How do you deal with a depressed girlfriend?

[tart6245]

I have been dating a girl for 6 months now. When we first met, as with most relationships, we were always having fun and happy. She was active, independent and I loved this relationship because we had our own lives and I wasn't smothered or felt tired because she wasn't needy.

 

 

Recently though, in the last month or so, my girlfriend has sort of lost contact with her friends and has become extremely needy. I see her 4-5 times a week, but she recently told me that wasn't enough. I'm beginning to have to come by her place every night and even get off work early because she's "sad" and needs me to come sit with her while she either just lays there or cries, and she tells me she doesn't know why she's sad.

 

 

I encouraged her to get therapy, and she went twice and said she felt stupid and it wasn't helping. I do care about her, but the relationship is becoming exhausting.

 

 

I'm very busy at work and also trying to move to a new condo, which I have no time to do because I'm spending all my time with her when I'm not working.

 

 

What advice do you all have as to handle this? I don't want to come off as cold, but I am worrying I'm burning out of all of this.

[smackie9]

If you become more attentive to her all you are doing is enabling her behavior. Sounds like she is suffering from depression, and is becoming codependent. She needs some tough love. You need to be firm with her and send her back to the therapist or suggest finding a new one. Treatment can be a lifetime, and it won't work over night, it takes time...she has to realize this. And tell her how this is affecting YOU....don't hold back, or coddle her....she needs to know.

 

Note*Her problems are not yours, they are hers and her family's responsibility. If she won't take accountability, it might be time to say bye-bye.

[tart6245]

If you become more attentive to her all you are doing is enabling her behavior. Sounds like she is suffering from depression, and is becoming codependent. She needs some tough love. You need to be firm with her and send her back to the therapist or suggest finding a new one. Treatment can be a lifetime, and it won't work over night, it takes time...she has to realize this. And tell her how this is affecting YOU....don't hold back, or coddle her....she needs to know.

 

Note*Her problems are not yours, they are hers and her family's responsibility. If she won't take accountability, it might be time to say bye-bye.

 

This is what I am worrying about. She's becoming codependent and needs to see and be around me all the time, and when I don't see her, she likes to accuse me of not wanting to be with her/see her.

[tart6245]

I don't know what to do. She picked a huge fight with me last week and accused me of still wanting my ex, who I haven't spoken to in a year. Then she hit me and ran after me when I left. She went home and now has returned after seeing her friends and told me I don't do "boyfriend" things for her like planning things and giving her lots of gifts.

 

I don't even know what she means by that given her entire life here revolves around my friends and my life. I've taken her to Boston and planned a trip to California with her in May,I take her out to dinner all the time, spend nights with her, take her to things. Yet she said I haven't done anything for her in the 7 months we've been together according to her friends who are all single and have never had serious relationships.

 

Do I just cut her off and move on? I don't like that I now have to "prove" myself to her.

[Jiveballer]

I lived this nightmare for 17 years, bro. GTFO RIGHT NOW! She is clearly demonstrating borderline and hystrionic personality disorder symptoms and the worst is yet to come. If only I had known when I was at the stage of your relationship...

[tart6245]

I lived this nightmare for 17 years, bro. GTFO RIGHT NOW! She is clearly demonstrating borderline and hystrionic personality disorder symptoms and the worst is yet to come. If only I had known when I was at the stage of your relationship...

 

I'm thinking so. What does she even mean by boyfriend things? I asked her to elaborate but she would not. Said I treated her more like a friend than a girlfriend, but last I checked I didn't sleep with, take my friends out to dinner or anything like that. I'm considering just cutting her off instead of trying to fix things because I don't think she will care if I do something g for her.

[Crosswords]

Yes. Sounds like a tough situation. I've been in this kind of relationship. Not to the same extent, but roughly.

You need to be firm and tell her how this is effecting you. And show that you have done many things to help her. If she rejects everything this relationship is not serving you to become your best self.

 

You care about her very much. But she isn't giving you that same care that you desire. Is that what you want?

