Rock bottom

[confused_gf]

So, I had a rough childhood, you know? I could really (I mean really) write a novel here about everything that happened and how damaging it was for me but it would inevitably turn into a depressing novel, so I'll pass.

 

I left home as soon as I could and struggled hard to make it. After living on my own for about 7 years, I believed myself to be fine, if not stressed. But I figured that was normal. It took me having a nervous breakdown in 2014 and losing everything to realize I was never really ok emotionally and definitely not living a life I felt I was meant to live. Because I watched my mom break her back to live, I took that life upon myself. Now I realize you have to be wise about where you put your time and energy as a young person if you want something more for yourself.

 

Looking back, because my past was always hectic and unstable, it's hard to know when my actions went from somewhat misguided and incoherent to reckless and destructive. I had good intentions, but when push came to shove I did a lot of things I'm not proud of.

 

I guess since I never learned to deal with my emotions, I allowed myself to "check out". I was letting others control me and tell me how to feel. My happiness didn't matter, so much as maintaining the status quo. Because of this I was highly susceptible to experiencing mistreatment and manipulation from others. This was such a frequent problem throughout my twenties, that I could no longer shrug it off as bad luck. It was quickly becoming dangerous. I felt like I had some kind of sign on my forehead that read "BAD CHILDHOOD!!! LOW SELF ESTEEM!!! BELIEVES ANYTHING!!!! EASY TARGET!!!"

 

As of last year I was living out of my car and about one bad turn away from being a crazy homeless person before I had to move back home again as a last resort.

 

As of now (after a rocky start), things have improved with my mom as far as us being able to communicate. At the very least she knows that I won't tolerate abusive behavior. That being said the general atmosphere of this place is just depressing. The new neighborhood we stay in is a ghetto (yep, gunshots at night). I forgive her but in truth if she wasn't my very last lifeline, I wouldn't have much to do with her. Same goes for my Dad and my grandparents who abused my mom.

 

So at 27, while my most of my peer group are getting married, building careers, and traveling. I'm completely alone, dead broke, and reliving my adolescence with its hardships, minus the flagrant abuse. Whoopee. Growing up...

 

Money was always an issue and I was just starting to have some kind of flexibility in my life when I lost it all. I definitely sabotaged myself. I have been sitting around the house, depressed, for 9 months waiting on a disability check that probably won't ever come. Despite my work experience and education, I am probably only realistically able to take on some kind of menial job nearby. I have no idea how I'm going to find the energy and motivation to pull it off. It feels like I will never live up to my true potential.

 

On the one hand I have some insight and self awareness to handle things better moving forward, on the other hand my real life circumstances are the worst they have ever been. I guess hindsight is 2020...

 

Any advice or shared experience is welcome. Mostly I just needed to get this off my chest. Thanks in advance.

Edited March 19, 2017 by confused_gf

[hindsight2021]

Hey Confused,

 

I feel I can relate to you in my own ways. Seeing others excelling/working on career/ traveling / starting families, etc. As well as a rough childhood. Some of it was good. Things improving with my mother and father (divorced). "Growing up" through the process of remembering/re feelkng traumas, etc.

 

Why do you feel that you are only able to obtain a "menial" job despite ypur education and job history? I know the feeling.... but also know the feeling of getting past that inner block of self judgement. And also know how it feels to go back into it....

 

Don't sell yourself short. Easier said than done I know. Shoot for the moon, so to speak. When I did.... I hit the moon. Then repeated a pattern of my own which put me into a major relapse of depression.

 

What do you believe in? What are your dreams? Aim for those. If you dont have any.. then do SOMETHING and they will surface in you.

 

As for manipulation... much I could say about thay from my own perspective, and of the perspecive of many women ive dated.

 

In short, love yourself. Honor your feelings. Don't worry about if they are right or wrong too much. Easier said than done, I know.