone that I am not attracted too. To avoid this to ever happen to me again. That woman still reaches out to me. I had to block her because she was starting to stalk me.. That's something I really didn't want to get involved with either. NC=no contact.

 

I honestly don't blame you for this. I mean that is an extreme circumstance. In that case anything could happen. The person can't be tracked down. She has no address...you may not know her real name...she could literally just disappear...I'd be VERY nervous of such a situation. Fair or unfair to the homeless, I would.

[Shining One]

If I may...and I do not wish to insult anyone on this board by saying this...

 

...but I feel like WAY more often than not, it's very young people who do this. Just an observation.

Your observation matches my experience. I've only had one woman over the age of 35 flake on me. I've had well over a dozen in their 20's flake.

[Tressugar]

Think of it as them weeding themselves out. Which cuts down on the guess work for you.

[act00]

<snip>

If you're worried about being flaked on, there are often some signs. (Not always) Like for instance, after setting up the date, they mention they've not been feeling well all week, or talk about some event they have to go to before or after the date. Basically things that could give them a possible excuse to cancel.

 

If something like that comes up in a conversation, I try to reschedule

 

This is true. I recall a guy who had to take his kid to the pediatrician, not feeling well. He talked about his sore back, then boasted that he can lift X pounds and he'd been doing this at work. I seriously expected him to cancel over back injury or sick child. None of these were his excuses, however, but instead he had a last minute job he had to deal with. The signs were there, he just didn't use the excuse I expected.

[palmsand]

Might have been flaked on once, not sure if it counts because I was highly skeptical she would show up in the first place.

 

All she wanted was attention online, never intended to actually meet someone. Ones like that are easy to spot.

 

 

I've never flaked, never will. If I don't want to meet someone, I don't set up a date, that simple. I'm shocked at how many people lack basic human decency.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It takes me a long time to build attachment to someone. 90% of the times, I'm not interested once I meet them. Well actually, make that 100% of the times, as even when I meet someone where I think "maybe", I usually stop seeing them after 3-4 dates because I've figured out I'm not interested.

 

Sure, I might have missed out on some great connections, but I'm just not that motivated to find someone and settle down.

 

I feel pretty much the same. I dread of the effort and drudgery of going on first OLD. I am never attracted to them but then have to make small talk for an hour or so before I can get out.

 

The older I am, the longer it takes me to get attached to someone. I would much rather get to know someone naturally and slowly build up the conncetion. OLD is so forced, contrived and utterly chemistry-less

 

I usually push myself into browsing profiles and setting up dates because I feel like I should "try". But then on the day, I am tired and just CBF so I flake.

 

Took myself off all the sites now.

[Kamille]

I find it strange that for all the reports of people here who have been flaked on, very few do it themselves. It's probably a selection issue, where people who do cancel dates are not likely to comment.

 

So far, I'm the only person who admitted to cancelling/rescheduling dates every once in awhile. First let me apologize. By some of the harsh judgements you have about people who cancel, I can see the practice is upsetting. I'll definitely try to avoid doing it in the future.

 

It could be that most flakers are immature, disrespectful attention-seekers. None of these adjectives describe me well. My guess would be that some people who cancel have other priorities in their lives, are introverted, struggle with the intensity of OLD. I guess in a small way, I'm asking that flakers be forgiven and promptly forgotten.

[Shining One]

It's probably a selection issue, where people who do cancel dates are not likely to comment.

I think there's a difference between flaking and "legitimate" cancellations/reschedules. I have cancelled dates on relatively short notice due to work reasons (I was an on-call IT Systems Engineer). I've never cancelled or not shown up to a date because "I didn't feel like it".

[LookAtThisPOst]

I feel pretty much the same. I dread of the effort and drudgery of going on first OLD. I am never attracted to them but then have to make small talk for an hour or so before I can get out.

 

The older I am, the longer it takes me to get attached to someone. I would much rather get to know someone naturally and slowly build up the conncetion. OLD is so forced, contrived and utterly chemistry-less

 

I usually push myself into browsing profiles and setting up dates because I feel like I should "try". But then on the day, I am tired and just CBF so I flake.

 

Took myself off all the sites now.

 

Eternal, I admire your honesty, but at least you've reached a point where you won't continuously flake on people. It's your self-awareness that won points there.

 

I think that's what happens, people flake, esp. women (Not picking on the women here) because of the whole stranger danger thing.

 

I recall going out with a woman I met on OKC, but the only reason she went out with me was because she we both know the same mutual friend AND we had met in person briefly at a B-day party a couple years ago.

 

She told me otherwise, that she probably would not have met with a total stranger and was quite not too crazy about the idea of online dating to begin with when she had created her profile. So I am thinking a LOT of women may think this. It's like testing the water with your big toe for how cold it is. lol

 

She told me she went out with one other guy on the site, but he too, was someone she had been acquainted with. After that, she left the site...didn't stick around long.

 

When you have people reluctant to begin with, you're already going to start to expect some level of flakiness.