 

She isn't communicating with you properly and you're being patient. Giving up a lot of your time.

 

You don't know exactly what spurred any of this? That's very intense to go from having it all together, to unwinding almost overnight..

[Jiveballer]

When you cut her off she will freak out - probably threaten to hurt herself. At a minimum, she will try to bait you into giving her attention with nastygrams about how you are so selfish and used her and never gave a schitt about her. Don't fall for that trap or you'll be stuck with her. Go no-contact!

[tart6245]

She said she kept waiting but I never did anything for her or to help her. That all the plans I made weren't really for her but for myself.

 

Last week after she caused a scene she was willing to work to fix things. Then she went to her hometown and saw her friends who told her I didn't do enough for her. Now she's basically saying if I don't do more for her she'll just leave me. But won't tell me exactly what I don't do except I'm not "thoughtful" and don't care about her.

[tart6245]

When you cut her off she will freak out - probably threaten to hurt herself. At a minimum, she will try to bait you into giving her attention with nastygrams about how you are so selfish and used her and never gave a schitt about her. Don't fall for that trap or you'll be stuck with her. Go no-contact!

 

 

She's already threatened suicide after our fight last week. Called me 35x after I left her alone downtown when she hit me and chased after me down the street. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself. Etc.

[Jiveballer]

Save yourself!

[Jiveballer]

She cannot be helped even by a professional!

[tart6245]

She cannot be helped even by a professional!

 

She was going to a psychiatrist when I first met her and stopped going because she said she felt better off the meds. She said she'd go back last week if I didn't leave her and now says she's perfect and I'm the one who needs to change.

[Jiveballer]

People like her are actually unable to be honest with a therapist, therefore the therapist cannot diagnose and help them. She already has you"walking on eggshells" and it doesn't get better from there.

[Jiveballer]

Look up HPD and BPD. Can't be cured or treated with drugs. Only cognitive behavioral therapy works and that's only for the extremely rare case when the disordered person admits they have the problem.

[Bejangled]

She's already threatened suicide after our fight last week. Called me 35x after I left her alone downtown when she hit me and chased after me down the street. Told me I was selfish and only cared about myself. Etc.

 

Hi tarheelian

 

I'm sorry you're going through this right now. It is obviously very confusing for you to be in this situation. When people act differently to what we might perceive as 'norm' we very often don't know how to react. We often put up with crossed boundaries and even abuse because the other person's behaviour has us so stunned and confused that we stare at the drama like a deer in headlights, unable to move.

 

This girl is clearly confusing you in such a way that even though you recognise the problems, you find yourself stuck.

 

I'm sorry to say that it's very likely that her behaviour will keep going further and further downhill with every boundary that she has been allowed to cross. While she may be ill, there is also a high chance that she is emotionally manipulating you. Unfortunately for her, it would seem that she will not improve without some serious treatment, however, you must know....and know as clearly as you possibly can.....that her issues are not your issues.

 

You absolutely do not have to put up with her behaviour. I imagine there is a part of you that doesn't want to hurt such a vulnerable and broken person, perhaps there is also a part of you that likes the 'broken wing' of this girl? Yes, no? But the bottom line is that you can't and won't fix her.

 

Might I ask you to take a little time out, where you don't respond to her for a day or two. Explain to her that you need time to think about the issues she has presented you with and that you'll be back to speak to her afterwards.

 

Then ask yourself why you are in this relationship. Is this really about her issues? Or is there something inside you that needs to be addressed - such as 'why have I entered a relationship like this?' Ask yourself if your confidence has been challenged in some way priorto meeting her.

 

I would like that you take a little time to ask if there is a needin you for some reason, to be involved in such an unhappy situation. Perhaps while you are waiting for her to seek therapy, you might also get some short term therapy to help you answer these fundamental questions.

 

I wish you success in this situation. Honestly though - I wish that you would step away from this relationship until you feel more certain of what you're getting into. Life with someone who has a mental disorder is quite challenging. To be fair to both her and you, you must learn what you will face in the future should you choose to stay. That way, there will be less confusion and more security for both of you.

