Wanting Closure

[Gary183]

So I was dumped, unceremoniously about a week ago.

This was after a disagreement.

There are a lot of factors involved so buckle up.

 

We had been together for a year and a half.

No fighting, bickering, arguing about money or anything serious.

There was an incident at a party soon after we had gotten together that

left doubt in my mind because I felt I had been disrespected.

 

We patched up and all was well.

She convinced me a few months ago to move in and help with her kids: picking up and drop off at school and doctor appointments. I still maintained my own place and would come back once a week for mail and to water plants, etc.

 

Mitigating factors: she suffers from PTSD and her 11 year old son is ADHD.

Off meds, he is a nightmare.

The GF had some rage issues; mainly with her daughter and son, never with me.

We never had a fight.

Her mom also is very ill and came to stay for a few days during the incident that broke us up.

 

That afternoon, the ADHD kid was acting up and I was losing my patience.

For about a month, our intimacy level had dropped off dramatically.

Instead of communicating about it, I held it in and self directed my anger.

 

The incident took place as I asked her what the heck was going on with her.

I think she thought I had accused her of infidelity.

Impossible due to her school schedule, kids and always being around me.

But, I asked that question and since the kid was on my nerves kinda stormed out saying I needed to cool down.

 

An hour later I get a text telling me it's over and to leave.

I pack up and head to my home.

The same afternoon she unfriended me and my friends on FB and refused to respond to any text from me.

 

I went NC. Been tough. But necessary.

I wish I had known more about PTSD and ADHD before we got so serious.

 

She talked marriage a few times and her daughter asked if we were getting married some day.

 

At any rate, due to the instant dumping and social outcasting by her, what incentive would there be to try to get back together? She could do this again and I'd be even worse off than the first time.

 

Any way, I have no closure on this but I am sleeping and eating ok finally.

[Bromeo]

Bromeo

Sorry to hear your have endured what I have. It is a terrible feeling that someone has been in ones home when they know you will be out. It's like an invasion.

My home is my secure place or so I thought. I am still finding that things have gone missing that I hadn't realised had before, just small things but they are my things. I'm so angry.

 

We did split for a time last year and it should of stayed that way. I will not make the same mistake again.

 

I'm finding the inner strength to block him. For some reason even though I had blocked his number from my phone he could still leave voice mail but I've sorted that today. I am determined to keep to no contact.

 

Good to hear that your are keeping to no contact to. Thanks for sharing

 

That is exactly how I felt. My home is my sanctuary, and a place of peace. I took every piece of junk she left and threw it out by the curb. Bottom dwellers came swiftly and took it all.

 

Babe, change your number, and your locks.

 

Whatever his, or my exs reasoning were, it is flawed, and there are better ways to act.

 

For instance - with maturity and communication? Heaven forbid.

 

I can promise you, I will NEVER put up with this again.

 

Take it from me, and cut it now. You will hurt for a very long time if you do not.

 

Dave

[Steffi]

Bromeo

 

Glad you wont put up with it again and I certainly wont. I wont need to change my phone number as he is now totally blocked. Well, may have to if he uses another number but I'll sort that if it occurs.

 

Redhead

I have filed a report with the police. 'Of course they were really interested mmmmmmm'. But at lease it is reported just in case he does break in.

I saw him drive down my road yesterday which worried me. My son has been coming round more often though which helps.

[Steffi]

I have received flowers this morning with a note asking to meet, I love you, yours A.

 

Well my son was here but had to head of to collect his new car. On leaving we both saw a man approaching my car which was on the road. He promptly changed direction when we came out of the house but hovered around looking our way. My son waved at him and he started walking up the road looking back at us.

 

My son had to leave. I watched as this man ambled up the road, turning round every now and again. He disappeared round the corner.

 

20m later I see him walking along the road again, looking towards my house.

 

I think I've gone paranoid. Do I report this to the police.

[EmilyJane]

Steffi that same thing happened with my ex. The bit about being increasingly uncommunicative and just stopping wanting to go anywhere with me anymore.

