RedWind Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 My gf and I have been together for like 6 months now, and as what other normal relationships have, we had ups and downs. This time, the argument we had started to make me to have some self-doubt. She pointed out my weakness and doesn't seem to have some faith in me that I would improve myself as a man. The thing is, I want to be a better bf to treat the way she deserves, but I just don't know where to start and how. I know this is somewhat fuzzy, but I'm just lost and need help.
act00 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I'm not sure what your "weakness" is, but if it's a major issue, something that can impact her life, her future, your potential marriage, and your potential children, then she has a valid concern. I'm afraid no one can give you pointers on where to start, and how, without knowing, at least generally, what this issue is that is causing problems.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 My gf and I have been together for like 6 months now, and as what other normal relationships have, we had ups and downs. This time, the argument we had started to make me to have some self-doubt. She pointed out my weakness and doesn't seem to have some faith in me that I would improve myself as a man. The thing is, I want to be a better bf to treat the way she deserves, but I just don't know where to start and how. I know this is somewhat fuzzy, but I'm just lost and need help. Well, what did she say exactly and how did all this precipitate? Sounds like you really mucked-up or she is very picky?
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 My gf and I have been together for like 6 months now, and as what other normal relationships have, we had ups and downs. This time, the argument we had started to make me to have some self-doubt. She pointed out my weakness and doesn't seem to have some faith in me that I would improve myself as a man. The thing is, I want to be a better bf to treat the way she deserves, but I just don't know where to start and how. I know this is somewhat fuzzy, but I'm just lost and need help. How regular have these ups and downs been? 6 months is still a very new relationship, so frequent arguments during what should still be the 'getting to know' / 'honeymoon' phase tend to indicate things have been shaky for a bit, at least from her perspective.
Author RedWind Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 After clearing my head, I'll list down my weakness here. This is what she pointed out 1. I am being too quiet - I tried to be more verbal and when I comment on things, she feels that I am being negative instead of being encouraging. 2. I told her I don't like it when she text me with "???" because to me it's like saying what the hell are you talking about? In a rude way. Unfortunately she doesn't see it that way, instead say that I am being weird for having such thinking. She doesn't like people reply her with "ok", "I see", etc those with one liner text. Yet she thinks it is fine to feel not ok with those. It's a trivial matter and I told her I'm having an open communication to her where I tell her what I like and don't like. But she thinks I shouldn't have this thought of not liking the reply. She thinks that I'm not good enough because I shouldn't get angry at the first place when we started arguing but I was quick to apologise after that as soon as I realise it's my fault for not understanding her point of view.
Author RedWind Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 How regular have these ups and downs been? 6 months is still a very new relationship, so frequent arguments during what should still be the 'getting to know' / 'honeymoon' phase tend to indicate things have been shaky for a bit, at least from her perspective. We had like 3-4 fights, but there was once we broke off for a brief period and realise it was a mistake for not communicating properly. I don't mind arguments, because that is to be expected from a new relationship. Surely it has its ups and downs. But what is causing this self-doubt is that when she gets angry, she tends to think that we don't match at all as a partner and as a guy I should be more capable than her. I can't say that I can 100% more capable than her, but I am trying my best to live up to that expectation for myself and for her. To be fair, those mistakes she pointed out like, shouldn't get angry so easily, able to strike conversations with people, able to take lead are things that I think is reasonable. Well, what did she say exactly and how did all this precipitate? Sounds like you really mucked-up or she is very picky? It could be both that I screwed up and she's picky. She just told me I'm not at that level where she wants her man to be, yet she tells me that if I am hardworking enough to achieve these, I'll definitely have her. She tends to compare other guys with me like they are gentleman enough not to get angry at the words thrown at them. To which I agree what she said, but there's a limit to it in my opinion.
OatsAndHall Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 We had like 3-4 fights, but there was once we broke off for a brief period and realise it was a mistake for not communicating properly. I don't mind arguments, because that is to be expected from a new relationship. Surely it has its ups and downs. But what is causing this self-doubt is that when she gets angry, she tends to think that we don't match at all as a partner and as a guy I should be more capable than her. I can't say that I can 100% more capable than her, but I am trying my best to live up to that expectation for myself and for her. To be fair, those mistakes she pointed out like, shouldn't get angry so easily, able to strike conversations with people, able to take lead are things that I think is reasonable. It could be both that I screwed up and she's picky. She just told me I'm not at that level where she wants her man to be, yet she tells me that if I am hardworking enough to achieve these, I'll definitely have her. She tends to compare other guys with me like they are gentleman enough not to get angry at the words thrown at them. To which I agree what she said, but there's a limit to it in my opinion. 1. You recognized that you two aren't communicating properly and brought it up. Many people in relationships fail to realize this fact and it leads to break ups. I don't know the exact circumstances behind her "getting angry" but I do know that trying to communicate when angry is ineffective, at best. 2. I personally, wouldn't care to have a bar set for me in a relationship. Especially when it's laid out as an ultimatum. Honestly, I would be angry in this situation but I would walk away from these conversations as, again, nothing is a accomplished when you try to communicate and you're worked up. Yes, it is fair of her to ask that you keep yourself under control and not act on anger. However, she can either accept that you aren't as social as she is or she can move on. 3. She is comparing you to other men and that isn't fair nor mature. Again she is setting standards for you instead of being okay with who you are and working through problems. She is stating that you two aren't compatible but that you can "work harder" to be so: I wouldn't be alright with this, whatsoever. It strikes me as controlling; she can either call it off with you or accept who you are and move forward. You two can't have it both ways. If I were in your shoes, I would have a conversation a hard conversation with her. Explain to her that you will continue to work on communicating properly but that you don't appreciate having other guys held over your head or having some bar set in place in order for you to be with her. That's not fair to you.
PrettyEmily77 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Yeah, I too think she's making you jump through a bunch of hoops to meet her 'level', whatever that may be. Sounds like you have been fairly accommodating to her needs so far. Could you use this as an opportunity to ask her to meet you half-way on something that matters to you as a fair deal?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 OP, you should not be having these types of ups-and-downs already. It's not normal at just 6 months in, especially given she broke up with you once before. You two don't sound compatible. Frankly, she sounds emotionally high-maintenance and it's jerky of her to compare you to other guys as a means of highlighting your supposed shortcomings. I would let her go. You're not going to be able to please her, I don't think. 1
Author RedWind Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 Hey guys, thanks for listening out and the advice given. I think I'm giving this another 6 months to see how things progress. I'm not about to give up just yet, I'm seeing this as an opportunity to improve without losing my own identity, because I know that we can't be constantly accommodate our partner until we don't know who we are. I am taking each and every one of your advice and make a careful consideration when enough is enough.
viatori patuit Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 Dude, I feel your pain. Sometimes a partner can be emotional. I have had several fun arguments with my girlfriend and it can be infuriating. Here are some things I did to level set: 1. I flat out asked her if she thought we should be together. She said she did and I have always kept that in mind. 2. I have walked away from many arguments. That seemed to stop the nonsense before it started. 3. I gave her space when she was moody. It is not always your fault. 4. I had a sit down with her where we shared issues with each other. This is a tough one and might lead to an argument, but she took it to heart and things got better. 5. I told her that although I loved her I would leave if she continued treating me this way. That got her attention. This might sound harsh, but it is true- you need to man up. She won't respect you if you have no self respect.
