irishguy129 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 So I (M 32) had been dating her (F 26) for just over a year. She was slow to call me her boyfriend (started December 2015) but when she did it was great. Over the summer 2016, she made it very clear she wanted to get engaged. I was happy with this as saw her as the one too. Fast forward to November, and I propose. She initially totally freaks out - she had been very busy at work (non-stop 18 hour days, including weekends), initially said she wasn't sure and then a few hours later said she was. The time after the engagement became hugely stressful - she was working non stop, we had everyone hassling us about the wedding details. We just wanted to push it out to 2018. Then one Saturday in January, we woke up and she booked a flight to see her parents (which I had known about before). We went out, got a quick takeaway breakfast and came back. At this point she said she wanted to have a bad conversation and break up as her feelings had changed. She then said she had to go to the airport. We went NC for a bit, then we met up 10 days later. I got the ring back. She said we were past the point of no return and it wasn't worth discussing anything. We didn't talk for 2 weeks, then had breakfast. She reiterated she had made her decision and was sticking with it. She told me she is seeing a relationship therapist to help her move on. She said she wanted to go NC and be friends "in a few months". I said I was happy to go NC but we won't be friends. We haven't spoken since (now just over 2 weeks). We didn't argue a great deal (not about any deal breakers), our parents both liked the other person as did our friends. No cheating, to my knowledge. Questions: * is she sure? * does she have GIGS? * do I just wait and see what happens and keep NC? In any case I would keep NC for at least a month. We're both quite stubborn so I suspect we won't break * even if she wants to come back, she will be too stubborn to admit a mistake. How do I get around this issue?
266696687 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 (edited) My first thought here immediately jumps to the fact that she either has someone else (and has been cheating) or she has her eye on someone. The point at which she started working non-stop including weekends is suspicious. 18 hour days and weekends? What job is she doing that requires those hours? Coincidently the change from summer and her wanting to get engaged to your proposal in November and her long work days and freaking out? Something changed. The refusal to discuss the breakup and the sudden manner in which is was done also raises questions. Stay NC. Edited March 19, 2017 by 266696687 1
Author irishguy129 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 My first thought here immediately jumps to the fact that she either has someone else (and has been cheating) or she has her eye on someone. The point at which she started working non-stop including weekends is suspicious. 18 hour days and weekends? What job is she doing that requires those hours? Yeah, the same plays over and over with me. Cheating is the most rational explanation. BUT she genuinely does have a tough job in finance, and I knew the Nov/Dec period was going to be bad during the summer because she was up for promotion and she flagged it in advance.
Marc878 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Consider yourself lucky man. You just don't know how lucky. Block that and never look back. There's nothing there. 3
266696687 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Yeah, the same plays over and over with me. Cheating is the most rational explanation. BUT she genuinely does have a tough job in finance, and I knew the Nov/Dec period was going to be bad during the summer because she was up for promotion and she flagged it in advance. I think if you suspect it you're probably correct. You may not want to believe it but I think she probably met someone else at that time. Theres bad and tough working hours and then there's unrealistic working hours. I'm sorry but I don't know anyone in finance who works 18 hour days including weekends. Does she have a 24'hour office? Sounds too suspicious to me.
Marc878 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Yeah, the same plays over and over with me. Cheating is the most rational explanation. BUT she genuinely does have a tough job in finance, and I knew the Nov/Dec period was going to be bad during the summer because she was up for promotion and she flagged it in advance. Man, you can make all the excuses you want but it doesn't change who she really is. A lot of people have tough working schedules but getting engaged should have been exciting. It's probably a workplace affair. Seen this one too many times. 3
Marc878 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I'm in finance and year end is a heavier work schedule but believe me that's not what you're dealing with. Like most you're in denial and don't want it to be what it is. 2
266696687 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I'm in finance and year end is a heavier work schedule but believe me that's not what you're dealing with. Like most you're in denial and don't want it to be what it is. My thoughts exactly. It just doesn't add up.
divegrl Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I'm so sorry for what you are going thru... it must be very difficult. I was in M&A for a couple years and the hours were brutal. But much of the " work" was courting the bankers and investors. Restaurants, bars, golf weekends, sporting events. And the industry is very male dominated. I'm not sure if this applies to your exes job..... but GIGS could be very possible here. Good luck my friend.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I strongly suspect she met someone else, too. The suspiciously long work days coupled with the sudden break-up and refusal to even talk about it all suggest she's not being totally honest with you, OP.
Author irishguy129 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 Ok let's say you're all correct, and I don't see why not - what now? I obviously need to get her to admit to it before I can go any further. How does that happen? She has no new bf
Author irishguy129 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 Ok let's say you're all correct, and I don't see why not - what now? I obviously need to get her to admit to it before I can go any further - Once that's done I can then work out how to move on much more easily. How does that happen though? She has no new bf to my knowledge (I see quite a lot of her friends and she's currently ignoring most of them)
pidgeon1010 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Ok let's say you're all correct, and I don't see why not - what now? I obviously need to get her to admit to it before I can go any further. How does that happen? She has no new bf I work such long hours and it's absolutely dreadful. I do M&A, capital markets work but on the legal side and I know those on the finance side on deals work just as many hours so I'm not suspicious of the long hours but it should not be the cause of a relationship ending. As others have mentioned, something may have been happened that caused her to have a change of heart and it's not a far stretch that it involves someone else - working long hours with people all down in the trenches can cause relationships/bonds to form. The industry is also dominated by men. I've seen it happen. I'm curious as to what you mean by you need to get her to admit before you go any further. Go any further with what? She has told you the engagement is off, the relationship is over so I'm baffled as to what you think you can do in this scenario. I would keep no contact and just let her be. If she comes back wanting to sweep things under the rug and continue as friends like nothing has happened, I would nip that in the bud. 1
Author irishguy129 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 I'm curious as to what you mean by you need to get her to admit before you go any further. Go any further with what? She has told you the engagement is off, the relationship is over so I'm baffled as to what you think you can do in this scenario. I would keep no contact and just let her be. If she comes back wanting to sweep things under the rug and continue as friends like nothing has happened, I would nip that in the bud. Firstly, her saying that's the reason for the breakup gives me a lot of closure Secondly, having cheated on an ex gf myself ages ago and breaking up because I couldn't live with myself doing that means I know how she will be feeling. She feels terrible for cheating but feels like breaking up is better than confronting the issue and working through it. In retrospect, I wish I had done that with the girl at the time.
Marc878 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Ok let's say you're all correct, and I don't see why not - what now? I obviously need to get her to admit to it before I can go any further - Once that's done I can then work out how to move on much more easily. How does that happen though? She has no new bf to my knowledge (I see quite a lot of her friends and she's currently ignoring most of them) You don't get it. You have no control over her and can't make her do anything. Closure comes from within. All you need to know is she's done and gone. You chase they flee further away. Your problem is you can't stop watching, looking for her and this will just keep you in a suspended state. 1
Author irishguy129 Posted March 19, 2017 Author Posted March 19, 2017 No way I'm going to chase - 100% agree with that I don't agree "she's gone". From my own similar situation they're never gone.
Marc878 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 Time will tell but I wouldn't hold my breath or put my life on hold for a sliver of hope. It seems you're looking for an answer you want to hear but haven't gotten.
SoleMate Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 I agree with the others - I see nothing here to give any hope and I don't see anything that you can do, really. Unless you're content just waiting....which I don't recommend. The idea that you can somehow force her to admit that she cheated and that will then be a springboard to recovery.......slimmest of chances. Might make sense to recover a longterm marriage in that situation, but for a 1 year relationship where she has already run for the exit....NO.
ExpatInItaly Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 No way I'm going to chase - 100% agree with that I don't agree "she's gone". From my own similar situation they're never gone. Eh, that is simply not always true. I have broken up with a boyfriend and stayed gone, on more than occasion. She might come back around, yes, but you at least need to keep in mind that she very well might not. Asserting that dumpers always come back is a fallacy and an exercise in denial, which I get is somewhat of coping strategy too. There's not a lot you can do if she already ended the engagement, OP. If there is in fact someone else, you are not likely to get the the whole truth anyway. Waiting around for that is a waste of time. All you can really do now is go with the information you know to be true, which is that she doesn't want to marry you and doesn't want to talk about it. It hurts, but if she's already bailing after only a year, it's a bad sign indeed. Even if she comes back, you will probably always be wondering when the rug is going to be pulled out from under your feet again. Apparently, the stable foundation you thought you two had wasn't really there anymore.
montie1 Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 She says she doesn't have any feelings for you again my friend. That should be closure enough. For whatever reason she no longer feels the same way about you. There's no other way to look at it. Be thankful you didn't get marry and this popped up some time after. What a mess would that have been huh.
spiderowl Posted March 19, 2017 Posted March 19, 2017 The fact that she has reiterated several times that she won't change her mind and that there is nothing to talk about suggests that she really feels her mind is made up. No-one knows why this change has occurred, but she is a fair bit younger than you and maybe not quite so ready to settle down. She could have met someone else and suddenly felt she should not be committing to you while feeling confused. She could just want some freedom and not feel ready for marriage. It sounds like she had some doubts initially but brushed them aside. It could be that she is the kind of person who will always opt out of a relationship when it gets serious and is turning into a lifelong commitment. I am sorry, it must be a very painful place for you at the moment. I would not hang on to hope of her changing her mind. In a way it is better she did this now than two months after you had been through all the expense and stress of a wedding. It sounds like you were both under a great deal of stress in this relationship anyway, with the work commitments. No-one works 18-hour days unless they really have to or have other, social reasons, for wanting to do so.
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