 

I've been not working after an accident so my world was already very small. He isolated me further and was a bit passively controlling in retrospect.

 

I think part of the reason was that he must have been spending huge amounts of money. I saw how insanely high his alcohol tolerance was over Christmas and was really shocked. That he started to see spending money on anything that didn't involve alcohol or pot was a waste. Mine was self medicating for diagnosed depression and anxiety.

 

And I'm pretty sure he saw me as a waste of money and as trying to control him because I was so concerned about what he was doing to himself. They do that, addicts - see anyone who isn't complicit in the habit as the enemy and act in ways to protect the habit.

 

There were just so many completely nuts things that he started doing that I don't think it was just the alcohol. I think mine had some really deep seated self esteem and perfectionist issues that seemed to mean he was tortured constantly by the belief he was failing at his life. He exerted a lot of control over things.

 

But he is young and in his first full time job after uni. Maybe he will figure it out. I just know I don't want to be there for it anymore.

 

But in the long run, it's not going to be something we ever understand really. Making sense of the actions of deeply unhappy men with drinking problems.

 

It's an excercise in futility

[EmilyJane]

I have received flowers this morning with a note asking to meet, I love you, yours A.

 

Well my son was here but had to head of to collect his new car. On leaving we both saw a man approaching my car which was on the road. He promptly changed direction when we came out of the house but hovered around looking our way. My son waved at him and he started walking up the road looking back at us.

 

My son had to leave. I watched as this man ambled up the road, turning round every now and again. He disappeared round the corner.

 

20m later I see him walking along the road again, looking towards my house.

 

I think I've gone paranoid. Do I report this to the police.

 

Yes you should involve the police but first google the national domestic violence hotline so they can help you work out a safety plan and take out a restraining order on him.

 

This man could be very dangerous and he appears to have access to your home.

 

This is how women get killed. Every day.

[airborne3502]

But in the long run, it's not going to be something we ever understand really. Making sense of the actions of deeply unhappy men with drinking problems.

 

I'll never understand how men like that score women like you.

[EmilyJane]

I'll never understand how men like that score women like you.

 

Well, convieniently:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/619153-shy-anxious-smitten-he-hasn-t-kissed-me-after-4-dates#post7271154

[EmilyJane]

I'll never understand how men like that score women like you.

 

Hang on wait what?

 

What's a woman like me?

[airborne3502]

Hang on wait what?

 

What's a woman like me?

 

Before I answer, yours was a beautiful love story. Slow buildup has a beauty all its own. I vividly remember my plan to wait until my first love's prom to be intimate with her. She thought it was a great idea too, but in the months leading up to it, it got really tough to peel us apart from each other.

 

As fate would have it, she got her monthly bill on prom night. She was very distraught and disappointed. I put my hand on her cheek and told her it was going to be OK.

 

What her eyes told me that night will be forever burned into my brain...

 

To answer your query, we are all but words on a screen here. However, wit, intellect, and humor shine through. Such is the case with you. You have been tremendously helpful to me, and I am extremely grateful.

[EmilyJane]

Before I answer, yours was a beautiful love story. Slow buildup has a beauty all its own. I vividly remember my plan to wait until my first love's prom to be intimate with her. She thought it was a great idea too, but in the months leading up to it, it got really tough to peel us apart from each other.

 

As fate would have it, she got her monthly bill on prom night. She was very distraught and disappointed. I put my hand on her cheek and told her it was going to be OK.

 

What her eyes told me that night will be forever burned into my brain...

 

To answer your query, we are all but words on a screen here. However, wit, intellect, and humor shine through. Such is the case with you. You have been tremendously helpful to me, and I am extremely grateful.

 

Well obviously it didn't end like a love story :/

 

I don't think any woman ends up with someone like me and OP did because the person started out that way.

 

Thank you. That made me cry a little bit.