coolheadal Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 My gf and I have been together for like 6 months now, and as what other normal relationships have, we had ups and downs. This time, the argument we had started to make me to have some self-doubt. She pointed out my weakness and doesn't seem to have some faith in me that I would improve myself as a man. The thing is, I want to be a better bf to treat the way she deserves, but I just don't know where to start and how. I know this is somewhat fuzzy, but I'm just lost and need help. Ups and downs are normal. You can't change her or she can't change you. You both must of like something about each other. So go start dong things that made her happy. You too might be loosing interest or all sorts of things. Why don't you talk things over with her because we really can't say much more than what you have told us. What's going on with you and her? More details.. Thanks
Author RedWind Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 Dude, I feel your pain. Sometimes a partner can be emotional. I have had several fun arguments with my girlfriend and it can be infuriating. Here are some things I did to level set: 1. I flat out asked her if she thought we should be together. She said she did and I have always kept that in mind. 2. I have walked away from many arguments. That seemed to stop the nonsense before it started. 3. I gave her space when she was moody. It is not always your fault. 4. I had a sit down with her where we shared issues with each other. This is a tough one and might lead to an argument, but she took it to heart and things got better. 5. I told her that although I loved her I would leave if she continued treating me this way. That got her attention. This might sound harsh, but it is true- you need to man up. She won't respect you if you have no self respect. True. The comparison that she always do stems from her father. That's what I realise. Her father is an airhead at times and throw stuff around in the house. Yet she tells me I am not a man if I get angry so easily and I do all these. So right now I'm just thinking how to help her to focus on me and lose the fear that I will be like her father. That's my concern now.
TheBathWater Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) Redwind, you should YouTube Coach Corey Wayne and look up his videos on communication skills. This is just my perspective here, but I think if you've made it this far in the dating process with this woman and what you're telling us is the worst of your relationship, then I'd like to think it can be worked through and that the relationship could even be strengthened as a result of the working through. It just sounds like you need to learn how to read what she's saying to you better and calibrate your response accordingly. You obviously care about her, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here, so I think you have a good shot at working through things. Best of luck. Edited March 20, 2017 by TunaInTheBrine
Author RedWind Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 Ups and downs are normal. You can't change her or she can't change you. You both must of like something about each other. So go start dong things that made her happy. You too might be loosing interest or all sorts of things. Why don't you talk things over with her because we really can't say much more than what you have told us. What's going on with you and her? More details.. Thanks It started with a fight that I have commented something negatively about the picture she sent to me through whatsapp. She was watching an MMA fight in the mall, and I commented that nothing much interesting other than pushing and pulling one another. So to her, she was pretty much enjoying the show, but me on the other hand texted her with something that is rather negative. So this leads to one another where she started to highlight my shortcomings. Redwind, you should YouTube Coach Corey Wayne and look up his videos on communication skills. This is just my perspective here, but I think if you've made it this far in the dating process with this woman and what you're telling us is the worst of your relationship, then I'd like to think it can be worked through and that the relationship could even be strengthened as a result of the working through. It just sounds like you need to learn how to read what she's saying to you better and calibrate your response accordingly. You obviously care about her, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here, so I think you have a good shot at working through things. Best of luck. TunaInTheBrine, thanks for the suggestion on the video. It's really useful and I'll watch them when I get back home from work. Appreciate it.
TheTraveler Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 It started with a fight that I have commented something negatively about the picture she sent to me through whatsapp. She was watching an MMA fight in the mall, and I commented that nothing much interesting other than pushing and pulling one another. So to her, she was pretty much enjoying the show, but me on the other hand texted her with something that is rather negative. 1. I am being too quiet - I tried to be more verbal and when I comment on things, she feels that I am being negative instead of being encouraging. Are you a masculine guy RedWind? Do you exude a manly man? Are you buff/in shape?
Author RedWind Posted March 20, 2017 Author Posted March 20, 2017 Are you a masculine guy RedWind? Do you exude a manly man? Are you buff/in shape? By no means I'm a buff guy. I'm a skinny Asian dude.
Chilli Posted March 20, 2017 Posted March 20, 2017 (edited) Doesn't matter whether you are or or not or whatever RW. We are what we are in those respects and you also shouldn't have to change who and what you are as a person either . Bad habits maybe, sure, if you think it's fair, but not the person. She's being a bit of a princess in her attitudes and treatment and a long way from perfect herself anyway. And this throwing other guys in your face, B2tch act , throw a few other women in hers and see how she likes it. And while your at it don't forget to make some demands of your own to man , it's a two way street. She doesn't get to just give you her sh@t from her throne. Edited March 20, 2017 by Chilli
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