Chaderson Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 Hello, So I'm in a wonderful relationship of 8 months. We're currently long-distance and see each other ~1x per month for a week or so. We've moved quickly in many ways, perhaps emotionally being the quickest of all. Both of us have shared sad, embarrassing and traumatic parts of each other's past. We've also both expressed that we see each other as the future and have began discussing what that future might look like. However, I found out something deeply disturbing and embarrassing recently, something that really shouldn't be too much of a surprise in retrospect. I used to webcam recreationally, mostly for the rush and the validation provided by those watching. I always felt guilty about it and quit entirely a few years back. About 3 weeks ago, I was cleaning out an old email and found the username associated with one of my forgotten accounts. A Google search revealed that copies of my webcam appearances were online. Most hid my head, but one shows a partial face shot. I'm personally mortified by this and am deeply embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I don't know how to tell this to my girlfriend, but I feel like I must in order to remain transparent and avoid secrets. I already feel guilty for not sharing, but I want to approach the situation correctly. A few notes: - It's super unlikely any of these photos will surface. They're not connected to my name and all but one does not include my face. - I recently revealed that I was unfaithful in a past relationship (stupid drunk college choice) and she did not take that well. - I revealed this over the phone and I think it would be a mistake not to do so in person. The issue is the next time we'll see each other both of our siblings will also be there. - I sometimes struggle to bring this things up in the right way and can seem "cold and unemotional". I am in fact emotional, but it doesn't come across this way in these sorts of situations. How would you approach this situation? I'm afraid that I'll lose her if I bring it up, but living with this secret forever is also unthinkable. Thank you for your time.
coolheadal Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 What did you do on these webcams? You really don't have to describe in details is naughty or nice? Sounds bad. It's up to you to share that with her. We all have done things and didn't realize when you do on the internet doesn't go away it's still connected to you someway or somehow. You can tell her when you and her are more involved in person never just blur it out while talking on the phone or text. But don't keep it from her when you can tell her in person.
Author Chaderson Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 (edited) The images are definitely R rated. Edited March 21, 2017 by Chaderson
Abhainn Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 It really sounds like this relationship is important to you, and that she is! It really sounds like you're feeling torn between feeling like she is really important for you, but also feeling like honesty in a relationship is something that is also vitally important to you. When you say that she reacted negatively to you sharing your former infidelity, I'm wondering if you're feeling scared that she will leave you if you tell her? The question for you seems to be which would be worse, to live what you feel like would be a lie by not telling her? Or to risk being vulnerable and real by telling her and having the worst case scenario happen, that she leaves you?
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 How bad are these pictures? I don't get how you were involved...you were the webcam person? Or you were speaking to women on their webcams? If so, and that got sexy, how did it become public? If you're hinting that you were a webcam hooker, then yes, that's serious and yes, you need to tell her. I don't know if that's what you're getting at, though. I can't tell...I'm probably not "in the loop" enough to figure this out. But if that's the case, yes, you need to tell her. Otherwise, if you were just chatting with girls and they released the videos for some reason (?), then I can't see why that's so damning. People do get horny, people do talk. It happens. Also, the amount of different girls could be the clincher for me, personally. Was it two girls? Or was it 30? If the latter I'd be running. I have to be honest about that. Yes, even if it was in the past. It's hard to advise you since I don't really know exactly what happened here. Only you know how "bad" all this was and if it was really serious, then you know you need to tell her.
Author Chaderson Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 Thanks for the replies Abhainn and CaliforniaGirl. Yes, she is extremely important to me and I am indeed afraid that she will leave if I tell her. CaliforniaGirl, I used to do webcam shows on webcam sites for a general audience. I was not paid and I showed only the chest down (with one exception it seems). I know I need to tell her, but I do not know how. I'm also worried that there's a high probability of her leaving. The fortunate thing is that there is basically no way to link these photos to my actual identity and that they are buried in the annals of the internet. I feel like this is something I should certainly reveal in person. The challenge is that the next time we'll meet in person it will be with our siblings. And the next meeting won't be for another 6 weeks. I feel like that's too long to hold off.
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 Okay. I see. So don't panic... (deep breath) All right. Was this a long time ago? Like, years ago? If so, she might be more understanding. Very young people (sorry to all you very young people out there) do really stupid stuff. They do. Was it for pay? What was your motive in doing it? I mean did you feel like you "needed" to do it? Was it a tough time in your life?
Author Chaderson Posted March 21, 2017 Author Posted March 21, 2017 The most recent one was exactly one year ago. We've been dating for 7-8 months. So a while back, but not terribly so. I was 25 the time, so old enough to not make stupid decisions. I'm still working through the true motive (will be speaking with a therapist), but I believe I was motivated by the gratification/eroticism of people watching me. It's messed up, I know. I wasn't being paid, in fact I refused to accept money from anyone who tried. I focused the camera on the chest down to protect my anonymity. However, I must have once slipped up as I discovered part of my face online. I'm trying to decide how to tell her. I could first tell her that I've done this camming in my past and later reveal that I found images of myself online. However, that's lying by omission. I think I just need to be upfront about everything. If it was someone I didn't see such a clear future with, I would probably just bury this. Is it lying to not tell her until we see each other in person? This is a less than ideal topic for the phone...
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 I think it's kind of cruel to let even more time go by, for her to develop even more feelings for you, so she is crushed even more when you give the revelation. And it's out of selfishness. Just being straight with you here. YOU don't WANT her to go, you want her. So you're keeping this from her. This is something you need to own. If it's an issue you're working on and don't wish to repeat that could help. Do let her know that. But yes, you have to tell her. If you don't tell her and/or if you wait and allow her to get even more attached without the benefit of considering this info, then you don't care about her...you just care about you.
Poutrew Posted March 21, 2017 Posted March 21, 2017 Run a picture of your face through google facial recognition, and see if it can pull up anything on you. If it doesn't, then I'd not bother telling her anything.
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