 

Reading other people's stuff and giving my perspective is helping me to process my own pain and turmoil. It's still very fresh. It means something to me if I can help someone else manage their pain.

 

We should probably get back on topic. But I will reply obviously on your thread if you would like my perspective on something or ask me questions about women like me etc

Edited April 1, 2017 by EmilyJane

[airborne3502]

Well obviously it didn't end like a love story :/

 

I don't think any woman ends up with someone like me and OP did because the person started out that way.

 

It's like that Garth Brooks song, "The Dance."

 

Reading other people's stuff and giving my perspective is helping me to process my own pain and turmoil. It's still very fresh. It means something to me if I can help someone else manage their pain.

 

I personally am an expert on other people's relationships!

 

 

We should probably get back on topic

 

Sorry for going off topic in your thread Steffi, and I wish you the fastest recovery possible. I watched alcoholism destroy a coworker, and I'm glad you are breaking free of someone else's addiction.

 

It's a bit helpful that he broke into your place like he did. That sounds terrible, but sometimes it takes something really extreme to override one's grief. I had an ex chase after me in her car and block me from leaving for work.

 

Since I brought up country music, there's Highway 101 song called "Whiskey, If You Were a Woman" that describes your situation perfectly.

[Steffi]

It's as EmilyJane has said, 'They don't start out that way'.

 

He for me was everything I wanted in a man....in the beginning.... he couldn't of being more kind, thoughtful, entertaining, loving. Shame it wasn't real. The reality is alcohol rules and with that comes all the weird behaviour.

 

Yes I wouldn't tolerate the drink or behaviour so alas I have become the enemy. He saw me as the enemy long before I realised it. He caused my so many problems.

 

I feel that he hasn't got anything better to do than intimidate me.

 

I was actually fearful of going out today (had arranged to be with friends all day) but I went. I don't want to feel I can't leave my home in case some action is done against it.

Note put through my door but all was well when I got home. Note said 'he loves and misses me, please talk to me'.

 

I can't break NC.

 

Police have emailed to ask for more information but unsure what to tell them. I don't wish him any harm even if he wishes it on me. Don't want to antagonise either.

[EmilyJane]

It's as EmilyJane has said, 'They don't start out that way'.

 

He for me was everything I wanted in a man....in the beginning.... he couldn't of being more kind, thoughtful, entertaining, loving. Shame it wasn't real. The reality is alcohol rules and with that comes all the weird behaviour.

 

Yes I wouldn't tolerate the drink or behaviour so alas I have become the enemy. He saw me as the enemy long before I realised it. He caused my so many problems.

 

I feel that he hasn't got anything better to do than intimidate me.

 

I was actually fearful of going out today (had arranged to be with friends all day) but I went. I don't want to feel I can't leave my home in case some action is done against it.

Note put through my door but all was well when I got home. Note said 'he loves and misses me, please talk to me'.

 

I can't break NC.

 

Police have emailed to ask for more information but unsure what to tell them. I don't wish him any harm even if he wishes it on me. Don't want to antagonise either.

 

I didn't leave the house for three weeks after kicking him out. I was terrified of him the last couple of months, there is nothing like a musclebound 6"2 28 year old angry drunk standing over at a 5'1 injured woman shouting at her multiple times a week for inducing terror.

 

By sheer mercy he seems to have retained some of his original personality and is probably so pissed off at me for blocking him he will just be pretending I don't exist.

 

I had been making arrangements with the sober person and having them violated by the addict so we'd been still sharing the house until he found somewhere on the condition he wouldnt come here drunk and would let me know when he was under the influence. I was naive. In my defence I've never had any contact with alcoholism and other substance abuse. I had no real grasp on what was happening for ages. I kept viewing his behaviour changes and secretive withdrawal as his depression rearing up

 

I was also the enemy, as you say, before I knew I was just because I was the biggest threat to the delusion his addictive behaviours were "normal". I remember seriously seeking counselling advice that I was controlling. He yelled it at me so many times and he'd been such a loving partner previously and I'd knew I'd been slightly insane from Ivf hormones earlier that year (we were trying to preserve chances of having children not knowing what would happen with my injury) and had acted in ways I never had before - that I just believed it.

 

Despite the fact that for all my many failings seeking to control others has never been one of them.

 

After counselling which confirmed this and no longer permitting him to say it he mostly just devolved into calling me a bitch when he got loaded.

 

Now after educating myself I know that viewing partners and families who raise concerns over the addiction as controlling is pretty standard, I know that it really wouldn't have mattered what I'd done. He would always have come to see me as the enemy.

 

The bit I still can't work out is why he was so keen to preserve the connection with me. I mean, he hated me, yelled at me, criticised me , hated living together by the time I pulled the trigger.

 

And the most tragic bit is I am now grateful for the tragedy of early in our relationship of getting too sick to safely carry his child. Previously something that caused unimaginable grief and guilt. Now thank you dear god or goddess or universal random chance because my baby would have grown up with that... random loose nuclear missile ... instead of a father.

 

Ok that's a bit harsh. I'm still having insanely conflicted feelings.

I did actually tell him we could consider dating if he'd been sober a year and was in therapy.

 

 

I am still very much in love with my partner. I'm mostly managing by viewing drunk and the sober him I fell in love with as two different people. I'm sure that can't last. But it is keeping me from breaking nc.

 

I hope I get a chance to meet someone else who I might get to find out what raising a family is like with.

Edited April 2, 2017 by EmilyJane

[airborne3502]

...on my dating profile?

 

There seems to be some kind of association there with me either being a recovering alcoholic, or a holy roller.

 

I'm neither of those things.

 

With the exceptions being a year or two in college, and post divorce, I wasn't ever much into alcohol.

 

About eight years ago, I just stopped drinking it altogether.

 

Watcha think?

[EmilyJane]

Dude right now to be blunt, you should so not be online dating. You know that really right? You're not healed from your ex and if you want to not get in another mess please try to learn to be alone. For a little bit.

 

But as to the profile. I'd imagine to most women it's an odd thing to write on a profile because why write it if it's not significant to you or it's not something that suggests you want a partner that doesn't drink. So I guess they ascribe it the explanations you give.

 

I would guess that the only women who would react positively would be those that have bad associations with men and alcohol. Like me or perhaps OP and I doubt either of us woukd have online dating profiles any time soon. And by the time women like us might, it might perhaps not be something that is as important anymore because we've done good at healing.

 

And I would not wish my current crazy on anyone.

 

Like there will be baggage there of some sort, from an alcoholic parent or partner etc that will be at best a challenge to functional emotional intimacy.

Edited April 2, 2017 by EmilyJane

[airborne3502]

Dude right now to be blunt, you should so not be online dating. You know that really right? You're not healed from your ex and if you want to not get in another mess please try to learn to be alone. For a little bit.

 

But as to the profile. I'd imagine to most women it's an odd thing to write on a profile because why write it if it's not significant to you or it's not something that suggests you want a partner that doesn't drink. So I guess they ascribe it the explanations you give.

 

I would guess that the only women who would react positively would be those that have bad associations with men and alcohol. Like me or perhaps OP and I doubt either of us woukd have online dating profiles any time soon. And by the time women like us might, it might perhaps not be something that is as important anymore because we've done good at healing.

 

And I would not wish my current crazy on anyone.

 

Like there will be baggage there of some sort, from an alcoholic parent or partner etc that will be at best a challenge to functional emotional intimacy.

 

 

 

You do know that Romeo was crying over some other chick before he met Juliet?

 

I get your point though.

 

I was alone for quite a while before I started dating again. It's been such a negative, miserable, experience I can take a break for a while from the mental defectives...

[EmilyJane]

You do know that Romeo was crying over some other chick before he met Juliet?

 

I get your point though.

 

I was alone for quite a while before I started dating again. It's been such a negative, miserable, experience I can take a break for a while from the mental defectives...

 

Well Romeo did also commit suicide over a woman he'd known a few weeks. I think from commentary that that theme of the intense fickle yet dangerous nature of teen love was seen as intended by Shakespeare, showing him flick from rosamunde to Juliet the first time we are introduced to him.

 

So let's not use him as a model for healthy emotional conduct.

 

I didn't quite mean that they were mentally defective.

 

I was genuinely concerned for your experiences. You are due a good one.

But from my experience if you get back out there too soon post break up trying to fix that shock of a sudden absence of connection you're more likely to be susceptible to the ones looking for instant do or die undying love to escape stuff or to the ones who are a bit to far on that BPD scale (remembering tho thst it does also to some extent describe extremes of typically feminine emotional responses). Because you're still a bit fragile emotionally. And for certain personality types you more often find online that is their crack.

 

But if you take the time to focus on healing and on the other areas and realationships in your life for at least the length of the relationship if it was under six months or half the length if it was longer or you've had a few in a row - then you are more likely to be attracted to and more often attract people who are likewise in possession of emotional health and a full life.

Edited April 2, 2017 by EmilyJane

[EmilyJane]

It's as EmilyJane has said, 'They don't start out that way'.

 

He for me was everything I wanted in a man....in the beginning.... he couldn't of being more kind, thoughtful, entertaining, loving. Shame it wasn't real. The reality is alcohol rules and with that comes all the weird behaviour.

 

Yes I wouldn't tolerate the drink or behaviour so alas I have become the enemy. He saw me as the enemy long before I realised it. He caused my so many problems.

 

I feel that he hasn't got anything better to do than intimidate me.

 

I was actually fearful of going out today (had arranged to be with friends all day) but I went. I don't want to feel I can't leave my home in case some action is done against it.

Note put through my door but all was well when I got home. Note said 'he loves and misses me, please talk to me'.

 

I can't break NC.

 

Police have emailed to ask for more information but unsure what to tell them. I don't wish him any harm even if he wishes it on me. Don't want to antagonise either.

 

Steffi I totally get not wanting to cause him more trouble or trouble thst might backlash on you.

 

I've been thinking on it.

 

Give the police all the information about the break up and the break ins and the stalking with intent to intimidate and ask them to issue an urgent response on your address.

 

It is to protect you. So it is on record so thst if he escalates the police have more power to act. To protect you.

 

So the incidents are properly on record and can be used on what in my country is called interim domestic violence orders. This lurking to intimidate is considered domestic violence and it is why I suggested google the domestic violence hotline for your country. There is one government funded one in every western country. They can help give you unbiased advice and help with how to communicate with the police or guide you through seeking orders or even put you up in a hotel until things have settled a bit.

 

They are also experienced in all the reactions of women in these situations and can help with articulating and resolving some of that mess that happens in your head. Where you doubt everything as reality from one minute to the next.

 

Make decisions for worst case scenario to protect yourself from any escalation. Prevention is better than risking your emotional and physical safety on not wanting to cause trouble. For reals.

Edited April 2, 2017 by EmilyJane

[Steffi]

Thank you MaryJane for sharing your experience, sad that you have gone through this but it has helped me to understand the reality of my situation which is so like yours.

 

He said I was controlling also and like you I have been but I don't like being controlled and manipulated.

 

I have had so many mixed feelings of still caring, loving, feeling so sorry for him. Why I don't know.

 

He is still trying to get a response from me and it is so temping to respond. Email from him today to say he wants me to get in touch, that is desolate without me.

I really don't understand what he is thinking since he walked out. It's like utter madness.

[EmilyJane]

Steffi i had never been controlling. I doubt you were either.

 

Please get some counselling ASAP so you can avoid being further sucked into the madness

[Steffi]

Seems the madness is over unless he is taking a break from contacting me. He knows that I have blocked him form everything I can. Had a couple of letters through the post though. Wants me to give him another chance.

 

I would say to anyone out there that if you get blocked move on because there are no more chances.