robmeister1190 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I'm 26, a single guy (well, I am now anyway), and for the past two months I was seeing a girl who happens to be a single mom. From the get go I knew it would be difficult, but at the same time I felt a strong connection with her from our very first date and knew she was worth pursuing. Communication was great at the start, but it gradually broke down. Unfortunately, things didn't line up either and we mutually agreed to part ways the other night. We both liked each other, but it was just appearing to get more difficult. What it came down to really is scheduling and agreeing upon time to meet up and see each other. It's definitely hard when one side has kids and the other doesn't because the kids are and will always be the first priority, which I understand. I didn't get to meet the kids and wasn't expecting to so early on, but I felt it was good to ask her how they were at least doing on a regular basis, and I think she appreciated that. Being a single guy, is it just too hard of a mountain to climb when it comes to dating a single mom, or is there a way you can make it work? Link to post Share on other sites
zeeohsixer Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Why bother? Single mothers are drama and the bottom of the barrel as far as dating prospects. Normally they are looking for a provider and don't think that will win you any respect. In the back of their head you'll always be the guy that is raising another mans kids. Don't be an AFC Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 My husband did. I had a teenager. He was a single guy who had never had children. We had circumstances anyway that made our time together limited but either way he wasn't bothered by having to work around schedules at all. In two weeks we will be married 15 years and we have two children together. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
CloudyHead Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Why bother? Single mothers are drama and the bottom of the barrel as far as dating prospects. Normally they are looking for a provider and don't think that will win you any respect. In the back of their head you'll always be the guy that is raising another mans kids. Don't be an AFC I disagree with this opinion. I'm a single mom. I'm not looking for a provider as I can provide for myself and my kids. I'm not looking to be rescued either. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Why bother? Single mothers are drama and the bottom of the barrel as far as dating prospects. Normally they are looking for a provider and don't think that will win you any respect. In the back of their head you'll always be the guy that is raising another mans kids. Don't be an AFC Jw what led you to this gross generalization? Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I disagree with this opinion. I'm a single mom. I'm not looking for a provider as I can provide for myself and my kids. I'm not looking to be rescued either. Yup! When my husband and I married, I was the one making more money. So many people are divorced today or have never been married that the old "starving to death single mother looking for a daddy for her poor starving children" bit is becoming a thing of the past. Thank God. Women today are more educated than ever in the past (I believe more girls go to college now than boys, actually) and can actually bring in more than a few pennies for their hard work. So this whole idea is just kind of silly unless you're talking about some really repressed areas/SSI/assistance and the like. Don't get me wrong, it's TOUGH, I paid my dues (more than paid them) and so do most single parents that I know of, but "it's all drama and it's all some bad VH1 reality series when it comes to single parents" (the dads of the children are single parents too...remember?) is so...70s. Get with the program, man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I don't think the fact that she already has a child make that much a difference beside the fact that say child is of course a priority. Otherwise, no, not every single mom's are looking for financial support, unless she doesn't work or has stopped working only to raise the kid, and it's often only temporarily. Why did it faded over time with that lady? I don't know, maybe she didn't feel like it. Can't speculate, but it's not different from being ghosted on gradually in the same situation by a childless woman. I wouldn't blame this all on the fact that she's a mom. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
TheWoman Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 The thing about dating a woman with children is that until you can meet and hang out with the children as well, you are constrained in terms of when you can spend time together. The amount of time she has will depend on her circumstances, how much the father is involved, family help, age of the children. A good mother will not allow you to meet her child/ren until she is fairly certain your relationship has a future. To protect the feelings of the child. As a potential partner you must be cognisant that whatever future you have together, it will not be just the two of you. Most people my age (40s) have a marriage and children behind them. The singles (no kids no marriage) are rarer, and honestly a bit more suspicious as potential partners (whats wrong with them, why did they never do that). But in your 20s, well I suspect the opposite is true. And I think perhaps that is probably more the issue in your case. Its is a lot for a 26 year old to take on, you would need to really be sure that you love this woman and you want her for the long term, even if its going to be a bit harder and more complicated. With regards to the 'bottom of the barrel' and 'looking for a provider' comment - well LOL, very immature. As always, depends on the lady in question. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Why bother? Single mothers are drama and the bottom of the barrel as far as dating prospects. Normally they are looking for a provider and don't think that will win you any respect. In the back of their head you'll always be the guy that is raising another mans kids. Don't be an AFC LOL. That's a real winner of a comment. I'm not quite sure if it's more insulting to women, children, or men. I will say, as a man, dating a single mother has some challenges, but then again so do all women...and I imagine most men too...like Zeeoh here...I'd hate to be the one that responds to his OLD message. And dating single mothers also has advantages in that they are less likely to be out partying and drinking all the time. Generally speaking, however, I would be cautious about it if you're under the age of 30...children bring a whole new dimension and it's totally OK if you're not up to it. You don't have to be jerky about it though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 The thing about dating a woman with children is that until you can meet and hang out with the children as well, you are constrained in terms of when you can spend time together. The amount of time she has will depend on her circumstances, how much the father is involved, family help, age of the children. A good mother will not allow you to meet her child/ren until she is fairly certain your relationship has a future. To protect the feelings of the child. As a potential partner you must be cognisant that whatever future you have together, it will not be just the two of you. Most people my age (40s) have a marriage and children behind them. The singles (no kids no marriage) are rarer, and honestly a bit more suspicious as potential partners (whats wrong with them, why did they never do that). But in your 20s, well I suspect the opposite is true. And I think perhaps that is probably more the issue in your case. Its is a lot for a 26 year old to take on, you would need to really be sure that you love this woman and you want her for the long term, even if its going to be a bit harder and more complicated. With regards to the 'bottom of the barrel' and 'looking for a provider' comment - well LOL, very immature. As always, depends on the lady in question. There are no time constraints for people who don't have children? How about work, chores, family, obligations (get-togethers, weddings, a regular boy's or girl's night), etc.? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlkVelvet Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Why bother? Single mothers are drama and the bottom of the barrel as far as dating prospects. Normally they are looking for a provider and don't think that will win you any respect. In the back of their head you'll always be the guy that is raising another mans kids. Don't be an AFC This is the most disgusting and rudest comment I've ever seen on these boards. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 It's definitely hard when one side has kids and the other doesn't because the kids are and will always be the first priority, which I understand. I started dating again at the new year, and for the first time ever, I've dated men with kids. I agree that it's hard for a non-parent to date a parent, because priorities are different. It didn't take me long to figure out that I strongly prefer to date men with no kids. One guy cancelled on me early on for a kid issue. I didn't argue or raise any fuss whatsoever, but in any case, he gave me this angry lecture about how if I can't understand that his son always comes first, it will never work. I quietly backed away from the angry, defensive dad and never replied to him again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
TheTraveler Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 Why bother? Single mothers are drama and the bottom of the barrel as far as dating prospects. Normally they are looking for a provider and don't think that will win you any respect. In the back of their head you'll always be the guy that is raising another mans kids. Don't be an AFC That ether I personally do not date single moms. Why? Because I don't have to and I'm not looking for that lifestyle Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I started dating again at the new year, and for the first time ever, I've dated men with kids. I agree that it's hard for a non-parent to date a parent, because priorities are different. It didn't take me long to figure out that I strongly prefer to date men with no kids. One guy cancelled on me early on for a kid issue. I didn't argue or raise any fuss whatsoever, but in any case, he gave me this angry lecture about how if I can't understand that his son always comes first, it will never work. I quietly backed away from the angry, defensive dad and never replied to him again. As you've seen, parents can be defensive and odd and undatable just as single people can be defensive and odd and undatable (which we've seen time and again on these boards). No parent status required for that. As far as the difference in priorities, yes, that much is true, at least if the parent is a good parent. And that's a simple and straight reason for some people to elect not to date people with/without kids (whichever the preference is). Easy enough, no exaggerated MTV Real World-style dramatic visuals required. Yes, a good parent's priorities include, along with work, family and friends (as should be the case with everybody), as well as the upkeep of the home/apartment, car and so on (ditto) and personal hobbies (dittoX2), his or her children. If that's a problem then it's not necessary to date the person. There are many other people in the world. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 That ether I personally do not date single moms. Why? Because I don't have to and I'm not looking for that lifestyle That's understandable and if I should choose to, I'd rather not either. That said, that was a bit of a foot in mouth comment, even for single/childless me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I've dated single moms and while it can be constraining with regard to scheduling, I accepted that and it wasn't a problem. I will say that a single mom with younger kids and no father taking scheduled custody time would make it much more difficult. In both cases for me, the kids were teenagers and could be left alone for a few hours at a time. We had regular Wednesday and Saturday night dates, and every other weekend we had the entire weekend together. A big part of what made it work was her dedication to protecting our time. There were very few cancellations due to the kids. So I think it depends a lot on the person (the mom) and the overall circumstances. I have a daughter myself (in college) so I probably have more tolerance than some guys who've never had kids. I dated one woman who said she wouldn't date single dads with daughters –– she didn't like the competition. When you get to middle age, dating women in their 40s and 50s, it's hard to find any that don't have kids... or cats. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 ITA kids always come first to a good parent. But I disagree that good parents dont introduce a new love interest until it is clear there is a future. There are all kinds of ways to structure one's life and that is not the only healthy way. Im a single mom and I dont plan on having a "future" with anyone anytime soon. But I do want to model for my children that its good and healthy and possible to be happy and have loving relationships even if youre not married or trying to be. Of course Id never introduce them to a guy I didnt feel good about them meeting whether he was a guy I was dating or not. And to OP, I bet it wouldve gotten a lot easier once you had met the kids. Obviously some people are a lot more uptight w that than others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliforniaGirl Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 When you get to middle age, dating women in their 40s and 50s, it's hard to find any that don't have kids... or cats. How do cats restrict dating schedules? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I can't wait til I'm 50 and can't go on dates because I have to feed my 20 cats 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 And to OP, I bet it wouldve gotten a lot easier once you had met the kids. Obviously some people are a lot more uptight w that than others. And 'uptight' they should be. A responsible parent doesn't introduce their kids until there is something serious. Even then, you do your best to introduce the other person as a friend and try to limit the interactions with the children until there is serious progress. As a young person, especially men, I would imagine the prospect of dating a single mother is not always about long-term relationships. I've seen too many young, single mothers go through men like water b/c the men had no intention of ever sticking around. My advice is if you're serious about a long term relationship, BEST bet is to avoid single mothers so young. Not a bash on single mothers, rather, a check on your own motivations and readiness. Link to post Share on other sites
savvy2008 Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I'm a single mom, my son is 9, and I do find it more difficult to date but if I really like the guy then I find time. I also can't stand when people say single moms are looking for a provider. Without being rude I want to address what another person said...I am the most drama free person you could meet, I am fully independent, have a steady job making good money, have my own vehicle, own my home, and get NO financial support. No child support, government assistance, family financial support, etc. Back to the original post, yes it is harder to date a single mom. But if you really like her, it's worth it. She probably won't have as much free time as a woman without a kid. But if she really likes you too,it won't be a problem because she'll be making time for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) I'm a single parent and I've had no issues finding men (and women) to date seriously. Most have been people without kids too. Having said that there are a couple of things *I* would want to know before dating a single parent. First is what is their schedule like. I would have issues (man or woman) if they never saw their kid without a really good reason. I also wouldn't be able to deal with the other extreme they they never have free time because I like to see someone frequently or I don't build the emotional connection. For my case I have 50/50 so I have a lot of free time but am able to give someone who doesn't want a shadow some alone time to do their own thing too. It hasn't been an issue yet with the people I've been in relationships with since they can still see me 3-4 times per week. Second what is the relationship with the ex like? I couldn't deal with someone who had an ex where they were still very bitter or dragging the other