Relationship on hold?

[Oldsparta]

Ok so this is my first post like this of any kind and I am just asking for advice on what I should do and what is possibly going on in her mind bc I am beyond confused now. I was married for 5 years and dated a girl for 11 years and ever since our divorce I have tried the dating thing again for the past 3 years and have come up with nothing but a broken heart everytime.

 

I gave up for a while and when I thought all was lost and couldn't be loved this girl came into my life, they say love comes when you least expect it, she actually messaged me bc I liked her pic on instagram. Then I asked her out for a drink and it went well from there, it was great to start with, we both shared our past relationships and talked about how they didn't work, I would go see her which is 60 miles from house and stay the night and the nights I couldn't stay with her she would come to me, she told me repeadtly how lucky she was and how she didn't want anything to change.

 

Couple weeks went by and I asked her if I was being around her to much bc I didn't want to "smoother" her she replied no baby I want you around all the time. So I continued the way I started off bc that's what she wanted.She took my dog to the vet and paid 175 dollar vet bill then called me to tell me which I was very appreciative of and told her she didn't have to do that. Well just 2 days I sensed something was wrong and her period was starting so I back down a little and asked what was wrong and of course I get the "nothing" excuse. So I just assumed it was that time of the month, then the texts started getting shorter, she stopped calling me after work.

 

I would send her a message and it takes her hours to respond now but yet she still constantly tells me she loves me and misses me. Then today I get a message that says I am making her nervous, she wants to make the right decision without rushing into anything, but still replies with that I love you and I miss you bull****. Is she playing me? She has cancelled on our plans for tonight, I asked her what's going on and she says nothing bad just wants to slow down, but says she promises we are good and that I am not loosing her but it sure seems that way.

 

I mean it went from great to horrible almost overnight? This morning I went and got her flowers and took them to her, her response was why did you get me flowers while she was still in bed, she hugged and kissed me, then asked if I was staying and I ask do you want me to with her response being doesn't matter to me, where as Just 2 days ago it was I want you around all the time. I decided to leave. Is she talking to another dude her ex possibly? Or is she just afraid of getting attached so soon and committing in fear of getting hurt again?

 

Should I back off and not message her at all and wait for her to come to me? Need some help bc I really care about this one we are both the same age I am 33 she is 34

Edited March 19, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Forgotten age

[Quiet Storms]

Who knows why she has backed off, but you definitely need to step back and give her space. The worst thing you can do at this point is push her when she has requested to slow down. You will lose her for sure that way.

 

Give her the space she has requested and see what happens.

[Oldsparta]

And now she calls and talks to me for an hour about her day, and throws the I miss you in there again. But doesn't want to see me???

[joseb]

Here's my $0.02 cents.

 

She's probably on the fence about you. It's early days, so not unusual.

And your repeated asking for her permission/reassurances is turning her off.

 

E.g. Am i around too much? Do you want me to stay? And buying her flowers. Drop all that.

 

Back off and see if she comes to you. Accept whatever happens. Date others or at least do stuff with friends. Etc. Don't make her the focus of everything

[TheAntiHero]

Is she talking to another dude her ex possibly? Or is she just afraid of getting attached so soon and committing in fear of getting hurt again?

 

I don't mean to burst any bubbles but there's a good chance she's doing just that, that she may be seeing another dude.

 

I don't ever buy the second part to what I quoted from you: "too scared to love?" crock of **** for sure.

 

Always remember that actions speak louder than words; good luck, man.

[Miss Spider]

Details plz - how long seeing each other /have you slept together?

 

Regardless, "go slow"= bad

 

Go slow usually means not going anywhere

[MidwestUSA]

Why did she take your dog to the vet?

 

If I felt the need to take someone's animal in because I could see that was the only way it was going to get done, I'd be put off.

 

You told her she didn't have to do it. Meaning she didn't have to take the dog in, or she didn't have to pay the bill? Did you reimburse her? Do you normally care for the dog properly?

 

You mght be able to tell I'm pro animal. I'd drop a guy in a heartbeat if he had a pet but didn't treat it properly.

[GoldSparkz]

She sounds like she wants to play her cards to close to her chest and suss you out more before letting you in. She's being cautious.

 

As soon as someone starts pulling away, do the same until they figure out what it is they want. Unfortunately, you can't make someone like you. Give her space but continue dating in the meantime.

[GoldSparkz]

Why did she take your dog to the vet?

 

If I felt the need to take someone's animal in because I could see that was the only way it was going to get done, I'd be put off.

 

You told her she didn't have to do it. Meaning she didn't have to take the dog in, or she didn't have to pay the bill? Did you reimburse her? Do you normally care for the dog properly?

 

You mght be able to tell I'm pro animal. I'd drop a guy in a heartbeat if he had a pet but didn't treat it properly.

 

This is a very good point being made here. I am also keen to know whether you reimbursed her and also whether she started pulling back after taking your dog to the vet.

[Oldsparta]

The dog didn't have to go to the vet for any kind of emergency.To the person I am replying to now, to answer your question she wanted the dog to get groomed! He is a pit bull and she thought he needed to be groomed and washed. Again I didn't ask her to take him the vet bill was 175 dollars, when I tried to pay her back she declined and would not take it. So I found other ways to pay her back, she has said repeadtly that needed new door locks on her house so I replaced them, she needed some parts to her sons dirtbikea so I fixed them, then she was struggling to pay her light bill so I also paid it, so yes in a sense I paid her back bc she wouldn't take the cash for a bath and grooming that I never asked for! She has always dated men 10+ years older than her, her dad committed suicide when she was 8. Yes we have slept together multiple times to also answer an above question

Edited March 19, 2017 by Oldsparta

[Redhead14]

She's putting you on the back burner. She's not sure about you and wants to keep her options open. She's stringing you along until she finds someone else she's more interested in but won't cut it off until then. This is monkey-branching.

 

I don't allow people to decide what happens with my life . . . she's cutting you out of the "decision" process by not talking about what's going on.

 

Block and delete her. She using you as an emotional tampon by continuing to call you but not wanting to spend time with you.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't allow people to decide what happens with my life . . . she's cutting you out of the "decision" process by not talking about what's going on.

 

Sound philosophy. In any relationship, don't allow the control over YOUR life to be dictated by someone else. I know sometimes this is out of our hands, but if you can help it, maintain full control.

[act00]

Something is very strange.

 

It seems you two fell into "playing house" a bit too soon. It's become overwhelming. I can't determine a timeline on your dating, but it doesn't seem that long. It would be normal for the significant other/spouse to take on some tasks like getting the dog to the vet/groomer. Not normal in a relationship that is all of a few weeks old. What business did she have taking the dog to the vet? A groom can run all of $50, but shots have to be current, so there's that, but unless you two discussed this ahead of time, she had no business taking on this role, and I would be really mad if some guy wracked up nearly $200 because they "felt" the dog needed a bath. Um, no.

 

And I wonder if you're kind of expecting a spousal role, as you have historically had someone in your life covering aspects that you can't for many years, which is fine and what couples do, but I'm wondering if you have this woman in your life, and you're kind of expecting her to take on a role of "wife", and you haven't been going out that long. Perhaps this is the reason you're constantly asking her if she's okay with this? Because you know you're expecting too much too soon?

 

Getting her locks changed and covering the cost of the dirtbike and electric bill were very kind and endearing, but depending on how long you've been going out, it feels a bit smothering, like you're behaving like a married couple, but you've only been going out a few weeks, and she doesn't know you well enough to decide if you're marriage material.

 

If you suspect she's trying to rekindle with her ex, you should probably pay attention to that. I don't know the history or what she has said about him, but it's worth keeping in mind.

 

And really, she had no business taking your dog to the vet/groomer without discussion about it first.

 

I think if she needs space, you need to allow it. I might be wrong in what I've read (interpreted), but it seems like a LOT has happened really fast, and it's time to put on the brakes on and take a breather and just see how things go in the future.

[coolheadal]

Ok so this is my first post like this of any kind and I am just asking for advice on what I should do and what is possibly going on in her mind bc I am beyond confused now. I was married for 5 years and dated a girl for 11 years and ever since our divorce I have tried the dating thing again for the past 3 years and have come up with nothing but a broken heart everytime.

 

I gave up for a while and when I thought all was lost and couldn't be loved this girl came into my life, they say love comes when you least expect it, she actually messaged me bc I liked her pic on instagram. Then I asked her out for a drink and it went well from there, it was great to start with, we both shared our past relationships and talked about how they didn't work, I would go see her which is 60 miles from house and stay the night and the nights I couldn't stay with her she would come to me, she told me repeadtly how lucky she was and how she didn't want anything to change.

 

Couple weeks went by and I asked her if I was being around her to much bc I didn't want to "smoother" her she replied no baby I want you around all the time. So I continued the way I started off bc that's what she wanted.She took my dog to the vet and paid 175 dollar vet bill then called me to tell me which I was very appreciative of and told her she didn't have to do that. Well just 2 days I sensed something was wrong and her period was starting so I back down a little and asked what was wrong and of course I get the "nothing" excuse. So I just assumed it was that time of the month, then the texts started getting shorter, she stopped calling me after work.

 

I would send her a message and it takes her hours to respond now but yet she still constantly tells me she loves me and misses me. Then today I get a message that says I am making her nervous, she wants to make the right decision without rushing into anything, but still replies with that I love you and I miss you bull****. Is she playing me? She has cancelled on our plans for tonight, I asked her what's going on and she says nothing bad just wants to slow down, but says she promises we are good and that I am not loosing her but it sure seems that way.

 

I mean it went from great to horrible almost overnight? This morning I went and got her flowers and took them to her, her response was why did you get me flowers while she was still in bed, she hugged and kissed me, then asked if I was staying and I ask do you want me to with her response being doesn't matter to me, where as Just 2 days ago it was I want you around all the time. I decided to leave. Is she talking to another dude her ex possibly? Or is she just afraid of getting attached so soon and committing in fear of getting hurt again?

 

Should I back off and not message her at all and wait for her to come to me? Need some help bc I really care about this one we are both the same age I am 33 she is 34

 

When she told you why did you buy her flowers, that said it all to me. Do not contact her do not go over there. Let her chase after you. Another thing your doing is your pushing things with her. Back-off for and do something else. She's not ready for full-time committed relationship with you right now. Also another thing the way she's acting as if she met someone else or maybe there was always someone in the background when your weren't over there those times.

[Oldsparta]

Something is very strange.

 

It seems you two fell into "playing house" a bit too soon. It's become overwhelming. I can't determine a timeline on your dating, but it doesn't seem that long. It would be normal for the significant other/spouse to take on some tasks like getting the dog to the vet/groomer. Not normal in a relationship that is all of a few weeks old. What business did she have taking the dog to the vet? A groom can run all of $50, but shots have to be current, so there's that, but unless you two discussed this ahead of time, she had no business taking on this role, and I would be really mad if some guy wracked up nearly $200 because they "felt" the dog needed a bath. Um, no.

 

And I wonder if you're kind of expecting a spousal role, as you have historically had someone in your life covering aspects that you can't for many years, which is fine and what couples do, but I'm wondering if you have this woman in your life, and you're kind of expecting her to take on a role of "wife", and you haven't been going out that long. Perhaps this is the reason you're constantly asking her if she's okay with this? Because you know you're expecting too much too soon?

 

Getting her locks changed and covering the cost of the dirtbike and electric bill were very kind and endearing, but depending on how long you've been going out, it feels a bit smothering, like you're behaving like a married couple, but you've only been going out a few weeks, and she doesn't know you well enough to decide if you're marriage material.

 

If you suspect she's trying to rekindle with her ex, you should probably pay attention to that. I don't know the history or what she has said about him, but it's worth keeping in mind.

 

And really, she had no business taking your dog to the vet/groomer without discussion about it first.

 

I think if she needs space, you need to allow it. I might be wrong in what I've read (interpreted), but it seems like a LOT has happened really fast, and it's time to put on the brakes on and take a breather and just see how things go in the future.

 

You are spot on about most of it, Exvept that spousal role part I don't want marriage again anytime soon. Our very first date she has me stay with her bc she said she was scared of the dark, I was respectful to her and we just cuddled no aex involved on the first night, but from there if I wasn't there she was here staying the night and when I told her I needed to go home she would get upset if I left so I would stay with her so she wouldn't get upset. Her past relationship she says she will never go back to, she was with the guy for 10 years has a kid by him it was an abusive relationship which any guy that hits a woman is a POS she just left him December 21. I changed her locks bc she mentioned her neighbor was a creeper and she thought he may have a key from the previous people that lived in the house before her.

 

I mean I may have been born but it won't yesterday, when someone goes from texting you constantly everyday all day, telling you how much they miss you, love you etc... to nothing but an occasional message or phone call here or there either she isn't interested anymore or there is someone else in the picture. But what has me so confused is she called last night and we talked for almost 2 hours

[Oldsparta]

When she told you why did you buy her flowers, that said it all to me. Do not contact her do not go over there. Let her chase after you. Another thing your doing is your pushing things with her. Back-off for and do something else. She's not ready for full-time committed relationship with you right now. Also another thing the way she's acting as if she met someone else or maybe there was always someone in the background when your weren't over there those times.

 

That's how it's been the whole time she has chased me, and when I just started to think everything was right and start chasing her she backs off

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been dating?

 

It seems off to me that she had you stay over the first night she met you. Because she's afraid of the dark? Is she 5? That coupled with the fact that you have spent virtually every night together is a red flag. She was rushing for some reason, and it might not be a good one. Do you know how long ago she and her ex broke up? People who plow head-first into relationships are often doing so to fill a void.

 

I also find it strange that she believes her neighbour is a creepy man who might enter her house. What is she basing that theory on? Has he threatened her, or made inappropriate advances toward her? If she had real reason to be worried, then of course her fear makes sense. But is there any evidence of that?

 

I don't know OP, something isn't sitting right about your description of this woman. I would take a big step back and see what happens. Observe.

[OatsAndHall]

It sounds like things between the two of you got pretty serious in a hurry and she needs some space to process it. You only have one choice here: back off and see where it goes.

[act00]

WOW!

 

She wants a man, a stranger, who she just barely met, to spend the night because she's afraid of the dark...WTF?? At the same time she's paranoid about a neighbor having access to her home, and the solution is a STRANGER spending the night because she's afraid of the dark??

 

Oh.em.gee!!

 

A grown woman would make use of nightlights.

 

There are six ways of crazy happening here.

 

I don't know what it is, because at first, I thought you were settling quickly into the role of having a "spouse" (prematurely) take on roles and help out with life, as spouses do, but she sounds like an infant who is scared of the dark and wants someone to take care of her...and only when she wants...like a toddler...and just go away when you're not needed, I'm a big girl, I can do it myself...and then daddy or mommy needs to help.

 

She doesn't know what she wants. She's a child. Find a grownup.

 

An adult woman who insists a man she barely met to spend the night because she's afraid of the dark sounds unstable.

[Oldsparta]

I agree to an extent and there is way to much to type via cell phone, but even when I'm there she blocks the doors with chairs, her ex like I said was abusive and when she tried to run away he would track her down and abuse her again. She has said there have been multiple nights in the past when he has just showed up at her her house she has called the law they came and removed him then a few hours later he was trying to break in.

 

As far as her neighbor goes I have met the dude and he is very strange, if she is at work and I'm in the back I see him peeking out the blinds or the door and when I look he quickly dissappers. She has always been in a long term relationship so this is the first time she has stayed "alone" since high school. One night while I was there I sounded like someone was trying to break in through a window I got up went outside to find her neighbor out with his dog I thought it was ironic the noise at 3 am then to see him standing outside, saying he was letting the dog out to pee.

 

I have thought since the beginning that I am just a rebound to fill a void, but at the same time I feel like there may be something real here just from the gestures, comments and way she presents her self to me sometimes. Thanks for the comments now I feel I have one of two choices.

 

Either back off and see if she comes to me

 

Or go ahead and break it off completely

[Oldsparta]

The more I think about, I think she was dating me to make her ex of 10 years jealous and once she started to catch actually feelings it scared her and she has backed off in fear she will loose her ex forever