[bachdude]

Bro, I've been there, in your situation. Her way of handling her extreme emotions is to blame you instead of taking responsibility for her own emotions and communicating in a healthy way.

 

 

She is not ready for a long term relationship. She won't be for a while.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

I'm not even going to read these responses. This is what I would do for a woman I totally love but she battles with depression:

 

1) TAKE HER TO A DAMN THERAPIST. Get antidepressants. MAKE SURE SHE TAKES THEM.

 

2) Move to a state/country with SUNLIGHT most of the day. It helps TREMENDOUSLY.

 

3) Be prepared to just HOLD/HUG her and whisper in her ear: everything is going to be alright at a moments notice. Repeat if necessary.

 

4) Make her laugh. Use old jokes, conversations, comedy shows, whatever. Just make her smile, even if it lasts a moment.

 

5) Have her do activities outside. Hiking, fishing, camping, even just a walk in the park.

 

6) Enjoy the co-dependence instead of thinking it as negative thing. She needs you to lead. Do it.

 

In the end, if she doesn't want to be with you, or you feel it's too much work, maybe calling it quits is the best course of action.

[Downtown]

Tar, I agree with Jiveballer that you're describing red flags for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The behaviors you mention -- i.e., irrational jealousy, suicide threats, verbal and physical abuse, neediness, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although the symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid remaining in a toxic R/S or, if you do leave, avoid running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

She picked a huge fight with me last week and accused me of still wanting my ex.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., exhibits strong and persistent traits), this irrational jealousy is to be expected. It occurs because BPDers have a great fear of abandonment. They also have a great fear of engulfment, which is triggered by periods of intimacy.

 

When we first met, as with most relationships, we were always having fun and happy.

The vast majority of BPDers -- even those having full-blown BPD -- do not exhibit strong symptoms at the beginning of the R/S. During that courtship period, a BPDer's infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has arrived to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two fears at bay.

 

When the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, both fears quickly return and you cannot avoid triggering them. The result is that a BPDer typically does not exhibit strong symptoms until you are about 4 to 6 months into the R/S.

 

Then she hit me and ran after me when I left.

Physical abuse of a partner or spouse is strongly associated with people who exhibit strong BPD traits. If your GF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of the anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

Yet she said I haven't done anything for her in the 7 months we've been together.

You are describing an example of "black-white thinking." BPDers rely heavily on it because they are too emotionally immature to handle the gray areas of interpersonal relationships. Like very young children, they will flip rapidly between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) because they cannot tolerate dealing with strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, or uncertainties in interpersonal relationships at the same time.

 

They therefore categorize everyone who is close to them as "all good" (white) or "all bad" (black). This B-W thinking will be evident, for example, in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "You haven't done anything..." and "You never..." and "You always...." It also will be evident in rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you.

 

She was going to a psychiatrist when I first met her and stopped going because she said she felt better off the meds.

As Jive stated earlier, meds cannot make a dent in BPD. The vast majority of BPDers, however, also suffer from at least one "clinical" mental disorder such as depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADHD, or PTSD. This is why, with BPDers, psychiatrists usually prescribe a med that is targeted to treat one of those co-occurring disorders -- not the BPD itself.

 

She either just lays there or cries, and she tells me she doesn't know why she's sad.

If she really is a BPDer, it would not be surprising if she also is depressed. A recent large-scale study found that 81% of female BPDers suffer from a co-occurring anxiety disorder, 80% suffer from a co-occurring mood disorder, and 36% suffer from MDD (Major Depressive Disorder).

 

I don't know what to do.

I agree with Jive that, if your GF exhibits strong and persistent BPD traits, you should walk away because she is too emotionally unstable and immature to be able to sustain a mature relationship. Even if a BPDer seeks therapy and works hard at it -- a very unlikely outcome -- several years of therapy probably would be required before you see a substantial change.

 

If you nonetheless are unwilling to leave her, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join Jive and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Tar.