to court all the time. If it's a decent, reliable, low-drama co-parenting relationship I am good. The challenge from the other side is that a lot of people who don't have kids get a lot of free time so they don't always get the demands they are marking on the single parent. For me personally, I like a alone time too and the people I date forget that the time we're not together isn't alone time for me. I also want to say something against the idea I'm looking for a provider. My XH is the one who filed alimony and child support on me. I make more than most men I meet. I don't need their money. I have a well-behaved kiddo. I am able to manage just fine on my own. Kiddo has a dad. At most I'm looking for a partner for me and a good role model for my kid. Edited March 20, 2017 by Miss Peach Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 And 'uptight' they should be. A responsible parent doesn't introduce their kids until there is something serious. Even then, you do your best to introduce the other person as a friend and try to limit the interactions with the children until there is serious progress. I have mixed feelings on this one personally and I don't know what's really the right answer. Kids have many people come and go in their lives - teachers, friends, etc. Kids shouldn't be meeting a new guy every week but I don't know if single moms necessarily need to be quite so guarded. In my case kiddo doesn't even remember me with XH. XH has family #2. Kiddo also likes it when I date. It means kiddo gets a playmate and knows I'm not lonely when they are with dad. I try to tell kiddo I'm not lonely anyway but kiddo doesn't get that yet because we're very different but I digress. The point is just meeting someone casually, many kids probably aren't going to form any great attachment if meetings are sparse and casual. If the child is old enough, I feel it's a good chance to go over dating, boundaries, good/bad men (or women), how to react to things, things to look for, etc. I know a few other single moms doing this with their kids - boys and girls. For example my BF drunk texted me on his birthday. He wanted to go visit a bar he frequents to have some drinks with the guys and took an uber. He texted a lot of crazy things to me that evening. Kiddo saw my phone a few times. It was a good time to say things like 'don't see a someone when they've had too much to drink', 'make sure to drink safely and don't drive', etc. It sparked some good conversations about expectations to have with people. I don't know is kiddo will come to me with the same conversations when they are 18 in these situations. I feel it's nice to have some of those talks now in terms they can understand. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 And 'uptight' they should be. A responsible parent doesn't introduce their kids until there is something serious. Even then, you do your best to introduce the other person as a friend and try to limit the interactions with the children until there is serious progress. I disagree. If youre a parent that wants to teach your child that only serious monogamous relationships are legit, then I suppose that would be a good way to model. Thats not what I want to teach my children. I want them to know that its a good thing to arrange their lives and their relationships to meet their needs, whatever they may be. I was married for 25 years. Im not looking to be serious or monogamous, but I am lokking to have a happy satisfying love life and I share that with my children, including at times introducing them to people Im involved with. I would never force them into some kind of relationship w a guy I was involved with and if I ever felt that they were developing some kind of friendship or closeness with one, Id probably talk to them about the liklihood that that person might not be a permanent part of my life. But they have very little interest in making friends with guys I date. They have a good relationship with their dad. And OP, I know this hasnt got a lot of bearing on your situation except that you should know that single moms arent all following the same rules. Its a case-by-case thing. Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 I don't like to date single mothers and unfortunately at my age (40s) it limits the pool significantly. As a result I've stopped. My reasons are as follows: 1) Everything has to be scheduled. You can't just randomly get ice cream without having to make sure there is coverage. 2) A lot of the women I dated with kids were bitter against their ex husband. I have been on first and later dates where all they did was bash their ex. Really don't need that negativity in my life. 3) You seldom come first. I don't want to start out being second. The best parents I know put their relationship first and the kids second. People don't understand how important the stability of their marriage is to a kids development. I'm not saying let the kids starve but a healthy relationship between two people should always come first. 4) The ex is going to be part of the equation - forever. It's so awkward to interact with your SO's ex that I've seen (never experienced it myself). 5) I'm so sick of reading on OLD how they have the most AMAZING kid. They can't all be THE most amazing. And I'm almost twice your age and I can't fathom dating a single mom when I was (though I did briefly). It's way more responsibility than you want or need. In the long run, you'll be happy this didn't last. I think it works well if the guy has kids too. I don't think you can truly understand what's involved unless you have kids of your own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts